Friday, March 13, 2009

Lazy, bad, and not yo momma.

You guys are all the best - thank you for your suggestions about what to do for my anniversary. I figure I have four and a half hours until A gets home for me to figure it out and start working on it.

(Yeah, I may have a small problem with procrastinating. But other than booking the site and buying a dress off the rack, I didn't do anything with my wedding until the week of. So putting this off is kind of like a tribute to our wedding, right? Right?)

We have decided to go down tomorrow to our favorite small town (where Shinejil lives! You should all go visit her) and have bagels where we used to go on Sundays to sit and read the paper. Then A is going to make me meatloaf and mashed potatoes (my favorite) and we'll drink the wine my best friend D gave us as a wedding gift. As for the rest, well, go read Kym's pasties suggestion two posts ago...

So, speaking of the fact that I am a LAZY. BAD. PERSON.
*cough*
I really am. And I am feeling awful about it. Remember a couple weeks ago when Mel had to take a time out from Lost and Found to ask about the Clicker system? I was thinking - gee, I've been a bad blogger in general lately, but I read my section's blogs most of the time and try to get important info turned in. And I was kind of offended by the original questioner saying that the Clickers had cliques and didn't turn in stuff that wasn't from their friends. Because it's *really* not like that at all. I turn in everyone's information. And I am *always* willing to make new friends. But I knew I needed to be better and update my list too.

And then today...
Oh Jesus. Now I am thinking it was probably somebody from my lists, because I have been the WORST CLICKER EVER. I realized I needed to go through and add blogs that have been added recently to my google reader, but Holy crappola. People, there were like 5570923 blogs that I have not been reading that I am supposed to be watching over. I am a dipshit. And don't try and tell me I'm not, because this is not about me - it's about all that incredible work Mel and others do to try and make sure everyone feels supported. I know there will be times when life gets busy and I miss something, but I am beyond horrified to realize that maybe somebody didn't feel supported because I was too lazy to check for new blogs to add to my google reader.
So. If I click for your category (Azoospermia, CBAVD, Clotting/Immunology, Endometriosis, Surrogacy, Varicocele) and there has been a time when you desperately wanted somebody to reach out and cry with you or celebrate with you or help you and it did not happen...

I am so, so very sorry. From the bottom of my heart.

Feel free to call me names and curse me. (Although, please do realize that I've already got infertility, a severely underemployed husband, and a yeast infection, so cursing me might not get you much more...)

I will do better. I promise.


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And in more Tales from Infertile Bitches...
I've been feeling very melancholy since last night. I went to my writing group (or as my friend M's five year old daughter exclaimed last night "It's not writing group! It's eating group!" The emperor has no clothes, people.) and while we were waiting for the third member B to arrive, I was playing with M's twenty month old, Lu. She was standing in front of me grabbing for a toy on the coffee table, and when she couldn't reach it she turned to me, grabbed my hand, and said "Mama! Mama!" in that way that means "Mom! Aren't you going to help me get this?"

Except of course that I'm not her mom.

And that moment of silence before M tried to quickly explain that Lu's been calling all women mama lately and then change the subject...
FUCK. It HURT. It hurt SO FUCKING MUCH.

Normally it doesn't really bother me being around M's kids. I'm like an aunt to them and they are awesome, just like their mom. It does stink that M suggested we try to get pregnant together (when I'd already been trying for eight months) and she now has an twenty month old and I have nothing, but FUCK. This was like somebody punching me out of nowhere. I couldn't breathe.

I hope Lu grows out of this calling all women "mama" stage quickly. Like before I see her again. My heart can't take that.

17 comments:

  1. I don't think you're a bad Clicker. Shoot I commend you for taking it on!

    I remember when a friend's kid went through the same thing and it did hurt to hear it. I'm sorry! I know you'll have a kid someday and I bet it will do the same thing to someone else.

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  2. I'm so sorry you were hurt so badly. (((hugs)))

    Don't beat yourself up too badly about the clicker thing. :-)

    HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

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  3. Ouch, tat had to have been a kick in the NUTS!! I am sorry sweetie...

    If it makes you feel an ounce better, I have one that doesn't call me anything... still waiting for her to find the Mama voice.

    Hugs,
    Rebel

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  4. Happy anniversary, dude. Hope you and A have a blast together.

    And sorry about your friend's daughter. That kind of thing can just blindside a girl.

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  5. (((HUGS))) sorry you're hurting. Thinking about you! Try not to be SO hard on yourself.

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  6. sorry for the late anniversary wishes, but happy anniversary to you and A.

    Next you have not been a bad clicker.

    And finally thanks for your comment. Monkey's butt? I never thought of it that way but it is strangley funny and true.

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  7. Happy anniversary!
    I am sorry about the friend's daughter- I think it sometimes hurts even more when something comes from a kid- you're caught completely off guard.

    -and star bellied sneetches! love it! It's a butterfly from a 17th (?) century piece of chinese pottery. It was my birthday & my best friend & I (who share the same birthday) were going to get tattooed together. I got mine first- totally picked this out of an art book because it was girly & pretty- then she backed out saying she couldn't find anything she liked...
    thankfully it's held up really well, just a bit of stretching & distortion at the very top. We'll see how it 'deflates'!

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  8. I am impressed you are a Clicker at all--and it's better to take some action than no action, so I commend you on what you DID do!

    I'm so sorry about that situation with Lu. That's what I hate about this crap. . .you just never know when something is going to sneak up and bite you in the ass.

    Happy Anny!

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  9. Hey, sweetie! I hope you and A had some delicious bagels and enjoyed the change of scene. I think it's all about the spirit of the occasion, and knowing you, the spirit is a blast and a half. :)

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  10. I guess I'm a bad clicker too then... I don't mean to be life intrudes with blogging time.

    The friends daughter...situation hurts like hell. I'm so sorry.

    My book club is referred to as the wine and food club.

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  11. You crack me up you bad clicker you!!

    Sorry about your pain upon seeing your friend's daughter - sometimes it just sneaks up on you. Hugs my dear - someday it will be your turn - I promise you.

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  12. I didn't realize that you were the surrogacy Clicker. I've been reporting news from my two categories, but I have to get better about it. It seems like news from my sections comes in waves. Everyone seems to cycle around the same time it seems, so there will be huge lulls and then out from nowhere there's tons of news to report. I pretty much dropped into oblivion and hid under the covers of my own blog when my last cycle went down the shit tubes, so I've been trying to get back into the clicking swing of things.

    And ouch about the misplaced name. Just ouch, and hugs.

    Now that that's out of the way...

    GO IO, GET BUSY, IT'S YOUR ANNIVERSARY, SHAKE THE PASTIES, GIVE A LAP DANCE, GET FREAKY!

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  13. Hope you had a great anniversary, Io!

    I'm sorry about the 1-2 punch you must have felt at being called "mama." Ouch.

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  14. Oh, that had to sting... I'm sorry Io.

    Don't be too hard on yourself as a clicker, I can't imagine how hard it would be to keep up on everything! And-as I said on Mel's post, what's the matter with reporting your own news? Nothing. I do it!

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  15. Shit. Does that mean I can't call you "mama" anymore? Ooops, maybe I shouldn't tell you my secret late night fantasies. (oh yes, it is I, nancy, making the massively inappropriate jokes in even more inappropriate areas of heartache.)

    Sorry girl. ~hugs~.

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  16. Oh gosh, it's the surprise things that stab you in the heart. I've had it happen too, and it's such a horrible ache.
    xo

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