Sunday, June 8, 2008

A few small things in one loooong post

I will probably never tell my father about our IF. Although I love him and he loves me, we are not the same. He is very Catholic. I mean, I'm *kind of* Catholic. At least I feel guilty a lot, even if my church attendance is spotty.
But my father is very Catholic. Like the postal service of believers, nothing will keep him from going to mass. He's missed only three Sundays of church in his life, each time because he was in the hospital. He has several church groups that meet each week, he volunteers for the St. V*ncent de Paul regularly, he tithes unfailingly. He's also very committed to the pro-life movement. Which, you know, is fine. But he's hard core. He has the freaking license plate. (I gave him a nice Cardinals frame that juuuuust happens to cover up the words "ch**se life.")
And I have to respect that he is so steadfast- he is a true believer and I know it hurts him. I think things are not so clear cut and while I may never choose abortion for myself, I don't believe I am in a position to dictate or judge what is right for others.
Of course because my father is so hardcore Catholic, IVF is a big no-no. It makes me sad I won't be able to lean on him for support in this. My mother understands this and has agreed to not say anything to him. (She also votes for Ds to cancel out his Republ*can vote - by the way, I was shocked to find out some of my readers are Republ*cans! I will eye you both suspiciously, but continue to love and support you...)

But despite not always understanding my dad or agreeing with him, I love him. He turned 68 today so we went over to have dinner. We had a nice dinner and walked around mom's yard. He and A picked bad cherries off the cherry tree and mom gave me a few more plants. (French tarragon is quite amazing - tastes nothing like the crappy dried stuff you can buy. And if you're getting the plant, take a taste and don't buy the Russian stuff they usually sell - it has no flavor.)

I also made a delicious cake for dessert. It's white cake that I poked holes in and poured coconut milk and sweetened condensed milk into. Then I chilled it for several hours. I made whipped cream, toasted coconut and put it all on the chilled cake. Stupid delicious and moist.


Earlier this weekend we had some friends get married. A was the best man and had to wear a horrible tuxedo. All the groomsmen and ushers made jokes about the tuxes at one point or another. The fabric did not breathe and they all looked slightly ill-fitting. Strangely, it was not a cheap rental though. It looks much better in this picture than it did in real life:
Trust me though, the only person who looked good in his tux was the ring bearer and even he had to let it out a bit to get comfortable:
There were quite a few babies and small children at the wedding. It was like an IFers smorgasbord - jealousy, guilt and love all together.

1. The fertile you hate.
A's college girlfriend M is also a friend of the bride and groom. A and M were together for a couple years in college and he moved to her town several years after that and they gave it another go. They remained friends. When A and I got together, I have heard from mutual friends, that she did not care for me. She was apparently miffed that she was not invited to our (very small close friends and family no people either of us had slept with) wedding. She has always been very cold to me. Bitch. (Granted, I have never gone terribly out of my way to become close friends with her either.) Anyways, it has always been awkward between us. She had a baby a few years ago, followed very shortly after by twins. So it was *delightful* seeing her and one of her sons at the wedding.

2. The fertile you avoid and feel terrible about.
Another friend at the wedding is somebody I haven't seen in months. It's partially because she started a new job and I've been busy. What we originally met through, neither of us are involved in anymore. But part of the reason I have avoided her is that she had a baby in December. A whoops-forgot-to-take-my-pill baby. A beautiful gorgeous perfect baby. I was there for the birth and it was at once heartlifting and heartwrenching.
When I saw her I found out she's been diagnosed with Lupus. It's been hard on her and selfish Io hasn't had time for her. What a jerk I am.

3. The other IFer you want to hug. (loss ment.)
It was very good to see friends who had come into town with their son. They went through a lot to get pregnant and finally got pregnant with twins. They were born early and one of the boys passed away. Gah. OK, can't type much about this because it makes me so sad. I'm not terribly close to this couple so I didn't know what exactly to say. I hadn't seen them since they were pregnant. I caught myself thinking that I wish they blogged. Then I would be able to do a better job of offering support and not sounding like a fertile idiot.
Their son is simply amazing. He looks like an angel and is incredibly friendly. He reached out to me several times and when I took him, he'd point where he wanted me to take him. There were big pink poofs hanging from the ceiling and he wanted to grab them.


To finish off this post, I have a meme to do. I have been tagged by DC *and* Pepper! So I better do it.

This meme was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure. Apparently, Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were, “For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn.” The book is a compilation of similar 6 word stories. This meme challenges us to do the same:
1. Write your own six word memoir.
2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.
3. Link to the person who tagged you
4. Tag 5 more bloggers
5. Don’t forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.

My memoir: She's completely unsure but always correct.

(No, I know I'm not always correct. But I sure am good at acting like I am in my everyday life.)

I gotta tag five people?? Let's see:
She has got some of the most randomly fantastic stories.
She's so prolifically prosaic ( I mean this in the best way)- can she do only six words?
She moved so she's not invite only anymore! Go check her new site out!
Schools almost out, so I figure she needed a writing assignment.
Taking cool pics lately. I need to visit her and drink in her backyard.

Of course if any of you have already been tagged, hate memes, hate me, feel free not to do this. Or if you were anxiously scanning for your name, feel free to do it. I like you too.
Even the Republicans.


  1. That cake looks soooo yummy. Coconut cream pie is my favorite and I'd never even considered making it at home. Hmmm.

    I agree; the tux is fairly hideous. Oh, and the ex-GF sounds kind of hideous too.

    I'm really sorry about your friend who was diagnosed with lupus. If she needs to talk to someone, please send her my way. :)

  2. Cake looks de-lish, my mouth was watering while I was reading your post.

    Why, seriously, WHY do tuxedos have to be made of that cheap a$$ fabric that does not breathe and then in the most horrible colors. I don't get it. The ex sounds like a nightmare, sorry you had to go through that.

    I had some Catholic family member struggle with our infertility med choices and we werent doing IVF but in thier eyes we were toying with God's Plan. Their advice- Just relax..... URGHHHHHHHHH.

    Hope your week is great :-)

  3. Ok you so need to post that cake recipe!

    I love your break down of wedding ivf characters!

  4. that cake does look divine!

    i already did the mem, but thanks for tagging me anyway. and i must confess- those pics were at my friends house- i have no back yard at all... just a driveway & a little patch of front yard...

    but you can still come hang out- i'm sure mt friend will make yummy margaritas for us!

  5. Let's see...what to comment on first?

    1) made a similar cake...loved it. But mine was chocolate, with condensed milk poured all over. On top I frosted with cool whip (over caramel) and crushed Heath bars. Yum.
    2) I'm glad you still like me, even though I'm a Republican.
    3) I was not happy to find out we had people at our wedding that we (and by "we" I mean, my husband) had slept with in the past (ex's that are now friends...), so I can totally understand you not inviting her.
    4) My grandma is a DEVOUT Catholic, yet she has been very accepting (supportive, actually) of our attempts at IVF. Are you sure your dad would be so disapproving? I'm sure you know him better than me...but food for thought.


  6. I happend to have very similar feelings about the pro-life/choice thing. Sweetness can't understand how I can be pro-choice because I don't think I can tell someone else what they can and cannot do w/their body. On the other hand I would never in a million years have an abortion and yes I'm a dem.

    The fertile I hate to hate? Someone who has major health problems so she really SHOULD have problems conceiving, but she gets pregnant right away.

  7. Hey. When's the party to deflate the fertile ex's minivan tires? I am sooo there!

    Love the memoir. :-)

  8. I will get to the meme soon.

    I understand a bit of your relationship with your father. My mom is hyper-involved in her church, and I just haven't found any sort of faith that speaks to me like it does to her. She (likes to think that she) is ultra-liberal, but has some very specific ideas about the rightness or wrongness of certain things as they relate to religion (like gay marriage- but that's a whole separate story that involved the concept that marriage was a sanctified state for the purpose of creating children and family... so where does that leave infertile me who may never have children? Feh. Whatever.).

    And sucky with the people at the wedding. H has an ex who he dated for 4 or so years before he and I hooked up. She ended up being diagnosed schizophrenic, and so she still writes letters to H every so often. Because of her delicate state, apparently she still doesn't know that he and I are married, and barely knows that I exist. And if I had to see her at a wedding, I'd probably get all territorial and shitty, even though she's not right-minded, etc. Stupid Kate.

    And I had an IF-kicked-in-the-gut moment this past friday that I might write about on my blog (one of H's co-workers is knocked up... again. Her other child is just about to turn a year old... and she's 40). So yeah. Right there with you.

    Okay. I'm now officially off to write my own blog. I'll totally get to the tag as soon as possible!

  9. Oh man, it was too hot for a wedding on Saturday. A must have been roasting in that tux! Yikes on the snotty ex. However I will admit to having one ex/now friend at our wedding....and then 6 months later we went to his wedding and even sat at the table with his parents and siblings (i considered it a seat of honor). My husband just finally asked me a month ago if I had slept with him. Um yeah, sorry. My husband actually said it was okay because he was a nice guy and he likes him. haha. Sorry, I'm going on and on about me when this comment should be about you!

    Yes please post the cake recipe - dang that looks good!

  10. I think my brain overloaded reading that jam-packed post! I love your meme!

  11. Hee-bad tuxes! My brother-in-law is getting married this summer and I have heard the tuxes are a HORROR! I can't wait to see them in person! (Think 1990's hot pink vests, ties, and cummerbunds! Woo-hoo!)

    As for the infertility smorgasboard, I'm sorry. Yeech. My work has been a font of fertility this year and it's not been fun.

    And, ooh, the six-word memoir. This is going to be a tough one. I'll be working on my homework this evening, I promise!

  12. Awesome cake. I have trouble talking to my dad about IF also. My mom knows everything, but I don't say things in front of my dad. It's just "weird" talking about IUI, fertility drugs, etc. He would be ok with it, but I don't want to explain things. He still considers me a kid even though I just turned 28. I'm sure your dad will be overwhelmed when he does get a grandbaby from you that he won't care at all how it got there in the first place. Maybe it will help open his mind a little bit. You should tell him after the fact, while he's holding the new baby, "Isn't it amazing how science helped create him?"

    PS those tuxes are supa ugly. WTF is wrong with brides these days?

  13. It may be possible that your blog is making me fat. I am now craving coconut and elephant ears at the same time.

    I love the way you described the people you run into. There is so much truth in this post!

  14. The cake looks great.

    The wedding sounds interesting, I bet it was weird seeing your husband's ex.

  15. Hey, I forgot to say good job on the meme. Love it!

    Oh, and I just finished drowning my sorrows in a package of chocolate chip cookie dough. Much better now. :)

  16. Yum, the cake looks wonderful! my in-laws are very Catholic and although they didn't quite agree with IVF, they still found a way to support us. I was really moved by this. I think it is hard to say what you would do or not do until you are faced with a situation and they knew that they had no trouble filling their house with seven kids in 13 years. NCLM

  17. Can I just tell you how freakin good tha cake looks/sounds!? Mmmm...

    And I agree as well, what a strange choice for tuxes! Ugh.

  18. I wonder if your father would be more open to IVF if he knew about your IF problems. Sometimes opinions can change when the issue becomes more personal.
    My family is ultra-Catholic (go to church every day type folks) and they wouldn't suggest doing IVF, but they wouldn't disown me either.

  19. Hey, I found Cherry 7-Up! I didn't love it, though.

    Wait until you see the french tarragon grow. I planted one dinky little 4 inch pot a few years ago, and now it's a giant bush. Which is awesome, because it's yummy. Dice it, mix with goat cheese, and stuff under the skin of chicken breasts with the bone in, then roast. Love it.

  20. 1. Your Dad and my Mom have lots in common. I still get phone calls from Right.2.Life because she decided that since I was infertile, I would totally be pro-life. Grrr ...

    2. Yummy cake. Can you make me one? :-P

    3. Ack on other wedding guests you do/don't wanna see. But I found it rather funny that I think the same thing as you ... wishing that certain people could blog so I could "comfortably" give them love and support. Whew ... thought I was the only one!

    4. Looove your memoir!!

  21. I can't tell my mom about my IF, either. She knows I'm having trouble, and that I'm in treatment, but I won't tell her any of the details, even that I'm doing IVF. She's pretty unstable, and I never know when she's going to turn on me and use sensitive information to hurt me. And it totally sucks to not be able to lean on her. So I understand how hard that must be for you and your dad.

  22. I just found your blog and what caught my attention was the Catholic Church.

    About me: I work for a small Catholic School attached to an ultra-conservative Church were there are several families of 6+ children. Now I am not against large families at all, my dad was 1 of 9 and I love having that many cousins. However, I was raised in a Catholic family, and even though my parents and sister are pro-life, I benefit from the fact that my parents never believed in the overwhelming notion that you should have lots of children to be a good Catholic. I have not said a word to them about our struggle nor do they know about my blog. I probably will keep it that way for a while.

    The second part, I work for a Catholic School. I get asked constantly by parents and some teachers, "So when are you and DH going to have children?" or "Are you pregnant yet?" My favorite by far, a 4th grader saying to me, "My mom said the reason that you are off and making this many mistakes is because you are pregnant." I am surprised I held back the tears at that point.

    However, what I benefit from is that four of my fellow teachers/administrators and their DH's have struggled with IF. I have said things to them such as, "trying and it is not happening." or "I don't understand why we cannot have just one." One of my coworkers figured it out and wrote me a wonderful email and she became the first person I shared our struggle.

  23. What a great post...I always love these rambling posts. They say so much about the author.