Wednesday, June 27, 2012


Okay, the last post was me being very worst case scenario. My boss wasn't happy, but sort of said "mistakes happen, fix it" and I have come up with a doable solution. So, I will live

I really need to not freak out in advance.

One of those days

You ever have one of those days where you really want your period to start so you can get on the IVF train but it doesn't? And then you get to work and realize that you screwed something HUGE up several months ago without realizing it that may get you fired today (probably not fired, but definitely major trouble)? And your boss didn't say anything on the phone when you told him, was just quiet and then said he would call you back so now you're sitting at your desk feeling sick and waiting for the hammer to fall?

It's going to be one of those days today.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Fat fingers

Ack. My ring was getting tight because I have gained weight. Also,I am feeling puffy in general, so I tried to get my ring off and had to use Windex.
A suggested I just get a chain for my ring but I think I am going to get it resized.

I am trying to pretend it isn't Sunday. I really don't feel like going back to work tomorrow after this long lazy weekend. (I am also trying to pretend that A isn't on his way home from his Man Weekend, because that would mean I would need to get up and do the dishes I have been piling up in the sink.).................... A left Friday morning with our friend Geo for their yearly trek south to meet up with another friend amd play golf, drink scotch, and...well, that might be the extent of their manliness. My friend Michelle kindly picked me up at 6am to take me to the doctor for my polyp removal. .......................... I gotta say, anesthesia is a wonderful, beautiful thing. Not being awake was great and I felt less crampy afterwards than I did with the sonohysterogram. I was a little tired all day and some spotting, but otherwise all good..................... Saturday was a wedding shower, but otherwise I just laid on the couch. Which is what I am doing now instead of laundry or dishes or showering. I did however make a quick batch of blueberry jam, so we can pretend I was productive despite all other evidence to the contrary. ........................... I also took my last bcp this morning so now I wait for my period to start. I am rather hoping it starts quickly. The sooner it starts, the sooner *everything*

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


I need to type something or my head is going to hit the keyboard. Which would be okay, as my key board looks fairly comfortable right about now, but it is a pullout keyboard and I think my forehead would probably smash into the upper deck of my desk.
I am assuming it's the Lupron that is making me this tired. Either that or somebody slipped me a roofie. My boss and I were talking about something (what, I don't remember. my brain, it is fuzzy) and he stopped and looked at me after I said something stupid and remarked that I really needed a nap.
I occasionally get aural migraines that don't really hurt, they just make me feel discombobulated and everything looks a little trippy. That is kind of how I feel today. Incredibly tired and slightly tripped out.

But I have things to talk about! I do...if I can remember them...crap. WHY IS MY BRAIN SO TIRED?
(My mother has remarked before that while she loved the end results, being pregnant for her was like walking through Jello for nine months. This seems vaguely Jello-like, which makes me wonder if I get pregnant if this is why my brain on pregnancy will feel like. Like I am not already scatterbrained enough.)

Oh yes, things.
I had a moment of hesitation this morning before I did the needle and over-thought the dart throwing motion. I happen to be terrible at darts. So I somehow bounce-stabbed myself two times before I actually got the needle in. Doh.

I can't remember the rest, which is just as well. I am off to take a nap.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Shootup at the Io Corral

Yeehaw! I did my first shot of Lupron this morning. It was pretty easy, despite my fear of air bubbles. (I am terrified of air bubbles. I have this worry that I will miss a teeny tiny air bubble and it will drop me dead. Probably an unreasonable fear, but I never, ever claimed to be reasonable.) The initial plunge took me about 15 seconds of staring at my belly and working up the courage, but those needles are so tiny I hardly felt it. I had a little rash at the site for about an hour and that was it.

Somebody please tell me the rest of the injections are this easy. Lie to me if you have to. 
(I know PIO isn't, but we'll ignore that for as long as possible, mmkay?)

Saturday I was on my feet all day. In the afternoon I went over to the hall to help my boss cook for his ex-girlfriends wedding. (They broke up sometime around the year I was born and he is her daughter's godfather.) With a couple other friends we grilled a hundred pieces of chicken, a hundred hamburgers, a hundred brats and forty hotdogs. It was hot, so very very hot, but a good time. There were about 160 people at the wedding and it was very nice - casual, picnic style and friendly.

I will be interested to see if I have the side effects from Lupron that I keep reading about - I had a meltdown on Sunday where I was bawling and arguing with A two-year-old-tantrum style. Sadly, I can't blame it on the Lupron since I hadn't started it yet. I think I was just more exhausted and on edge than I realized and when A made [what he claims was] a joke [that was NOT funny] I lost it and got angry. Which made A say stuff, which made me start bawling, which made A say dumber stuff, which made me bawl even harder. It's all fine now and A was very sweet to me after I got up from the three hour nap that I clearly needed. So yeah. Hopefully the Lupron doesn't give me terrible mood swings since I am capable of having them all on my own thankyouverymuch.

I also got the rest of my meds today -  Menopur and Gonal F. The Gonal F is in pens, which seems pretty easy, but I will need to figure out the Menopur. I have the European version, so there is breaking glass involved and I need to get syringes since it didn't come with them. Will need to figure that out asap. Anybody use this and have any tips?

I also need to mention all this to my boss at some point. I don't know why I haven't told him yet. He knows I am having a uterine polyp removed on Friday and that I got a bunch of drugs in the mail, so he might have figured something is up. I think I am worried that he'll be disappointed that I am trying to have kids or something. Or that he will be sad for me if he knows about the cycle and then it doesn't work and I have to deal with his sympathy. Whatever the reason, I have put off telling him. (My boss is more like family than just a boss. The office consists of me, him and the two dogs. Sometimes our VP.) I need to tell him, I just need to figure out how to breezily drop it in conversation like "NO BIG DEAL, JUST IGNORE WHAT I AM SAYING."

In other news...tonight I am planning a bachelorette party. This is the bride's second wedding and the first bachelorette party ended with her getting kicked out of the limo for throwing up and calling her fiance for a ride while she was standing on a street corner crying. (For the record I was with the boys that night watching sports and the other planner for this time was in labor during the last party.) So I feel pretty confident that whatever we plan will be a success. Comparatively.  As long as we don't leave the bride drunk and crying on a street corner.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The good, the bad, the goodbye money

The good: no HSG! Just a sonohysterogram. Which is making me crampy but was no worse than a pap. Edit: oh shit these cramps got worse. My husband is now questioning if I can handle pregnancy. The bad: I have a little polyp, so I need to get that removed in the next two weeks. Ugh. The goodbye money: this was the "sign all the consents and hand over several thousand dollars" appointment as well.

HSG? Erm.

I was all cool as a cucumber about today until last night when I was googling stuff about getting my HSG and landed on Stirrup Queens and read this:

Maybe I’m going to sound like a big wuss, but the HSG was the most pain I’ve ever experienced. It’s my 10 when they ask you how the pain is on a scale of 1 to 10. Giving birth to twins vaginally did not even come close to being as painful as the HSG.

Now I am eying the one hydr0codone pill I have left over from when I had a bad bike accident and wondering if I should take it before I go in.

Monday, June 11, 2012


This post is just verbal vomiting, mostly about my mother, feel free to skip it...

I told my mother about our infertility shortly after we found out that A had CBAVD. She has been...sort of supportive? We're not big on talking about things like this in my family. But in her own completely wrong way she has been supportive, like telling me about laptops or sp.erm mixing or telling me that her best friend adopted and then had a surprise biological child.Thanks Mom, that does not help at all.

There have also been some moments where I have been *really* angry with her.

A year or so ago she gave me an article to read. It was from some Catholic magazine and was an article about what to do if you are Catholic and infertile. ("What to do" was basically be summed up as "we know you want to, but don't do fertility treatments because it makes the baby Jesus cry") Now, my dad is super Catholic. Goes to church every Sunday, hosts a church group in the living room on Wednesdays, takes an old blind woman to church every week, hates that my sister is gay, and protests abortion. My mother on the other hand is not any of this. She was raised Lutheran. Doesn't go to church, hosts a drinking group on Thursdays, hates blind people (well, maybe not this one), joined PFLAG and threatens to donate my dad's collections to Planned Parenthood when he dies.  
She does NOT sit and read through my dad's Catholic magazines.
Ergo, she told my father (despite my request that she not) about our infertility. And he then chose to pass on an article saying that I am going to hell if I do IVF.
What the fuck was the point of that?

Then last fall my mother sat and cried as she told me how much she wants a grandchild. Which...yeah. I would like to provide one of those and can't. So now I feel even worse. And when I say that we can't afford it yet, she says how much she wishes that she could give me the money but that my father wouldn't approve because *Jesus*.
A. My mother has plenty of her own damn money. My father would never know if my mom handed me 10K.
B. Why tell me this? Seriously, it just makes me feel worse and it makes me angry with you. I didn't ask for money but I feel disappointment because you are saying "Oh, I want to give you money" then "But oh, I won't because your father somehow makes the decisions about my own personal money." WTF Mom. I didn't ask you for the money because I didn't want the disappointment of hearing you tell me no so you do it for me?

So that's pretty much where we left it, other than random comments about how much she wants a grandchild, at which point I grind my teeth and say nothing.

And then.
(The timing on this is amazing - seriously, nobody other than a very few close friends and the entire Internets know that we are finally starting IVF)

On Friday I took my dad out for dinner. It was his 72nd birthday. My mom had gone to visit a friend and I told A he was welcome to skip out and go see a movie with his brother. So, just me and my father. It was kind of a painful meal because I tried to take him somewhere nice and I think he didn't like me spending money on him so he refused to get an appetizer or a glass of wine or dessert or anything at all expensive on the menu. Also, my father doesn't talk unprompted. At all. Doesn't respond to verbal cues either - you have to ask a direct question most of the time. Having a conversation with him is like puling teeth. On the phone I usually have to ask if he is still there because he doesn't make any verbal acknowledgement of what you are saying.
So after an hour of trying to force conversation we went back to my parents house and sat with teh dogs and watched tv for a bit. THEN he wanted to talk. Since he was now another year closer to death he wanted to know if A and I are going to ever have kids. The few times he has asked this in the past I have sort of mumbled something about "someday" but this time I just said we had some medical issues. "Well, yeah, your mom mentioned that. And said you might need $10,000. Do you know anybody who might have $10,000?"

Oh gee, I don't know dad, maybe you?

I told him I didn't want to ask since I knew he didn't agree with IVF and he sort of shrugged and said he could deal with it and would give me the money. (Oh, before all this he also asked about if we had kids would they be baptized and A and I really needed to go get our marriage validated by the church)
So, what the hell. If he was going to have this epiphany that he is okay with us having IVF (which pisses me off - if you're going to be all hardcore about this shit I WANT it to apply to me too. Otherwise you're just another hypocrite who protest things but doesn't believe the rules apply to them.) couldn't he have done this like two years ago?

Anyways, long story short, now that we have the money saved up, my dad has offered to pay for IVF.

I told him to hang on to it and if IVF didn't work for us I would hit him up for adoption money. 

Edit: I should note, I love my parents and we generally have a good relationship, this was just such awesomely bizarre timing that my head exploded.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Tap-tap-tappy fingers

Just random things while I sit here and ignore work

1. I am terrible about being patient, especially in the short term. I waited years to do this, so you'd think these next few weeks would be a breeze. But I am like a crack addict in withdrawal. I want to start injecting things and it's making me itchy that I have to wait another week and a half. Like, PHYSICALLY itchy. I'm finger tapping and clock watching and not really interested doing much else.

2. The last time I took birth control pills was in college. I was not-exactly-dating this guy that I was acting with in a play (and who gave me a complex about my calves after he asked me if I could "do something" about them.) Anyways, we had a bit of a scare after a c0ndom broke, which got me into the doctors office for some bcps. I stayed on them for about a year. That is the extent of my birth control experience. Taking them now I am having some slight cramping, which is not bad, just surprising. If simple birth control makes me crampy I am already giving the side eye to the rest of the drugs. I have a feeling I am going to grumble a lot.

3. As I was leaving the house this morning I saw that I had gotten something in the mail from the doctor. I was thinking it was maybe my test results in writing, but it was a bill for $75. They had submitted my visit to the insurance company, who of course denied it. I kind of want to call the office and talk to the receptionist who insisted on copying the card even after I told her that NO REALLY, MY INSURANCE WONT COVER IT and tell her to take my card out of the file. My eyes just rolled so hard when I saw they did this that if it happens again they will probably get stuck that way. And then I would be infertile and blind.

Okay, now we get to the real part, at which I am terrible. Apologizing.

4. I am so sorry. I was a real asshole for going off and abandoning blogging like I did. Finding this community was one of the best things that ever happened to me and it was rude to drop off the face of the earth without so much as a how d'ye do.

It became overwhelming to focus on something that wasn't going to happen anytime soon (see #1 about patience) and I felt like I was falling more and more behind.
Behind on life. Behind on having anything to contribute. Behind on keeping up with other blogs and commenting.
But I should have wrapped up a little better. I am going through my reader and catching up with people's lives (dude, some of you had like two or three babies while I was gone!), but a lot of my old friends stopped blogging.

Some were an official end, announcing that they now had a child or had come to terms with a new direction in life without children and felt that they were ready to stop blogging. Some I have kept up with in real life or facebook.

Others left me hanging in the middle of IVF cycles or everyday chatter. It's like walking around a house and seeing that somebody was in the middle of dinner or reading a book or paying bills when *poof*...they disappear and never return.

I hope they are doing well, all my old friends. That they found peace and joy, that their lives turned out okay, even if they got pushed down a path they hadn't planned on walking.

Monday, June 4, 2012

AMH does not mean anti-malaria

I was sort of hoping (aka: ignoring any possibility to the contrary) that since A's infertility was such a big freaking diagnosis (no sperm) that I would magically be some sort of superstar egg maker. I mean, we started trying when I was pretty young, right? I have a totally clockwork cycle and all that jazz.
So while waiting to finally start treatments has sucked, I was kind of thinking - eh, at least I am still reasonably young so I should most likely have a bunch of kick ass eggs dancing around being all like "Hey! Come make me into an embryo with that ICSI micropipette you sexy lab beast!"

I started my bcp. Got my tentative schedule. I had my labwork done a week ago on CD 4 and they called with the most of  the results last Friday.

My estradiol was 41 (hoorah), my FSH was 6.8 (baller), my CF test was negative (doctor has concerns that A has a CF based genetic mutation, so whew!).

And then this morning they called (left a message about something-something-low malaria-something-garble-garble, so I had to call back and ask them why they were testing for malaria) and said the last test was...not great. And not about malaria but eggs.

My AMH is .81, which, according to The Internet, is either:
A) Low but not the worst ever or
B) My eggs are as rotten as Hamlet's Denmark

The nurse said that the doctor wanted to talk to me about adjusting my meds. I will do that later today.

So...anybody have any AMH stories?

Update: So, the doctor doesn't seem that concerned about my AMH, just thinks I'll be doing more drugs. I am not totally convinced, but feel slightly better than I did driving home this afternoon alternating between laughing hysterically and sobbing until I suddenly had to pull over and throw up my lunch. My stork apparently got a double tap to the head. Ridiculous.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Oh for REAL?!

So, this IVF cycle I am about to do was a long time coming. To recap: After A got the diagnosis of CBAVD we managed to get the money together for a MESA and putting his sperm on ice. Didn't have all the money for IVF, but we had a plan to save it. Then A lost his job and was basically unemployed for a year, so goodbye savings. We started to save up again slowly, but I felt that I was in a bad place mentally. Now we finally have money and I feel good so we get to play embryo roulette! The tentative date (assuming everything magically works the way we hope it does) we are looking at for transfer is July 14th. I just finished our annual convention at work, my next project is end of June and easy, after that I am good until August when I am going to be a bridesmaid. So, totally golden! Middle of July is perfect! Until about five minutes ago when A got a call. A's dad has kidney failure. A's sister got tested to be a donor. She is a match. Yay. They just scheduled the surgery for July 15. And A's sister's husband just left her to live with his boyfriend(!) and forgot that he is a father. So they need us to take four children for a week or two. On July 14. ............................... We can *totally* make this work, right?