Friday, December 28, 2007

Ramble ramble

(Edit: The following isn't very structured, is kinda rambling, and might be boring. Just FYI)

He claims he didn't do it, but I'm pretty sure my little brother broke my internet. Seeing as my house is the one with the beer, the chocolate, the smoking without having mom kill you (for my brother, outside) and (most importantly) the wireless, my house was the place to be for both my siblings. Somehow the internet stopped working though, so I have been going through withdrawal. I've been able to get snatches of blogs at work, but for the most part I have been too busy to mess around online. So, I hope everyone had/is having a good Christmas/Ramadan/Kwanzaa/Winter Solstice/Hanukkah (yeah, I know that was way back in the beginning of December, sorry)/New Years/whatever else you want to celebrate.

It was good to see my siblings, since my sister lives on a coast and my brother is overseas. My sister only comes back for Christmas and I wasn't able to visit her this summer and I hadn't seen my brother in almost two years.
It's sort of weird to be the one still living near my parents though. I was the rebel and now I am the dutiful daughter whom they call upon to install lighting fixtures or drive them to the doctor.

We ate. A lot. So that whole losing weight thing is going to have to be a stereotypical New Years resolution. Obviously, trying to lose weight when I was getting amazing truffles as gifts was a impossible task. I have now eaten all the truffles and they can no longer taunt me. I showed them.
We also gave and received gifts. I think I did pretty well this year. My brother was really excited to get a digital camera, my sister got an ipod radio receiver, my mom is getting her hall painted and a new lighting fixture put up (slowly, room by room, I am taking her house of the 1970s) and my father got a nun. And no, I do not mean of the stripper variety.
He's impossible to shop for, doesn't need anything, but loves the Catholic church and giving money to monks and nuns and what not. My sister found a program where you can "adopt" a nun. We got a certificate and a picture and a biography. Dad was really touched when he read the letter saying that he and his loved ones would be in her prayers daily. It was a good gift. I wish it were that easy to adopt a child - send it $300, fill out a page long application, and a week later...
I got some nice gifts, including a gift card to S*phora from my sister. It's always nice to get gifts cards - normally I would laugh at the thought of spending that much money on makeup, especially since I rarely wear it, but it's fun to pick out a $23 mascara. Which I am wearing right now. Visualize incredibly long sensuous lashes that you can hardly see because of my thick glasses and you got me babe. *bat bat*

Now visualize me two days ago, with that incredible mascara all over my face.
As much as infertility sucks, I am a let's-go-fix-it-now person. I read books and boards and blogs and all sorts of other things starting with b that deal with infertility. I've been trying to be good about saving money so we can afford to actually do this someday. I've downloaded an application to a shared-cycle program, thinking that somebody might like my eye color and SAT scores enough to pick me. I am DOING this. Doing it slowly perhaps, but I am going to get there. I am going to be a mother.
So I was really excited that my parents gave us money as our gift. Not earth shattering money, but certainly a significant amount. We have enough in savings right now to pay for A_'s MESA procedure (wherein the operation to retrieve the sperm happens) but A_ had not yet scheduled the operation and I thought it was because he was nervous about the money since he's switching jobs and we will be running a little low for the next two months. My parents gave us about half the cost of the procedure and I told A_ how excited I was that he could call the scheduler. (They require the money up front just to schedule the damn thing.)
Suddenly A_ wasn't sure. Did we really want to do this now? He knows that his schedule won't allow it for another YEAR if he doesn't do it in February, but were we sure we want this now?

Um, yes honey. We've been trying for two years to have a baby. I want to do this now.
It's not that A_ doesn't want to have a baby, it's that he's scared to get his F*ck!ng balls cut on.
I would drown puppies or run marathons in Antarctica or eat rats or inject drugs and have surgery to have children...oh wait, I'm going to have to do that last one. And he can't schedule a damn surgery.
Instead he is spending money faster than I can save it and pretending like doing nothing will make him magically able to have children without medical intervention.
We talked (I cried) and he agreed he was behaving irrationally and said he would schedule the surgery. I sometimes forget that he also has a hard time with our infertility: He just shows it differently. Just because he's not running around reading up on everything doesn't mean he doesn't hurt. He has made suggestions about finding donor sperm, but I know that he doesn't mean it.I know he is equating infertility with inadequacy and I don't want him to feel that. So I am going to try harder not to be the insensitive fertile and he is going to try not be be a blockhead.
We'll see how it goes.


  1. It can be so hard to get on the same page re: IF treatment. It's taken my man and me more than a year, with me as the reluctant party, and some of our discussions have been really tough. You're so good to call him on the likely unconscious, less-than-constructive behavior. I hope he feels better about the procedure soon and everything goes beautifully!

  2. We went through the exact same thing. My DH was in denial about his MFI (didn't need surgery or anything, but we couldn't have conceived on our own) for the longest time. I think it was the RE who told him, "your morphology is bad enough you should have started with IVF years ago" that got him to finally get with the program.

    Sorry you're going through this. As if the whole thing isn't frustrating enough, eh?

  3. Yes, we all express our frustration differently and it is my experience that women tend to be a little more verbal or open than the men in our lives. It is easy for us to forget that there is something going on in a guy's brain even when nothing is coming out of the mouth.

    I think men deal with medical issues differently too. It seems they like to hide in the closet and not confront anything head on, whereas women tend to be problem solvers. Of course I am generalizing things here based on my own experience.

    It took me a year to get my DH to go to the dentist for a simple check-up. I finally made the appointment for him myself with my family dentist so that I would KNOW if he chickened out or rescheduled (which he did).

    A few tears always seem to get me and my DH on the same page as it forces him to realize just how important this stuff is to me. Either that or he's just uncomfortable around crying women and will say anything to make it stop. Not that I do it on purpose, just happens when I get frustrated.

    I hope you are able to get the procedure over and done with quickly and smoothly!

  4. Yeah, I totally understand your frustrations. I know that at least one tiny little part of the reason why I'm hesitant to move forward is that H is so ding-dang sensitive (and soooo slooooow). I know that I would not only have to handle all the logistics of scheduling appointments, driving him there, etc., but I would also have to hold his hand and soothe him, and comfort him while he awaited results. And that's not even addressing what would happen if there were something irregular on his end. I don't know how I would handle it if there were, only because I know how I have to handle him when much less serious things are wrong.

    Anyway, it sounds like you're on the right track with things. And it sounds like you had a very nice holiday with your family. Adopt a Nun, huh? Wouldn't have ever thought something like that existed!

  5. It's a tenuous dance we do with IF, isn't it? I think we all have those moments where we're not in line with our significant others regarding treatment. With any luck, those moments are few and far between. But, while you're in the middle of it, it doesn't feel good.

    Best of luck to both of you as you feel your way through this one.

  6. It is an ego thing for men (which leaves us more rational beings scratching our heads). I really believe it was easier for my husband when we learned that, in addition to his male factor, I had endometriosis. But eventually we get on the same page. Keep plugging.

  7. I just kept nodding through that whole part about how you and your DH respond differently to the pain and stress of IF. I've been reading up and investigating; JD has been solving MFI by playing video games all day long. (BTW, that hasn't been working so well).

    After some debates, I was able to get JD to agree to read a book that I found helpful, but his agreement came only after I offered to mark specific sections in the book and not force him to read the whole thing. (Oh, it's the Infertility Survival Guide by Elizabeth Swire Falker).