Sunday, December 30, 2007

Real life friends

So Denise over at Freezer Buns posted here about friends in real life who read her blog. As I was reading it I:

A) Wished *I* was her friend in real life 'cause she seems pretty kick ass. Many of you seem pretty kick ass in fact and I am sad that you don't all live here in my town so we could have coffee or alcoholic beverages or something. The only local infertility support group I have seen posted is "Christian based." While I am down with the Jesus and all, I don't really need him all up in my lady-business. And I doubt they drink as they kvetch.
Of course, it's quite possible that irl, some of you would dislike me with a passion. Hell, maybe you dislike me online.

B) Thought about my decision to not tell anyone about my blog. While I think it might be useful in terms of keeping up with friends, I think I would end up holding back. I am not by any means a holding back person. I will tell people about my evil terrible thoughts that I KNOW everyone thinks but that nobody wants to talk about. I am blunt, though I try to never be mean. I have lost friends because I can be a self-righteous biatch. ( Although I must point out that I was right in this particular situation and saved a teenager from an std.) See part A about maybe not liking me irl.
But I don't necessarily want everyone irl to know everything about my infertility. It becomes awkward. A_ told people right and left that we were ttc and I had to yell at him to stop, because I didn't want them inquiring later if it didn't happen quickly. And of course those are the same people that now ask about ttc and A_ doesn't want to tell them "Oh, turns out I have no vas deferens."
If I had to censor, what would be the point of a blog?

Do you have friends irl who read your blog? If so, do you think about them and their possible reactions as you write?

EDIT: In no way do I mean to criticize people who share their blogs with family and friends - I notice a lot of you do and if it works for you, that is way cool.

13 comments:

  1. Thanks for adding to the discussion on this. I think there are definitely pros and cons to sharing your blog with friends and family IRL. It is something I struggled with when I first started mine. So far it has saved me much explaining and having to answer 50 questions a day from my mom. It has also given some of my friends license to feel comfortable asking questions which is liberating.

    But you are right, I do have to censor what I say knowing that my mom, grandma, cousins, some of my coworkers and friends IRL are reading. I sometimes feel like I can't use curse words (which I absolutely love to do), can't always express exactly how sad, frustrated, angry (insert proper adjective here) I am without fear of creating panic and my family wanting to have me committed. And I certainly can't openly bitch about things that my loved ones do when I know they are reading!

    I am very curious to see other people's thoughts on this topic.

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  2. Hey Denise, I'm glad you don't mind that I jumped onto your post - I just got back online to add that I don't mean to sound like I'm criticizing people who DO tell real life friends. It definitely has it's pros and I have been tempted to tell people. (I have also wondered if anyone I know might stumble across this - they would definitely recognize my description of myself and A_.)
    Of course, I also haven't told my parents about the situation yet, so I also haven't had to deal with questions.

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  3. My opinion? DON'T DO IT.

    When I first started blogging, I shared with EVERYBODY. My grandma, aunts, cousins, friends, coworkers, were all reading my blog. As it evolved, I switched to "invite only" on Blogger. I had to tell all aforementioned people that I was making my Blog private. UNCOMFORTABLE.

    Then, I changed the address, but made it public again. Some of my more Internet savvy friends and family were able to find it anyway, but the rest asked, "did you shut down your blog." To which I replied, "yes."

    Eventually, I moved over to Wordpress and now password protect the more, er, sensitive posts. But even that causes my friends that still read to ask, "how do I get a password." They've only asked once, and I've ignored the question altogether. For now.

    We've decided to move on to donor egg. We really never thought we'd be "in that place" where we had to decide who we would share this with. I am honestly and truly PROUD of our decision and what we're doing. I think it shows how much we love each other and are committed to becoming parents. BUT, the reality is that some people judge. And while we don't care so much if people judge us, we sure as hell don't want them judging our child(ren).

    It is their story to tell, not ours. I wish I didn't have to password protect and keep this from my good, good friends, but I do.

    Just my 2 cents...for free.

    And by the way, I think you are pretty kickass too, and wish we could meet for a drink IRL to bitch about how even having to think about any of this sucks.

    xo

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  4. So far I only have one friend IRL that reads my blog. I shared it with her back in august & we work together (on the same team). I am really glad to have her- she never asks unless I indicate I'm ready to talk, but she knows when I am having a bad day & why. It's actually really helpful. The only thing it causes me to do is not bitch about certain things at work- but since my blog has so little to do with that it really isn't a factor for me.
    I shared my blog with another really good friend from high school after she let me know a mutual friend we had growing up was on her last treatment. I haven't talked with this friend since graduation, but I thought I would take the plunge & invite her to check out my blog if it would help her. I haven't heard anything from either of them & I have no idea if they read period, but it doesn't make any difference. I have only ever self-edited once, and that was because I didn't want to read the post again, not for anyone else.

    I find it odd, since I am very cautious about what I say & share IRL, but my blog is direct from brain & heart to "paper". I never edit (except for occasionally checking for spelling & grammar) and I really love that about my blog.

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  5. Oh, my. NO. I don't think I would ever really share it with too many in-real-life people, at least in my real day to day life. I guess now that I think about it though, I do have several irl people who followed me from myspace, but those are people that are friends who know me pretty damn well, and ones who I would gladly share just about anything with were I talking instead of writing (and ones that I knew from Texas who enjoy being able to keep up with my life via my blog).

    I don't have a lot of family, but I would never EVER in a million years share my blog with my mother or father. My brother knows that I have a blog that deals with family planning, and he is cool with that, but I have not shared the exact address with him, nor will I ever, probably. And my best and closest friend isn't really interested in reading blogs, so I don't really have to worry about her reading mine (since she sort of has different ideas about wanting to have kids). She's very understanding with what I do share with her in real life, but I don't know if she would really get most of what I write about.

    That said, I once, years ago, lost a dear friend (who was acting like a jackass at the time) by complaining about her on a forum that she never read (but she did know I posted there often). So, I generally try to keep my rants related to those issues/people that I don't care too much about losing. If someone in real life could potentially read what I write (and potentially be angry about it), I would definitely keep that in mind. I LOVE to bitch about things, but if I know a friend of mine would be hurt, I definitely try to temper my words (which sucks).

    I don't have a lot of friends who live locally, and I hate my job, and I haven't shared that I have a blog with anyone who lives here, so I feel pretty free to be judgemental and shitty about my day to day life here in hell (aka Winston-Salem).
    But other than that, I try to watch it.

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  6. This is a great discussion. My three closest friends know about the infertility struggle D and I are having. I've told them that I'm writing a blog to express my feelings, but I didn't volunteer the address and they haven't requested it. I don't think I will share it with them though, as I would feel a need to censor myself.

    The thing I'm struggling with now is whether to share it with my husband! I hope that doesn't sound terrible. We don't keep things from each other, but I'm not always great about expressing my feelings verbally. He doesn't think about this nearly as often as I do. Do you all share your blogs with your husbands/partners?

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  7. I have a few friends who know about my blog, but none of my relatives do. And, very few people know about my donor insemination blog. Mostly the adoption blog that I had before we began DI.

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  8. Malloryn, that doesn't sound terrible at all! I'm not telling my husband - where would I bitch about him?!

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  9. Add me to the "No" category when it comes to sharing my blog IRL. I'm normally an incredibly private person. Only one friend IRL knows that I'm TTC and she fell off the face of the earth a year ago. If I'm going through a bad time, then at least I have the comfort of knowing that eighty hundred people who know me aren't talking about it behind my back.

    Also, blog is a safe place to spew whatever it is that's going on with me at the moment. No holds barred. Knowing that my IRL family and friends are reading my entries would DEFINITELY limit what I talk about and how I say things.

    Sometimes it's very isolating to not share things with people and I have considered telling some friends about my blog, but for the most part I think it's right for me to keep it anonymous.

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  10. In hindsight, I would have kept it to myself. My two dearest friends know about it, one of whom has suddenly turned into one of those "when you have children, you'll know" types. I would love to have the outlet to vent about it on my blog, but I owe it to her to talk to her in person before she reads about it.

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  11. I totally relate to the lack of support groups, Io. I live in East Bejeezus, and while there may be some group here somewhere, I haven't been able to find it. Hence the blog.

    I personally like to keep my blog on the d-lo. Then I don't feel bad about my endlessly repeating, neurotic trains of thought and my penchant to rant, which I struggle to keep under wraps irl...

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  12. While my blog is still new, I plan to tell no one. Like one of the pp, I am a very private person IRL, no need in changing it now. Only one of my friends knows we are ttc and I only mentioned it to her once casually in conversation. My mother and sister know we are ttc and know Dh has an issue, but I don't give them any extra details. I don't think I could stand all the extra attention and questions, especially questioning the issues that my husband has, I don't think that would be fair to him. I don't think I'll ever tell DH about it either, I need an outlet from him at times too.

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  13. No way would I want anyone IRL reading my drivel :) Esp because I often use my blog to bitch about them lol.

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