Saturday, June 21, 2008

Let me eat cake

I don't think anyone has ever managed to snag a baby shower gift at Babies R fuckfuckfuckUs as fast as I did today. On my way to J's shower I ran in to pick up her gift. You know I doubt there is a *good* time to go to BRU, but 2pm on a Saturday is quite possibly one of the worst times.

My god.
It's like Shaun of the Dead, where they need to cross the street to the pub and there are hundreds of zombies walking around bumping into each other and they have to manage to get past them, only instead of zombies there were all these pregnant women clogging up the aisles and you couldn't get anywhere without having to skirt around the bump. Only Sean of the Dead was funny.

I grabbed the registry, kept my eyes to the ground, and shoved it into the hands of the first employee I saw. I jabbed my finger at the first thing I saw in my price range and said "this."

I think she might have been scared of me since I looked like the rainman, all cocked head and averted eyes. Regardless, she ran over to the wall, grabbed the item (baby bottles as it turned out, not that I could tell from the registry) and I speed walked over to the register. After I got there and was about to pay I realized I had forgotten to get a bag. I told the cashier to hold on and ran over to the bags, grabbed one and ran back.
Was I rude and holding up the line? I.don't.care.

I went in at 2:06. I was in the car drivig away at 2:13. That included printing the (ten fucking page) registry. That's right pregnant fertiles. I'd like to see you move so fast. Bitches.
(Pregnant infertiles, I love you and go ahead and take your time. You've earned it.)

I am glad I went to the shower even though it was painful (and would have been even if I was happily spitting out babies.) J's MIL was hosting and the vast majority of guests were her friends, most of whom J was meeting for the first time. That seemed weird to me, but then what do I know? I haven't ever had a baby shower. I was the only old friend of J's there, so I'm glad I showed up even though I didn't know anyone.
It was pretty typical - games, little tiny foods, (fancy fucking pink designer) cake. I won some soap as a prize in one of the games. I tried not to stab my eyeballs out while all the women laid their babies out in front of me and started cooing and then I really had to hold my fork hand down when women started telling their labor stories. As my left hand was starting to shake with the effort of keeping my fork-holding right hand down, I said my goodbyes and escaped.


FREEEEDOM!

33 comments:

  1. This is why I love the internet. Although it still sucks looking at all the cute things you can buy for someone else's baby, at least you don't have to deal with the bumps. I'm glad you made it through your shopping ordeal and the shower in one piece.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are such a brave, brave woman. I can't even walk by the outside of Babies-r-Us without shielding my eyes.

    And a shower, too... good lord. To be honest, the only one I've ever been to was when I was a newborn myself (I was adopted, and my mom's shower was after they brought me home). I do like the idea of cake -- but I think I would break out in hives being around that much bump worship.

    You totally earned a cake of your own, lady! And a bottle of vodka to wash it down...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I haven't been to a shower in over a year. I'm about to go to one next Monday, and the only reason I accepted is b/c the mom-to-be has been in the trenches-- 6 miscarriages in one year. I'm really happy for her that one stuck. Also, her registry isn't all splashed down with gender-specific color choices and $600 strollers.

    I refuse to darken the door of a BRU. That place is the 5th layer of hell.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Io, your genius MUST be rewarded with a cake and a bottle of hooch, as peesticks suggested above. I'm so glad you made it out alive, and also that everyone else there is still alive.

    Well done, you master of restraint.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You are such a good friend...well done on being there for J. I'm sure she appreciated it.

    I snorted out loud about the pregnant infertiles comment. Glad I can take my time, 'cuz there's no speediness about me these days.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm sorry you had to live through such suckage. I had a lovely pomegranate martini last night that might do the trick. It was a fancy vodka I can't remember the name of, pom juice, and something else. . .oh, hell, just do a couple of shots.

    Your comment on my blog made me laugh out loud. Loudly.

    ReplyDelete
  7. OMG! That was hilarious! Thank you for that because I am so scared of my SIL's shower coming up, that I am helping plan, in Nov. I want to be happy but I am so scared.

    When I go to Target on a Saturday morning it is much like the BRU. Preggers and babies everywhere. Today I had lunch at the Scholar's Inn and this lady PULLED OUT HER BOOB AND BREAST FED. Right there. In the open. And although I am TOTALLY for breastfeeding this really was a bad time for me to run into her. I was like, "God damned fertiles...."

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dude - I'm avoiding showers like the plague, your nickname for BRU had me laughing OUT LOUD. You rock!

    Your Shaun of the Dead reference was making me laugh so hard, I nearly went pee in my pants. D and I loved both that and Hot Fuzz.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I know exactly how you feel. My cousin got married 2 months after me, pg her first try a year after she was married, my DH and I had been trying since the day we got married. I had to go to her freaking shower, I was 3 days late thinking maybe this is the month, ya right, I started my period that day. Now three years later I have my new babies after IVF/ICSI and I didn't even want a baby shower and still don't want to go to anyone elses. I should resent the fertiles, but they do piss me the hell off! Next time just send a gift online, no need to torture yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Wow, I totally could not have handled that at all. You're a bad ass infertile.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You are so brave. I don't know if I'd have the courage to go. And just to go in Target, (I had to go there today) and to walk by the baby clothes, is a painful thing for me. Wretched.

    You're a good friend.

    I hope you enjoyed the cake. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. I was invited to and attended one baby shower while I was in the midst of ttc. The kicker - it was for a freaking STUDENT! No shit.

    The worst was planning, shopping for, and HOSTING my 17-year old sister's baby shower at the end of my 2nd year of trying. I wanted to hang myself with the blue streamers I bought. Talk about putting on a pretty face. I cried for the next two days.

    Baby showers still skeeve me out. Even MY baby shower at work had me on the brink of a breakdown. I'll have to write a post about that one day. That was survivor's guilt at its finest.

    You're STRONG to have made it through today. I'm glad it's over for you and that the time between now and the next shower is long.

    ReplyDelete
  13. oh, man you are funny. but I'd have been online and mailing that sucker and headed to a good comedy instead. I gave up baby showers a long time ago. good for you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. You, my dear Io, are a rock star friend. I hope J appreciated the depth of your sacrifice for her b/c I would've been all about buying something from the registry online and having it shipped to her house.

    I hope A had a nice dessert waiting for you tonight. You've definitely earned it, girlfriend.

    ReplyDelete
  15. You totally rock for just going along, let alone making a stop at Babies-r-us! I haven't been to a baby shower in a long time and don't plan on going ever again.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Come and move to England - no baby showers to attend, it's blissful! We don't "do" showers, which is such a saving grace for infertiles and recovering infertiles.

    Showers always strike me as woefully indulgent. Come and gather around my magnificent pregnant belly and worship me! Buy my unborn child lots of presents! Play dumbass, cutesy games! Ugh.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I will now always think of a trip to BRU as Shaun of the Dead - that's the greatest comparison ever! You are a good friend for going to the shower. You definitely deserve a treat.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I got a brainstorm about 4 years ago....(1 year into the whole ordeal)....I spent about $200 and bought about 10 baby gifts all at once...in yellow and green so I wouldn't have to go to BRU anymore. I still have about 2 gifts left in the closet. God Bless!

    ReplyDelete
  19. You are so incredibly funny and brave! The Shaun of the Dead comparison had me cracking up - although they were trying to get to a much more worthwhile location (the pub) than one of the 7 levels of hell.

    Good for you. Now go drink your body weight in booze to celebrate being such a good friend and showing such cake fork restraint.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Wow, that's all I have to say. I have the joy of going to a shower this coming Sunday, which I am really not looking forward to. Especially since this is a "friend" who tried to tell me how to do things back in December. Im really not looking forward to it at all.

    Way to go with holding out on shoving a fork in your eye :) You crack me up!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I was anxious to hear if they asked you if you had kids and if not did you want kids and if so, when did you plan to have them? Surely at a baby shower you got those questions over and over. I am curious how you answer?
    Oh, and you will love this. The cleaning people in my office threw away my uber-conservative coworker's McCain lawn sign. They actually took the sign out of the box. Not very nice those liberals! I know you would never do anything like that would you? :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Great work making it thru the shower! The only time I was ever in BRU was before the pain of IF, I was just beginning ttc. I saw a radish costume, and was horrified. Vowed then and there I'd never dress my child, a human being, as a radish or any other vegetable. Haven't been in BRU since.

    ReplyDelete
  23. OMG, too too funny! I imagined you in BRU, head down, shoulders back, pointing without looking up...poor thing girl!

    Do you know I have NEVER been in a BRU ever! The few showers i attended I never bought gifts from nor was anyones registry there THANK GOD.

    Anyway you are brave, a great friend indeed and yeah did anyone ask you about 'your kids'? LOSERSSSSSSSSSSS

    ReplyDelete
  24. Thank you for the laugh, I ran into the same thing buying a baby gift for a friend. Her registry although not 10 pages, was at FIVE different stores. I mean seriously, take the damn gun and just mark everything at 1 store.

    Enjoy the wine, rum, or vodka!

    Thanks also for the comment on my blog too.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Oh Io. I have been there. To the damn Babys R fuckfuckfuckUs store and the dreaded baby shower. It shows your strength and what a dear friend you are. I hope you are recovering.

    Hmmmm...I never thought of using a fork.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Damn, you are unreal in your ability to make it in and out of a Babies R Us in less than 10 minutes. That place is HELL.

    And it sounds like the shower totally and completely SUCKED. I hate baby showers, even when they're for my friends. I'd much rather send a nice gift and take said friend to lunch or something, rather than sitting around with a bunch of people cooing over useless baby crap. Stupid.

    I hope the rest of your weekend was better, but I think I'm seeing some sort of pastry/confection thing in your Sunday post, so I will assume that the weekend got MUCH better...

    ReplyDelete
  27. "Shaun of the Dead" is a perfect analogy! That was hilarious.

    I'm ordering online for the upcoming shower I'm going to. I'm also hoping there won't be a bunch of pregnant women there (last one had 4 of them, ugh!). You're a really great friend and all-around badass for making it through the shower.

    ReplyDelete
  28. You, my friend, are a stronger woman than I. I could not handle BrU OR the baby shower. And I most certainly would have used my fork for evil purposes.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Baby showers are the worst...you are definitely a good person. For some reason, I have a hard time walking by the maternity clothes at Target...all those loose tops and those jeans with the elastic waistbands. They call to me. Now that's really living.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Oh you are brave. Baby showers are the worst. I hate the games. I hate watching the preggo opening gifts (Boooring!). I hate that there are always so many other pregnant people or mothers w/babies and then you get to hear labor stories, or the baby stories. ICK!!

    If (big IF) we ever have a baby whether it be through adoption or if I actually do get pregnant we are having a big party (during the summer a barbecue) that will involve BOTH of us and it will include both sexes.

    ReplyDelete
  31. You are SOOOO much stronger than I am. Just reading about the shower made me want to hurl.

    Loved your description of the shop and dash to get the gift...

    ReplyDelete
  32. Hooray for record time in that store. I actually went there the other day for the first time in a few years...even in my current state it freaked me out being in there.

    Hooray for surviving the shower!!!

    ReplyDelete
  33. I went to BRU with my girlfriend and her 8.75 months belly. she showedme all around the store and asked what bedroom set i thought she should get for the babys room. she asked me to push the cart. I wantedd to cry for days. she is very much aware of my desire to get pregnant, im thinking it was insensitive but maybe im just really sensitive...

    ReplyDelete