Monday, June 11, 2012

Timing

This post is just verbal vomiting, mostly about my mother, feel free to skip it...

I told my mother about our infertility shortly after we found out that A had CBAVD. She has been...sort of supportive? We're not big on talking about things like this in my family. But in her own completely wrong way she has been supportive, like telling me about laptops or sp.erm mixing or telling me that her best friend adopted and then had a surprise biological child.Thanks Mom, that does not help at all.

There have also been some moments where I have been *really* angry with her.

A year or so ago she gave me an article to read. It was from some Catholic magazine and was an article about what to do if you are Catholic and infertile. ("What to do" was basically be summed up as "we know you want to, but don't do fertility treatments because it makes the baby Jesus cry") Now, my dad is super Catholic. Goes to church every Sunday, hosts a church group in the living room on Wednesdays, takes an old blind woman to church every week, hates that my sister is gay, and protests abortion. My mother on the other hand is not any of this. She was raised Lutheran. Doesn't go to church, hosts a drinking group on Thursdays, hates blind people (well, maybe not this one), joined PFLAG and threatens to donate my dad's collections to Planned Parenthood when he dies.  
She does NOT sit and read through my dad's Catholic magazines.
Ergo, she told my father (despite my request that she not) about our infertility. And he then chose to pass on an article saying that I am going to hell if I do IVF.
What the fuck was the point of that?

Then last fall my mother sat and cried as she told me how much she wants a grandchild. Which...yeah. I would like to provide one of those and can't. So now I feel even worse. And when I say that we can't afford it yet, she says how much she wishes that she could give me the money but that my father wouldn't approve because *Jesus*.
A. My mother has plenty of her own damn money. My father would never know if my mom handed me 10K.
B. Why tell me this? Seriously, it just makes me feel worse and it makes me angry with you. I didn't ask for money but I feel disappointment because you are saying "Oh, I want to give you money" then "But oh, I won't because your father somehow makes the decisions about my own personal money." WTF Mom. I didn't ask you for the money because I didn't want the disappointment of hearing you tell me no so you do it for me?

So that's pretty much where we left it, other than random comments about how much she wants a grandchild, at which point I grind my teeth and say nothing.


And then.
(The timing on this is amazing - seriously, nobody other than a very few close friends and the entire Internets know that we are finally starting IVF)

On Friday I took my dad out for dinner. It was his 72nd birthday. My mom had gone to visit a friend and I told A he was welcome to skip out and go see a movie with his brother. So, just me and my father. It was kind of a painful meal because I tried to take him somewhere nice and I think he didn't like me spending money on him so he refused to get an appetizer or a glass of wine or dessert or anything at all expensive on the menu. Also, my father doesn't talk unprompted. At all. Doesn't respond to verbal cues either - you have to ask a direct question most of the time. Having a conversation with him is like puling teeth. On the phone I usually have to ask if he is still there because he doesn't make any verbal acknowledgement of what you are saying.
So after an hour of trying to force conversation we went back to my parents house and sat with teh dogs and watched tv for a bit. THEN he wanted to talk. Since he was now another year closer to death he wanted to know if A and I are going to ever have kids. The few times he has asked this in the past I have sort of mumbled something about "someday" but this time I just said we had some medical issues. "Well, yeah, your mom mentioned that. And said you might need $10,000. Do you know anybody who might have $10,000?"

Oh gee, I don't know dad, maybe you?

I told him I didn't want to ask since I knew he didn't agree with IVF and he sort of shrugged and said he could deal with it and would give me the money. (Oh, before all this he also asked about if we had kids would they be baptized and A and I really needed to go get our marriage validated by the church)
So, what the hell. If he was going to have this epiphany that he is okay with us having IVF (which pisses me off - if you're going to be all hardcore about this shit I WANT it to apply to me too. Otherwise you're just another hypocrite who protest things but doesn't believe the rules apply to them.) couldn't he have done this like two years ago?

Anyways, long story short, now that we have the money saved up, my dad has offered to pay for IVF.

I told him to hang on to it and if IVF didn't work for us I would hit him up for adoption money. 

Edit: I should note, I love my parents and we generally have a good relationship, this was just such awesomely bizarre timing that my head exploded.

9 comments:

  1. A painful way to get there, but in the end it's good. Right?

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  2. So many things I could say, but the bottom line is that sometimes our parents are disappointing. I've come to accept that my parents will never be the people I wish they could be, but all I can do is accept that and resolve to be the best person I can be in spite of them. It was kind of a grieving process to get through that, but I'm much better for it...

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  3. Epiphanies don't always come when we want them to, do they? Sounds like your dad has finally realized that grandchildren are what he wants, regardless of how they get here.

    Parents are who they are - products of an earlier time with different ideas. Sometimes, they have crazy ideas.

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  4. I'm sorry for the continued shin kicks. I think The Fresh Prince said it best, "Parents just don't understand."

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  5. Ugh! Rant away, hon. I get it. There's a reason I didn't tell my mother I was pregnant until I was 16 weeks along.

    This WILL work. Then you can tell your parents you'd like the 10 grand for a college fund. :-)

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  6. I really like Dora's suggestion about re-channeling any possible money from your folks into a college fund!

    Our IVFs for #2 have actually been (mostly) funded by my deceased father and my deceased grandmother (he died, without a will, just 4 months after her, having just inherited some money from her, some of which I finally inherited after 2-plus years of nightmarish red tape... I need a glass of wine just thinking about it all).

    Anyway, it's been quite a gift that we are fortunate to have. But it is strange, because when alive my family were totally not the sorta folks who would've given us money for fertility treatment. Not out of spite, really, they just never really "got" it all and I think things like IVF were really creepy and strange to them. Especially since I was adopted (and grew up Catholic too.. good times).

    I am proud of you guys for saving, though -- that is awesome.

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  7. Seize the good part: You've got $10k in the bank!

    Ah, parents. I found my (crazy) parents much easier to deal with when I just started accepting them for who they are and what they can offer, rather than wishing/hoping/praying they would turn into the kind of parents I would conjure up for myself if given the option. It made our relationship so much easier. Good luck with yours!

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  8. I so wish we lived closer, so much in common do we have - even our names. I get it, I totally get it. Grew up Catholic (converting to Judiasm now and My Grandama who I love likes to tell me that I am disappointing Jesus with this decision - Oy Vey). Anywho, now that I have time and space between me and the WHORE that infertility is that robbed me of a sweet little one I can seey that I struggle with processing my feelings and realize that my parents say things, based on thier feelings - not logic, reality or considering my feelings. I hope that helps and again, so wished we lived closer - at least even in the same state. XOXO- K

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  9. I know this sounds weird but...close friends who are catholic and take their religion seriously made sure to use all their embryos (they kept it a secret from their parents). With her last embryo she actually had a FET, and was told by her dr to have a D&C, she said no and wanted to give it a few weeks, now she has a daughter. My DH is catholic (I'm lutheran) and I couldn't bear to have my embryos destroyed so I donated them to another infertile couple. The whole Cathlic/IF stuff sucks.

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