(Edit: The following isn't very structured, is kinda rambling, and might be boring. Just FYI)
He claims he didn't do it, but I'm pretty sure my little brother broke my internet. Seeing as my house is the one with the beer, the chocolate, the smoking without having mom kill you (for my brother, outside) and (most importantly) the wireless, my house was the place to be for both my siblings. Somehow the internet stopped working though, so I have been going through withdrawal. I've been able to get snatches of blogs at work, but for the most part I have been too busy to mess around online. So, I hope everyone had/is having a good Christmas/Ramadan/Kwanzaa/Winter Solstice/Hanukkah (yeah, I know that was way back in the beginning of December, sorry)/New Years/whatever else you want to celebrate.
It was good to see my siblings, since my sister lives on a coast and my brother is overseas. My sister only comes back for Christmas and I wasn't able to visit her this summer and I hadn't seen my brother in almost two years.
It's sort of weird to be the one still living near my parents though. I was the rebel and now I am the dutiful daughter whom they call upon to install lighting fixtures or drive them to the doctor.
We ate. A lot. So that whole losing weight thing is going to have to be a stereotypical New Years resolution. Obviously, trying to lose weight when I was getting amazing truffles as gifts was a impossible task. I have now eaten all the truffles and they can no longer taunt me. I showed them.
We also gave and received gifts. I think I did pretty well this year. My brother was really excited to get a digital camera, my sister got an ipod radio receiver, my mom is getting her hall painted and a new lighting fixture put up (slowly, room by room, I am taking her house of the 1970s) and my father got a nun. And no, I do not mean of the stripper variety.
He's impossible to shop for, doesn't need anything, but loves the Catholic church and giving money to monks and nuns and what not. My sister found a program where you can "adopt" a nun. We got a certificate and a picture and a biography. Dad was really touched when he read the letter saying that he and his loved ones would be in her prayers daily. It was a good gift. I wish it were that easy to adopt a child - send it $300, fill out a page long application, and a week later...
I got some nice gifts, including a gift card to S*phora from my sister. It's always nice to get gifts cards - normally I would laugh at the thought of spending that much money on makeup, especially since I rarely wear it, but it's fun to pick out a $23 mascara. Which I am wearing right now. Visualize incredibly long sensuous lashes that you can hardly see because of my thick glasses and you got me babe. *bat bat*
Now visualize me two days ago, with that incredible mascara all over my face.
As much as infertility sucks, I am a let's-go-fix-it-now person. I read books and boards and blogs and all sorts of other things starting with b that deal with infertility. I've been trying to be good about saving money so we can afford to actually do this someday. I've downloaded an application to a shared-cycle program, thinking that somebody might like my eye color and SAT scores enough to pick me. I am DOING this. Doing it slowly perhaps, but I am going to get there. I am going to be a mother.
So I was really excited that my parents gave us money as our gift. Not earth shattering money, but certainly a significant amount. We have enough in savings right now to pay for A_'s MESA procedure (wherein the operation to retrieve the sperm happens) but A_ had not yet scheduled the operation and I thought it was because he was nervous about the money since he's switching jobs and we will be running a little low for the next two months. My parents gave us about half the cost of the procedure and I told A_ how excited I was that he could call the scheduler. (They require the money up front just to schedule the damn thing.)
Suddenly A_ wasn't sure. Did we really want to do this now? He knows that his schedule won't allow it for another YEAR if he doesn't do it in February, but were we sure we want this now?
Um, yes honey. We've been trying for two years to have a baby. I want to do this now.
It's not that A_ doesn't want to have a baby, it's that he's scared to get his F*ck!ng balls cut on.
I would drown puppies or run marathons in Antarctica or eat rats or inject drugs and have surgery to have children...oh wait, I'm going to have to do that last one. And he can't schedule a damn surgery.
Instead he is spending money faster than I can save it and pretending like doing nothing will make him magically able to have children without medical intervention.
We talked (I cried) and he agreed he was behaving irrationally and said he would schedule the surgery. I sometimes forget that he also has a hard time with our infertility: He just shows it differently. Just because he's not running around reading up on everything doesn't mean he doesn't hurt. He has made suggestions about finding donor sperm, but I know that he doesn't mean it.I know he is equating infertility with inadequacy and I don't want him to feel that. So I am going to try harder not to be the insensitive fertile and he is going to try not be be a blockhead.
We'll see how it goes.