Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Heyya

In case you were worried, I am not face down dead in a ditch somewhere.

I keep writing sentences right here and then deleting them because they sound stupid so I'll just go ahead and say it: I'm depressed. Terribly horribly depressed.

I have certainly had my moments before - I can't imagine anyone struggling with infertility hasn't gone through at least some period of feeling like the world is crushing your soul - but this has been a particularly brutal and chemical feeling. It is different from the despair I felt when A failed the bar, lost his job, and we used up our IVF savings on paying COBRA. That was awful. This...
A couple months ago I had a bit of a toothache and decided to try putting orajel on my tooth. I dabbed a little on and didn't feel anything so I squirted some more out and managed to get it all over my mouth and tongue and lips. Suddenly the orajel took hold and I felt the fat numbness spreading. It sounds stupid but I thought to myself - this is exactly what my life feels like right now. Just nothingness.
I just didn't have the energy to read or comment on blogs or come up with something to say about my life. I didn't care. I know how important it is to not let yourself get sucked in, so I still went to work, I still coached, I still met up with friends for dinner. I still smiled and laughed and joked and commented on facebook but it was like this big act, like maybe if I could fool everyone else into thinking I was normal that I just would be normal.

Depression is a lot like infertility - it's a medical condition and I shouldn't be ashamed of it, but I am. It seems like it should be easy to get over, but it's not. And just like infertility, it took me a while to accept there might be a problem.
Calliope has been great about gently and firmly pushing me to get help. I saw my doctor the other day and I'm trying out some drugs. She also asked me about therapy. I'm not terribly sold on the idea of formal therapy, though I know it works for some people. I do know that when I was blogging, you all were the best support and greatest advisers I could have wanted. So...I am going to try and jump back in. I missed you guys.