Alright people, I am done being pathetic. (Stop laughing...I mean for right NOW. As in this very moment. I may go back to pathetic tomorrow. Or in five minutes.)
One week of feeling sorry for myself is about the limit to how long I can go before I start to grate on my own nerves.
Neither my heart nor my uterus was ripped out.
When my husband is not working he makes delicious cake for me to eat.
So many of you incredible women wrote me sweet emails to let me know you were thinking about me. I'm sorry I didn't write back (except to the amazing Kate who got a lovely drunken reply since I got her email after drinking an entire bottle of $1.50 wine) but every time I got an email I'd get weepy and my fingers would feel like lead and I couldn't respond. I just couldn't. But please know that it meant a lot to me. (And dear god, baby chase - thank you so much for your words and the pink rose - you made me sob at work. Thank g*d my boss was in Alaska.)
A_ is doing ok. He probably doesn't want to me talking about his mental state to my online people so I won't. He's got a few leads that will hopefully turn into jobs, though he won't find anything as well paying as the one he just lost. He's also got to start studying again and I know he hates that. He was only a few points off on the b*r, close enough to appeal, but from what I understand, appeals rarely go through and take a lot of time. Blah. Basically he's got all the crappy fuck-I-failed-the-bar-and-lost-my-job stuff going on that you can probably imagine. I imagine many recent grads are in the same basic place of looking for a job, but it seems different because he is thirty five years old and also because he HAD a teaching job that he only quit because he had gotten the job he just lost. So if he had never gotten that job, he would still have his old job, with benefits and shit.
I am keeping my job, unless at some point a couple months down the road it is still a horrible terrible no good very bad situation. A friend of mine whose office I used to work out of did mention that he would like to recommend me to a few people. (I used to do voice coaching. Not singing, I'm practically tone deaf - gender voice coaching for trans gendered women.) So I might see about doing that on the side again.
I just feel kind of tired right now and it's hard to work up any sort of drive to do anything that involves work.
(Ok, stop it Io. Veering towards pathetic.)
As much as the whole no job, gotta take the bar again, shit A_ has prescription med costs out the wazoo so we really need insurance thing is, what really makes me all weepy is the fact that we were halfway to IVF. I was seriously thinking that maybe September would be a great month. And now that is so not going to happen, no matter how many coupons I clip. (Although, I did manage to work it so I got PAID 50 cents to buy a box of cereal. Chocolate h*ney bunches of oats. They might taste like ass. I will let you know.)
Sooo...I need to figure out what to do with myself in the time between now and [big looming question mark] when we will be rolling in money enough to afford IVF (not to mention that ultimate end goal of a baby, as I hear those suckers are somewhat pricey). I have a few thoughts:
1. Stop eating all the delicious cake my husband makes me.
2. Clean my house.
3. Work out more.
4. Go to law school with Kate, although that would involve money and several years of my life.
5. Start writing again. My stupid half-begun novel has not been worked on in over a year. Methinks I need a new plot.
6. Maybe this is bizarre, but I keep thinking about donating my eggs. Not as a shared cycle. Not to get money. But just because I have them and lord knows I won't be using them for a while. And hey, I would know half of what to expect when it got to be my turn!
7. Finally call the guy whose yoga classes I won in that silent auction. I wonder if there is an expiration date on the certificates...
8. Become an ebayer. The garage sale season has started again and I got every Saturday with my mother. I don't know if you can understand how serious this is in my family. We are professionals. My mother has rules and every one of my friends who has ever been allowed to come with can recite them like they are responding to a drill sergeant. My friends give me lists of things they want me to buy for them at the beginning of the season. I should start putting all this hard work to good use by reselling things I get at garage sales.
9. Write another post tomorrow so I can hit 100!
OK, I am running out of things. Please let me know what else I should do. I mean, I know I need to live my life and life can't just be about waiting and blah blah fuckity blah, but I still want some ideas. No skydiving is all I ask. That shit is too scary for me.
Oh and this seems perhaps a little awkward, but I just have to say - I love each and every one of you. Even the lurkers. You have as a whole been better support than my real life friends. (One of whom had the nerve to delicately interrupt my pity party this week by saying "Don't take this the wrong way, but don't forget about adoption." Insert standard snarling responses involving "Holy shit! I *had* forgotten that adoption exists!" and "Well, bitch, in case you didn't know, that shit costs money too and right now you are supposed to be comforting me with alcohol because my husband lost his job so shutthefuckup" here.)
So I am not going to stop posting or commenting, though I may not be terribly involved in actively getting knocked up. Please let me know if I get too bitter.
Kisses and hugs,