When I got home a few nights ago, A_ was finishing up a phone conversation. He got off and said "Well, J's pregnant."
Of course she is. J is a friend of ours who took A_'s old teaching job after he finished law school. I was talking to her a few months ago and she mentioned they were going to start trying.
I love J and know she is going to be an amazing mother and of course I am happy for her. She was a foster mother to a teenage girl when she was only in her early 20s herself and she absolutely kicks ass. I was excited that she was moving down here to take this job so we could hang out more.
But of course, hearing that she's pregnant sent a wisp of jealousy curling up through my stomach and into my heart where it squeezed so tightly I felt like I couldn't breathe.
With that last breath I managed to throw out "Oh." Fuck. "That's great. I'll have to call her and congratulate her tomorrow."
See, A_ generally gets vaguely annoyed at my infertility melodrama. He's expressed to me before that he doesn't quite get why I moan and wail and raise my fists to the gods and crank about every time somebody else gets knocked up. (Or maybe I just get a little sad. But he doesn't get that either.) So I try not to be that bitter bitchy infertile you all know and (hopefully) like when he's around.
But this time instead of moving on to talk about something else, A_ looked a little lost and then said "Everyone's having babies."
And it's true. His best friend is pregnant, his old office mate just had a baby, his new replacement is having a baby, our friends who have two biological children already went and adopted another one internationally because they have millions of dollars and want to be Brang-e-fucking-lina. My other friend J is pregnant because she wasn't using birth control because she thought doing drugs* and smoking and drinking would keep her so unhealthy she wouldn't be able to get pregnant. There are a million other friends that are having babies.
Like I said, it doesn't normally affect A_. But I think that starting his new job, he's realized that all of his coworkers have children. And they like to talk about their children.
A_ started talking about how I should just go find somebody else and have a kid. Then I could come back if I wanted. He was only half kidding. He said he knows how much I want a child and he hates that he can't give me one. He hurts that I hurt. And I hurt for him. He hates that we still have to come up with ten grand for IVF. (I've been trying to save money but it's slow going. I never turned in my C**per application because I'm a size 14 right now. Nobody would want my fat eggs. Hell, *I* wouldn't want my fat eggs. A_ finds out about the b*r on May 9th and while he can take it again if he failed, I worry that he'll lose his job and the savings we've got now will disappear again.)
I know that this is just a temporary depression. I'll be done with the campaign in less than a week so we'll see each other more and I'll have time to do basic things like laundry and I can make time to exercise. (And most importantly to read and comment on blogs!) Hopefully A_ will pass the b*r and his job will get easier and we can be better about the money he's making. But I worry that I will get to next week and it won't get any better. I'll have more time to wallow in self-pity. I'll have more time to sit on the couch with ice cream and my Charlie (who is also getting big - like 7 pounds!). I'll have more time to listen to the quiet creaks of my old house and watch the dust slowly settle in thick layers and think about what I would be doing if I had a baby.
Wait. Maybe this is why A_ says I am melodramatic...
*Maybe I'm just sheltered, but I have never even had a chance to contemplate doing stuff like cocaine. I knew J was a little wild, but good grief. I'm keeping my nose out of her business, but I wanted to shake her and scream "What the fuck were you THINKING?!" It was very hard to be supportive as she sat there and talked about how she was originally thinking she might abort but then she realized she could never do that and boy, she sure hoped all those drugs didn't royally fuck up her baby. As soon as she found out she stopped drinking/smoking/drugging etc, and has made a complete turnaround, but it still made me want to puke.