Monday, July 23, 2012

9dp3dt and pretending to be normal

Yes, I have been peeing on sticks. Peeing and peeing and peeing. They have all been stark fucking white of course.
95% of the time I am okay, but I have had a few minutes of ugly crying as silently as possible in the bathroom.
Having the nieces means that I am:
A. Mostly wrapped up in actually living, as opposed to staring at posts where everybody got their BFP six days after their three day transfer.
B. Trying my damnedest not to fling myself onto the bed sobbing. I don't need to be pegged as the "crazy aunt"

I remember seeing one of those ecards (or whatever they are called -the ones that have the old fashioned people on them with some witty and/or stupid statement). This one had a lady laughing and said something like "You didn't really think IVF would work on the first try, did you?"

There are a few good stories out there, I know, but each day sucks a little more hope. Not that I had a lot to begin with. I sort of felt like this cycle was going to be a bust. I *expect* those white pee sticks every day. I mean, I couldn't possibly be lucky enough to get a baby, could I? That would be too fucking simple.

I should stop writing about my pathetic negative feelings. It's making me cry and people keep walking into my office.

(Yes, I know I should also stop peeing on sticks, but let's face it. I'm in too deep now.)

In happier news, my SIL and FIL are both doing well after their surgery. (My SIL donated a kidney to my FIL last week, which is why we have our nieces.) They got out of the hospital yesterday and are supposed to spend a couple days at the hotel before they fly home Wednesday. We're bringing the girls back on Saturday.
For some reason I thought to put the girls in day camp last week, but not this week. I think I was thinking they were going back Wednesday. they both really liked day camp and it was great because it wore them out completely. We'd chill after I picked them up, then we'd eat dinner, take showers and they'd go to bed at 8:15 or so. Completely zonked out. This weekend we went to the park, the library, a play, and to get some braids.

The five year old told me last week "Grandma said not to let Aunt Io do our hair." Which is a good call. I can hardly handle combing my own hair, I definitely don't know what to do with their hair beyond teasing it out and making references to Angela Davis. But the eight year old went swimming at day camp without a cap on and her braids came loose. Irreparably so.

She had a couple days of poofs in ponytails, but it kept coming out on top and wasn't a very workable solution. So I asked a friend where to go and she sent me to an African hair braiding place dead in the middle of the ghetto. (I live in the ghetto, but in like the suburbs of the ghetto. There is a Starbucks and a hipster brewery about five minutes away. And people don't get shot quite as often.) It was really interesting to go into the hair braiding place (and shoe, clothing and incense store. They were diversified.)

Despite the fact that the women working there were talking about me (ladies, I may not speak your language, but I sure can tell if you keep glancing at me and gesturing towards me with your head) they were very nice, if frustrated that I couldn't tell them exactly what type of braids I wanted her to have. (I felt like an idiot for not having researched beforehand. It hadn't occurred to me they would want more direction than "Give her braids that will last at least a week and look appropriate on a child.") N ended up getting cornrows that sort of met where a ponytail would be. She was very happy. 

This week, A took Monday-Wednesday off work, I am taking off Thursday and then on Friday they are going to go have a sleepover with A's younger brother, who also lives in Indy. Which is good, since that is beta day. And if it's a 0 I am going to need that night to be kid free.

Edit: I know it is quite possibly too early to get a second line. But rationality has never been my strong point.


  1. Too soon... At 10dp5dt my line was pretty faint on an early first response. And my beta was like 400 something!

    Hugs, hugs, hugs!!! It's so stressful.

  2. Happy to hear that your family is doing well after the surgeries! Good luck with this week...hopefully it will somehow fly by for you. Fingers are still crossed for you. :)

  3. I'll be the asshole that asks - what brand are you peeing on?

  4. I am peeing on EVERYTHING. Well, just two types - FRER and internet cheapies.

  5. I am skipping right to try ti calm down with the pee sticks. Pumpkin had a beta of 96 at 14dpiui. And I barely saw enough of a hint of a second line to make me call to get the beta. (clinic didn't give them unless you got a positive test- torture!) I used the expensive first response kind too.
    Im glad you have the nieces when you need them & they are out when you could (hopefully not) use a kid free night of wine.

  6. Keeping you in my thoughts - yove got boatloads of hope and happy sunshiney stuff :) My pee wouldnt have been strong enough to show up on a stick either with O-man since my 1st beta was only 35! BIG calming hugs - I know this wait is so hard...

  7. Keep breathing. You are so not out of this race. Big hug! xoxo

  8. Thinking of you! Keep your head up and try not to let it get to you.
    internet hugs....

  9. So early. These women that get early positives are freaks of nature. And I suspect half the time they're really just hallucinating a line early, and then coincidentally it turns out to be positive later.

    When I was, precisely, 9dp3dt I was getting stark white negatives and began the spiral down into nervous breakdown land. Less than a day later, the second line started showing up. You're still very much in the game.

    Waiting BLOWS. If you were physically in front of me I would hug you, pinch your nipples and slap you in the face for good measure. So pissed you don't live closer.

    Also, I think we should get cornrows.

  10. Oh honey, I know how much this sucks! It is early, but at least you know the trigger is out of your system and any + you see will be the real deal.
    Love you 2ww sista!

  11. What a hell this is. You wrote about it so perfectly, though. I am sorry, and wish I could think of something awesome to distract you. Instead I'll just offer my own asshat anectode (which, hilariously, doesn't really comfort even ME anymore as I do new cycles).

    As you may know, I had a negative, snow-white peestick the evening before the beta that eventually became my son (he started out at with a measly beta of 27). And those were the fancy-expensive peesticks too.

    Keep hanging in there, like that kitten in the poster :)

  12. Hiya! Hang in there, kid. The fat lady hasn't sung yet.

    It wouldn't have occurred to me to request a specific type of braid, either. And I love that the five year old told you what grandma said!!

  13. Love ya, dude. Thinkin' about you.
    This is a hard time, I know.

  14. Patience...

    That's funny that you have to go to the ghetto to get the braids done. The town where I work is a couple miles from the serious ghetto, and is mildly diverse, but there are several braid places there. And a couple tattoo parlors. And all the chain restaurants, hotels, and the mall. I guess it's just a full service town.

  15. Sending love. You sound like an awesome Aunt! I only have nephews... 5 of em! It's great to have them though.

  16. "I couldn't possibly be lucky enough to get a baby, could I? That would be too fucking simple."

    Exactly how I felt/feel. Exactly