Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Heyya

In case you were worried, I am not face down dead in a ditch somewhere.

I keep writing sentences right here and then deleting them because they sound stupid so I'll just go ahead and say it: I'm depressed. Terribly horribly depressed.

I have certainly had my moments before - I can't imagine anyone struggling with infertility hasn't gone through at least some period of feeling like the world is crushing your soul - but this has been a particularly brutal and chemical feeling. It is different from the despair I felt when A failed the bar, lost his job, and we used up our IVF savings on paying COBRA. That was awful. This...
A couple months ago I had a bit of a toothache and decided to try putting orajel on my tooth. I dabbed a little on and didn't feel anything so I squirted some more out and managed to get it all over my mouth and tongue and lips. Suddenly the orajel took hold and I felt the fat numbness spreading. It sounds stupid but I thought to myself - this is exactly what my life feels like right now. Just nothingness.
I just didn't have the energy to read or comment on blogs or come up with something to say about my life. I didn't care. I know how important it is to not let yourself get sucked in, so I still went to work, I still coached, I still met up with friends for dinner. I still smiled and laughed and joked and commented on facebook but it was like this big act, like maybe if I could fool everyone else into thinking I was normal that I just would be normal.

Depression is a lot like infertility - it's a medical condition and I shouldn't be ashamed of it, but I am. It seems like it should be easy to get over, but it's not. And just like infertility, it took me a while to accept there might be a problem.
Calliope has been great about gently and firmly pushing me to get help. I saw my doctor the other day and I'm trying out some drugs. She also asked me about therapy. I'm not terribly sold on the idea of formal therapy, though I know it works for some people. I do know that when I was blogging, you all were the best support and greatest advisers I could have wanted. So...I am going to try and jump back in. I missed you guys.

83 comments:

  1. I missed you too! Really, truly. I hope that you come back to blogging, and I hope that you find a treatment that works for you for depression. It is an illness just like any other illness that you might have and would not be ashamed to talk about it.

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  2. So good to "hear" from you, though your news is not good. I was sorting through my reader the other day and noticed it had been a long, long time since you updated. I was wondering how you are.

    I hope that you get the help you need.

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  3. I'm glad you aren't face down dead in a ditch somewhere; depression can certainly make you feel that way at times even when you are smiling on the outside.

    Looking forward to "hearing your voice" again even if it's just to say that today sucked royal hairy donkey balls.

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  4. I have missed you too, but I absolutely understand. I was going through the same exact thing. Sometimes depression is worse than in a ditch dead- sad to say huh? B/c you have to keep smiling, and putting on a mask and acting all happy when you aren't. You have to do shit like bathe, and work...and buy fucking groceries. Blah.

    {{{{HUGS}}}}

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  5. Darling. I'm sorry to say that I truely understand as I've fought depression all my adult life. Big (((hug)))

    The good news is that you can beat it. If you do decide to try therapy I would recommend that you consider CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). It did me the world of good.

    Email me if you need. I really do understand.

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  6. Missed you too!!!!

    Depression is tough. I had a big breakdown in university which resulted in a few years of antidepressants and therapy. I believe that I'm a better person because I went through it, but it doesn't make IF-related depression any easier.

    Sending you big, big hugs!

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  7. Dearest, sweetest Io-you have been on my mind so much lately. I have been missing you and worried about you and I am so glad you posted.

    That being said, I'm sorry you are depressed. Please, please do not be ashamed of it. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a documented, chemical inbalance in the brain. Telling yourself to "get over it" is like telling a diabetic to eat a brownie to get over their diabetes.

    That being said, anti-depressants are amazing. And they work even better in tandem with therapy. As always, do what you need to and do what feels best. But also know you are not alone. I am sending you so much love and care. Let me know if you need anything else, friend.

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  8. What what! She posts!!

    Ah, friend. Infertility fucking sucks, and it's unfair and soul crushing and awful. That we all aren't sobbing into our Frosted Mini Wheats all day long is a miracle. Depression is so natural in this circumstance, though I know it helps very little to recognize the normalcy.

    Just wanted to say that even though I started therapy recently to get some tools to deal with stress and anxiety, it has turned into an incredibly helpful relationship for so many aspects of my life. Blogging is great, but expert advice on how to cope with the shit life throws at you is really important, too. I know therapy isn't for everyone, but just thought I'd let you know that it has been great for me (so far). It's only through therapy that I recognize how fully fucking depressed I was (and still have the tendency to be sometimes), and how much power anxiety has over me. And just knowing that feels good, feels like my feelings aren't so out of control.

    As my therapist said recently, our feelings are reflections of our perceptions, not necessarily of reality. Reality is flat and logical and factual-- perceptions of that reality are rocky and twisting and confusing, and our emotions rarely reflect the reality of the situation. What I think I mean is that while no one would argue that infertility sucks, the feelings of hopelessness that come along with it (at least how it does with me) reflect the perception that things are hopeless, not the actual fact that things are hopeless (because things are truly never hopeless, despite feelings to the contrary).

    AAAAANYWAY. I am so glad that you are going to attempt to once again engage with this community. You are sorely missed, and I hope that blogging and drugs (and maybe therapy if you decide that it's what you want) give you some relief from the heavy load of depression.

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  9. I think when some of your major concerns (A's career, money) get taken care of, you get out of crisis mode and you no longer have adrenaline pushing you. I think that makes it easier for depression to take hold. I'm glad to hear you're willing to get some help, because life shouldn't be numb or gray. Welcome back.

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  10. Churchill would be proud of the leash you put on the black dog.

    I love you. I am proud of you.

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  11. soooo good to hear your voice. was worried about you. we're here for you...

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  12. I'm sorry you are going through this, and I'm happy to listen to you talk about life's suckiness any time. Blog it out, even if you think it's dark and ugly. It takes a lot of guts to ask for help-good for you. Just remember, it WILL get better. This IS transient, and you can work through it.

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  13. Good to know you're alive and kicking. I was having similar feelings. I found myself "blah": not my happy chipper self, not mad, or sad, just living day to day. I opted for therapy in conjunction with antidepressants. I have since "graduated" from therapy and taking my happy pills. Good luck with it! In a way blogging is like a free therapeutic support group.

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  14. I am glad you are back. You were missed.

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  15. I'm so sorry you are struggling with this and I really hope the drugs (and maybe therapy) help. We did miss you!

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  16. I've missed you too. I was just asking Cali about you today. Maybe your ears were itching. I'm so sorry you're in this space, but I'm glad you're reaching out and treating the depression.

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  17. I was so happy to see your name pop up in my reader--but not happy to hear how you are feeling, sweetie.
    I am always up for sending more care packages! :)
    I think of you often--there are so many of us that do! Let us be your "listening" ear to vent out whatever crappy feelings come out of all these emotions.
    BIG hugs!

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  18. Hey, who am I to criticize a blogger for not blogging? Sending you lots of love and wishing you brighter days.
    xo

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  19. So glad to see a post from you, but sorry you're having a hard time.

    I agree with others who've said that meds along with therapy are more effective. And cognitive therapy tend to get quicker results.

    Been thinking of you. A certain someone was styling in an outfit from you today.

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  20. Oh dear sweet Io! I have missed you so much. I am so glad you're going to jump back in and be with us in the midst of what you are going through - it is so hard sometimes but I hope that we can all help carry you through and lift you up when things get really rough. I am proud of you, too. And sending my warmest love to you.

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  21. Missed you - and like so many others was thinking about you recently. So sorry to hear what's be going on and so glad to hear that you're getting help.
    And I admire that you've been able to keep slogging through the day to day (I don't always make it) - so I definitely consider it an achievement.

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  22. And I missed you too.

    I hope for some 'alleviation' for you, whatever way that may be achieved.

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  23. I was so glad to see you pop into my reader. I'm sorry you are going through some stuff right now and can totally relate. I hope that finding your way back here will help you start to melt the bad stuff away.

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  24. I'm so sorry you've been struggling. Depression is absolutely an illness, and I'm glad to hear you're trying out medication. I will tell you, I started antidepressants about 5 months ago and it's made ALL the difference. I wasn't open to therapy, either, because I didn't feel like there was anything to "sort out."

    I hope you're feeling better SOON. Take care of you.

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  25. Hey girl! I've missed you!

    I'm so sorry to hear of the struggles that you are facing. I'm hoping that you find a treatment plan that works for you.

    Clinical depression is an illness, just like any other. You wouldn't tell a diabetic to be ashamed that they have diabetes, would you? Sending you love and strength.

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  26. Io is back! Glad to hear that you aren't in a ditch, but so sad to hear that you've been depressed... I totally understand, our IVF put me in a deep depression that I am just starting to pull out of. I say try everything that might help. I have found that yoga and meditation and acupuncture have been the biggest help for me. It seems I need A LOT of reminding to take a deep breath.

    Glad you are back

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  27. I can definitely empathize with the feelings you describe. I hope you find something that helps very soon! (and welcome back to blogging! :))

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  28. Hello, I'm actually a first time reader. Bee in the Bonnet suggested us readers come over and give you're blog a looksy, which I did. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Depression is such a horrible place to inhabit. I dealt with depression for a lot of years, long before TTC and pregnancy loss. I've taken a ton of medications and been through many, many kinds of therapy. If you ever want to chat about it, I'd be happy to. I hope rejoining the blogging community will help you some, but I have to say, I do recommend a therapist or some kind. I can understand being unsure, but it can't really hurt to try one for a month or two. They've been life savers to me in the past (and are now too). Just a thought from someone who knows three paragraphs about you but many years worth of crap about depression. Thanks for posting again, I look forward to reading.

    Kait @ esperanzasays.wordpress.com

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  29. Missed you and thought about you often. I'm so sorry you're depressed. I'm so very happy that you're getting some help. I hope coming back to blogging is a good outlet for you and helps you even further. (((hugs)))

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  30. Oh, I've missed you too. I've missed your wit and sarcasm, and I think St. Patrick's Day is coming up and for some strange reason I think of that as your holiday. ;)

    And, I'm still cheering for you.

    Hugs

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  31. I've missed you too. I was so glad to see a post from you but sorry to see the difficulties you've been having. Hang in there.

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  32. OMG how I missed you too. I am so glad youre back! And so glad you are not faced down anywhere. You know we are cheaper and maybe even better than a therapist. Seriously girl use the resources that are best for you and you know we are always here for you. xoxoxo

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  33. Oh, Io. I'm so sorry to hear that things have been so rough. I've been there. My husband, who had to start taking Lex@pr0 during our 3.5 years of IF hell, has been there. I'm glad you're getting held, and reaching out here.

    Therapy is good when you're into it, when you feel it will be good for you. If you're not feeling it, just wait. That's my assvice. When I was dealing with some really IF-related darkness just a couple sessions with my old therapist really helped, but we had already established a relationship in the past, so it would likely be different if you were just starting to work with someone.

    I'm sending you all sorts of love and hope for some light, especially as spring comes. You know where to find me offline, and know that my door is always open if you need an ear.

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  34. Uh, that should read "help." I hope you're getting held, too, in a huggy sort of way.

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  35. Io! I miss you!!! While I already knew you weren't face down- I am so sorry you are having such a rough time of it. Not surprised- bcause even with my oh-so-limited experience of the if hell- that numb feeling you described has resonated with me. I have felt that & I know it is a hard that is so different than the pain of being broke, or having a hard time at work, or in your relationships. It's so hard to feel like you have lost yourself, which is how I felt.
    I am glad you are getting help- and that you are open to getting it anywhere it may present itself.
    We are here for you- you have my e-mail should you ever want to use it- I am here. I ~heart~ you!

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  36. Oh Io Girl -

    While I am so freaking happy/excited to see you post, I am sorry to hear about how you are feeling. I've missed the blogging community support myself and have recently re-entered this space. Regarding the depression- life sucks and as we get older it seems to suck more and more. I think the trick is developing an arsenal of ways to deal with the crap life throws at us repeatedly. Drugs and therapy help too and try some yoga. You know how I love me some yoga.

    Miss you lots and love ya chickie!

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  37. Oh sweet Io. I am sorry to hear that the depression monster has come after you too. I have been there and it sucks hard. I waited for things to get better and they didn't, and I sunk deeper and deeper until I thought I'd never feel good about anything again. Drugs are a good friend when you are in this place, and there is nothing to be ashamed of in taking them. The bitch of it is that they don't work immediately and sometimes you feel too despondent to continue. Stick with it for a couple of weeks, and it will make all the difference in the world. I have a good therapist in the area too if you want her info. Semdomg ;pve/

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  38. I just wanted to give you a big hug. I'm glad you are getting help for your depression. I've been through it myself, and it's hard, but you do what you have to get through.

    I've done the antidepressant thing when I couldn't get out of bed. It helped me get through a rough patch. This last round of IVF failure, I opted for working out like a fiend to avoid the pills. As much fun as they were (and they were), I didn't get much sleep (took well.butrin) and refused to take another antidepressant just so I could sleep! I hope you find a good therapist, because it's true that you do have to do both together, the antidepressants and the therapy. Huge hugs to you.

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  39. It's so wonderful to hear your voice again.

    I've struggled with depression for most of my life. When infertility/miscarriages happened to me I recall some part of me was like 'this figures' and stewed for quite some time in the added misery before reaching out for the meds. They did, eventually, help quite a bit. But I think talking/connecting with others (especially infertiles!) helped even more.

    Wishing you all the best in getting through this. I may also seek some 'pharma assistance' once my son is weaned to deal with some of the anxiety that's creeping back. I find it weird how depression/anxiey often are like these evil twins together -- seems strange.

    Anyway, many hugs to you. I'm always here to lend a listening ear if you need it!

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  40. lots and lots of love.

    i had a horrible therapist. they are hard to find. i found that a rec from my favorite doc helped. So did reading unsung lullabies and blogging thru it.
    xoxo

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  41. It's so good to hear from you again. I am still dealing with infertility and as for depression...it's been my unwanted, uninvited companion for many years. Sometimes I am on medications and other times I go months without. I understand about the stigma attached but you are right. It's a medical condition just like diabetes or high cholesterol and you can do something about it. Help is out there. I am glad to see you are blogging again. I hope you keep it up.
    I had to sign on anonymously because since I changed my blog to wordpress I am having trouble leaving comments using that account for some reason. Anyway...this is Guera! From Journey to 40 And Beyond. http://portraitsinsepia.wordpress.com

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  42. please to write some mores???
    missing you, you blog tease, you.
    xo

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  43. Hi hunny! I totally have missed you.

    Depression. You know it's a beast I've grapples with for my first time last year. 37 years and nothing more than a few blah days and then full blown depression. The meds have made me feel like my old self. I am glad you are giving it a try! :)

    ~smooches~ and welcome back!

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  44. Glad I found your blog. We have CBAVD as well. Going through IVF sometime this year too! Helps to know I'm not alone!

    http://www.teseivf.blogspot.com/

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  45. Hey girl, sorry to hear things are not great in your headspace right now. Still, can you just write SOMETHING so we can know you're alive, and so we can send you lots of love in the comments section???

    LOVE LOVE LOVE coming your way. Today and every day. xx

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  46. Still thinking about you. {{HUGS}}

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  47. I hope that things are going better for you. I missed hearing from you as well. *hugs*

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  48. Hi
    I have not missed you, but only just discovered you....and you made me laugh...thank you!!
    I too am trying to conceive and have been for nearly 3 years. I cry, I fake it with my friends and I feel dumb and inadequate. So, when I read your strap line & your info, you made me laugh....you made me realise I am not the only one going through this crap & I wanted to read more!
    Good luck, keep strong.
    Cx
    Ps. I am also an underachieving middle child :)

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  49. hi, you have nice blog.. u can view also mine..http://akoniwares.blogspot.com

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  50. Um, dude, you SURE you're not face down in a ditch somewhere? Time to check in and quell our anxious hearts & minds. Hope you are doing ok. xx

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  51. Hello, I found you on Misconception's blogroll and just thought I'd stop by.

    After reading this post and seeing how long ago it was posted I just wanted to tell you how much I can relate to the crippling depression that can culminate from Infertlilty. And I have to say that I agree with your friend Calliope, and mostly because I'm just starting to wrap up after eight SOLID months of formal therapy. (I didn't want to go either.)

    Anyway, I hope this finds you in a much better place than where you were when you originally wrote this post.

    Hugs.

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  52. Just stopping by to say that I miss you. Hope to hear from you soon and I hope you're feeling better. <3

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  53. beautiful blog..pls visit mine and be a follower.. thanks and God bless..

    http://forlots.blogspot.com/

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  54. Just read over at LFCA that it's your birthday today - I hope you have been feeling better recently, and that today is the start of a year full of truly good things. happy birthday!

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  55. Happy birthday. Come back soon. It sure looks like a lot of people miss you.

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  56. Happy birthday Io! I've missed you.

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  57. Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, girl!

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  58. Hope you are celebrating your birthday in a big way, wherever you are :)

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  59. Hey, happy birthday!!! I hope you are doing okay. Drop us a line and let us know, won't you? Even though it's been months, we're always here for you, you know. You're one of my favorite bloggers, even if you do only post every six months.

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  60. I've just now come across your blog. I can't imagine the kind of depression that you must be experiencing. I hope you're able to push through it and do whatever it is that you will need to make your life better and to feel more fulfilled.

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  61. My mind was doing some mindless wandering and somehow in a "six degrees" kind of way I thought of you wondered how you're doing. Hope thinhgs are getting better for you.

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  62. Sorry you are feeling so awful, I hope that being able to express it all here helps a little.I have not been through what you have so cannot know how you feel but I hope that you will soon be able to feel better.

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  63. I hope we hear from you again soon, and that you are feeling brighter. x

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  64. I've been thinking of you lately Io, and wondering how you're doing.

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  65. still thinking of you and hope to hear from you in 2011. Maybe even sometime SOON???

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  67. Hope things are better for you soon.

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  68. Hello!!!

    =)

    www.sasesisosucesso.blogspot.com

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  69. Hey, now I'm getting worried! Check in soon to let us know you are NOT face down in a ditch somewhere!! xxx

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  70. Just stumbled upon your blog and LOVE it. Seems like you have a lot of fans. I'm sure I'm not the only one who wants you to write more. Hope all is well and hope to "hear" from you again.

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  71. Hi - found your blog and hope that you can set aside sad thoughts for awhile. There's so much to be unhappy about but you sound like someone who has a lot to give - yourself!

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  72. http://truewell.blogspot.com/

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  74. Love your blog. You simply tell it like it is. Wish I was as good putting it all down as you are.

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