Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Breaking for Melodrama

When I got home a few nights ago, A_ was finishing up a phone conversation. He got off and said "Well, J's pregnant."

Of course she is. J is a friend of ours who took A_'s old teaching job after he finished law school. I was talking to her a few months ago and she mentioned they were going to start trying.
I love J and know she is going to be an amazing mother and of course I am happy for her. She was a foster mother to a teenage girl when she was only in her early 20s herself and she absolutely kicks ass. I was excited that she was moving down here to take this job so we could hang out more.

But of course, hearing that she's pregnant sent a wisp of jealousy curling up through my stomach and into my heart where it squeezed so tightly I felt like I couldn't breathe.
With that last breath I managed to throw out "Oh." Fuck. "That's great. I'll have to call her and congratulate her tomorrow."

See, A_ generally gets vaguely annoyed at my infertility melodrama. He's expressed to me before that he doesn't quite get why I moan and wail and raise my fists to the gods and crank about every time somebody else gets knocked up. (Or maybe I just get a little sad. But he doesn't get that either.) So I try not to be that bitter bitchy infertile you all know and (hopefully) like when he's around.

But this time instead of moving on to talk about something else, A_ looked a little lost and then said "Everyone's having babies."

And it's true. His best friend is pregnant, his old office mate just had a baby, his new replacement is having a baby, our friends who have two biological children already went and adopted another one internationally because they have millions of dollars and want to be Brang-e-fucking-lina. My other friend J is pregnant because she wasn't using birth control because she thought doing drugs* and smoking and drinking would keep her so unhealthy she wouldn't be able to get pregnant. There are a million other friends that are having babies.
Like I said, it doesn't normally affect A_. But I think that starting his new job, he's realized that all of his coworkers have children. And they like to talk about their children.

A_ started talking about how I should just go find somebody else and have a kid. Then I could come back if I wanted. He was only half kidding. He said he knows how much I want a child and he hates that he can't give me one. He hurts that I hurt. And I hurt for him. He hates that we still have to come up with ten grand for IVF. (I've been trying to save money but it's slow going. I never turned in my C**per application because I'm a size 14 right now. Nobody would want my fat eggs. Hell, *I* wouldn't want my fat eggs. A_ finds out about the b*r on May 9th and while he can take it again if he failed, I worry that he'll lose his job and the savings we've got now will disappear again.)

I know that this is just a temporary depression. I'll be done with the campaign in less than a week so we'll see each other more and I'll have time to do basic things like laundry and I can make time to exercise. (And most importantly to read and comment on blogs!) Hopefully A_ will pass the b*r and his job will get easier and we can be better about the money he's making. But I worry that I will get to next week and it won't get any better. I'll have more time to wallow in self-pity. I'll have more time to sit on the couch with ice cream and my Charlie (who is also getting big - like 7 pounds!). I'll have more time to listen to the quiet creaks of my old house and watch the dust slowly settle in thick layers and think about what I would be doing if I had a baby.

Wait. Maybe this is why A_ says I am melodramatic...

*Maybe I'm just sheltered, but I have never even had a chance to contemplate doing stuff like cocaine. I knew J was a little wild, but good grief. I'm keeping my nose out of her business, but I wanted to shake her and scream "What the fuck were you THINKING?!" It was very hard to be supportive as she sat there and talked about how she was originally thinking she might abort but then she realized she could never do that and boy, she sure hoped all those drugs didn't royally fuck up her baby. As soon as she found out she stopped drinking/smoking/drugging etc, and has made a complete turnaround, but it still made me want to puke.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Counting the days

I am avoiding doing actual work right now and thought, hmm...perhaps I could update my blog...

Seriously, if it wouldn't be really, really crappy to quit a week and a half before the primary, I would be out of here. This campaign is run by monkeys. The fun I was having has been replaced by complete exasperation at the inability of the people I work with to use the brains I know they have. Yes, volunteers can be a pain in the butt and make unreasonable demands, but do you really think that being RUDE to volunteers is going to help get stuff done? Grrrr. Two of these guys are openly hostile to volunteers and then get pissy when volunteers don't want to come back and give their time for FREE. And I know that I am a slob, but good grief. It's disgusting in here.
I also recruited my pregnant friend who just moved here. She wanted a part-time job, so I got her a job with the campaign and so at least I have her to bitch with. She is such a blast that I can overlook the fact that she is pregnant. I told her about our infertility and she was very sweet. I am pretty much okay with being around her, though it pains me just a little every time she puts her hand on her little 17-week belly. Of course, it also pains me that my not-pregnant belly is bigger than hers. Yikes.
It was good to reconnect with her although we both can't wait until May 6th when we can do something other than the campaign.
Most of all, I just want this to be over so I can go play with Charlie in my yard, clean up my garden which has amazingly started out very well on its own, and just lounge around. My sister has been in town for work, but I haven't gotten a chance to see her yet. I left at 9:15 last night and thought maybe A_ and I could go out for a drink or something, but he wasn't home. I called him several times but he didn't answer his phone. Finally at 10:30 he answered and said he was at a party being hosted by his law firm and he'd be home soon. "Soon" apparently means "in two hours" to my husband. I couldn't be too terribly mad considering I was out playing most of this last week during my work trip. (I was supposed to be home Wednesday evening and stayed an extra night so I could go out drinking. So yeah. I stink too.) Also, they had door prizes and A_ came home with a fun prize - a Wii! It came with extra controllers, Guitar Hero and Dance Dance Revolution. I played with a Wii at a friend's house a couple months ago and it was a lot of fun, but I couldn't see spending all that money on a video game system. Free is always welcome though.
I think I will be out of here around 5:30 today to have dinner with the parents and my sister. (By the way, anybody know any nice lesbians in the Seattle area who might be single and aren't too hippyish? My sister just moved there not that long ago and so far her dating experiences have provided little more than funny stories. Like the girl who was *all* into her spiritual self and ended the date by saying "So you seem nice, but I really only date people who are deep." To which my sister replied "Well, I really only date people who are normal.")
Last week was like being on vacation. The town I was in is a fantastic college town that was having a beautiful week and the convention went really well. I put it together so I kept waiting for something to go horribly wrong, but nothing did. In the evenings I went out with my guys (f*refighters) and drank WAY too much beer. Basically, I was hungover every day. Can't do that when you're pregnant, so apparently I decided to thumb my nose and go overboard. I hate to disappoint those looking for beer reviews, because they pretty much consist of: It was cold, it was good, I drank too much of it. Every night.
The Upland wheat beer was pretty good though.
Shinejil took me to the food co-op and bought me some delicious dark chocolate. I really can't emphasize enough how fantastic it was to meet her. She also recommended some cheese. I have NO idea what it was but it was stupid good. I sat outside and ate a baguette and cheese and organic oranges. It felt like heaven.

OK, I need to get back to work.
See you all in a week and a half! Yippee!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Warning: Horrible terrible thing mentioned below

This news story makes me so sad. It's bad enough to shoot somebody during a robbery, but shooting a pregnant woman in the stomach? That is so fucked up.

I'm still working, back from my almost-vacation. I'll write more this weekend about the beer. It was wonderful.

Monday, April 21, 2008

The sun shines and all that butterfly shit.

I feel really great today. Other than the beginning of the 8am audit meeting when I hadn't had any coffee yet, I have been Miss Sunshiney Goofypants.
I'm in a town I really love, the weather is amazing, the hotel is nice, my dog is ok, I'm not working very hard, the campaign hasn't called me about anything, nothing too screwy has happened...
And most fantastic of all -
I had the great pleasure of meeting shinjil this evening. I felt like an overgrown puppy - I was so excited, I felt like doing jumping jacks or something. I am generally either weirdly peppy or very prickly, so shinejil, I hope you're not thrown by my being OH SO HAPPY to meet you thing. It was very cool - she is just as interesting and sweet/sour and bitingly smart in person as her prose suggests.
And because today is so fantastic, I must go sit outside now in the hotel courtyard and enjoy a tasty alcoholic beverage.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Ladies and gentlemen...

The Charlie is back!!!!

R_ called me around 9:30 tonight and said somebody had turned him in. A little girl found him. She said she didn't want a reward (she can have *anything* she wants) but that she wanted to maybe see him sometimes.
I am so freaking happy. R_ gave him a bath while we drove over. He said I could have him tonight since I will be going out of town tomorrow. My dog is sleeping - he's exhausted from his week-long adventure. Thank you all so very much for your good thoughts - other than being tired, Charlie doesn't seem any worse for the wear.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

Friday, April 18, 2008

And the days go by

Nothing new to report. Going to work at 8:15. Getting home at 9:30/10 each night. No Charlie. (I don't want to think about it. I cry every time I do. So let's just pretend he's at his dad's house and that's why he's not with me.)
Work has been really stressful - I am going out of town for my regular job on Sunday and I'm stressing about all the things I have to do to get ready. But I'm actually really excited about it because my evenings will be freeeeeeeee for three days until I get back! I can eat dinner and drink beer and read blogs and everything! Then on Wednesday I go back to campaigning. So tomorrow will be the last day in the campaign office until then. It's very exciting.
That's about it for now.
Edit: I forgot two things!
1. Stress +work= losing seven pounds in two weeks. Yay!
2. TOTALLY woke up from the earthquake this morning. Um, this is Indiana. We're supposed to have tornados, not earthquakes! Freaky.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Monday, April 14, 2008

I suck

I suck at handling life apparently, which I think is one of the reasons I try and do so much - I think it will keep life from happening. Silly Io.
Charlie is still missing and I am sick with worry. R_ lives in the downtown area and it's very busy with traffic, trains, an interstate.
We contacted the microchip company but nobody has turned him in yet. I'm at home right now, trying to get my U.T.E.R.U.S. stuff together to ship before I run up to the next job. I just want to curl up in bed until Charlie comes home. I don't want to go be chipper and try and get the volunteers hyped up to walk unless they are walking to find my dog. Which they aren't.
I stopped by R_s house again to see if maybe Charlie had come home - R_ laid out food and his carrier. I called and walked a few blocks, but he wasn't there.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts. I feel like a heel because I haven't had time to even *read* all my blogs, much less comment. I love you guys. I promise I'll be back soon.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Please God

R_ called me. He had Charlie this weekend and this evening Charlie ran away.

I looked and looked for him but I didn't find him. He has a microchip so I hope somebody found him and will turn him in tomorrow.
I can't stop crying.

Saturday, April 12, 2008


I am t.i.r.e.d.

Luckily, we canceled campaign work last night, so I had the night off and could enjoy the party at the uni*n hall. There is a big convention every year in town and the L0cal has a party with free beer, food, a band and a pump*r pull. It was so nice to be able to not be working so I had several beers.
Of course this morning I had to go work on the campaign again. Got home at 6:15pm. Tomorrow I have the morning off but wont be home until 7pm.
I just need to make it to M*y 6.
I just need to make it to M*y 6.
I just need to make it to M*y 6.
I just need to make it to M*y 6.
I just need to make it to M*y 6.

Oh, and a friend of mine wrote and told me she was moving back to town. I hadn't talked to her in forever and was pretty excited. I wrote her back that we needed to go out for a drink. She replied:
"hey thanks for the invite...but no drinking for me! i'm having a BABY!!!!!! So lets meet up and do something else.....b/c I just can't see people drinking and smoking b/c I get sad and desperate and that is not healthy hahaha....MISS YOU!"

I got this while sitting in the office and seriously felt like I had been punched in the stomach.
I shouldn't be working my butt off. I should be pregnant.

Suddenly I am thankful I am so busy: I have no time to hang out right now.
Edit: I'm happy for her, it was just such a surprise. And a reminder of what I am trying to forget I don't have.

Monday, April 7, 2008


Ok, I have caught up on my blog reading, but I will finish commenting tomorrow because all the comments I have left so far this evening have only maybe made sense. Which makes me wonder if I should update my blog while I am this tired, but whatever. I was up until 1:30 this morning, which is not ok, because I need more than 6 hours of sleep. And I am now working 7 days a week for the next month, so catch up sleep will be hard to come by.

- It looks like I will be dying my hair red. Now I just need to find time to do it. I had been thinking blonde, but apparently only one other person thought that.

- I sent Kelly her chocolate, but forgot to bring my camera to the shop to take picture so she would know what she was biting into. I at least avoided the wasabi truffle, so none of the surprises should be *too* weird. I ended up having my dad send the box because I didn't have time and saw him when I dropped off Charlie to hang to with my parents. He said he put stickers on the box that said things like "keep dreaming." I'm not sure what that was about, but he thought it would be a nice touch apparently. Not sure where these stickers came from. Kelly, I just wanted to let you know that while I *am* weird, anything with the packaging is my dad's weird.

-I was dropping off Charlie so I could go to my new campaign job. Um, does anyone know why I thought I could work an extra 30 hours a week? Not even kidding. I think it's going to be good - I'm the token female on the team but I seem to fit in well. This is going to be a *rough* month though. I just need to make it to May 6th and I'll be able to sleep again. Luckily there is a St*rbucks *right* next door to our HQ.

-I was starting to think that Anna was sending me Canadian drugs. See, she told me she was sending me a present (yay!) but she sent it like three years ago and every day I would come home and look all over my porch for the package. Nothing. So clearly, it must have gotten held up at customs. I'm sure Anna is on some sort of watch list - she's quite the shady sort, ya know. So today I got home and saw a package on one of the chairs!
But it was addressed to A_. Boo.

But then I opened my mailbox and tada! My annacyclopackagedia had arrived!

It was travel brochures for Moose Jaw! And Moose Jaw playing cards!
Now, tell me looking at these that you don't want to go visit Anna in Saskatchewan?
Thank you Anna!

-I'm going to bed.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Damnit, my I-BFF is getting cut up

Hey ya, Kate had to go in for emergency surgery. Go send her some love.

Chocolate and um...

Well, I clearly can't read. I entered everyone in the randomizer and it gave me s.e.
Then I *looked* at s.e.'s comment and realized she said not to enter her because she hates chocolate. (Actually she said she was on a low carb diet. But that doesn't sound as dramatic and gasp worthy.) So s.e. do you want something else? Because you got picked so I feel like I shoudl send something, Like, um...something else. I can't think what else there is to life other than chocolate.
So I had to pick somebody else because I need an excuse to go to the chocolate shop and the next winner was soapchick! So Kelly, if you send me an address I will mail you the best chocolate in (my) town.

Saturday, April 5, 2008


The Charlieh is sleeping...

Edit: Because inquiring minds (the fantastic babychaser who has some fantastic embryos growing, so send positive thoughts/prayers/etc their way) want to know - Charlie is not exactly ours. We have settled nicely into shared custody, which translates to not having him about one night a week. (Which is pretty nice actually.) And his owner may be moving to D.C. If he does so, we will keep the Charlie.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Don't forget to enter!

If you donated to U.T.E.R.U.S., make sure to let me know by commenting on the below post so I can enter you to win chocolate. (Or if you can't eat chocolate, a hat? Something.) It doesn't matter if I don't know you! Just get out there and donate and then let me know by tomorrow at midnight!

I am way behind in my commenting (damn Google reader. That starring is so convenient. I can read and mark to comment on later and suddenly I have five millllllllion post to comment on.) So if I have neglected to comment it's probably that you are so deep and insightful that I had to sleep on it.

I may also be falling behind coming up because I am once again working for a political campaign (no Kate, it's not presidential, so don't worry, I won't be bringing my incredible powers of persuasion up against your candidate). I had the campaign manager drop by my office today to ask if I could take a job and I start Monday (It'll be evenings only, I'm not quitting my job.) So that is exciting, but it means I'll be back to working stupid hours.

In other news, my mom bought Charlie a raincoat. She really wants a grandbaby.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Give a little love

You know what? I have a lot of crap in my house. And by crap, I mean stuff that is no good to put on ebay. After all, I very much doubt anybody wants thirty tubes of half used lipstick that don't look good on anyone of any complexion. But I dug around a bit and somehow managed to come up with a couple of items for U.T.E.R.U.S. (C'mon, you know you want to bid on my Oscars program and my wall sconces.)
Although I am poor as a wee church mouse, I have a wonderful partner who spoils me and who does have a j.o.b. (That's right, he got a job as a real live lawyer! Go A_! Tune back in on May 9th to see what happens with the bar exam.) I drink beer do work that I get paid for as well. As much as I whine and boohoo, I will at some point be able to save the money for IVF. In fact, if I weren't such a financial stick in the oh-my-god-we-can't-go-into-debt-what-if-you get-stricken-with-death-or-the-IVF-doesn't-work-and-we- still-have-to-pay, we could theoretically do IVF on a payment plan. But Cali doesn't have that option because she has chosen to do the right thing and take care of her grandmother. I certainly hope that when I am an old lady who farts loudly and talks loudly and has loud purple hair that if I get ill, I will have a granddaughter half as fantastic.

So I know that you are all taking part in supporting U.T.E.R.U.S.
But to sweeten the deal a bit for those of you who haven't *quite* gotten it together, if you post here in the next two days and let me know that you have either donated to the ebay auction or directly to Calli, I will pick a random commenter and send of box of my favorite chocolates from The Best Chocolate in Town. (Edit: I'm sure they can't be as good as the ones Mel makes for Purim, but they are pretty yummy and you can watch them making them. So they are *almost* homemade.) I will make sure there is a piece of toffee in there too.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

I am <3ed!

Apparently, I am irreverent. And funny. And look like a supermodel.
...okay, maybe not that last one.
But according to Melanie I *am* the first two! (I also do not have cankles.) She less than 3ed me! I less than 3 her too!

Aw. I less than 3 all of my bloggy buddies, but I know I have to pick a couple specifically.
I less than 3 Kate (because she is so damn smart and interesting and sick) and Anna (because she is also smart and interesting and has a new dog!) of course, along with Shauna, who has decided to stick with blogging and lose weight before doing another round of IVF (where she will kick ass and get knocked up).

In other news, I need to do something about my hair. I haven't kept up my bangs, so now I have to shove them to the side. Also, I think it's time for a new color. It's a medium golden brown right now and has been for three months. THREE MONTHS. That is *crazy talk*, people.

So I have figured out there is a poll thing on blogger. So vote in my poll on what I should do with my hair. Pick a color and leave a comment about styling. Here is it in it's current state. (Yes, more pictures of Io. Clearly, I love myself too much.) Please ignore the fact that I apparently neglected to comb half my head this morning.

Oh, and that supermodel thing? I lied. I *am* a supermodel. See?


Ok, obviously my brain was just doing April fools on me. I'm back to being grumpy.

I am still very excited about U.T.E.R.U.S. though. Have you found your ebay item yet?

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Happy happy

I don't know what's gotten into me lately that I am feeling so positive. My normal pessimistic self kind of hates this new happy go fuckity Io, but I can't help it. Don't get me wrong. I still wish I had a child/didn't live in the ghetto/had a puppy who didn't suddenly decide that eating cat poop is a good idea. (Eeeeewwwwwww. How do I stop this behavior? The cat poop thing, not the happy.)

Maybe it's all the fiber.

Maybe it's the exercise.

Maybe it's calling Dr. Dick's office and having no problem whatsoever having the billing department agree right off that not only did I not owe them another two grand, but sure they can send me $120. Not like winning the lottery or anything but it puts us officially under five grand for the procedure.

Maybe it's finally getting more batteries for my camera because I am SO taking part in this and I need to be able to take pictures of all the things I am going to put up for auction. Calliope's blog was one of the first IF blogs I read. I was floating around the internet and somebody linked to her and from her blog I found the whole community. I rarely comment on her blog because I'd feel like a silly groupie or something. (She just has that "rock star taking care of her grandmother" vibe I guess.)
I urge all of you to see if you can find something that could go up on eb*y to help raise money for her. I don't exactly have a ton of valuables sitting around, but I know I can find something, even if it's just a little thing. And if we all did just a little bit, we could help give that baby a start. It's like march of dimes, only even earlier in the timeline.

Yeah! Let's do this! [Io runs off waving her arms like a madwoman in pursuit of eb*y items]