Thursday, May 29, 2008

Bitchy Menstruating Io

(You might not want to read this if you are pregnant. Or have kids. Or pretty much have any plan to have kids. It's not that I don't love you, it's just that I am a raging hormonal bitch today.)

Last night I had a dream that I met another woman who was dealing with infertility and I was so excited to tell her all about Mel and Stirrup Queens and all the blogs...
As I'm telling her this though, another woman came up and she was like "NO! Don't look at the blogs! Stay here with me. I'm bitter and infertile and I never ever get pregnant. All those bloggers get pregnant and then have these..." And she whips out this beautiful little baby girl. And the new girl and I get all soft and doe eyed and start to melt. So the baby disappears.

Then I woke up (before my alarm dammit) because I had bad AF cramps.

Obviously, my brain is a jealous, weaselly little shit. And my period doesn't help. I am feeling very hormonal and self pitying again today. And it seems like half my blogroll has gotten knocked up lately. And I am happy for them! I really, truly am! I have cried tears of joy for their BFPs.

I just hate feeling left behind, like there is nothing I can do. I mean, it. won't. happen. I can't hope that somehow a miracle will occur, because there is exactly a 0% chance of it. Not even 1/100th of a percent. And so I'm feeling all sorry for myself again. And I don't mind being a bitter bitchy wench about my crackhead neighbors with kids. But how pathetic does my brain have to be to give me a dream that bashes other infertiles?


  1. As a recent new parent. We also faced infertility. I understand completely where you are coming from.

    And there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. Its just a crappy situation. I'm sorry you have to go through it.


    Samantha (NLCM)

  2. I know exactly how you feel, my dear. But, good news! All those pregnant women can't get piss drunk and sing karaoke.

  3. I have those days, too, and they suck about as badly as anything has every sucked.

  4. Hey, Io, I'm sorry you're going through this. This whole situation is rife with ambivalence and contradictory feelings. Nothing to feel bad about, though I know it's no fun at all to wake up to.

    Hope you feel a bit better as AF moves on out.

  5. I hear ya, babe. I've been fighting the little green monster for weeks now and the little bugger is kicking my arse!

    Don't be too hard on yourself, though. It is possible to be happy for your friends while being sad for yourself. Hopefully these feelings will pass as soon as AF has left the building.

  6. dude. I am totally still here with you.

    The complicated emotions about other people's BFP's will always be there. Sucks ass, right?


  7. It's a hard place to be. (((hug))) Sadly, you aren't alone. I enjoy reading your blog because it is raw and honest. Thanks for sharing.

  8. I know exactly what you mean. There is no way we'll get pregnant w/out using a donor. I cry whenever I hear about someone who adopted and then got pregnant naturally.

  9. I am new to the whole IF "scene". We'd only tried 9mo when we got the azoospermia diagnosis (likely congenital) and that was just earlier this cycle. I am pushing the cycle length that is normal (for me) and it's pretty awful knowing that there is no point in even hoping for a miracle.

    In the search for IF blogs to add to my feed reader, I have found so many writers who are new parents and have been discouraged

    but I guess I am proof that you are not alone.


  10. I'm sorry about AF. I think feeling bitter and jealous about pregnant women is pretty natural for us infertiles. It's not that we're not happy for them, we just wish it was us, right?

    You will be a mother, one way or another. And you will be a fabulous mother. :)

  11. Just wanted to let you know that I'm here...and have not forgotten.


  12. Ooh. Weird dream. Bitchy and hormonal- yeah. I'll be right there with you in just a few days...

    I don't know. It seems no matter how infertility affects you, that the grass is greener elsewhere. That sliver of hope that gets dashed every month just fucking kills me. It really is part of the reason that I started taking the pill again, because even though it's totally unlikely, my brain tricks itself every single month- it *could* happen... it *might* happen... is it happening??? HA, HA. FUCK NO! TRICKED YOU AGAIN! So yeah. I chemically alter myself to be out of that state because I cannot fucking take it anymore. I mean, I like to say that I take the pill because I'm back in school, which is true, but I'm only back in school because my tidy plan of only working here until I got knocked up has been totally dashed, so I need to focus on something else, like school.

    Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that I can't relate to your exact scenario, but I can definitely relate to the ways that infertility has left me mentally fucked. And I can relate to feeling like everyone else has the resources (mental, financial, etc.) to go forward, while I sabotage potential pregnancy by forcing myself down a path that requires being childfree for quite a bit longer.

    Feh. Suck. Fuck it all. It all fucking sucks.

  13. I'm sorry you are blue Io, but if it makes you feel any better, I'm not pregnant either and won't be anytime soon! At least you and I get to enjoy margaritas and cold beer all summer long!

  14. Oh sweetie, I know exactly how you feel. I was beyond bitter. Really (ironically) I *still* am! I still walk around Target and glare at the pregnant women who I imagine got pregnat on their first try with no help and are having zero complications. Once an IF, always and IF I guess. Hang in there hun, I know how hard it is. HUGE ((hugs))

  15. Does it make you feel any better to know that the state of the nation report from my gitch seems to be saying that I'm going to have to wait another month?

    No? Well, I tried. Or my ute is trying is maybe more accurate.

    I know this sucks. It's so hard to feel like we're being bitchy when we're in the midst of those complicated feelings. But nobody is saintly and generous and empathetic all the time, right? We're more than entitled to feel bitter and bitchy and angry about everything we're going through. The trick is not to stay in that place forever. But I have the utmost faith in you that you will not stay there forever, no matter how soon or how long it is until you get your baby.

    Bitchy menstruating Io only comes around once a month, right? The rest of the time you are rainbows and butterflies and marshmallows and loopy handwriting with the "i"s dotted with little hearts. Plus a lot of coolness.

  16. Oh, my, do I feel you here. Being happy for people doesn't stop the jealousy!

    I'm having an especially hard time with NaComLeavMo. The normal Stirrup Queen blogroll is sorted by topic, so you can avoid the pregnancy/parenting blogs if you're not strong. But with NaComLeavMo, you're kind of at the mercy of randomness! I so visibly flinch at baby blogs that I'm afraid that the author can see me and is calling me a bitch.


  17. Here from NaComLeavMo. I battled IF for 8 years with 4 losses before I finally had some success. It's a terrible road to hoe, and I'm so sorry you are going through it. There's nothing anyone can say, other than "Here, take my baby" that might make you feel better about the entire situation. But know that people out there care and understand. Even if they are parents!

  18. I wish I didn't understand or couldn't relate, but I'm a selfish brat. I finally made an infertile IRL friend - it was great! And then within a month - A MONTH - of hooking up she got knocked up. Worse than that she became Smug Pregnant Woman and completely forgot what it was like. So yeah, I get it.

  19. haha. I like Manda's comment!

    I found out today that I'm waiting out this cycle, so I had a few beers. Beers will make you feel better. Have some beers. :)

    I hate that. I hate having fucked up dreams and then wondering what they meant all day.

    The neighbor across the street brought her new baby home last week. We had just recently realized that she was pregnant, she was so tiny. They already have two beautiful little girls, not that they don't deserve another, but still. My husband so badly wants to get me pregnant, just to say HA! We can do that too! Look at us! How 'effed up is that?

  20. here from NCLM....isn't dreaming about blogging just weird? It makes me laugh everytime it happens...that said, I'm sorry your blogroll got knocked up and you're not. I've been there, that's for sure.

  21. Hey, I got gosh awful menstrual cramps too . . . the Lupron wore off about 3 weeks too early.

    Just a dream - that's all it is, just a dream and not a reflection of you. If our dreams were really us - I'd be ten feet tall with a red cape and blond hair to my butt and a bank robber and a gymnast and . . . ;0)

    I wish you better days.


  22. brains (dreams) are just crazy like that.

    sometimes they are stupid and crazy and have no meaning.

    sometimes they do have meaning.

    (I had a preminition dream once though....very creepy).

  23. by the way...I also have the jealous/anger/pity/disgust feelings towards others who do get the BFP. I know it's wrong...but I still feel that way (not in my heart...truly I'm happy for all of them...but in my gut - i'm feeling all the jealousy/anger/disgust/pity/etc...).

    There are now 4, count 'em, 4 preggers with their cute little bellies at my work...and I like all of them. They are my coworkers but they are all also awesome women. Bitches....I can't even hate them!

    seriously, I understand that feeling of happiness and non-happiness at the same time. sucks.

  24. I hear ya babe. I am not exactly where you are right now- I get the privelage of that poushy insistent little houseguest every month, but more of my blogroll is pregnant than not now. My fucked-up-ness with it is that every time I se a new BFP announcement I am ~sure~ that it means that month won't work for me. this is especially true the closer & more personal the relationship is. If someone IRL announces it I am sure I'm out for months. If it's a coworker I can count myself out for the duration of their pregnancy. The most fucked up thing of all is they always seem to come true.
    Yes- we are happy for our fellow IF'ers pregnancies- they honestly bother me far less than the crackhead oops'. but they still sting- thee's always going to be that unfair- why the fuck not us?' thing.
    I hope it changes soon. for both of us. Because it really does suck. sucks big hairy monkey balls.

  25. Just goes to show how much IF fucks with your brain, doesn't it?

    Being left behind sucks, but I am sure it won't be forever for you. I am sure I sound like a condescending asshole saying that, but please know I don't mean it in that way at all.

  26. I am right there with you babe!!! Scream, cry, rage...whatever makes you feel better...I won't tell you to be happy anyway, or it will happen or move on with your life...I hate all that sick of hearing...have a great crappy day!!! Eat a carton of icecream, be miserable and enjoy it!

  27. Thanks for the sweet comment, Io. I'm doing a lot better today - I yelled at Manny last night. Hardly surprising, given the circumstances, but it was actually the first time I'd ever done that!
    It felt really good, and I was able to forgive him after he apologized.

    And I didn't really want to be the bitch who got pregnant on the first try anyway!

  28. Yeah we're moving to Broad Ripple. You know all of those people pushing baby strollers down the streets in BR? They walk right by my house also. Fun stuff.

    As for your post, I bought a pomegranate bracelet. I plan on wearing it proudly, belly or no belly. I want people to know nothing worth having comes easily.

  29. IF is the worst kind of mindfuck, and feelings of jealousy are completely normal, as is self-loathing for being jealous to begin with. I had many days of drowning in that stuff. One day I saw a woman in Au Bon Pain who was actually IN LABOR and talking on her cell phone, calling her family with the news as she picked up a sandwich. I didn't hate her, exactly, but I was like, why did I have to be there when she was there and hear that?

    The worst thing about it, I think, is that (like many other life situations) you live through it not knowing whether or when you will get to the other side. It's like, if you just knew that it would happen for you in a year or two or even five, you could just relax and enjoy life while you're waiting. Too bad those magic 8 balls aren't more accurate.