Saturday, March 8, 2008

The Powah of CHARLIE

(Five Kate points to Kate for the title.)

Nancy has a post about adoption that got me thinking a bit. But first, more puppy stuff. Because I just can't stand how freaking cute this little guy is. We still don't know what exactly the deal is - I haven't really had a chance to sit down and talk with his owner. I'd say it's because he's really busy, but I could have brought it up on the phone and avoided it. I have a feeling his owner changed his mind about giving him up.
I think he wants to do maybe a foster situation where we would have Charlie during the week and then he would take him on the weekends. It is now 11:32 on Saturday, I know his owner has a charity event this afternoon, and I still have him. I figure as long as I don't ask, and still have Charlie, that I can live in ignorant bliss.
He's sleeping next to me on the couch and just made a funny purr-growl noise in his sleep. My heart just melted a little. Like the snow on his nose this morning.

Then we came in to play with the lobster and try on scarves.

And as cute as the Charlie is, I must give a shoutout to my cats, Thomas and KD, who have kindly allowed me to bring this puppy into their house.

OK, yay. Back to Nancy's post about adoption.
She asks:
"If you have decided against adoption - why? Was it a mutual decision? Was it like us where one "no" trumped any "yes"? Does anyone else feel like my husband does? Are you not planning on adopting because you have children? Are you not planning on adopting to focus on living child free? Do you want to adopt but can't for any reason?"

How hard is it to explain why some of us chose to go through treatments instead of adopting? I mean, I can some up with all sorts of reasons.
Adopting can be just as or even more expensive.
You don't necessarily know what you're getting in terms of how the mother took care of herself while pregnant.
The wait for a healthy white infant can be really long.
(The list of course goes on...)

Ok, numbers one and three are not actually true in our case. Our treatment is crazy expensive and we would probably adopt a non-white infant. So what's my excuse? Just the fear of getting an FAS baby? Of having to deal with learning disabilities? It's not like having one myself would guarantee health and brilliance. But it makes the odds better.

If I had wanted to adopt, I think my husband would have been completely fine with it. But I want all the normalcy. I want to have as much control as possible. I want a chance of passing down my genes - what can I say? I like myself. It's a primal urge to carry and nurture.

But I think most of all I worry that it wouldn't be permanent enough. Since I wrote that first half, Charlie's owner came to pick him up. I think I would always worry about the first family coming back or about my child wanting to find them and choosing them. I don't worry so much about not loving my child as my child not loving me.

Well, that was depressing. And not at all organized. Oh well.

Good-ish news - I found out that there is a shared cycle program in Cincinnati. Much closer than NJ. I can drive there in an hour and half.
First thing Monday, I am going to call.


  1. Aw, man - I want Charlie to stay forevah!

    I agree that the terrifying part of adoption is potentially falling head-over-hells for a little one only to have the dream snatched away from you.

    That shared cycle program sounds promising, though. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it works out.

  2. this is a really interesting post that raises all kinds of good questions I want to think about and post about. And also read Nancy's post. But I am at my sister's place and would rather play with my Owen, who is 4 and worships me. Later.

    That shared cycle thing does sound good. Hope you get good info on Monday and it turns into something workable.

  3. Great news about the shared cycle program! I wish I could find one out this way.

    SUPER cute puppy!

  4. firstly- I also want Charlie to stay for EVER! How cute is he?! I'm sorry he was taken back.

    I can understand exactly what you say- "I want a chance of passing down my genes - what can I say? I like myself. It's a primal urge to carry and nurture."

    I think that for us the thought of adoption has been in our minds since before we were married. Now that we are facing the realities of treatments I have been thinking more & more about adoption & conception. I want the pregnancy. I want the big belly & looking at the mix of my hub's eyes & my nose on our baby. It may be selfish, but because of where we are in our lives- I want the pregnancy first. I still want to adopt & may one day, but I as I go on longer & longer in this journey, I find myself thinking that I want the whole package so much more than I ever expected I would- pregnancy complete with infant child after 9 months.

  5. Our PCP mentioned donor sperm and my husband wouldn't even consider it. That was three months ago, I don't know how he feels now. I imagine that would be worth trying if we fail several IVF's. Last resort kind of thing.

    I have two close friends who are in the process of adopting. Sounds painful, in a non-physical kind of way. But they are both so excited about it. Good for them.

    I'm selfish too. I want to be pregnant.

  6. I love charlie and I don't even know him? (how could you not love that little face!!!!)

    Anyway, I think I remember that you live fairly close to me. I think you're mid-Indiana area right? I'm in Ft Wayne, I think my specialist (Dr Shelby Cooper) has a shared cycle option... here's his website address, it may be worth checking out - it only takes a couple of hours from Ft Wayne to Indy and Dr Cooper and his staff (with the exception of one bitchy ultrasound tech) are all awesome.

    Good luck.

  7. ...and if you do check him (Dr Cooper) out and you guys ever needed a place to stay while in town (Indiana weather can be nasty) you always have a home that you and your hubby are welcome in.

    Infertility girls are bonded I think without ever knowing one another.

    Best wishes,

  8. io- to answer your random question- I used to work at another store that faced the back of pottery barn- we knew when they threw out good stuff & ran over & yanked it. I tried to go after hours to minimize getting spotted. Surveilance was key. We got a huge perfect rug among other things. (well- one spot that came out no problem) The bad news is that I think most of those companies have since made it policy to either donate (which I agree with) or destroy (which pisses me off) any unsellable items that are returned.

    I suggest you find out when the 'big trash' day is in the 'good' neighborhoods by you & scope that out too... you'd be surprised what people throw out instead of lugging to a goodwill!

  9. I want to be pregnant. It's not so much that I want to pass my wonderfulness on, but that I want to experience pregnancy. Maybe I would feel different if our major issue was related to me, but since the sperm problem can be fixed with ICSI, we have decided on IVF.

    I can't wait to hear what you find out about the Cincy place! Good luck!

  10. You've probably done tons of research on clinics, but for what it's worth, I've heard many good things about Cincinnati. I was debating between my clinic and Cincinnati, and the convenience finally won me over. When will you start, do you think?

  11. Yeah. H and I talked about adoption, and we're both kind of against it, but it has more to do with being more open to living child free. I'm going to sound like a total asshole here, but I wouldn't want to adopt a child that has learning difficulties or that wasn't an infant. And unfortunately, infants are ridiculously expensive to adopt.

    It's also important to us that any child we have be German, since H is German. The nationality thing is really important as a connection to him.

    And while I know that it's no guarantee that any child we had would be smart, I know that there is a significant factor of intellectual aptitude that is genetic. And I swear, one of the biggest fears I have is having a dumb child. And that's not a risk I want to take.

    Plus, there is a strong movement toward recognizing some sort of primal injury incurred by adopted children, and I don't want to take that chance.

    So, for all of those above reasons, but mostly because of our openness to living child-free, I couldn't consider adoption.

    But I'm also inclined to change my mind, which I may do later.

    And WOOT on the shared cycle thing. Awesome! Oh, and YAY! I got me some points!!!!!

  12. My family had a similar arrangement with our dog Cookie and the amazing neighbors (who basically became my grandparents--they had no biokids but lots of people who loved them). Cookie would stay with them during the day, and we'd take her home at night. The dog loved it: twice the attention and love.

    I think until you're crystal clear about adopting, you shouldn't do it. When, as a couple, your hearts say it's right, then it is and you'll figure out how to deal with whatever comes your way. We're not there yet, and may never be.

    Awesome, about sharing a cycle in Sin City. Keep us updated!

  13. Charlie is the cutest thing ever!! I love the snowface picture.

    That is great news about the shared cycle program. I hope that works out well for you guys.

    As for the adoption question, I expect to be revisiting that in the fall if our upcoming treatments don't work. Le sigh...

  14. ugh. I still haven't processed all the comments left from that post and you've got another convo about it. I'm a crappy blogger lately.