Friday, January 4, 2008

I don't know me

I was in a play during college where my character was supposed to say " You don't know me!" Instead, during the dress rehearsal, I said "I don't know me!" It's not a particularly funny gaffe, but we were all so exhausted from rehearsals and last minute costume issues and bright lights that it struck all of us on stage as being hi-freakin-larious. We repeated it to each other for days and that Christmas I got a card from the assistant director (who was a friend of mine) in which she had written 'I don't know me!"
(Of course, now that I am typing the words, they seem incredibly unfunny. Trust me though, this was so funny we were all sure I was going to be part of the S.N.L cast in no time.)

Anyway, the point is, I don't know me. I'm working on filling out this application for a shared IVF cycle at C**per. I figure that I'd love to be able to afford IVF and I'd also like to know that somewhere some other woman might be able to have what we all want.
But geeze! As I am filling this out my head feels like it might explode. I don't know so much! My maternal grandmother's weight? My blood type? (Ok, I should know that one) My Ob/GYN? I have a general practitioner! Does that count? Wait, I don't even have that because our insurance just changed and I haven't picked a new doctor yet.
I don't even know how old my grandparents were when they died. I could make some pretty close guesses, but I don't want to be wrong! What if I say 81 and it was actually 79? 90 and it was actually 92? What if it turns out I am actually a changeling and my REAL parents are fairy folk? (That would be awesome actually. I bet they could fix this whole CBAVD thing.)

So yeah. My family history is going to take a while. I don't want to tell my parents about all this, but I don't want to guess on the application. I'm only on the third page. I still have to answer all the family health questions and my family's health history might count me out anyways. Then it asks about *me*
What message would I like passed to the recipients and their offspring? What's my philosophy of life? (Ok, REALLY? I hate answering questions like this for the same reason I hate doing job interviews. 99% of the time, they are bullshit. I don't have a philosophy on life or, if I do have to come up with one, it's not warm and fuzzy. It's bitter and wicked.)
On a purely self-interested snotty note, I'm also disappointed that they don't have a place for your SAT scores. If there's one thing I can do, it's take standardized tests. Mine were damn near perfect, but I don't want to try to work them into some other section like "Achievements" because then I'm that bitch who is obviously too proud of her scores. I was counting on my SATs to make up for things like my fat ass and inane answers about my philosophy of life.
Oh well, I suppose it's possible that somebody out there will really want my blue eyes vision...and my crazy good looks of course.

Like I said, this is just a Hail Mary throw in the dark. We're still saving money.

Edit: I was thinking about how weird it is that if I am giving away my eggs, I have to be chosen. And if we end up adopting, I have to be chosen. I want to get to choose people!

Speaking of the camera that I spent my bonus money on...
It takes like 5 pictures at a time before the memory is full. So I need to buy a memory card since all that I can fit on there right now is

Katie resting her eyes,

Yummy alcoholic chocolates,

and of course, Thomas still looking unimpressed.


  1. This post made me laugh out loud. For what it's worth, if I could, I'd pick you for your SAT scores AND pretty blue eyes (well, I can only see one, but I assume you do indeed have two.)


  2. I would have no idea how to answer many of those questions. Who actually knows their grandmother's weight?

    Those chocolates look goooooood...

    Now I think I have to go call my grandma and ask her how much she weighs.

  3. Those applications are such a pain, good luck!
    Such cute cats!

  4. Be brutally honest. Sometimes that works. Say your philosophy on life it to get every application for everything from a shared IVF cycle form to getting a cosco card to include a line for your perfect SAT score.

    Cute kitties by the way!

  5. You are too funny, girl. This cracked me up as well. I don't think most people could possible know the answer to some of those questions.

    I agree, it's odd what people want to know. I can relate to your application anxiety, I'm struggling to complete one for an adoption agency we are applying with.

    I know it's bull-pucky but I guess, like job interviewing, it's all about selling ourselves.

    Hang in there!

  6. I too would want a place for my SAT scores- and they weren't excessively close to perfect. If they could have a spot for kicking ass at jeopardy- I would want that too.

    And really? Grandma's weight? interesting. Good luck with the paperwork!

  7. Heh. Tracy, I'm actually a cyclops... you don't think I need to include that on the application, do you?

    I think the weight question just really kills me. All of my grandparents have passed away - even if I could bring them back to life to ask them, weight fluctuates. I mean, my grandma at 20 vs. 50 vs. the 98 lbs she probably weighed when she died?


  8. HAH! I've always thought that good standardized test scores should have some sort of point to pound exchange. I'm heavier than I should be, but LOOK! I'm smart! Doesn't that count for something?