Saturday, March 1, 2008

Yeesh. I was a little harsh about Nurse Nofilter, (and a little whiney, sorry) but it was good to have something to fixate on. My friend Becky called me last night and commented on how anxious I had been the night before when she called me. I was a little surprised because I thought I was as cool as a cucumber when I talked to her. Apparently I'm crappy at studied nonchalance.

For those of you who asked what a "ton" of sperm was, we got five vials that each have appx. 21 million of the kiddos. We have to do ICSI anyways, so just that it was there was really the most important thing. So basically, we have five tries (although can thy refreeze? I don't know). Regardless, seeing as how we can't even afford one right now, I think we'd give up before we got to five tries at IVF.
Unfortunately, the waiting room people didn't get the follow up because the doctor brought me over to the consulting area to tell me exactly how much a ton was and that we had 19% motility. I'm sure they were all disappointed not to see the picture too. I'd show you a picture of our half children, but I don't have a scanner at home. We're saving it for the baby book. (Mwahaha! I'm already turning into my mother!)
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I feel so ungrateful. I should be thrilled that A_ had sperm and we got so much and blah blah blah. But all I can think about is the fact that I don't feel like we have anything to look forward to. Before now I could think about the surgery. Now what? I can think about saving money. But it'll probably be a year before I can call an RE and make that first appointment. I know it's not, but a year seems like such a long time. I feel like I have a tendency to whine on my blog (um, like right now, maybe?) and I hate it, but is that all I'm going to want to do for the next year? Nobody wants to read that. Sigh.

17 comments:

  1. Reading your so-called whining is one of the highlights of my life at the moment! So don't stop, ok?

    I *really* know how you feel about not having anything to look forward to. That's been the last 5 years for us - the wait for Manny's surgery was really long, and for pretty much the whole time, we didn't know when it would be - they just told us once they had a time for him, maybe a month or two in advance. And then the wait, post-surgery, with a ton of confusing results on his SA (ie: there are some sperm, but you have an infection; there are some sperm but they're not moving; there are no sperm. That last one stuck.) And then the wait for me to see an OBG to check me out so we can get a referral to actually do something.

    All that time, we were waiting for something, but there was no end in sight. Everything was very vague. And while we had a plan, it was still incredibly hard to wait all that time. Because all that time we were still wanting a baby. And we still are, even though the possibility is much closer now. And it's the wanting the baby that's so painful in all of this.

    So you have something to write about (and you are such a good writer.) A year waiting for a baby can be an incredibly long time. What's the journey of waiting like for you? I know I'm not the only one who wants to know.

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  2. While I am glad that you got 5 vials (whoo-hoo!) I do feel for you on the waiting. I can understand a smidgeon of it as we have struggled with finances for a while- and we will still have to wait & save to move forward into treatments. But my wait is a drop in the bucket & I can't imagine how much this upcoming few months (hopefully not a year!) will suck. But I agree that no matter how long it takes you will have something to talk about & lots of people who want to listen! And I hope that the wait will be very much worth it in the end!

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  3. We feel your frustrations. We relate. That's why we're here, reading infertiles' blogthingies. We NEED to relate, because the other people in our lives cannot relate.

    It's not whining. Expressing your frustrations is not always whining.

    So here's raising a glass (of milk, ha!) and cheering, "To a quick wait". I hope the time flies by.

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  4. i'm with the others... a year can feel like an eternity in infertile-world... good luck with the wait! any hobbies you've been wanting ot pick-up? :)

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  5. Dude (ack ... who says "dude" anymore? Apparently me!) I've got the cheese to your whine. Just like you've been there for all of us in IF blogiverse, we're here for you too. Where else is anyone going to ever understand even remotely what you're going through. And that's why I say ... bring on the whine!

    HUGS to you. And here's to a relatively quick, painless, and money-saving year!

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  6. Stocking up on some nice cheeses to take in with your whine in the future. Maybe a creamy goat's milk, a sharp parmesan, a gouda.

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  7. Isn't whining & bitching the whole point of blogging? It is for me :)

    Yay for the sperm. Sucks that so much of this is dependent on $ though.

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  8. You were not whining! Plus that's what a blog is for. Get it all out!

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  9. WOOOHOOOO! Sperm in the bank! Peas on A_'s nuts! A medical professional who doesn't listen!

    You have the makings of an award-winning musical, I think.


    Anyway, yeah, you should bitch about that nurse. Um, DUH. If you say you can't afford it, she should totally fucking drop it, or is she just stupid?


    Your whining makes me feel normal, so you shouldn't stop doing it. I mean, I'm the farthest fucking thing from normal, so I'm really glad that something somewhere sometime makes me feel like my (borderline) lunatic-ish ranting is at least sort of reasonable.

    And, yeah. I feel you on the waiting thing. Why the fuck do fertility treatments have to be so ding-danged expensive? It just fucking sucks. And I'll be waiting with you for the better part of that year, probably. So, let's like start a quilting circle or some shit like that, to pass the time, eh? Or maybe a drinking circle. That sounds like more fun. Or a drunk quilting circle. That sounds the funnest.

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  10. Personally, I do not think you were too harsh about that nurse. What she said to you (everything she said) was totally unprofessional, not to mention insensitive! I would complain to someone, I really would. At the very least she should respect your privacy in the waiting room- and respect your decision to wait a year. I'm angry for you!

    As for the waiting... if only you could just "forget" about it all for a year, until you are ready. I tell myself, when I'm 80 years old, will it matter if my child is 45 or 46? No. But right now, the waiting time is so difficult, for so many reasons. Hang in there, and take good care of yourself!!

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  11. I enjoy your writing so much, and I think your "whining" is not that at all. We are all here to support each other; we (Ok, I won't speak for all of blogland) I open this blog every day because I feel connected to you and want to support you. I know a year is an eternity... I'm hoping you continue to share your thoughts with us to pass the time.

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  12. You always make me crack up in front of my lonely monitor here, so please keep it coming (and it never strikes me as whiny).

    Here's a possibly obnoxious piece of assvice. It's possible to get an RE consult and even many of the tests done you'll need prior to IVF and have your insurance pay for it. Seriously, I have the shittiest insurance in the world, or close to it, and it covered a consult and several other procedures, including (knock on wood) my upcoming surgery. If you can get an RE willing to work with you on your "painful periods" or something, you can get the prep work out of the way and be ready to roll once the money's in place.

    My RE basically hinted that they knew how to code things properly to make sure the dreaded i word didn't cross the insurance company's mind. And so far, he's been as good as his hint.

    Just saying, you may not have to sit on your hands and curse the gods. There might be a few odds and ends you can get out of the way. And you know you'll always have a friend nearby who's happy to listen (when not dispensing annoying recommendations).

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  13. This is the place to do it, so whine away.

    I AM happy, however, that you got the 5 vials.

    It's like post-wedding depression. There's all this build up for the big day, and then it's over. You'll be excited again soon...trust me.

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  14. Honestly, I'm impressed that you CAN wait that long. I'd have jumped at the payment plan, responsible or no. I'm just so fucking through with being responsible about all of this.

    The problem is, once you go all to-hell-with-it regarding money, it's hard to rein it in. It's like my whole sense of what's "expensive" has shifted. What's $100 on dinner when it's three times that if I have to get my bloodwork on a Sunday? (My lab is closed on Sundays.) What's $1500 for a new TV when you're staring a shared risk at $23,000 (via second mortgage) in the face?

    Very very dangerous.

    I'm short on advice on what to do with your time to wait. Especially because anything really good to do with a year isn't going to help you save money. Hobbies are expensive. Vacations are expensive. Booze is expensive. Ugh. I'm depressing myself, too.

    Hey! Any chance that A will get a job with an insurance option that will cover some of this for you? I know, I'm trying to "fix" things, which isn't what you're looking for. I hate it when people do that. I should delete this, but I like hearing myself talk....

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  15. I think it is terrific that you did get so much sperm. The whole waiting game sucks, but it will go faster than you think. I'm one of the most impatient people ever and when I was forced to wait another year due to my husband's uncertainty I thought I would surely burst from the agony of waiting. In the end it worked out fine having that extra year. Whine all you want because this is your space to get the frustrations out!

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  16. Yay! You are so my hero. Can't wait to read your letter. And I'm working on a more interesting post, so there will be a reward (if you can call it that.)

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  17. Hey there. I'm a different PJ - Pamela Jeanne, but a PJ nonetheless. Thank YOU for your comment. You're pretty cool, too. I'll be sure to drop by on a regular basis to see how things are going for you...

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