Monday, December 31, 2007

Fare thee well 2007...

Dear 2007,
You kind of sucked. My air conditioner was stolen, the car wouldn't start, my husband was diagnosed with CBAVD, and tuition wasn't cheap. Plus St. Patrick's Day was pretty rough: though, I must admit, I may be partially to blame for a few of those shots. And maybe the beer.
So after some thought, I've decided to move on to 2008. I wish you the best, but I think it'd be best if you lost my number.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Real life friends

So Denise over at Freezer Buns posted here about friends in real life who read her blog. As I was reading it I:

A) Wished *I* was her friend in real life 'cause she seems pretty kick ass. Many of you seem pretty kick ass in fact and I am sad that you don't all live here in my town so we could have coffee or alcoholic beverages or something. The only local infertility support group I have seen posted is "Christian based." While I am down with the Jesus and all, I don't really need him all up in my lady-business. And I doubt they drink as they kvetch.
Of course, it's quite possible that irl, some of you would dislike me with a passion. Hell, maybe you dislike me online.

B) Thought about my decision to not tell anyone about my blog. While I think it might be useful in terms of keeping up with friends, I think I would end up holding back. I am not by any means a holding back person. I will tell people about my evil terrible thoughts that I KNOW everyone thinks but that nobody wants to talk about. I am blunt, though I try to never be mean. I have lost friends because I can be a self-righteous biatch. ( Although I must point out that I was right in this particular situation and saved a teenager from an std.) See part A about maybe not liking me irl.
But I don't necessarily want everyone irl to know everything about my infertility. It becomes awkward. A_ told people right and left that we were ttc and I had to yell at him to stop, because I didn't want them inquiring later if it didn't happen quickly. And of course those are the same people that now ask about ttc and A_ doesn't want to tell them "Oh, turns out I have no vas deferens."
If I had to censor, what would be the point of a blog?

Do you have friends irl who read your blog? If so, do you think about them and their possible reactions as you write?

EDIT: In no way do I mean to criticize people who share their blogs with family and friends - I notice a lot of you do and if it works for you, that is way cool.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Ramble ramble

(Edit: The following isn't very structured, is kinda rambling, and might be boring. Just FYI)

He claims he didn't do it, but I'm pretty sure my little brother broke my internet. Seeing as my house is the one with the beer, the chocolate, the smoking without having mom kill you (for my brother, outside) and (most importantly) the wireless, my house was the place to be for both my siblings. Somehow the internet stopped working though, so I have been going through withdrawal. I've been able to get snatches of blogs at work, but for the most part I have been too busy to mess around online. So, I hope everyone had/is having a good Christmas/Ramadan/Kwanzaa/Winter Solstice/Hanukkah (yeah, I know that was way back in the beginning of December, sorry)/New Years/whatever else you want to celebrate.

It was good to see my siblings, since my sister lives on a coast and my brother is overseas. My sister only comes back for Christmas and I wasn't able to visit her this summer and I hadn't seen my brother in almost two years.
It's sort of weird to be the one still living near my parents though. I was the rebel and now I am the dutiful daughter whom they call upon to install lighting fixtures or drive them to the doctor.

We ate. A lot. So that whole losing weight thing is going to have to be a stereotypical New Years resolution. Obviously, trying to lose weight when I was getting amazing truffles as gifts was a impossible task. I have now eaten all the truffles and they can no longer taunt me. I showed them.
We also gave and received gifts. I think I did pretty well this year. My brother was really excited to get a digital camera, my sister got an ipod radio receiver, my mom is getting her hall painted and a new lighting fixture put up (slowly, room by room, I am taking her house of the 1970s) and my father got a nun. And no, I do not mean of the stripper variety.
He's impossible to shop for, doesn't need anything, but loves the Catholic church and giving money to monks and nuns and what not. My sister found a program where you can "adopt" a nun. We got a certificate and a picture and a biography. Dad was really touched when he read the letter saying that he and his loved ones would be in her prayers daily. It was a good gift. I wish it were that easy to adopt a child - send it $300, fill out a page long application, and a week later...
I got some nice gifts, including a gift card to S*phora from my sister. It's always nice to get gifts cards - normally I would laugh at the thought of spending that much money on makeup, especially since I rarely wear it, but it's fun to pick out a $23 mascara. Which I am wearing right now. Visualize incredibly long sensuous lashes that you can hardly see because of my thick glasses and you got me babe. *bat bat*

Now visualize me two days ago, with that incredible mascara all over my face.
As much as infertility sucks, I am a let's-go-fix-it-now person. I read books and boards and blogs and all sorts of other things starting with b that deal with infertility. I've been trying to be good about saving money so we can afford to actually do this someday. I've downloaded an application to a shared-cycle program, thinking that somebody might like my eye color and SAT scores enough to pick me. I am DOING this. Doing it slowly perhaps, but I am going to get there. I am going to be a mother.
So I was really excited that my parents gave us money as our gift. Not earth shattering money, but certainly a significant amount. We have enough in savings right now to pay for A_'s MESA procedure (wherein the operation to retrieve the sperm happens) but A_ had not yet scheduled the operation and I thought it was because he was nervous about the money since he's switching jobs and we will be running a little low for the next two months. My parents gave us about half the cost of the procedure and I told A_ how excited I was that he could call the scheduler. (They require the money up front just to schedule the damn thing.)
Suddenly A_ wasn't sure. Did we really want to do this now? He knows that his schedule won't allow it for another YEAR if he doesn't do it in February, but were we sure we want this now?

Um, yes honey. We've been trying for two years to have a baby. I want to do this now.
It's not that A_ doesn't want to have a baby, it's that he's scared to get his F*ck!ng balls cut on.
I would drown puppies or run marathons in Antarctica or eat rats or inject drugs and have surgery to have children...oh wait, I'm going to have to do that last one. And he can't schedule a damn surgery.
Instead he is spending money faster than I can save it and pretending like doing nothing will make him magically able to have children without medical intervention.
We talked (I cried) and he agreed he was behaving irrationally and said he would schedule the surgery. I sometimes forget that he also has a hard time with our infertility: He just shows it differently. Just because he's not running around reading up on everything doesn't mean he doesn't hurt. He has made suggestions about finding donor sperm, but I know that he doesn't mean it.I know he is equating infertility with inadequacy and I don't want him to feel that. So I am going to try harder not to be the insensitive fertile and he is going to try not be be a blockhead.
We'll see how it goes.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

I've been tagged!

Ally over at the CatPad has tagged me to write seven interesting things about myself.
Uh, Ally, that's a big number!
1. I have seriously had hair in every color. It has been from platinum blonde to black, green, red, neon yellow, purple and green (at the same time), orange, etc. It's pretty boring now. I mostly do shades of red or brown.
2. In between having multicolored hair in high school I had no hair. It wasn't a rebellious thing - I asked my mom before I shaved my head the first time and she said she didn't care what I did with my hair, but I should never get a tattoo. (I've never told her about the tattoo I got when I was 18...) I looked damn good with no hair, though I was once approached at church by a well-meaning woman who offered to help poor cancer stricken me in any way she could. I guess she didn't realize that an angel in a long white cotton dress could also be a badass.
3. I have been in a dryer while it was on. In 4th or 5th grade I was playing hide-and-go-seek and hid in the dryer. The boy who was "it" came along and kicked the dryer door shut. Turns out the dryer was ON and I had a little tumble before my screaming made my mom come running.
4. Shit. I'm running out of interesting things already. I have gotten really sedate as I have gotten older. Sadly by older, I mean 26. But I plan on turning back into a swinging party animal when I hit my 60s. Shake things up and scare my kids.
5. I read constantly. My husband says he thought he was a bibliophile until he met my family. When I have the time, I read a book or more a day. I probably end up reading about 200 books a year. I will ignore everything happening around me if my nose is in a book and have books stashed in secret pockets around the house so I can grab one whenever I need to. Sadly, my sister is even more addicted than I am.
6. I have traveled to several foreign countries, all for free! I worked as a nanny during the summers in high school and college. The family I worked for was amazing and took me along on their vacations, enabling me to see Italy, France, London, and Norway.
7. I have bought at least 1/2 of what I own at garage sales. I have bought a front door, a bathroom sink, shoes and clothes, furniture, food, books, cat litter, gifts, etc.
You name it, I have probably bought it. And I am shameless about announcing my deals to the world, even when I know I am being obnoxious.

So, I guess I tag somebody else now? Does anyone want to do this? I've never been tagged or tagged anyone whoever wants to, blog away!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

My sister, myself

I really ought to be cleaning right now. My house is a mess, and not in the way that my friends apologize for when I come over to their pristine houses. I mean that the guestroom my sister will be sleeping in tonight is currently uninhabitable. The floor and bed are indistinguishable beneath a sea of clothes.


Ok, I started to write about how messy my house was and then realized I needed to not write, but clean. My house is still messy, but the guest room is at least close to inhabitable and I have nice fluffy towels, no shower scum and cold beer in the fridge. My sister should be arriving someday, though not necessarily today. I have very little faith that she will be able to run from plane to plane in 1/2 an hour.
As I've been cleaning I keep coming across random things that might freak my sister out. (Which, considering she is a lesbian who has all sorts of er...interesting..."things" laying about her place that I am totally fine with but that are a little awkward to happen upon...)
Although she knows that A_ has CBAVD but I didn't tell her we were trying. I had started to talk about ttc a couple months ago and she very kindly offered to give me her eggs or 9 months of womb space. When I explained it was A_'s issue, and we shouldn't have a problem with my womb (knock on wood), she was very relieved, although it had been sweet of her to offer. I think it might cramp her style a bit though, what with her wild singles life.
She then said something about us not trying yet and while I can't remember exactly what she said, it was very anti-having kids right now. I didn't correct her, though I'm not sure why. I don't think I'm ready to share my heartbreak with her.
I've always looked up to my sister and wanted to by just like her when I was a kid. I stole her clothes and her books and drove her crazy. I don't want her pity or her advice on not having kids though. After all these years of trying to be like her, I know her all too well and she would say all the wrong things.
So I am putting up the books and the articles I've printed out, folding up the maternity clothes I couldn't resist buying on clearance at Target back when I thought this would be easy, and taking the doctors appointment cards off the fridge. Out of sight, hopefully out of my mind. For a while at least.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007


Who can resist creme brulee when it is offered? I can't.
Which is why I am now sitting at home feeling queasy. Too much creamy goodness for this girl.
Bad Io.
I did however get to borrow my friend M_'s 4 year old while she went to, uh... "talk to Santa" and let him know what to bring the kiddo. The kiddo is super cute and smart but very shy. We went to the fire museum next to my office. We were the only ones there, so we got a private guided tour which was tons of fun. The kiddo was very shy and wouldn't talk, even though our guide very gently and expertly tried to get her to respond to questions about what do do in case of a fire. Totally silent.
Then, when it was all over, as I was talking to the guide about what age groups generally did their fire safety program, the kiddo suddenly popped out from behind me, put her hands palms up, shrugged her shoulders, and very earnestly explained to the guide that "you know, some kids might be shy" and so it would help if they had their friends with them. She then proceeded to ramble on for a few more sentences about which friends would enjoy the exhibit, looking very serious and thoughtful.
Kids are so funny.

I gotta get me one of those.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Why my huband is perfect for me and why I will probably end up killing him...

Why A_ is perfect for me:
In bed last night I told the husband about how boss man was asking me what else he could buy me for Christmas and he instantly responded "Did you ask for a baby?"

Why I will probably end up killing A_:
Flipping through IVF blogs (Flipping? Is that the right word? Clicking, maybe?) I idly wondered out loud if I should try becoming an egg donor to help pay for our IVF and he instantly responded "Who would want you as an egg donor?"
(My husband is generally very supportive and kind and blah blah blah...after I made a strangled sound and gave him my super death glare, he looked confused and explained that he thought people would want supermodels or something. Yes honey, Cindy Crawford is just raring to give people her eggs. And are you trying to say I'm not a supermodel? Because I've told everyone I know that I am and I don't want you to disillusion them.)

Monday, December 17, 2007

Somebody read this dreck?

I am so amazed! I logged on and not one, but TWO people had apparently not only read my blog but commented on it! Yay people! Now I need to get over my weird online shyness and start commenting on other people's blogs. It feels like I'm barging in, even though I know that's completely wrong.

I have two best friends and they are flung out in the far corners of the earth. OK, perhaps it's not that quite the far corners of the earth: D_ lives in Berkeley where he is getting a PhD in some gawdawful complicated scientific field that is way beyond me or anyone else I know. L_ is in New York (now Brooklyn, which is ok, but she lives in Park Slope which is smothered in strollers and small children.) The advantage, of course, is that when I do visit one of them, I get the bonus of being in a cool city.
They have been my best friends since middle school. My friends here are amazing and supportive, but it's hard to talk to them. My friends B_ and M_ (hmm...maybe I should reverse that order) are awesome but M_ and I were ttc together and she got pregnant the first month. B_ is having marital issues so I think that she has trouble sympathizing with me because she
feels the loss of a child she knows she shouldn't even try to have with her marriage as it is.

So despite the fact that D_ and L_ are both VERY childless and happy to stay that way for several more years, they are amazing to talk to for the simple fact that they know NOTHING about infertility. They don't offer sympathy while breastfeeding their daughter or force a smile because Io is talking about how much this shit sucks again.
They just accept any grand statements I make, ask if they can do anything and tell me how fabulous I am.
Last night I was talking to D_ and explaining all the specific procedures and he told me how happy he was that these procedures were at least available. Twenty years ago, we would have just been told to adopt. Or get a sperm donor. How great is it that modern science has made it possible for us to have children!
And yet...I wonder if it wouldn't have been easier to not be able to have all this medical miracle, to shorten the journey. I mean, if the technology didn't exist, there wouldn't be all this extra hope and worry. Obviously, I would know what I was missing, and be sad that I couldn't be pregnant, but right now I can see it's possible and just can't get there. So maybe that would make it easier to move on. Or maybe I'm just cracked in the head.
You don't yet know that I have the most awesome boss in the world. I absolutely adore him and I think the feeling is mutual. He is absolutely dedicated to his work ("god's work" as he calls it, despite the fact that there is nothing religious about it) and has no wife, no kids - he just works 24/7 and loves every minute of it. He loves to offhandedly mention every once in a while how great our office will be with a crib in it. He refuses to believe that I would quit working with him when I had a baby or that I would put the child in day care. I have a job where it's mostly just us alone in the office, though other people occasionally come in or out and we have a dog that we borrow from his neighbor since the dog is spoiled and can't be left alone. So it could work and I love him for insisting upon it.
So today, he was asking what I want for Christmas. He has already given me a present I know he spent a couple hundred dollars on, and I know he's got another expensive present for me, but he still wanted to get me something else. He's generous to a fault (believe me, his goddaughter has got it MADE). I told him it was sweet, but that I really didn't need anything.
I must admit though...for a brief moment I thought "maybe he could buy me a baby!"

If only Target sold babies.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Blame it on the rain (and snow and ice)

Once upon a time I was what my mother called a skinny-minny. I hit adolescence and grew what I thought were huge thighs. In reality, I was an enviable combination of skinny and curvy. I wasn't overly concerned about my body, but I didn't love it.
I think it's probably fairly typical of women to look back on their younger selves and wonder how they had thought so poorly of their looks. (Clothing and hairstyle choice aside. Green hair looked awful on me. My shaved head days were cool though.) However, I have apparently gained so much weight that people look back on my younger self and don't even RECOGNIZE me. A good friend of mine (we've been friends for about three years) was in my husband's office the other day and asked whose picture was on his shelf. Um, that would be me, the person you are so close to that I was present for the birth of your child three weeks ago.

I gained a lot of weight fairly rapidly after I got married - whereas I had nothing but diet coke and p-funks in my fridge, A_ is a former college linebacker who doesn't understand why you wouldn't add a stick (maybe two!) of butter to whatever you are eating. I also moved to a city where people drive everywhere. Once I get home it's hard to convince myself to go back out. I don't like to walk in my neighborhood without a large dog, so exercising would mean driving to the Y.
So between eating a lot and exercising not at all, I have gone from a size 4/6 to a size 16.
I need to lose weight before I really start the whole IVF process and hey, since right now we just barely have the $5000 for A_'s MESA, I should do something productive while we save up.
So while I am not working out today since we had a winter storm that has left our bushes kissing the ground and my driving skills combined with ice=death, I need to stop thinking and start doing. Because I don't want my kids to someday look at pictures of me and ask who that girl is.

Friday, December 14, 2007

No more Lurky McLurkerson

So I've been lurking around other people's blogs for quite a while now. I've been cheering (silently) their successes, crying (I'm good at it) over their failures, and wishing I could join their club. (The blogging and being friends and supporting each other parts, not the infertility part - I think we have that down pat.)
So although I am lazy, lead a not-terribly interesting life, and don't even have much to talk about in terms of infertility, I hereby declare myself a blogger.!
My husband and I got married 3 1/2 years ago. My parents were initially less than happy. My husband A_ is a large, bald, black Muslim who is nine years older than me. My father would have been happy if I had become a nun in the Church. Luckily, they are both fans of the same baseball team, and if there's one thing Dad loves almost as much as Jesus, it's the Card*nals. They have since bonded and get along quite well.
We bought a little bungalow in the ghetto (Ok, it's not EXACTLY ghetto - it's more like inner city Appalachia. But I love the house, how close it is to downtown, and my fabulous gay neighbors. The methheads I could do without.)
I have been renovating and decorating (read: buying lots of crap at garage sales) it slowly for a couple of years and have a room that is just crying out to be a nursery. Which brings us to ttc.
We tried in a not trying-but-not-preventing sort of way for a year, tried in a trying-but-not-obsessing-over-temps-and-charting sort of way for a year, and tried in a damn-it-I decided-I'm-ready-for-a-baby-where-is-it-I-want-it-now sort of way for a year.
Then we went to a doctor who kindly told us that A_ has CBAVD (no vas deferens.)
So while I had been thinking he'd tell us that we'd have to move on to Clomid, IUIs, making sure my tubes weren't blocked, we got to skip to the head of the class: IVF w/ ICSI. A_ would also have to have MESA (microblahblahspermblahaspiration) so we could get some sperm out of him.
Oddly, I still feel like maybe we aren't infertile *enough* to bitch about it. I have read all of these other blogs and message boards and see people who have struggled for a long time. They have spent tons of time and money on other things before they even got to where we are getting. And they are sometimes worse off - I'm 26, so I have a better chance of having decent eggs to work with. I (probably, knock on wood, might be someday laughing bitterly at my naive self) don't think my body has any major issues. We KNOW what the problem is and how to fix it! We should be almost happy! (Ok, maybe not happy)
So I feel guilty about complaining. But hey, I'm Catholic. I gotta feel guilty about something, right?

One of the things that was stopping me from starting a blog is the fact that um, this shit costs money. Money that we do not have. So a lot of my blog is going to be about waiting.
How exciting for the readers!
Let the waiting begin!