Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Checking in

My little brother (and by "little" I mean 6'2 and 230lbs) is visiting for two weeks from the Czech Republic. He came over to hang out for a while tonight and it was really good to see him as he hasn't been home for a year and a half. He doesn't know what he's doing with his life. He has a job, but it's not really a career. I wish I were able to give him some sort of advice, but I'm afraid I failed miserably in my sisterly duties. So we played Super Mar*o Brothers 3.

Well.
That's about all I have. Sadly (ok, maybe not *sadly* but it means I haven't had anything to write about) we have had no more attempted break-ins, run-ins with the skinheads, or angry possums.

---
A did say something the other night. He doesn't talk much about IF but when he does it makes me sad. He said that if he had known before he met me he probably wouldn't have gotten married. Sure it would have been nice to know, but it wouldn't have changed how I felt. It may have changed how we approached some things with treatment though.

Did you know about IF before you got married/partnered/decided to try? Would it have changed anything?

26 comments:

  1. First thanks for the support over the past week.

    I knew that most likely we would have IF (the torsion of the testicle) before we got married. At that time it did not bother me, some days I wish I would have thought harder and more thorough about it though. I would have still married him but probably not have set myself up with the expectation that we would have children.

    I guess hindsight is 20/20 regardless if you knew or did not know.

    E always says I can leave him because we cannot have children but I am committed to stay.

    What is up with my word verification tryinf? Geesh cannot get any closer to trying than that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I knew something was up with me before we got married. It didn't change anything. Or if anything it made me understand that I really needed to get to trying quickly so that if I did uncover any issues, I could have time to resolve them before my biological clock ran out.

    What I do wish I would have known is that H is totally against donor sperm (or donor eggs for that matter). But the point is that if I had known that H was totally against it AND that he had some sort of sperm issue, I would have started browbeating him much earlier so that we would be in a more agreeable place now. The man just needs a lot of time to get used to the idea of things, and right now, he's dragging his feet with having an SA done, AND he's already said point blank that there will be NO donor gametes of any kind.

    I did know in advance that he really, really wanted a family, so that made a difference for me, because I knew that whatever man I married would have to want kids as badly as I did (since I knew there would likely be some work involved in making them).

    I have one of those "little" brothers, too. Mine's about 6'4"ish, but he probably weighs less than I do (asshole has to beat me in EVERYTHING...).

    ReplyDelete
  3. You had me at Super Mario Bros 3.... I so want to play that dude.

    Onto your question...While part of me knew that there was a "challenge" - I mean c'mon, all the sex I had in my 20's and no accidents? Hmmph.

    When Duane and I were going through Engaged encounter we talked about the "what if" we can't concieve and how did we feel about adopting. We agreed that if we could'nt concieve we would adopt, so I felt confident that we would become parents somehow.... he also said he would stay married for the rest of my life. So there you have it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I never had any physical reason to think there would be a problem, but I always had a gut feeling. Or maybe it was just a deep seated fear. Eh.

    Have fun with "little" bro man.
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  5. We never talked about children, which is a good thing because he didn't want any. But once we had the scare with our daughter when i was pregnant with her, he/we were committed to carrying out the pregnancy no matter what. When we had problem conceiving Zilla, we didn't go into too much detail about having another. He has mentioned that it would be nice to have more, but knowing our history and my body's lack of team work, we know it's not for the best.

    Have so much fun with your "little" brother. I hope you can kick his ass at Mario.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I would have started way the eff earlier.

    I love the CZR!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Have fun with your bro- glad to hear that things have quieted down with the drunks & ghetto possums!

    We had always talked about adopting our kids from the start- it's still something that we believe in very much & would love to do. I didn't have much thought or interest in a pregnancy until I found out about my kidney (which is odd because it can possibly be a hereditary disorder) It really snapped me up & brought out the want bad. It took him a little longer to see things my way. Thankfully we both checked out fine, but if I had known than I might have tried different approaches sooner- getting tested, getting acupuncture, making babymaking & family planning more a financial priority than the hub's shop venture... but all of these things we went through brought us here- and I wouldn't trade being here for anywhere else. (Except maybe actually in the hospital right now because damn I'm tired!)

    ReplyDelete
  8. now that I think about it (& by "it" I mean infertility) I do think I always was braced for it to be a long ass journey. But I also tend to have a pessimistic view about things I want in life. You know, the classic, "I really want this job so I probably won't even get an interview" thing.
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  9. We are "unexplained," and our RE has told us that the most likely problem is my age (I'm 38). So in a sense you could say that because my husband knew I was over 35 when we met, he might have foreseen this.

    The thought had already occurred to me before I'd even met my husband that perhaps I was adversely affecting my odds of conception by waiting. But it's hard to control when you're in the "right" situation to have a child.

    The truth of the matter is, neither of us had any idea that we'd have difficulty getting pregnant. We are still baffled by our failure to be successful in this area, especially in light of all normal testing.

    And there isn't any more we could've done to help things along. I went off the pill 7 months into our relationship, before we even moved in together and 8 months before we were married. We started TTC as soon as we reasonably could together.

    For my part, it wouldn't have changed my decision to marry my husband. For months, my husband has been saying the same, and I believed him. . . but last night he had a mini-meltdown about "why isn't this happening for us?" and was very upset. So who knows.

    The way he is feeling right now, he may be wishing he had married someone who could give him a child of his own.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Before Tim and I even got engaged we talked about my probable IF. He said if we couldn't have a bio-child that we would adopt. I also explained to him how I was on a time-crunch due to the likliness of time not working for us (we got married when I was 28). Luckily it didn't take nearly as much as we thought it would to get a child.

    I'm glad you're getting to spend some time with your brother. If my bro and I were into video games, I can guarantee that's how we'd end up hanging out!

    ReplyDelete
  11. We talked about IF, and I don't think either of us knew it would get as bad as it did, but regardless, I think we would have still gotten married. We were both open to all of our options...

    Hope you have a nice visit.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I knew we'd have issues from very early on in our relationship, long before marriage or even a long term relationship was on the table, since Manny had had a vasectomy a few years before we met. But once we really fell in love and were talking marriage, I was just assuming that the reversal would be quick and easy and successful. There have been many times that I've doubted my decision to marry him - just because the whole IF/donor sperm thing has been so painful to come to terms with. I guess it's more that I wish I'd had an infertile auntie or somebody sit me down and get me to think really carefully about what I was getting myself into. That said, I've really made my peace with DI, or as much as I can at this point - I know it will be a lifelong process for all of us as a family.

    I do know that Manny has carried a lot of guilt for putting me through this, and I don't know if that's completely resolved, although I think mostly it is. That has been hard on him, and for the most part I think he's gone through that alone, which makes me sad.

    ReplyDelete
  13. We didn't know for sure about my husband's azoo when we got married, but it was a real possibility because of his childhood cancer. We had discussed it many times over the years and it never mattered to me. When it came up and he got all negative I would just tell him there was so many other ways to become parents and it would be ok. In fact, when we were still dating if I met someone who was open about their IF struggles I made it a point to find out as much as they were comfortable disclosing because I just knew we would have IF.

    ReplyDelete
  14. So much love to you hon.

    If I knew then what I know now, I would not have married him. It's not the IF (we knew about the ejaculatory inhibition, not about the short bus sperm), it's everything else. It's everything else + the IF that has made it so unbearable. We're doing OK now, but we've been through such a sh*tstorm to get to OK.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Well, we generally don't marry people because of their 'nads.

    IF for us was rough, because my husband so desperately wants children, and I was pretty okay either way. But I think the other aspects of our relationship outweigh this slight dissonance. Just as your joy together more than overwhelms the sorrow IF has brought you...

    right?

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am delurking here due to your husbands comment to you. I was told at 19 or 20 that I would have "trouble" conceiving, if and when I was ready. I was devastated at the time, I was so young & I always looked forward to having children. I have only ever had 2 partners, and I say this because I had never used precautions with my 1st partner & there was never an "oops". So I know I have issues, the PCOS & endo does not help. When I met my current boyfriend (together 5 yrs) he already had a 5 yr old daughter, she is now 10 going on 11 in August. He said he never really wanted kids, but adores his daughter & did not want anymore. If it happened he would embrace, but did not want to bring another child into this world. So I figured we would be good together as I couldn't really produce a child if he really wanted one without probably spending some much needed $$$$ that we did not have, nor would never have. I enjoy my time with his daughter and my niece & nephews, it's not the same, but it's as close as I'll ever get to my "own". I'm the cool aunt & the cool step-mom. (sorry for the long post)

    ReplyDelete
  17. My MIL told me that there was a chance my husband would be infertile and she would understand if I wanted to cut off the relationship. I didn't care. I knew I had MS and me being pregnant wasn't the best thing for my health anyway so we'd adopt. What I didn't know what that we would encounter an adoption scam, try donor sperm, and fail at both only to come back to adoption again. So yes, I knew there was a good chance and no it did not change anything. I love my husband more than I ever thought possible and even if it's just the two of us we'll be ok. Maybe a litte unfulfilled but ok.

    ReplyDelete
  18. (((HUGS))) to both you and A. Love him extra deeply and let him know it.

    ReplyDelete
  19. There was a time when I *really* felt like I wouldn't have gotten married if I had known about IF. But the TRUTH of the matter is that I would have done it either way. I married my husband because he is the man I have loved most in my life. Because we had been together for almost 5 years and I couldn't conceive of ever even *thinking* of wanting someone else. A few years of infertility and chronic illness can sure change a perspective! That said, I've come back around to being glad we got married - even if we NEVER have kids.

    ReplyDelete
  20. We knew DH had issues, but mine were a surprise, together we added up to more than the docs could unscramble. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else but him...and fortunately he feels the same.

    oxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  21. We had some idea - but we didn't know HOW bad it was going to be. And no, it all happened exactly the way it would have either way.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Knowing then I what I know now I still would have married my husband. There isn't anyone else I'd rather be with no matter how fertile. Even if it somehow just ended up being me, him, and the dogs I'd be fine.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Infertility broke up my partnership just as I was on the verge of having my daughter. I love her, but this has been such a hard road. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have tried to get pregnant at all. I would have adopted from the start.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Eeeek! That's hard. I've asked myself that question alot. My husband (muslim too) has male factor issues and we are doing everything we can naturally to change this. There are no guarantees but we live in hope. But I know I would still have married him and that's because of how he's been through this whole frustrating TTC journey. He's the man for me, fertile or infertile, I love him!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I wouldn't have done anything differently, but I would have appreciated the heads-up to the long journey ahead.

    Don't feel like you weren't fulfilling your sisterly duties by playing SM3... sounds like you were there for him. I am sure he appreciated it!

    Leslee
    babyattheend

    ReplyDelete
  26. Just saw my "little" 6'5 brother yesterday for Easter, and had to tell him to zip his zipper, brush his teeth and wash the hangover remains from his hair. Yeah, he's 27. Little brothers are sweet but clueless sometimes!

    Your husband's comment is a tough one. We had NO idea my husband had any issues, always healthy and both of his brothers were fine. I don't think it would have changed anything, unless I found out on the first date or something. One of the first things he said when we found out was that he would understand if I wanted to leave and find someone else. That was one of the most heartbreaking moments of our IF. I've tried reassuring him ever since that I wouldn't trade being with him for everything.

    Thanks for being so supportive and visiting my blog!!

    ReplyDelete