Wednesday, January 16, 2008


My mother is, as most mothers are, very proud of her children. She keeps several pictures of us on her desk, even though my brother stopped being cute once he hit first grade.
(Momoodee, as we call her, is also very happy that most of her fellow teachers don't realize she's in her 60s. She had once flippantly said she was 40-something: Months later a few of them were discussing retirement and one of them said something about her being only in her mid-forties. Apparently they had believed her. Instead of being embarrassed, my mother decided it was their fault, since they should have known how old she was, what with her having a 30-year old daughter. Of course she was also proud that she apparently looked so young. We're religious about sunscreen in our family.)

One of the pictures she delights in displaying is one of me in high school, though I'm not sure why she likes it so much. I have a buzzed head, dark red lipstick, and a huge sneer on my face. Serious Elvisness going on. I can't wait to have kids so I can raise them up to be snarly, emotional teenagers.

Lately I seem to have reverted back to age 15 because I have been way snarly and immature. But as a teenager I was outwardly snarly. Now all the snarl is stuck inside, because what my inner voice is saying is usually not appropriate to say out loud. And because I can't express the snarl, I get embarrassingly teary on the outside or just act like the worlds most boring person while I try to suppress the tears.

I stopped over at my friend M_'s house last night to pick up some tickets she was giving me. She had gotten free theater tickets but decided she wanted to stay home with the kids because the baby had a cold.

On the inside: Gee, that's too bad how wistful you sound about not being able to go to the free show (which, by the way, ended up sucking hardcore). I wish *I* had a baby so I would have to stay home and cuddle with it. Oh, she's learning to roll over! How fucking adorable! And making little high pitched noises to amuse herself? Once again, how fucking adorable! Gee, remember how we were going to get pregnant at the same time and then you got pregnant the first month while all I got were cramps, PMS and the next ten months to figure out that my husband has no vas deferens? Remember how disappointed *you* were because *you* really wanted another person in our friend group to have a baby so *you* didn't feel left out.
What's that? You have a bunch of maternity clothes for me? Even though you know it might be a little while before I need them? How incredibly sweet of you, since I really need more baby shit laying around my house reminding me how I am NOT PREGNANT.
Oh, yes, A_ finally scheduled his surgery. He's all cranky because they already cashed the deposit check for $2100, *as most people do when you send them a check.*
Yeah, $2100 is a lot of money. I wasn't just pulling numbers out of my ass when we discussed this before, it really does cost that much and $12,000 more. But I *really* appreciate how you're trying to save me money by giving me your old maternity clothes even though just thinking about them right now makes me want to claw my eyes out.

On the outside: Gosh, that's really sweet of you to save your maternity clothes for me. Thanks again for the tickets. I better run so I'm not late. (Kissed kid and baby goodbye and ran out to car before I could start blubbering, clawing my eyes out, or both.)

And M_ is an awesome friend. In the past I have said all sorts of inappropriate and highly bizarre things to her and she has taken them in stride. She would NEVER want me to feel hurt or upset by something she has said. And it is sweet of her to give me theater tickets and maternity clothes. She wouldn't deserve any of the crazy and mean things I wanted to say. I am just irrational these days. And I don't want anyone to know. I don't want to be that crazy infertile friend who cries a little too easily. I don't want that to be my label.

Um, not really sure where this post is wandering off to. But you guys are awesome. I'm glad I have you so I can at least spew some of the snark.

Oh! And if you don't know Tracy, over at A few pricks along the way, send good embryo vibes in her direction. Divide and conquer, embryos, divide and conquer!


  1. Thanks for the nod, my friend. :)

    You're totally normal. I'm really pissed off at one of my friends because she was supposed to call me Saturday but didn't (not unusual) then proceeded to not call me in any of the days that followed (up to an including today.) And she KNOWS what I'm going through this week. Is she so incredibly self absorbed that she can't take time out of her "busy" (not) schedule to give me a ring?

    In the meantime, I continue to work, do charity work, send friends' 1-year olds birthday cards, call my mom and grandparents, etc...etc...

    Pisses me off.

    But you and I have talked about lowering our expectations when it comes to our friends before, haven't we?

  2. We have, we have. And I know that M_ tries and really, as friends go, she is pretty sensitive. It's just that, as it turns out, I am crazy. Thanks for letting me get the crazy out :)
    I am so thinking of you!

  3. Yay for letting the crazies out! I, too, would have been externally snarking if I was 15, but alas, with age comes a mild sense of tact, and thus, like you, I am left being the only one to ever hear my incredibly snide-witty-funny comebacks... unless I type them all out for you all to read, as you have so kindly done for us.
    Well said!

  4. I've decided that if you haven't been through infertility yourself, you can not be a good friend to an infertile. How's that for snarky? I find myself fighting my inner bitch demon over an innocuous comment like "how are you feeling?" Well, how do you think I'm have no idea!!" Maybe it's the drugs, maybe it's the cold, wintery gloom, or maybe it's just that no one will be safe around me unless their eggs too are sullen, uncooperative and shriveled.

  5. Yup. I've made snide comments when people say things w/out thinking. I'm impressed at how you handled the situaion. Snark is good sometimes and a blog is one of the best places to get it out. Who needs a therapist when you have the blog world?


  6. "Now all the snarl is stuck inside, because what my inner voice is saying is usually not appropriate to say out loud. And because I can't express the snarl, I get embarrassingly teary on the outside or just act like the worlds most boring person while I try to suppress the tears."

    Are you in my head?

  7. The "fertiles' just don't get it. They love us, they are our friends and I think, no, I know they mean well, but sometimes it's just enought to make you scream.

    We are all a little bit crazy and this process doesnt help it.

    Hang in there.
    K :-)

    PS - Thanks for posting on my site, long story short - I'm back up and running.

  8. I don't think you're crazy at all. Even very sensitive people don't get IF until they've gotten educated about it. And even then, as some other commenters have rightfully noted, they still may act like idiots.

    Good news about the surgery! I'm so glad things are moving along for both of you.

  9. first of all - ~love~ the word "snark". Except I through in a little h in there and make is Shnark. Maybe Schnark.

    I've had those outside and inside conversations many many times. Lately though, I've started to fantasize strange things while someone is talking to me. Like what would their reaction be right now if someone came from behind the door and punched them in the stomach. And I'll imagine the situation played out. I think it's time for my meds ;)

  10. snark away. I too have those inner dialogues, mainly when my oh so wonderful friends & coworkers start complaining about how little sleep they get, or how hard it is to wean their perfect little angel from cosleeping. How the hell do you pretend to be sympathetic when all you want to do is slap them into gratitude that they get to cuddle their babies?

    But this is you rant- and you rant away. You've earned it.

    I would love to see that pic though ;o)

  11. Did I seriously just spell "throw" as "through"? That's awesome. (where is the edit button for comments??!!)

    Anywho, I don't know if having the effect of you peeing on yourself if a GOOD thing or not, but I'm pleased that it's some reaction. I hate the mundane!

  12. "Snark", what a great word! I think I've become somewhat of an expert on inner monologues lately. It's a great coping mechanism, though sometimes I worry that I don't have a very good poker face.

  13. OMG, I have had at least FOUR co-workers, over the past three years, telling me they will save maternity clothes for me. The silliest thing about this (as I keep telling them) is that even though they feel oh-so-fat when preggers, maternity clothes for a SIZE TWO twig of a girl will never fit a SIZE FOURTEEN woman-shaped girl, pregnant or not.

    I had a friend tell me that she has a friend in fertility treatment "who is paying 25 THOUSAND DOLLARS" for the doctors to get her pregnant. "Can you believe that?!?," she whispers to me, shocked and astonished.

    Um...yes. In fact, I certainly CAN believe that. I'm already out 10K thou and easily could spend another 25-30K (shared risk program) before this is all over.

    And how much would SHE pay to keep her instantly-conceived baby? She started TTC at the same time as me--and she knows this--now her kid is a year and a half old. If someone told her she would have to pay 25K to save his life, would she say no?

    AARRGGHHH! This just turned into my own rant. Sorry. It's my inner snark.

  14. Oh, I do so love an "on the inside" conversation. I have them every day, usually with quite a bit of frequency. (Oftentimes involving something one of my middle school students says or does.) I figure an on the inside conversation is much better than a punch to the head, however. Snark is completely acceptable in situations such as the one you mention. Snark away, my dear. You have every right!