Monday, February 11, 2008

My vagina has a first name...

I'm performing in a production of The Vagina M0nologues this year. My main mon0logue is "My Angry V*gina" which is a pretty fun one. I get to bitch about the multitude of things that get shoved up us. I don't love everything in the show, but I like the dialog the show tends to spark.
(For instance, I learned that it is illegal to sell vibrators in Indiana! Apparently people are able to get around this by labeling them as "novelty" items.)
I guess my own vagina confession would be that the poor thing gets no play. In the monologue I talk about cold duck lips and I thought of all my IF gals: How so many of you have dildocams and speculums and catheters for IUI. How so many of you have to put suppositories there. How hard you work to bleed or not bleed each month. How some of you plan when to have sex. How much thought goes into your (insert name for vagina and corresponding parts here. Lady-bits, va-jayjay, coochie snorter, vagina, who-ha, etc. And yes, I recognize that the vagina is a world away from, say, the ovaries, but this is my blog and I can lump 'em all in together if I want to.)

My vagina has none of that.
The only action my vagina has gotten recently was a tampon like three weeks ago. I can't remember the last time I had the s.e.x. but it's probably been a month. (Honey, if you're reading this, stop. And yes, I know it's my fault too. Maybe I'll get crazy and shave my legs this weekend.) I haven't had a PAP smear in a year and a half. (Er, I need to take care of that.)
I feel like my vagina is going along with my IVF plans - she's in wait. We can't afford to do it right now, so she has gone into hibernation until that time. I don't think much about her except when I am cramping. We're just kind of platonic roommates, waiting until the lease is up to figure out if we're going to keep living together.

So what kind of relationship do you have with your vagina? Has that changed since IF?


  1. "We're just kind of platonic roommates" just made me laugh out loud for real.

  2. For some reason I have the Oscar Mayer song in my head. What does that have to say about my hoo-hah when I have a weiner song in my head? ;-P

  3. Heh. That is totally what I was singing when I wrote the title. So you're not the only one.

  4. Hmmm. What kind of relationship? Now that we've started pursuing fertility treatments I am much more in tune w/my, uh, feminine side. I NEVER noticed my CM, or ovulation pains.

    Overall, a good relationship though and if my husband isn't in the mood, there is Mr. Shaky.

  5. First of all I have to say I LOVE the Vagina Monologues! I had never heard of it until I walked in the door during my sophomore year of college. COMPLETELY hilarious!

    I would say I have a love-hate relationship with my va-jay-jay. I love to love her (when hubby is in the mood that is...or with my battery-operated boyfriend in desparate times), but I also love to hate her. She's always the bearer of bad news. If she could talk, I'm sure she'd say "Hey lady...don't shoot the messenger."

  6. Well I guess mine is kind of like public property. I'm almost surprised when I meet someone who hasn't seen it.

    I don't really have any dignity left, I'll drop my pants in just about any company. I guess it's become depersonalised? Devalued in a way?

  7. Great post Io-

    The S.E.X. has really changed with the whole IF issue. Things are really different when the pressure to concieve is so high, it kind of takes the fun out of things. The shaving of the legs piece was hillarious!

    Chlomid seriously effed things up for me, cm became non apparent. I had a difficult time sleeping which can adversely affect your libido and then top everything off with the emotional mood swings.

    I think of what my va-jayjay has gone through in the last two years and I feel pretty bad for her, the doctors appts with the internal ultrasounds have been not fun at all. The invasive, uncomfortable and awkard visits on a regular basis. To make matters worse, I had my first bikini wax ever last summer and while it was nice for a few weeks the pain was beyond belief. Poor thing, 2007 was rough for her- she couldn't catch a break, inside or out.

    I'm behind on my PAP also, which is not like me. I've been religious about my exam for years after having to have pre-cancerous cells removed from my cervix. Hmmm, I think I'll make the appointment tomorrow.

  8. I'm with you on the leg shaving. But why shave when the girly bits are packed away? IF and weight gain have made me my vagina "just friends". I mean, I barely even like her anymore. The stupid hussy is attached to the rest of the girl parts that just don't do exactly what they're supposed to. So until further notice (i.e. BFP) I'm mad at them.


  9. Yet another great post, Io! The "platonic roomates" line cracked me up :) I saw the Vagina Monolgues about 4 years ago -- funny, moving, wonderful show.

    When we went to do our IUI this weekend, I looked at D and said, "Well, yet another doctor is going to have a look at my hoo-ha". Up until then, D did not know that my morning u/s appointments involved the wonders of the dildocam. He thought it was done externally, like you see in the movies with big pregnant bellys. It's amazing how quickly IF can make you feel blasé about showing your privates to complete strangers.

    What is my relationship with my vagina? I definitely feel more in tune with her than a few years ago, back when I thought pregnancy was a given. I think for the most part, she and I are a united front... until AF comes along. :P

  10. Man. I feel really lucky to have a German husband. He so does not give a shit whether or not I shave. Ever. On average, I shave maybe every 2 weeks- sometimes more or less often- and he just doesn't care. He does notice, and he acts appreciative when I do shave, but mostly because it's such a rare event that I frequently will place his hand on my calf and say, "BABY! I SHAVED! ISN'T THAT COOL???", so he's forced into some sort of false enthusiastic response so that I don't feel bad.

    Anyway, me and the VJ... what an interesting relationship we have. I don't know. I do think that the VJ agrees that we should have sex more often, but it's such a hassle sometimes. Before H and I got married, I was usually the one instigating matters, and as a matter of fact, was trying to convince my husband to add secret marriage vows declaring that we would never go more than a week without having sex.

    But around that time, we were dealing with the stress of moving to a new city (leaving the city where I was born and raised and where all of my friends lived), and the stress of living together for the first time in a less than ideal situation (house sitting in a gross-messy house) and the stress of starting a new job, working 16 hr days, and then unexpectedly losing my job, and the stress of immediately getting married at the magistrate with only 2 friends when we really wanted to have a real wedding.

    And then I got diagnosed and treated for PCOS, which dropped the testosterone levels, and also meant that I actually (for a while there between the first and second wedding) had to use prophylactics to prevent pregnancy. And since BCP and I don't get along, that meant condoms, which I and my husband hate.

    And now, the trying-to-make-a-baby thing seems to have taken the fun out of the process. It's like the VJ associates sex with dashed-baby-hopes, so now, emotionally, it's hard to get excited about sex 'cos I can't separate it from the negative emotions of infertility.

    So, I guess what I'm saying is that we got into a pattern of negativity and stress surrounding sex and it's nigh on impossible to break it.

    Suck. I keep promising my husband "maybe this weekend", but truthfully, I don't think that's a promise that I'll keep.

  11. What a funny post. I haven't seen that show yet, I'd love to. As for my relationship with my vagina.....well we are a lot closer than we've been in the past. I really didn't know a lot about her or the parts she is connected to, until we started TTC. Now I do feel much more gratitude that I am a woman....our bodies are so amazing, even when they don't cooperate. I've delurked. I've been reading your blog for a while now but don't think I've ever commented before. Have a great day!

  12. Oh, yeah. My va-jay-jay hasn't seen any action besides a dildocam in over a month. And I'm too tired to do anything to change that even though the RE has ok'd "gentle intercourse." How is it gentle with a 6'4" 260 pound man??? Ok, I know we could be creative, but like I said, I'm too tired. :)

    All normal.

    BTW, LOVE Vagina Monologues. I saw it with Kimberly Williams and Phylicia (sp?) Rashad in LA.

  13. Delurking to say I've been reading your blog for a while now and love it. Shoud've commented before but am shy. {blushing}

    The relationship with my lady bits? Mostly I just feel pity for the poor gals, after all they have been through in the last couple of years. It is tough all over!

  14. new to your blog...and wanted to say what a great post!

    my relationship with my vagina - truly i feel sorry for her. she has been through so much. but, to be honest, everything above my neck still seems to be me, while everything below my neck doesn't feel like ME anymore. IF has made me somewhat divorce the majority of my body. it is foreign to me. and that makes me pretty damn sad.

    as far as sex and IF...pshaw...DH and i miss the way it USED to be before IF, but haven't yet figured out how to get it back. also pretty damn sad.

  15. Whoot! Hello delurkers! I feel so honored to have you!

  16. 'Coochie snorter'- I love it!

    me & ms. vajayjay have an interesting relationship at the moment. I feel like I know more about her than I ever wanted to & she is about to get her world wide debut. Which I am a little nervous about, but she never seems to mind. hussy.
    and thankfully the s.e.x. has improved greatly since we started trying. there were a couple rough patches & umm- like now- we haven't gotten it on in going on a week & a half, but who's counting.

  17. God, IF has been the death knell for my sex life. Ugh. It was a total relief, after a year and a half of having sex 4-5 times a month (all in the fertile week), to just not having sex.

    The sad part is, we have pretty good sex when we do it. But I think both of us have kind of lost interest.

    And yeah, I sometimes think fondly of those times when I would get all worked up over a pelvic. At this point, I think it's funny when the nurse leaves the room while I drop trou. I always want to say "hey, this'll just take 2 seconds, don't go anywhere, I'm ready..."

    Sigh. Love-hate relationship indeed.

  18. Hmmm... I've made some peace with my cooter. After all, she and her sisters are doing the best they can. They're just underachievers.
    In the context of wandings, etc., they feel like just another part of my body, without all the mystique. I've stopped caring who looks at them in a clinical setting, oddly enough. Funny that.

    My husband and I are terrible horndogs, always have been. So IF hasn't had that much of an effect on our s.e.x life. Clomid made this even worse, so I was a maniac until the hellish mittelschmerz got me.

  19. I posted in my own blog awhile ago about the fact that I sat in the bath right before our first fertility consult and had a conversation with my vagina, in which I informed it that if it and its assorted organs didn't start performing, they'd be rammed, probed and scraped to within an inch of their lives. I'm glad I'm not the only one! Am liking your blog and also dig the fact that we have randomly picked the exact same blogger template and colours...spooky.

  20. Well, now that I have picked myself up off the floor and wiped away the tears of laughter - I only have one question - do I have a va-jayjay? And if so - where do I find it? I asked my dh - he seemed confused too and just shrugged his shoulders in that typical man way that means "why you asking me?".

    I had a visit with the dildocam just last Friday . . . after a love/hate relationship with that thing for almost 16 years now, I actually forget my standard gets 'em chuckling every time line "Do you have one that vibrates?"

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