Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Scattered

I am not sure how I am doing. I feel like I am handling everything pretty well, but I think it's because I have put myself on a timeout for a week. After this week we will sit down and figure out the future, but for right now I am trying not to focus on anything at all.
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The house seems strangely quiet without our nieces. Al drove them back on Saturday. He wanted me to go with but I didn't feel great and couldn't see spending nine hours in the car as helping my bruised ass at all. Instead I sprawled on the couch reading a book and occasionally crying because I am a moron who thought saving up for a failure of an IVF for three years was a good idea.
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I have had three friends on facebook give birth in the last week and a half and two more are going into labor any day. It's awesome that my failure coincides with the biggest baby boom my friends have ever had.
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My friend that is getting married was kind of overreacting to a small issue on Saturday and decided to get married after all. I think they have bigger issues and will be divorced within two years but I also know nothing I say will be heard at this point. I tried to listen and ask thoughtful questions and let her know I'd support her no matter what. Hopefully I am wrong about their future.
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I need to lay out the options on Sunday. If my parents are still willing to give us the money, do we try IVF again? Or do we start the process towards fostering or adoption? I think A would be okay with being CF but that is not an option for me right now. I don't think he would be okay with donor sperm, but what about donor embryos? I feel like we are starting back at the bottom of the well. I was so focused on IVF for so long and now...I just don't know. I hate it.
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My birthday is on Thursday. For the first time I am not looking forward to it.

35 comments:

  1. I totally know how you feel. All I could focus on when we had the BFNs was how much money we had spent, and also how I wasn't ready to stop. The money, as you know, has been a huge issue for us. In fact it's what's holding us up right now. I also know the feeling of having babies all around you. Three years ago, around the time of our failure, or we were between cycles, three friends had babies within 3 months of each other. And I hosted all of the baby showers. Nothing like torturing myself. LOL.

    Anyway, take the time to grieve. Then think about your options. Don't be proud. Take the money. I did. Twice. Don't assume you know what A's response would be. He might surprise you. As you know we're going down the donor embryo route, once we get the funds (and for us it's not a huge amount), because I need to give it one last kick at the can. After that...well, I don't want to go there right now. LOL.

    Hugs to you both.
    Come visit!

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  2. There really aren't words. I know that you will be an awesome mother someday, and I hope that you and A can agree on a reasonable path to get there.

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  3. Do you have a WTF appointment scheduled yet with your RE? Might be helpful to have that info before you try to sort out what's next.

    If I win the lottery this week, the first thing I'll do is donate to your fertility fund.

    Hugs.

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  4. Happy Birthday... :/

    It was probably good to have some time to yourself. Decisions about these things suck. I'm sorry you have to make them.

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  5. I so wish I could take you out for a drink or three!

    The time out seems like a good idea.

    Your friends have stellar timing! Geez!

    So, I dont know how much it will help, but when o think about all we went through to get our girls, the BFNs, the miscarriages, all of it... I'm ok only because I know that if one of those went differently, we wouldn't have THESE kids. And it's these kids that we were meant to have. Is that crazy? Maybe it's just the way I rationalize all that we went through, but it just makes sense for me to see it that way.

    So... mayme that failed IVF was just a step towards whatever firm of parenthood that works out for you guys.

    Thinking of you.

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  6. Ugh! Typos! Commenting with my phone sucks! Sorry.

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  7. Io, it is a hard hard place to be in. The hope that this was the solution, the realisation that it isn't, and now having to scrape up energy to figure out what might be the next attempt at a solution. The emotional energy that goes into that process, while dealing with the emotions of the loss of THIS opportunity. The figuring out of practical details, like finance etc. It's just all so overwhelming. And then having to deal with the baby boom on the sidelines. And re-adjusting to the lack of your nieces. This is all bringing up painful stuff for you. I would be in bed under the covers on the phone to my therapist and on my second box of tissues right about now. Take it one step at a time, there is a LOT going on here. Process this loss for a while before burdening your heart and mind with more decision making. Take it easy, cry a shitload and pamper yourself. Your heart needs a damn good hug. And happy birthday for tomorrow even though you don't feel happy. I completely get THAT situation. xx

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  8. Please just take your time and take care of yourself. This was the hope of hopes- I know how that can start to feel. I wish I knew how to manage the devastation when your hail Mary doesn't work.
    Know you aren't alone and all of us are sending all the good karma we can into the universe for you. I hope that in time you and A get tour game plan together- I know you will. You two have been through so much, you can make it through this.
    Lots of love to you.

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  9. I am so, so sorry. I really do know how much it sucks when the first one fails. JUST happened to me.

    Lots of love and good vibes for you, lovely.

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  10. Wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. Sending you lots of positive energy and hugs. Take good care of you.

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  11. It's really not fair that you have to make these decisions. I'm so sorry. I hope that you can come to a decision that will make your heart feel light. Hugs

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  12. Wanted to make sure I popped over to say Happy Birthday! *hugs*

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  13. So sorry this so-long-anticipated cycle went south. It is Just. Not. Fair. Try to kind to yourself for a while, and don't feel you have to decide anything on a specific timeline. Just go with your heart. And I agree with PP, don't be too proud to accept the money if someone wants to help you. Best wishes. xoox

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  14. We took money from my parents for our first IVF, it was a big fail as well. As humbling as it was to take the money, I don't regret it. Maybe instead of taking money, you can sell them shares in the future grand kids. Just make sure to keep a controlling interest! The grief right now is strong but it will become more manageable. Best of luck in the future.

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  15. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Take all the time you need to heal. Hang in there. Hugs xoxo

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  16. Happy belated birthday. :-/ I agree with Pam, take the money. But if you ever want to talk about donor embryos, I'm here. Big, big hug. xoxo

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  17. Hey, happy (late!) birthday to you, lady. My birthday is coming up soon, and it's kinda bumming me out. As much as I do love cake, I really hate moving down a notch on my clinic's stats charts.

    Very much looking forward to your next update, and hope things are going okay. Here for you anytime!

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  18. Happy belated birthday - been thinking LOTS about you <3

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  19. I'm so sorry for the shitty timing of the baby boom and the fact that money has to be such a huge deciding factor in all of this. It's just not fair that IVF isn't covered for couples who have such a clear medical need for it. It's wrong, wrong, wrong.

    Just the fact that you *can* put yourself in time-out and take a break from thinking about it means that you are a strong person and that you're going to survive this. And do take the money if it's offered...

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  20. Popping over to see how you are doing. Thinking of you.

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  21. Kinda late to comment here, but I just wanted to give you a quick ((hug)) and tell you how sorry I am this cycle didn't work out :(. Happy belated birthday! Hope it managed to be half-way decent.

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