Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Tap-tap-tappy fingers

Just random things while I sit here and ignore work

1. I am terrible about being patient, especially in the short term. I waited years to do this, so you'd think these next few weeks would be a breeze. But I am like a crack addict in withdrawal. I want to start injecting things and it's making me itchy that I have to wait another week and a half. Like, PHYSICALLY itchy. I'm finger tapping and clock watching and not really interested doing much else.

2. The last time I took birth control pills was in college. I was not-exactly-dating this guy that I was acting with in a play (and who gave me a complex about my calves after he asked me if I could "do something" about them.) Anyways, we had a bit of a scare after a c0ndom broke, which got me into the doctors office for some bcps. I stayed on them for about a year. That is the extent of my birth control experience. Taking them now I am having some slight cramping, which is not bad, just surprising. If simple birth control makes me crampy I am already giving the side eye to the rest of the drugs. I have a feeling I am going to grumble a lot.

3. As I was leaving the house this morning I saw that I had gotten something in the mail from the doctor. I was thinking it was maybe my test results in writing, but it was a bill for $75. They had submitted my visit to the insurance company, who of course denied it. I kind of want to call the office and talk to the receptionist who insisted on copying the card even after I told her that NO REALLY, MY INSURANCE WONT COVER IT and tell her to take my card out of the file. My eyes just rolled so hard when I saw they did this that if it happens again they will probably get stuck that way. And then I would be infertile and blind.

Okay, now we get to the real part, at which I am terrible. Apologizing.

4. I am so sorry. I was a real asshole for going off and abandoning blogging like I did. Finding this community was one of the best things that ever happened to me and it was rude to drop off the face of the earth without so much as a how d'ye do.

It became overwhelming to focus on something that wasn't going to happen anytime soon (see #1 about patience) and I felt like I was falling more and more behind.
Behind on life. Behind on having anything to contribute. Behind on keeping up with other blogs and commenting.
But I should have wrapped up a little better. I am going through my reader and catching up with people's lives (dude, some of you had like two or three babies while I was gone!), but a lot of my old friends stopped blogging.

Some were an official end, announcing that they now had a child or had come to terms with a new direction in life without children and felt that they were ready to stop blogging. Some I have kept up with in real life or facebook.

Others left me hanging in the middle of IVF cycles or everyday chatter. It's like walking around a house and seeing that somebody was in the middle of dinner or reading a book or paying bills when *poof*...they disappear and never return.

I hope they are doing well, all my old friends. That they found peace and joy, that their lives turned out okay, even if they got pushed down a path they hadn't planned on walking.


  1. As someone who read your blog before when you were still "active" and never deleted you from my reader feed, I just wanted to say that I don't think you owe anyone an apology for abandoning your blog. We all do what we need to do to get through this sh1tstorm called infertility with our respective sanities intact, and if not blogging for months (or years), is what you needed to do, then that's that.

    I, like you, have often been curious about bloggers who've just "walked away" mid-story, as you describe, but I tell myself that their latest cycle was a success and they're so happy and busy being moms that they don't have time to post. ;-)

    Who knows if that's true, but that's what I tell myself. LOL

  2. I agree with S. I don't think you owe anybody an apology. An explanation is nice, but also not entirely necessary. I think all of us that have been through infertility understand the necessity of taking a break once in awhile.

    I'm glad you're back to trying, and I know how hard it is to be patient. Now that you're ready to move forward, you want to move forward already!

    Gotta tell you, the BCPs are like tictacs compared to the other drugs. But, worth it. It's all such a funny little memory now. Not funny ha ha, but funny like, "did I really go through all that?" Crazy. Whenever I go through a tough time, I reflect on the fact that one day it will be history. And I'll look back and remember when...

    I was determined that my insurance wouldn't cover anything, either, but you know what? Some really weird stuff they did. It can't hurt. Goodness knows every penny counts when you're footing some pretty significant bills. They paid some of the drugs, and some of the tests. And a lot of the stuff that was IVF related once I was actually pregnant, even for the ones that didn't take.

    I'm rootin' for you girl. And I'm still posting, but on my parental blog. A lot of the stuff makes Facebook so don't worry about trying to catch up. :)

  3. I've had you in my reader forever, I'm assuming originally I found your blog through someone else's blog from the WebMD TTC boards way back years ago.

    I always wonder what happened to people too when they just quit blogging out of no where.

  4. Ehh, I wouldn't worry about apologizing. I think we're all a pretty understanding bunch about all of this. Me, I've been (almost) continuously blogging since 2007. Yet maybe there were some periods where I should've stepped away instead of embarrassing myself/offending folks I didn't mean to offend, etc.

    I am curious what your drug protocol is going to be. The BCP phase always seems so ridiculously dumb and weird to me. I used to call that time the "Stupid Month" before the cycle really begins. I also was never a big hormonal birth control taker, preferring instead to feel all "empowered" and cool with my oh-so-retro diaphragm. Which, it turns out, was all just for fun anyway!

    Patience. Ha. What's that? I never had any to begin with, but after (finally) having a kid I have like 1/100th of that amount now. Which really, really makes cycling especially awesome.

    Anyway, SO happy to have you back. I love your humor. I feel like there aren't as many IF blogs around anymore that have much of that -- everyone seems so serious. Which I can understand. It's just that I have to laugh at this crap or I will go crazy.

    Looking forward to updates!

  5. Girl, I'm just glad to see you! (Read you.) No apologies necessary, IMO. I'm just too damned tired to post very often.

    Cycling is just about the most emotionally difficult thing I've ever been through. The physical aspect is nothing in comparison. A coworker just had her second ivf cycle in a row cancelled, and I felt like I was having flashbacks talking to her about it. Started tearing up. I'm glad you're writing again. The support I got from the ALI community while cycling was truly the glue that held me together.

    And, yes, as Tracy said, let them submit everything. Coding can make a difference if they don't use infertility codes. You might be surprised to find some things covered.

  6. Welcome back! I know I read your blog for at least a year before you went on hiatus, although I'm not sure how much I commented. But yes, as the others have said, no apologies needed -- I always keep inactive blogs in an "inactive" folder on my Google Reader. I occasionally click through to see if the link still works & if so, they stay in the folder. It's always great to see a new post from an old favourite pop up again. : )

  7. I agree with everyone else, no apology necessary! I'm glad you're back. I hope shortly you'll have a little one as a reason for not blogging!

  8. You do what you need to do deary. You do not owe us that much. Compartmentalize and prioritize where you need to. Family and real life come first. :) As well as your sanity of course.

    I am disgustingly happy, so you may not want to read me anymore. ;-P

  9. I stopped reading blogs maybe a year ago in the craziness of my life. I must tell you I am overjoyed to happen upon you here again. You have kept me up way too late skimming your updates and I am now too giddy for you to sleep. So glad those that go poof can reappear. And so glad I read these posts before seeing your pregnancy announcement on FB! So, so happy for you!