I'm not even really sure what to say.
I go back and forth between feeling like I am being a melodramatic queen to feeling like no, this really does call for some heavy sighing and weeping and hand wringing and whatever else I can pick up from starchy Victorian novels. (And I generally feel like an asshole for ignoring all of your sweet comments and loving emails. And I'm afraid when googlereader hit 200, I hit clear, so I'm sorry for not commenting on all your happy/sad/random news. I love and appreciate all of you SO MUCH, but every time I saw somebody had left a message I burst into tears and had to close my laptop.)
A year ago we had just found out why two years of ttc hadn't been working. And even with all my bitching and moaning about how we couldn't afford IVF, I knew that A was graduating in December, that he'd get a job making more money than he did teaching, that we wouldn't have the extra expenses of l@w school. I figured that we would be able to save and it would be a wait, but we'd make it within a year. Easy.
And then A flunked the b@r.
Man, did that suck. We've been living off of my salary (love my job, but I am paid next to nothing) and our savings. A studied again and decided not to get a job on the (oh, it seems SO. FUCKING.STUPID. now) belief that he would pass in October and get a l@w job. So it would be ridiculous to get some other job in the meantime! Just hang out a while longer and do stuff around the house! And then we'd get back on track and maybe we could do IVF sometime in the spring!
And now he's flunked again.
And the economy is in the shitter.
Even if we could get pregnant with that good old-fashioned s-e-x, now would not be the time.
Everything is kind of jumbly.
A is looking at jobs pretty much everywhere. If he gets a job somewhere else, he might move while I stayed here. It's hard to figure out what he can do though - there's a lot of stuff that he would be great at, but his backround is all over the place, so actually getting hired? Might be hard.
He could cook - he has a culinary degree and was a professional chef. But that was eight or nine years ago, so getting hired to a decent kitchen might be hard.
He could teach - he'd been teaching C*mmunications at the university level for seven years until he quit last winter to study for the b@r. But it's the middle of the school year. So he *might* be able to get another job making shit money *next* fall, but that doesn't do us much good.
He has a law degree...but, well, you know how that goes.
We're both depressed and touchy and nervous. A feels like he has let me down and is embarrassed. I hate having to tell people. And I'm sure they hate figuring out what to say.
He's not stupid and he certainly studied (I am hitting the next asshole who tries to explain how they studied and maybe he should try their method that SERIOUSLYpeople heTOOKthefuckingclassesandDIDallthesameshitYOUdid, so shutthefuckup.) (Oh, and please don't tell me that JFK Jr had to take the bar two or three times or whatever. I don't think he was living in the ghetto while he was waiting to take it again. And saying that doesn't make it seem any better that A doesn't have a job. Plus JFK Jr. died. Just sayin'.)
There is no way that we will be having a child in the next year.
Oh, and last Monday? Heard from the clinic about donating. Fucking perfect.
While it would be nice to have the money and I still would like to help, right now I am unhealthy and stressed and probably mentally unstable.Extra hormones right now might push me over the edge. So I am withdrawing my profile. Boo.
And other shitty things - I fucked up at work last week, nothing huge, but I hate fucking up. One of my best friends here and his husband are moving out of state. My friend R (who is *that person* who was in the process of adopting, but got pregnant) is pregnant again. She's kicks ass and I am happy for her, but talking to her last week and the combination of hearing her say she was sorry about the b@r, tell me that she's pregnant and wants a girl, and that I'd be pregnant *soon* just about killed me.
Aw fuck, here I go veering off into melodrama.
There is good stuff too:
I put up my Ikea shelves and while they don't quite fit right (I measured from the wall and forgot about the baseboard, so the skinny shelf is at an angle. Doh.) they look really good in my freshly painted office/library.
My sister is coming into town tomorrow, so that makes me super fucking happy. She will drink wine with me and trade out a couple of books and lecture me about what I should do, but in a way that makes me feel inspired, not shamed.
Um. Cinnamon ice cream. That's good.
OH! And hot damn, UTERUS is good! Go look at the ebay stuff (wanna win my hamburger phone?) and also look at our etsy store, which I am running. uterus.etsy.com
And please consider donating items or money.
So tell me people, what did I miss in your lives last week?