Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Still alive

I'm not even really sure what to say.

I go back and forth between feeling like I am being a melodramatic queen to feeling like no, this really does call for some heavy sighing and weeping and hand wringing and whatever else I can pick up from starchy Victorian novels. (And I generally feel like an asshole for ignoring all of your sweet comments and loving emails. And I'm afraid when googlereader hit 200, I hit clear, so I'm sorry for not commenting on all your happy/sad/random news. I love and appreciate all of you SO MUCH, but every time I saw somebody had left a message I burst into tears and had to close my laptop.)

A year ago we had just found out why two years of ttc hadn't been working. And even with all my bitching and moaning about how we couldn't afford IVF, I knew that A was graduating in December, that he'd get a job making more money than he did teaching, that we wouldn't have the extra expenses of l@w school. I figured that we would be able to save and it would be a wait, but we'd make it within a year. Easy.
And then A flunked the b@r.
Man, did that suck. We've been living off of my salary (love my job, but I am paid next to nothing) and our savings. A studied again and decided not to get a job on the (oh, it seems SO. FUCKING.STUPID. now) belief that he would pass in October and get a l@w job. So it would be ridiculous to get some other job in the meantime! Just hang out a while longer and do stuff around the house! And then we'd get back on track and maybe we could do IVF sometime in the spring!
And now he's flunked again.
And the economy is in the shitter.

Even if we could get pregnant with that good old-fashioned s-e-x, now would not be the time.

Everything is kind of jumbly.
A is looking at jobs pretty much everywhere. If he gets a job somewhere else, he might move while I stayed here. It's hard to figure out what he can do though - there's a lot of stuff that he would be great at, but his backround is all over the place, so actually getting hired? Might be hard.

He could cook - he has a culinary degree and was a professional chef. But that was eight or nine years ago, so getting hired to a decent kitchen might be hard.
He could teach - he'd been teaching C*mmunications at the university level for seven years until he quit last winter to study for the b@r. But it's the middle of the school year. So he *might* be able to get another job making shit money *next* fall, but that doesn't do us much good.
He has a law degree...but, well, you know how that goes.

We're both depressed and touchy and nervous. A feels like he has let me down and is embarrassed. I hate having to tell people. And I'm sure they hate figuring out what to say.
He's not stupid and he certainly studied (I am hitting the next asshole who tries to explain how they studied and maybe he should try their method that SERIOUSLYpeople heTOOKthefuckingclassesandDIDallthesameshitYOUdid, so shutthefuckup.) (Oh, and please don't tell me that JFK Jr had to take the bar two or three times or whatever. I don't think he was living in the ghetto while he was waiting to take it again. And saying that doesn't make it seem any better that A doesn't have a job. Plus JFK Jr. died. Just sayin'.)

There is no way that we will be having a child in the next year.

Oh, and last Monday? Heard from the clinic about donating. Fucking perfect.
While it would be nice to have the money and I still would like to help, right now I am unhealthy and stressed and probably mentally unstable.Extra hormones right now might push me over the edge. So I am withdrawing my profile. Boo.

And other shitty things - I fucked up at work last week, nothing huge, but I hate fucking up. One of my best friends here and his husband are moving out of state. My friend R (who is *that person* who was in the process of adopting, but got pregnant) is pregnant again. She's kicks ass and I am happy for her, but talking to her last week and the combination of hearing her say she was sorry about the b@r, tell me that she's pregnant and wants a girl, and that I'd be pregnant *soon* just about killed me.

Aw fuck, here I go veering off into melodrama.

***
There is good stuff too:

I put up my Ikea shelves and while they don't quite fit right (I measured from the wall and forgot about the baseboard, so the skinny shelf is at an angle. Doh.) they look really good in my freshly painted office/library.

My sister is coming into town tomorrow, so that makes me super fucking happy. She will drink wine with me and trade out a couple of books and lecture me about what I should do, but in a way that makes me feel inspired, not shamed.

Um. Cinnamon ice cream. That's good.


OH! And hot damn, UTERUS is good! Go look at the ebay stuff (wanna win my hamburger phone?) and also look at our etsy store, which I am running. uterus.etsy.com
And please consider donating items or money.

***
So tell me people, what did I miss in your lives last week?

34 comments:

  1. Shit! That's just shitty!

    Maybe this is one of those times when things have nowhere to go but up? Because... YOU GUYS are overdue some good news and good things a happening right now.


    If I could buy you a drink right now, I totally would. I'd enjoy watching you!

    I love Ikea!

    My update is that I'm having a hellish 2ww.

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  2. Aw, Io. What a pile of crap you're wading through. I'd don a pair of waders just to help you out if I could. Just know that I'm thinking of you and am glad you've posted. I was worried ...

    Big HUGS, Em

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  3. Let it out lady, let it out. If we lived close I would buy you a glass of wine or two or three.

    Sometimes the heavy sighing is nice and relieving but Dr. Kara suggests pie. Any kind will do.

    Though it has unraveled, life will come back together, I promise.

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  4. Well then, lets talk about something completely different then.

    My esthetician told me she did a brazilian wax on this chick. Well, all the front stuff went normal, blah blah blah, but when she had her bring her knees to her ears, she ran into a problem. She was able to spread the wax on her ass crack very easily. But she pretty much has to "paint" around the hole. Well, this chick was so nervous, she kept, um, clentching. But instead of it just shutting tighter, her butthole would literally ~move~ up or down an inch or so. The wax is starting to cool down on her stick as she is literally chasing her arsehole up and down. Until she says, (and she can't believe she said it aloud), in an angry tone, "Stop moving your butthole up and down so I can get wax on it!!!"

    Awesome.

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  5. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this now. You have always been such a wonderful source of support on my blog and several of the other blogs I read and I wish I had the right words for times like these.

    I hate that you are having to delay IVF again and that you are dealing with all of this stress. And I'm so sorry that it is relationship stress, as opposed to something external that you can team up against. But it really sounds like you both have the experience to put this in perspective and get through the next few months.

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  6. Shit. I could just cry for you right now. I'm so sorry you and A are going through all this right now. It sucks and you deserve to be happy if Karma has anything to do with things.

    Know that I am thinking of you, as always.

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  7. I know there aren't sufficient words to help you through this very sucky time, but know that we love and support you like crazy from afar! Hey if you want to meet again in person to drink wine, I'm game. Or if you can scrape together $600 for a cruise. I'm going Dec. 6-13 on a cruise. I can fly you to LA on my miles, and then we'll cruise to Mexico!

    Love you Io, it will get better, just believe!

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  8. Fuck Io- All I can say riht now is I'm glad you are back- this sucks monkey balls. & Yay for wine & sisters!

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  9. I am so sorry that you are going through a tough time. My Hubby also failed the bar several times before he finally passed it. The situation was made even worse by the fact that I was not working. I think he eventually sat down with someone who evaluates the bar exams to see where he needed to study and improve. After that he finally passed it. But it was tough for a while.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  10. I know how hard it is not to beat yourself up for decisions that seem logical when facing the decision, but turn out to be a HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE once everything has played out.

    No ass-vice, just good thoughts heading your way that things smooth out for you very soon.

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  11. I was so excited to see a post from you this morning. Just to know that you're back, and talking about things a little lets me know that you're starting to process stuff, which is the first piece of starting to recover, at least mentally.

    Ah, I wish I was a little closer. I would buy you lots of bottles of wine (well, the government education loans would actually be the ones buying the wine- that's not a violation of the "these funds are to be used only for the support of your education" policy, is it?). I could use a few myself right now.

    I feel like I'm sort of where A_ is, only I haven't actually gone to law school yet. I have no idea where my life should go. I'm still aiming at law school, but other options become extremely attractive all the time. But every program I find around here has some major flaw that keeps me from feeling like it's the right fit for me. Wake Law is too expensive. The programs that I can afford at Wake (any Masters in College of Arts & Sciences is 50% off for spouses, but this doesn't transfer to any of the professional schools, so law is still full price... suck) either have insane prerequisites (to study writing at the masters level, you must have proficiency in a foreign language. Huh?), or they are intended for people in a different circumstance than me (working professionals who want to pursue a part-time masters degree). And there are other programs at other colleges, but unless I want to study education (no. thank. you.), the nearest school is 45 minutes away, and with gas/economy like it is, that's just too far to go for a degree program that likely won't lead to a lucrative job.

    Other than that, I'm running my legs off because despite the horrid asthma, it's the only thing that feels good right now.

    I'm feeling really sad ('cos, oh yeah, my friend died in a highly publicized and tragic helicopter accident on monday morning- I can torture myself by watching video coverage over and over and over again...), and really feeling limited by location. I hate this city. I can't pursue additional education because options are so. damn. limited., and when things happen back where all my friends and family live- things that are somewhat incidental, like a memorial service for Dave (who is a good friend, but not necessarily close enough that I can justify putting a $900 last minute flight to houston on my credit card), or a bridal shower for an old friend from school- I feel so fucking distant. And I hate it. I hate being so far from friends and family. And I hate being in a city that is so remote from civilization, how you can't go ANYWHERE from here without driving to the nearest 1 hr away airport and paying a frickin' arm-and-a-leg. I hate that we told ourselves that the lower cost of living here would allow us to travel, but that we can't afford to travel because shit is just expensive, and because there's something broken in my head that can't deal with having a job. I hate being stuck.

    And then I broke my (brand new) iPod last night.

    So, things have been slightly rough around here, too. Not that I think that all this little shit happening to me is the same as a major economic crisis of not being able to find a job, etc., but it's been a crappy couple of days here, too.

    Here's hoping that things will look up soon. They just have to. I don't think the universe is capable of dishing out so much crap in just one short year. It's just not fair.

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  12. Well, I cannot believe I'm about to post it here b/c it's not on my own blog but this week my partner of 5 years broke up with me, and I am 23 weeks pregnant.

    I have wanted to reach out to you b/c of what was going on with A, but I have been too wrapped up in my own f'd up shit and trying to hold it together. Want to get together and just cry?

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  13. After all of that, I am happy to hear that you will be having a drink with your sister! Cheers from me.

    I wish I could comment like some of the other ladies and yourself by saying something super funny or inspirational, but I am not poetic at all!

    I think there is no where to go but up, so keep your chin up.

    (SEE, not poetic. Quite the contrary. Who uses the same rhyming word twice in poem?)

    HUGS to you!

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  14. ah, what a bunch of crap you are dealing with. that stupid test just effing sucks. the whole situation sucks big ugly balls. hoping it turns up soon.

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  15. Well, I'd love you two to move out to DC right now, but other than that, no advice.

    I'm just sorry you two are going through this. It is so frustrating that so much rides on a single exam and an exam that isn't given often enough at that. If cycles are hard with the long waits between tries, then law is double that. So not dramatic at all.

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  16. It's nice to hear from you again and I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through lately. I agree that things can only get better, but I know that's no consolation in the meantime. I hope you have a wonderful visit with your sister.

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  17. That is just so many layers of suck. I'm so sorry, Io. Take all the support you need from wherever you can get it, be it us, your sister or a good bottle of wine. I'm thinking about you both as you find you way through this.

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  18. I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I wish I had something either enlightening or funny, but I don't.

    I don't function under pressure, apparently.

    Anything I can do?

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  19. That is a whole lot of bad stuff all in a row. That isn't fair at all! I hope the good comes soon.

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  20. things just fucking suck ass-monkeys sometimes.........

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  21. oh hon - I was wondering where you were.

    I am so so sorry that things are turning to sh!t...You guys don't deserve it...

    Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

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  22. Shit sweetie. This SUCKS! But so happy to see a post from you.

    You and A are overdue for some good news and damn soon.

    Here are some hugs from me and if I could send you a drink I would. Come to Minneapolis and I will.

    P.S. I am going to vote for "Senator Government" :)

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  23. Oh, Io. I have no words of wisdom to offer you. Just a virtual hug. I wish I could fly out there and drink a bottle of wine (or two) with you.

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  24. Ugh! This all blows, Io. While my situation is a bit different, I really, really feel for you and A. I think we've been blessed with similarly fantabulous years. :(

    We MUST get together--I'm coming up to your turf in early Nov. AND I'm buying you a big ol' drinky-drink when I do.

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  25. Been wondering where you've been...so sorry to hear about all the crappy stuff you're going through right now. I don't really know what to say except that I'm thinking of you and I'll be praying for you both!! Keep your chin up!

    (((HUGS)))

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  26. Sucks. It just sucks. Do all the hand wringing you want - you've earned it. I just hope there's a turnaround for you soon...

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  27. io- I just want you to know that I <3 you!

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  28. just wanted to send a few more hugs your way. i know how much it sucks to study your fucking ass off for a test that is the most important thing you have ever done and fail. i wasn't brave enough to do it again. yet.

    i am sending you a virtual bottle of wine for you adn your sister to enjoy!

    you have great strength.

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  29. I'm getting to the donating, I promise. Just have to finish it! I'm so slow. bleh.

    So sorry for the shitty fan. :(

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  30. When live and in living color people go quiet and turn off their comments, I tend to go quiet, too. Not because I don't know what to say, but because, y'know --SHHHH be quiet. So I save it all up for when they come back. I missed you and I hate that things are so hellish and uncertain and unsettled for you and A right now. I don't think this is melodramatic - you have a right to be sad and angry and upset and burst into tears. It's deserved.

    And Nancy -- she just made me shoot soda through my nose again.

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  31. Bah. That sucks an enormous amount of ass.
    (((hugs)))

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  32. Io so sorry to hear the two of you are really overdue in the good news department. I've been keeping up with your blog ever since starting IVF myself last March. Done two cycles with no luck so far. But your fantastic sense of humour has been a source of smiles for me through some pretty dark days after failed IVF's.

    You're doing a lot of good for a lot of people and just by being yourself. What goes around comes around, so I reckon things have got to turn around for you soon!

    All the best, and if you're ever in Australia I'll shout you a wine. And maybe some margaritas too, cos with the IVF thing it's been awhile between drinks for me.

    Cheers,
    Michelle

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  33. So, so glad you're back to posting. I was wishing I knew how to find you in person so I could take you out to get deliriously tanked and allow you to totally let your hair down and just go off and riff on whatever emotion came your way. And I see from all of the great comments that there are a few women ahead of me. What a cool group of chicks.

    Consider it a standing offer...

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  34. Man, that sux. But hang in there. I sounds trite, but it always gets better when you are least expecting it.

    http://blissfulbodyyoga.blogspot.com

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