Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I am not dead, just in case you were worried

Alright people, I am done being pathetic. (Stop laughing...I mean for right NOW. As in this very moment. I may go back to pathetic tomorrow. Or in five minutes.)

One week of feeling sorry for myself is about the limit to how long I can go before I start to grate on my own nerves.
Nobody died.
Neither my heart nor my uterus was ripped out.
When my husband is not working he makes delicious cake for me to eat.

So many of you incredible women wrote me sweet emails to let me know you were thinking about me. I'm sorry I didn't write back (except to the amazing Kate who got a lovely drunken reply since I got her email after drinking an entire bottle of $1.50 wine) but every time I got an email I'd get weepy and my fingers would feel like lead and I couldn't respond. I just couldn't. But please know that it meant a lot to me. (And dear god, baby chase - thank you so much for your words and the pink rose - you made me sob at work. Thank g*d my boss was in Alaska.)

A_ is doing ok. He probably doesn't want to me talking about his mental state to my online people so I won't. He's got a few leads that will hopefully turn into jobs, though he won't find anything as well paying as the one he just lost. He's also got to start studying again and I know he hates that. He was only a few points off on the b*r, close enough to appeal, but from what I understand, appeals rarely go through and take a lot of time. Blah. Basically he's got all the crappy fuck-I-failed-the-bar-and-lost-my-job stuff going on that you can probably imagine. I imagine many recent grads are in the same basic place of looking for a job, but it seems different because he is thirty five years old and also because he HAD a teaching job that he only quit because he had gotten the job he just lost. So if he had never gotten that job, he would still have his old job, with benefits and shit.

I am keeping my job, unless at some point a couple months down the road it is still a horrible terrible no good very bad situation. A friend of mine whose office I used to work out of did mention that he would like to recommend me to a few people. (I used to do voice coaching. Not singing, I'm practically tone deaf - gender voice coaching for trans gendered women.) So I might see about doing that on the side again.

I just feel kind of tired right now and it's hard to work up any sort of drive to do anything that involves work.

(Ok, stop it Io. Veering towards pathetic.)

As much as the whole no job, gotta take the bar again, shit A_ has prescription med costs out the wazoo so we really need insurance thing is, what really makes me all weepy is the fact that we were halfway to IVF. I was seriously thinking that maybe September would be a great month. And now that is so not going to happen, no matter how many coupons I clip. (Although, I did manage to work it so I got PAID 50 cents to buy a box of cereal. Chocolate h*ney bunches of oats. They might taste like ass. I will let you know.)

Sooo...I need to figure out what to do with myself in the time between now and [big looming question mark] when we will be rolling in money enough to afford IVF (not to mention that ultimate end goal of a baby, as I hear those suckers are somewhat pricey). I have a few thoughts:

1. Stop eating all the delicious cake my husband makes me.
2. Clean my house.
3. Work out more.
4. Go to law school with Kate, although that would involve money and several years of my life.
5. Start writing again. My stupid half-begun novel has not been worked on in over a year. Methinks I need a new plot.
6. Maybe this is bizarre, but I keep thinking about donating my eggs. Not as a shared cycle. Not to get money. But just because I have them and lord knows I won't be using them for a while. And hey, I would know half of what to expect when it got to be my turn!
7. Finally call the guy whose yoga classes I won in that silent auction. I wonder if there is an expiration date on the certificates...
8. Become an ebayer. The garage sale season has started again and I got every Saturday with my mother. I don't know if you can understand how serious this is in my family. We are professionals. My mother has rules and every one of my friends who has ever been allowed to come with can recite them like they are responding to a drill sergeant. My friends give me lists of things they want me to buy for them at the beginning of the season. I should start putting all this hard work to good use by reselling things I get at garage sales.
9. Write another post tomorrow so I can hit 100!
10. ...

OK, I am running out of things. Please let me know what else I should do. I mean, I know I need to live my life and life can't just be about waiting and blah blah fuckity blah, but I still want some ideas. No skydiving is all I ask. That shit is too scary for me.

Oh and this seems perhaps a little awkward, but I just have to say - I love each and every one of you. Even the lurkers. You have as a whole been better support than my real life friends. (One of whom had the nerve to delicately interrupt my pity party this week by saying "Don't take this the wrong way, but don't forget about adoption." Insert standard snarling responses involving "Holy shit! I *had* forgotten that adoption exists!" and "Well, bitch, in case you didn't know, that shit costs money too and right now you are supposed to be comforting me with alcohol because my husband lost his job so shutthefuckup" here.)

So I am not going to stop posting or commenting, though I may not be terribly involved in actively getting knocked up. Please let me know if I get too bitter.

Kisses and hugs,


  1. Aw, those in the blogosphere love you to. Glad you're bouncing back a little (wine does solve all).

  2. sending you peaceful thoughts, and mentally smacking the shit out of your friend that discovered what could POSSIBLY BE the most inopportune time to mention adoption. For that, I send you a virtual pom martini! (Tho, if I knew you IRL, I'd so be knocking on your door with a shaker, a bottle of goose, and a bottle of pom!)

    take care of you & A right now. The rest of the world can take care of itself.

  3. Yaaay! Io's BACK! Yes, darling, LAW SCHOOL, and tout suite.

    In the mean time, oh Master of Garage Sales, please teach me the way to the golden purchase! I've decided very suddenly to become a cheapskate, and that buying second-hand suits my environmental ethos, so I think that garage sale-ing is something I should try. You know, I've only been to estate sales- never garage sales. We used to have them when I was little, and I vaguely remember sitting in the car while my dad drove around to garage sales looking for random stuff. Anyway. Yes. Along with my clothesline, and my front yard full of homegrown veggies and my coupon-clipping husband, I am going to whip our economic situation into shape. Yep.

    And I totally didn't know that voice coaching existed. That's really cool. One of my very best friends is transitioning as we speak and I don't know why, but I never thought about the fact that one might coach a voice to aid as part of that process. Hmm. Interesting.

    I'm glad you're back, and I'm glad you seem to be in a better headspace. It seems like you have a really square perspective on things. I commend you. I'd probably still be losing it right now. Of course, I suppose that if I had homemade cake, I might be able to make it, though...

  4. I can't wait to see what happens in the next few days and weeks for you and A_ (and I don't mean that in a Truman Show
    kind of way).

    Hang in there and good luck!!

  5. Glad to see your post, Io. You've both been in my thoughts. Enjoy that wine and cake-one of the best combinations there is!

  6. I am so glad you are back. I enjoy your posts very much. I admire you positive attitude and everyone needs to recharge sometimes. Welcome back you were missed.

  7. YAY - You are back and we missed you and you werent forgotten and and and Ok, I have to breathe now. Just happy you are back!!!!

    PS - I'm still throwing out the wine offer to you but you'll have to email me your info or have Kate email it to me. Let me know.

  8. Hi! I just stumbled on your blog. My husband and I were in a similarly suck-tastic situation a few years ago - he finished law school and did well, but then took the bar exam and failed. He had no job, with student loans out the wazoo. I wasn't working either since I was finishing a master's degree. I had to drop out of the program and get a job when we were down to our last $1000 in our savings account with no job in sight for him.

    He did appeal the bar decision and PASSED on appeal, so it is not hopeless! And he did get a law job (a month after I dropped out of school to support us, but I'm not bitter at all *sarcasm*). It was a crap job, but it led to a slightly better job, and an even better one after that.

    Anyway, we still have loans out the wazoo, but somehow we survived 2003-2004, so I thought I would commiserate with you.

  9. Whoaaaa! You just went poof! I was concerned. I'm so glad you're back. I'd miss your sarcasm!

    My assistant has three beautiful boys. ALL year she has talked about adoption, while watching me go through treatments - and grimmicing about the invasiveness of it all. Like, adoption doesn't have it's own difficulties and costs? She means well, but geeeeez!

    Wishing A_ peace and stability... You guys will get through this.

  10. IO!!!! I missed you hon!
    I'm glad that your uteris didn't fall out- I was very concerned. ;o)

    Seriously- I am very glad that you are back, but also thatyou took time to wallow- wallowing is very very important. I'm sorry if A_ is having a tough time, but it's to be expected- I would honestly worry if you guys weren't having a hard time with this- not financially- because ~that~ shit blows big time. But $1.50 wine & a few punches on something soft (preferrably not your insensitive friends face though it may be tempting) and you will certainly feel a little better.

    You don't have to talk about ttc, or not in this case- but if you ever want to bitch about it- feel free. I for one feel like I have gotten to know you- much more than your IF struggles & I will come back for IO.

    Try too- it's free & you'll be surprised what you can sell on there- it's how we've made it through many a rough patch.

    Great big bear hugs are being sent via the webernet. {{{}}}

  11. I'm glad you're back. Hang in there, kid--this too, shall pass.

  12. Hello Darling. I am glad you're back. Please eat as much cake as you like (and maybe send some to Ohio? Thanks) just make sure you don't get too many crumbs in the keyboard.

    I'm hoping for good things for you both really soon - damn it, you deserve it!

  13. Also...can I have your email address? Or would you email me (email addy in my blogger profile)?

    I have something to mention to you...(no, I'm not going to tell you to adopt, I promise)

  14. glad to see you re-surface. still just sorry you all have to deal with this now.

    I really like the garage sale- to-ebay idea. you could make some serious bucks if you're as good as you say... all you need is some good pix and an account and you could be in business. another thing is other people hate selling crap on ebay and PAY people to do it for a percentage. could be a nice side business, if you're doing it, already.

    oh and I especially like thew response to your IRL friends. hope hub finds something soon but nothing to stressful so he can crack those big-ass books again. ugh.

  15. I'm so glad to hear from have been in my thoughts frequently.

    I think all of your ideas of things to do next sound wonderful. You can make a lot of money selling stuff on ebay, and by the sounds of it, you are quite the bargain shopper...

    I know a girl that donated her eggs to 3 different couples, and then went on to do IVF herself due to PCOS. She's currently pregnant. What a wonderful gift to give someone. And honestly, you can make money at it, too, and that can help fund your own IVF down the road.


  16. Woo-hoo!!! So happy you're back! I don't know how else to say this, but I seriously MISSED you! Just knowing you were out there feeling blah ... and not being able to give you a virtual hug was unbearable!

    (uh, how many more exclamation points can I put on this comment?! Oops there's one more! And another ... okay, I'll stop.)

    As for your 100th post ... I personally think it should be about just how tasty the Choco Hunny Bunches of Oats tastes like ...

    Seriously. Glad you're back.

  17. Io's back! Io's back!! I'm so glad you're back, missy.

    I love your list of summer projects. Focusing on being productive really does help to ease the sting of the IF stuff.

    The only thing I would add is to find something fun and free or relatively free that you can do to enjoy the season. Put the camera to good use, take daily walks with Charlie, have friends over for a potluck. Get outside and take advantage of the weather.

    Big hugs to you.

  18. OMG, how awful. I'm so sorry things are so difficult for you right now. Hopefully one of A's job prospects pans out.

  19. You can't just drop a hint that there are these militant rules to garage-saleing without TELLING US WHAT THEY ARE??? I never even knew there were rules!!!

    I think doing the garage sale/estate sale/ebay/craigslist thing sounds like a fun way to blow off steam and maybe pick up some spare cash.

    And if you are thinking about donating your eggs, it really doesn't seem like a bad way to pull up some money as well. Also, not only will you then know what it's like when you get to it for your own baby, you'll know how your body responds. If you really want to improve your chances on the first round of IVF, it's best to know what protocol is best for you. Trial and error should take care of that.

    Of course, there's the emotional toll that donating your eggs might take. I don't know. While I once thought I could never do that -- essentially have someone else raise my genetic child -- living with infertility has really changed my mind about that sort of thing. Anyway, it's an interesting idea.

  20. Glad you are back Io. It will get better. In the meantime we will gladly hear you vent.

    How tall are you? Do you want to be my egg donor?

  21. It's wonderful to hear from you again! I've been thinking about you and A_ and wondering how you've been doing. I'm happy to hear that he's found some leads. I hope this gets a bit easier every day. You really have a great attitude. In the mean time, enjoy the homemade cake... yum!

  22. Glad you're back. I just wanted to let you know that my partner was laid off from work right when we were gearing up to do our first IVF. It totally sucked, but eventually he got another job, and things worked out for the best. Honestly, if your husband's employer was willing to turn on him that quickly, it's better to find that out now rather than later. I wish him the best of luck in finding a better job where he is truly valued and appreciated.

  23. I'm sorry about your husband's job. D.'s work as a consultant is not very stable and it certainly affected our family-building plans (once IF interfered).

    Do people not realize that adoption can be very expensive? Seriously.

  24. I'm so, so glad to hear from you, Io!

    Hey, soon I'll have my own wheels and license and so I'd like to add to your list: go on a walk (note WALK not RUN :) ) with your wacky hippy buddy from down south. I'll bring the chocolate.

    I don't know A_, but my thoughts are so with him as he tackles this tough-ass time. And with you, of course.

  25. It's good to have you back!

  26. Last week, I felt numb when I thought we lost you, that maybe we wouldn't hear from you again. I am amazed at how following your saga has made me feel over the last months. And it is weird...but I love you too and understand what this blog world does mean. Let's become bitter non-currently TTC women together! And number 11 on your list should be to not stop blogging. It made me almost want to cry when I thought about it. We need you.

  27. I am so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. The bar is really tough and I'm sure A is feeling terrible right now.

    Please let us know what, if anything, we can do to help. There are so many people who care about you and want to see you happy.

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