Kate over at Bee in the Bonnet had a really good post recently. (Actually, all of her posts are good. For the record, this chick is way cool and I want her to be my best friend even though I don't really know her. Sorry if that's creepy Kate.)
Anyways, at the end of the post she wrote:
"So. That's a lot of crap for one post. But I think it all needed to be said. I challenge you all to make a post for yourselves saying what needs to be said. There's always something under the surface waiting to come out. What is it for you?"
So (in my usual roundabout way I will talk about something else before I get to the point, if indeed I have a point at all) I told my mother about our infertility tonight. We went to L*wes to wander the clearance and to pretend like we were remodeling her kitchen. I also walked over and looked at f!replaces, because they are 50% off right now. We have a gas line into our living room and have talked about getting a fireplace since we moved in. But we don't *need* one and even at 50% off, $350 is a lot to spend when we are trying to save up. My mother suggested I use some of the money that she had given us for Christmas and I laughed and said we had already spent it. Whoops.
Of course, she wanted to know how I had already spent $2000. So I told her A_ was having surgery. On his balls.
I made her wait until we were in the car (and no longer being eavesdropped upon by the clerk) to explain why.
I said "A_ has no vas deferens so he's having surgery." Then I briefly explained that we'd have to do ivf w/ icsi.
She said "Oh, so you knew this before you got married."
Gasp! "He knew and didn't tell you!?"
Um, no, queen mama drama . That would be grounds for me *killing* him, not trying to have a *baby* with him.
Then she told me about how my cousin (whose husband had a vasectomy) had tried ivf and failed. And did I know, it was really expensive? And heartbreaking?
Luckily, we were already in my car driving back to her house when this conversation happened. So I managed to drop her off before this conversation went any further. Because I could feel where it was going and I didn't like it. It was going to the conversation my mother had with me when I told her I was marrying A_. It was going back to her warnings that A_ and I were not the same age (he's nine years older - mind you, my father has six years on my mom) that he was Muslim, that his "culture" was different from mine (read: he's black). And now, on top of all this, he has the audacity to have CBAVD.
I managed to (pretend to) be nonchalant, dropped her off, and limited myself to a couple of whimpers through my teeth on the drive home.
And here's where we get to what Kate said. What's under the surface.
My mother was just about to express what, in some ways, I feel.
I feel so incredibly guilty, but I resent having to do this. Having to be depressed, having to spend money I don't have, having to wait for a child, having to inject myself with drugs for a 35 or 40% chance this will work.
I walk around and see men and think of them as potential sperm donors.
I am, of course, being totally arrogant in my belief that there is nothing wrong with *me*. I know all the reasons why what is above is selfish and unreasonable and I *do* love my husband and want to have his child. And I don't want anyone to read this and think that their husband resents *them* for female factor IF. And I don't want anyone to read the last sentence and think "Hey, I didn't even think that until you just said it, you bitchwhore."
This is just my own terrible thing that needed to be said. But I can't tell my dh that I would be happy if we went right to a sperm donor. Because it would crush him.