Friday, May 2, 2008

Four more days

I took off early from work today, so I have a couple hours before going to campaign. I am at home eating toast and listening to the rain pouring down. I believe this is true luxury.

A few random things:

As much as J kills me with what she was doing before she got pregnant, she really has made a turnaround and is trying to be the best mother she can. She wasn't supposed to go in for another ultrasound until Monday, but apparently they called her in early because they saw something with the nuchal fold or something. J was terrified that the baby was not ok and that it was her fault. She spent the evening sobbing and then she and her husband had to meet with a genetic counselor.
It turns out the baby is ok and they found out it's a girl. J brought a whole reel of ultrasound pictures with to work. She's at 20w3d. She is beautiful.
I feel guilty because I am so petty and jealous inside. I want so much to be happy for J. I want to honestly and completely embrace that she has turned her life around, that she has this beautiful daughter on the way but all I can do is die a little inside looking at the pictures. And even so, I exclaim over the gender. How fantastic! A little girl to kiss, to have tea parties with, to brush her hair and read stories to. Do you have names picked out, a color for the nursery?
I feel like a fraud.
Last night as A_ and I were falling asleep he mentioned that his brother T_ got checked for CBAVD.

I had told him he should get checked a few months ago and he said he didn't really want to know. I don't know what changed, but the news wasn't good.
T_ also has CBAVD (no vas deferens).

In the back of my mind, T_ was our fallback. If something didn't work with the surgery or if IVF doesn't work, I figured we could consider asking T_ to donate to us. He's looks a lot like A_, just younger and thinner. Lots of people who know A_ get confused seeing him for the first time, thinking maybe A_ has lost weight or something. Now, that option is out - if IVF doesn't work, there will be no genetic connection.
I know that T_ isn't trying to have a family right now (I'm not even sure he and his girlfriend and still dating) but I know that someday he probably will and that makes me so sad for him.

I think it has A_ worried as well, that this means he will be passing it on to our children. I don't know if it does.


  1. I'm sure you know this, but it's always nice to hear.... you are entitled to your feelings no matter what they are. The pain of IF is something that a lot of people will just never get - you can be happy for your friend and a little jealous, and it does not make you a fraud - just human.

    I hope can continue to enjoy your toast and chill a little longer.

  2. I'm sorry about A_'s brother. I can see why it would be difficult for you and A_, since that was, at least in the back of your head, your plan B.

    And yeah, I have known one or two people in the past who have been incredibly irresponsible and have gotten pg and have been users or drinkers. It's such a hard road to walk next to them when you know how messed up their actions have been. But at the same time, we have to believe in redemption, and we have to believe that the human spirit is responsive to the larger need to care for those that are dependent on us, and I think that your friend, J, is an example of that. It doesn't make it any easier to walk that path with her, but I do feel good knowing that she has you and that means that she has someone who truly appreciates how precious her situation is.

    And good for you, taking some time to relax. Sounds divine...

  3. One of the things I resent most about IF is how it warps me from the person I want to be, robs me of feelings of happiness for others that normally I would have. As if the pain of going through it is not enough, it feels like it makes us, in some instances, less on many other levels than just the physical one. Please don't be hard on yourself; you have to feel what you feel. It's only human.

  4. Oh, sweet Io. Please don't be so hard on yourself. IF is incredibly hard and the pain you feel for yourself won't be cancelled out by the love and happiness you have for your friend. Both feelings can coexist without conflicting with each other. It's just that your pain is so close to the surface right now. The fact that you're still able to ooh and ahh over her sonogram pictures is, to me, amazing.

    You're so much stronger than you know, truly. There is absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about.

  5. I am sorry about A_'s brother, that is one that just sucks all the way around.

    I had a similar experience with a friend when we first started trying. My friend found out she was pregnant the day after a company party where she got hammered. She did turn around & is a great mom, but every time I see her or her daughter there is a sting and a little sob in my heart. I am happy for her, but it is a reminder of what I still don't have. Which also really sucks all around.
    There is nothing fair about IF, it seems to pick the best people to fuck with the most.

  6. You are absolutely deserving of just feeling your feelings about J and her baby. It is just hard being around anybody and all their excitement about a baby when we want one so badly. Until we get our golden ticket, we will always have some sadness mixed in there. I know it was that way with both my sisters having babies in the last 7 months - until I got to develop my own relationship with those babies, I had a lot of sadness that it wasn't my turn yet. So don't beat yourself up.

    And that is very tough news about A_'s brother. It sounds like it has raised a whole bunch of issues for both of you. Hope you can both be gentle with yourselves and each other as you sort out what this means for you.

    Enjoy the toast and the sound of the rain. It's almost over! Soon we get to have you back!!!

  7. Hey, I saw two pregnant women today, all chatting away, BOTH with strollers (avec toddlers) in tow. Fertile bitches, were my exact words. I only felt a tad guilty.

    You feel what you feel. I think coveting what you don't have is pretty normal.

  8. It's ok to have feelings of jealousy etc, but please try to lose the guilt - you just don't need it.

    I'm glad J has pulled herself together.

    I'm sorry to hear about T. Both for T himself and for what it could potentially mean for you.

  9. Oh, how that reasonates. I have felt petty and jealous so many times. Atleast (unlike me) you were able to fake it and she didn't know your feelings.

  10. I know how that jealousy feels. I work with a couple of pregnant women, and the fuss that is made over them really makes me feel empty. I feel like I will never get that chance to experience pregnancy. It can make it really hard to fake happiness for someone else.

    We also have male factor IF, and Hubby is having a heard time dealing with it. At the moment, we are doing nothing. I am trying to give Hubby time to come to terms with it. I am hoping we will pursue something by the end of the year.

  11. Oh those feelings of wanting to be genuinely happy while your heart is breaking, it's too familiar.

    Sorry to hear about A's brother and the loss of plan B. That just really sucks.

    I'm happy to hear that the light is shining brightly at the end of your tunnel - regarding the campaign. I hope you get to take some time for yourself. I love being super busy and when there is the lure of a campaign, oh I'm giddy just thinking about it. I appreciate your commitment to your cause - for sure.

  12. So sorry about your BIL's bad news. =( It's never easy to hear that you are not going to be able to have a baby the "old fashioned way".