Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Can I get some cheese with my...?

Geesh, I read that last post about Dr. Dick and I sure seemed angry. I'm generally not an angry person, unless it involves politics or somebody being mean to helpless creatures or my husband trying to eat my ice cream. (In fairness, he usually thinks we're sharing. But I don't share ice cream. He should know that by now.)
Thank you all for your support. Your comments made me laugh and smile. Nobody else around here really does the MESA as their specialty (there was one kinda creepy looking urologist in town who claims he does them, but most of his practice is cancer-related) and Dr. Dick is supposed to be the best, which is really the most important thing. And I'm fairly certain that he wouldn't give us back our money if we canceled.
I think I am perhaps more nervous about Friday than I had realized. Babychaser totally called me out on it.
I am terrified that they won't find anything. Reading blogs has been an incredible blessing - I have this incredible community of all you amazing women - but I have also read so many blogs that are ten steps ahead of me and I know that my fairy tale of finding sperm and doing IVF and miraculously knocking me up on the first try might not happen. We might not find sperm, or I might be a poor responder, or our babies might not want to stick. (And of course we have to find money for all of this. That might be the most daunting of all.) There are just so many ways this can *not* work out and all of those thoughts are flitting about in the back of my head. I had a dream that we didn't even get to the surgery because we arrived and suddenly they needed more money than we had. (In my dream I started crying. In real life I would probably grab a scalpel and explain calmly to the doctor that unless he wanted *his* balls cut open, the surgery needed to happen. And then I would be arrested and have to hope that I could do IVF from jail.)
So for all of you who have that bitch Hope hanging around bugging you, if you could just send her
my way, I could definitely use some optimism. I know that we have a 90% chance that everything will be ok on Friday, but I am so focused on the negative.

Ah, one of the other things adding to my general stress... I haven't mentioned that one of the reasons we have no money is that A_ just finished l@w school. He's taking the bar exam today and tomorrow, so if you have incredible mind powers or you're tight with G*d or something, send some love his way. It's been a crappy couple of months while he studied, but I think it has kept his mind largely off of Friday.


  1. Good luck to both of you this week....

  2. Not only am I tight with G*d/Goddess/the Universe/ the Creator/ etc and in possession of incredible mind powers, but I'm also unemployed, so I have lots of time to pray for/send love and good wishes to people who need them. So I'll spend today with a lot of focus on you and A to help get you through everything that's going on right now.

    I can totally relate to focussing on the negative. I've been having a lot of the same thoughts lately about the blogosphere - about how blessed I am to have found it and found such amazing support, but also how it's scaring the living shit out of me and making me fear things I had never thought of before. And I'm struggling to find a silver lining to that fear. The obvious one right now is that I know I'm not alone, and can reach out to you so you know you're not alone. That probably feels a bit salad-y, though.

    I'm praying your fairy tale comes true, your husband rocks his bar exams, and you stumble upon a huge sum of money that isn't the result of somebody else's bad fortune.

    I'm always here if you need me.

  3. Good luck with everything on Friday ... and apparently I've been on the good side with G*d lately (as He's been watching over my Dad) ... so I'll put in a good word for your Hubby with his bar exam.

    And don't forget ... life is full of balances. With every negative thought ... there's a positive thought being sent your way. HUGS!

  4. I can't claim to have a Gotham City Bat Phone to any higher power of any kind; if I did, surely I would use it to help A with the bar, but I am sure he will do just fine on his own. I know what a huge relief it is to have that behind though, and also the huge stress of the entire journey of law school, so kudos to you for 1) surviving and 2) still speaking to each other. I'll keep my fingers crossed for both of you.

  5. Having sat for a three-day bar myself, my sympathies to your poor hubby! I hope it goes extremely well for him on all fronts!

  6. OMG, A is taking the bar, then turning right around and getting his balls cut open? THAT, my friend, is a real man. (And you can tell him from me, even with the hideous student loans from law school and the initial struggle of even finding a job and the terribly hard learning curve of starting out as a lawyer, it's totally worth it in the end. Definitely a good investment, both financially and personally. It just takes awhile to start paying off.)

    Okay, here's my brand of optimism: The reason so many people turn to Advanced Reproductive Technology is that it is fucking ADVANCED. It really WORKS. Not all the time, not for everyone. But there's a reason this shit costs so much; it's just that amazing. Seriously--a 40% chance of getting preggers each cycle? Astonishing.

    So take your 90% chance and run with it, baby!

    And if you're feeling gloomy about the money, here are a few mind tricks I play on myself so I don't freak out: (1) You've saved a lot of money of the past few years NOT having a kid. Daycare ain't cheap, nor is giving up your income to be a home-mom. (2) What could be a better way to spend your money, or a more important reason to go into debt? You'd be totally willing to spend this much money to help kid if he/she was sick or in trouble. (3) It's too much money to be real. It's Monopoly money!!! And your kid doesn't really need his own room, does he? And she probably doesn't really want to go to college, right? And hey, there's always bankruptcy!!!

    Okay, now I'm freaking myself out again. I'll shut up now.

    Good luck. Keep posting. And don't worry about Hope. She's a fickle bitch, but she'll be back with the thaw....

  7. Oh, and unlike Annacyclopedia, I'm not at all tight with god. But I can write a wicked-ass-long comment, can't I?

  8. I found that bitch Hope. She was buried under all of my worries. I dusted her off and am sending her your way!

    Good luck!

  9. Holy Shit!!! Talk about a lot going on- I certainly don't have a great track record with any higher power- but I will be thinking the best of thoughts for A on his adventures- I hope they are all painless & fruitful...

    I agree with the monopoly money comment- it's way too much to be real so it's not worth worrying about ;o)

  10. Learning about what other people have gone through can be daunting, but at the same time look at how many people are successful? The pregnancies definitely win which gives me hope.

  11. First off, I'm with babychaser: You've got yourself a real man on your hands--what with leaping from a huge exam to surgery. Which is why I am desperately petitioning various deities: you must succeed. We need more of your kind of folks on this creaky old planet!

    I personally don't feel that ignorance is bliss when it comes to health matters. However, I try to remember that my story is mine alone. All the blogs of all the other stories may give you a hint of what's to come, but you can't and won't know until you get there. And when you do get there, you may find all sorts of resources you never suspected you'd have.

    But the waiting for the future to arrive? Pure torture.

  12. I read this yesterday but just didn't know exactly what to say then. But I've mulled it over a bit, and even though I'm probably the last person you should take advice from, I would say that the best thing to do at this point is just relax and go along for the ride. And I know that sounds stupid and cheesy, but if you're focusing on the negative, then just let that emotion wash over you, and let it go. You have very little control over where all of this goes (and that sucks sometimes), but ultimately, you should take the "ten steps ahead" blogs for what they are, which is ten steps beyond what you need to worry about right now.
    And as for the negative thoughts in your head, you need to cut them loose, let them fly away. This is so not something that you should stress about. Stressing will not change the outcome in one way or the other, so in the mean time, you have to keep living like what you are doing is towards that better, higher goal.

    Fuck me, that's a bunch of hippie-dippy bullshit that I just spewed. But I think it rings true at points. I am the queen of "oh, well." (well, not lately with my mtherefking surgery coming up, but usually), and I find that it serves me well to essentially attempt to ignore or accept what I cannot control.

    I can't offer you hope (since mine seems to only be false hope), but I can try to send some peace your way.

    Right now, you've got all of us to provide whatever mental support we can of you and A_. And A_ is a total BADASS. I can't believe he's taking the bar and then getting his nuts cut. He is one bad ass person to even schedule it that way in the first place. Woohoo!

  13. Many good thoughts to A on the Bar. I thought the second day was much easier for several reasons. One, my second day was the multistate so all multiple choice and no essays! Yes! Two, lunch was leftovers from Italian dinner the night before. Score! Three, I had a jacket (which I was lacking during Day 1) so it was more like being in Alaska than on the Polar Ice Caps.