Thursday, March 27, 2008

I feel like I read some Oprah-endorsed book

Oh you people. Talking about living life as though IF/babies weren't a concern. Giving me ideas. You have me thinking about what I have given up for infertility.

Well...not much so far. A few thousand bucks. The ability to act like a normal person around babies. (Keep in mind "normal" is a relative term. Very relative.) That's about it.

I can tell you what I have gained from IF though.
A fat ass. Double Ds. Cankles.
Actually that last one I think I have always had, even when I was skinny. My calves just sort of narrow gradually into my feet. I hate it and have hated it since the boy I was dating (who was a fucking ballet dancer - that should have been my first clue that the sex wasn't worth it. Hm. That makes him sound gay. He wasn't, just an asshole.) asked me "Can't you do something about your calves?"
Keep in mind I was a size 4 at the time. It gave me a terrible complex about my calves that I have to this day. His head would probably explode if he saw me now.
Let me show you - I don't have many picture where my ankles are showing, but I dug up this goofy senior picture from high school. This is about what I looked like until 4 years ago, although my hair changed and I usually wore not so ugly shoes. I'm not sure exactly what I was thinking with this get-up. Or this pose. Um. Or all of it really.
Edit: I zoomed in on the cankles. They are skinny here, but you'll notice, my calf goes directly into my foot. There is no dainty turning in that will catch a man's eye if he glimpses it beneath my skirts.

When we first started ttc, each month I was quite sure that I was pregnant. Every AF symptom suddenly was ascribed to my burgeoning pregnancy. Sore boobs? Pregnant. Pimple? Pregnant. Hungry? Definitely pregnant.

And I wouldn't want to deny my child the food it was demanding, now would I? So I ate. And then when AF finally got there I would be sad. So I ate. And then I felt bad about eating. So I ate. And then I found out there would be no baby without some serious measures and it would be a long time before we coudl afford them. So I ate. A lot.
It doesn't help that A_ used to be a professional pastry chef.

And now I must face the fact that I look like this:

Happy, but fat. And very white.

It hasn't really bothered me that much. I wear my weight well - it has distributed evenly so I still have a waist and everything. But the fact is, it's not healthy. And I didn't realize until I saw a picture of myself from the other night handing out an award how fat I was. I looked like I could eat the poor little guy I am congratulating. (It didn't help that he was only like 5'2.)
So here is my "IF won't stop me from living my life" thing. I am going to get in shape. I am going to stop eating sticks of butter as snacks and collapsing on the couch from the time I get home until I got to bed. I am going to be healthy. So that when it does come time, when I *do* get pregnant, I will be able to eat whatever the baby tells me to.
Cause fat and pregnant is fine by me.

EDIT: Doh. I didn't mean to sounds like I was fishing for compliments . I just wanted to show you how skinny I once was and that I have cankles. I swear to god, I do have cankles. They are just skinny cankles in that picture. Now I have fat cankles.


  1. Just for the record, I think the outfit in the picture is cute! And boy do I hear you about the IF and weight gain thing. I did the exact same thing - "Oh, I must be pregnant. Gotta eat this bag of chips". Ha. Hubby kept warning me to get in shape BEFORE I got pregnant, did I listen? Nope. Now I'm pregnant, fat, and getting fatter! (do what I say, not what do) ;)

  2. You are not alone I ate 3 pieces of cake for lunch because "I am worried about this cycle"...yeah right I am just a fat kid that likes cake!!

  3. You do not have cankles. Where is that wee little ballerina boy now? I will snap him like a twig. I couldn't agree more about eating issue. I simply can't exercise self control, which then makes me crazy. I was running last summer, now I just run to the fridge. sigh.(Adorable picture, by the way!)

  4. I'm not really seeing the cankles, either. Ballet Boy lied to you, my dear.

    Can I signup for that lifestyle change thing too? I've been thinking about that a lot lately: I may not be able to control whether I ever get pg, but I *can* do much more to control my weight. Life's too short have the weight thing constantly on my mind.

  5. Your ex does sound like an asshole. Good riddance.

    I admire your conviction...well done. I do want to let you know that you are in good company however. I started this pregnacy about 30 pounds heavier than I like to be, and now I gotta gain another 30-40 (which I am well on my way to doing, by the way)?

    Yikes. Yowsa.

    And I think you look cute, too.

  6. Ughhhhhhhh! You've hit a nerve!

    I've been going through some of the same, except I gained way before I even thought of conceiving. I'm a stress eater, and damn I've got stress in my life.

  7. Sadly, I must admit that I have cankles, too.

    The first time that I got preggers, I was a cute size four, with little cellulite and killer abs. Six miscarriages and two years later, I refuse to admit to my size, and abs. . .a distant memory.

    Oh, what we give up for the hope of children.

  8. I'm not saying you have them, but I freakin love the word "cankles." I've got thick ankles but never hear this term before today. Although a friend of mine in Japan used the term "thass" to describe the transition from thigh to ass.

    And you do look very cute in this picture - the dress is great. Although I agree that the shoes are questionable.

    Thanks for your nice comment about my own little mug. For the record, I did have Heidi braids at one time in the not so distant past and will try to dig up a photo of when I had long hair so you can see my braids.

  9. Uh, no. No cankles showing on my computer screen. That is a very fetching picture. That's strange. I never use the term "fetching," but that's exactly what came to mind when I saw the picture.

  10. I don't see skinny cankles in that picture, and you are soooooo cute! When I first saw it, I thought it was a picture of a movie star with the fancy pose and all! ha ha.

    I do wish you well on your road to fitness. What activities do you like to do? I love power yoga, but I've had to turn off the power lately and just do easy yoga.

  11. I don't get the cankles issue, even if you had them, which I believe you don't. What do Ballet Boys know?

    Food is very comforting. And it's easy to fall into that "I feel bad, let's eat" habit.

    Perhaps we can figure out a way to walk the road to better fitness together? I've been letting a lot of things slide before and after my surgery, but I must return to my cruel regime now that April is on its way...

  12. I must go on record too of not seeing even skinny cankles! I don't disbelieve you that you think you have them- but if none of us can, then I wouldn't worry about it!

    I haven't gained any weight per se, but before ttc I had the whole kidney thing which made me gain 15-20. I have been losing it again, but it's slow slow going. I blame the past 16 months for that. And the drinking- which I swear I have cut down. It's amazing what a life threatening conditin mixed with repeated conception failures can do to a girl.

  13. As always, you have me in stiches - laughing so hard I have to make sure I'm not drinking anything and reading your blog.

    Loved the michelin man pic and reference. I feel like that EVERYDAY.

    I let IF start to affect all aspects of my life (not just eating) and finally snapped out of it one day. I was tired of putting off career advances, education goals and travel plans around "What if I might be pregnant". It was the hardest thing ever but now worth it.

  14. I think you have lovely ankles. Sexy ankles. And I'm impressed with your resolve. You're right, we shouldn't sacrfice our entire bodies to this process-- we should be taking care of ourselves. I really hear you on the IF weight gain, though.

  15. Damn, Gina! Those shoes are TRAGIC. I'm afraid I don't know if those ankles will fit through the door of my house, so we might have to make alterations to our visitation plans... (in case you can't tell, I'm kidding. Jeez, you freako! Your ankles are totally NORMAL...).

    What a figgin' addhole of an ex-boyfriend. Jeebus. I once joked with an ex that I had every intention to get as fat as possible while still retaining mobility, and he looked at me in all seriousness, and said, "you're not *really* planning to get any fatter, are you?" And I'm all "go frack yourself, you dillhole. I don't know ANYONE who plans to get fat." and he was all, "I just wanted to make sure, 'cos you're pretty much as big as you should be." Needless to say, even though we dated for 2 years, I think I must have been going through some sort of masochism thing because I pretty much hated him the entire time.

    In general, I don't suffer from the cankle issue, but I totally don't get the super-flat-shoe trend right now, 'cos even the tiniest and most delicate of ankles look like lumbering men-legs when the foot is all crazy flexed like that. I know that this means that Nina Garcia is gonna come ninja my ass in my sleep for speaking out against a massive fashion trend, but I just had to say it.

    And yeah, even though I know what I need to do to get thinner, I still just get fatter and fatter because I'm lazy. I'm letting silly things get in the way of taking care of myself, but mostly, it's just fatigue. Oh, and the whole "I like to eat" thing...