Sunday, July 8, 2012

Secret handshake

When I started blogging again I tried looking through my old reader to see who was still around. A lot of people I followed had quit blogging. Some people I had kept in touch with, some I remembered well, a few I hardly remembered. (If I havent stopped in to say hello, tell me to do that!)

I was sad to see that a lot of blog friends that I hadn't kept in touch with were no longer blogging. Nancy was among them. I had almost friended her on facebook a few times, but I am always afraid of friending other people on facebook. I'll accept friendships if I know you vaguely from high school but I always feel like if I try and friend somebody else that they will roll their eyes and click ignore. Especially after I have dropped off the face of the blogging earth. Now I am angry with myself that I didn't click "friend" because she really was. I reread some of the emails we sent back and forth and laughed and cried. She was warm and sassy and felt like the coolest big sister a girl could ever find online. I wish that she had been able to stay forever safe in the golden haze of my memory. Nancy, I'll be rocking out with my socks this week and thinking of you.

And I will have plenty of sock wearing in the next week. I had my second scan on Saturday and my follicles were working overtime. The eight on the right all grew so I have an 18, four 16s, a 15 a 14 and a 13. She said they had recruited were more but didn't measure them. On the left I now have six: an 18, two 16s, a 15 and two 13s. So I am going in tomorrow morning (Monday) for the last scan and triggering tomorrow evening for a Wednesday retrieval.

I can definitely tell at this point that I have some full ass ovaries. I'm not going to lie: I am wearing maternity pants today. (From a garage sale, I couldn't pass them up for $1) None of my regular pants are fitting unless I want to feel like the waistband is getting ready to pop my ovaries. I went to a friends birthday party last night and walked around in a dress looking guttastic and not really caring. It was sort of best girlfriends were there and they all know about the IVF, but in general I havent told the whole world. But then another friend made a joke about me being pregnant (I was talking about my hair turning curlyish) and it was one of those record scratch moments where we all looked at him. then I had to tell him so he didn't feel bad. And then another friend referenced it in front of her boyfriend so I gave an impromptu explanation to half the party about what my ovaries are up to these days.

Part of me wants to be total normal about it, because I talk about everything else, so why should infertility be taboo? It's not the only thing I want to talk about, but it's a pretty big part of my life, especially right now as I go into a bathroom at the party to mix up my menopur and inject that (burning! Why the fuck does it feel like ACID?) medicine into my stomach before I go back out to drink more tonic water and chat. IVF shouldn't be sometng that anyone is ashamed of. I tell perfect strangers, but then I have never much cared what random people think of me.

But at the same time, I don't want *everybody* in my little world to know because what do I say if it doesn't work? Or I miscarry? Normal people don't have to worry about announcing their every reproductive move and there is a reason they don't announce as soon as they get knocked up.
Also, one of my friends mentioned that she had remembered my blog and looked it up to read. So, I better stop talking trash about her. (hehe, love you Melly)
I know I am jumping around a bit, but the last random thought I had...has anyone ever talked the other women in the waiting room? I want to say hi, but am afraid I will offend somebody or something. Dont laugh at my lameness, but I brought Life from Scratch with me to my last appointment thinking it could serve as a secret code to anybody else who reads IF blogs and wanted to start a conversation.
One of the things Nancy and I had emailed about was having a secret IF handshake so we could recognize fellow IF bloggers. I could use that now.


  1. GOOD LUCK this week! Thinking of you, and sending up prayers, good wishes, or whatever else you want/need. :)

    I never knew what to say to anybody in the waiting room, either. It was always a lot more awkward than I really thought it needed to be.

    Keep us posted, will you?

  2. I can't wait to hear how those follies are doing tomorrow. Holy frizz, girl -- you'll be transferring sometime within the next WEEK.

    Y'know, I have seriously prayed and hoped for so long that eventually, you and A would be able to finally get your chance. It's taken such a long while, but it's finally here. Now that it is, there is almost a surreal sort of quality about it.

    Once I took MY long hiatus and then came back on a new blog and with a new angle, I hit the breaks on IF blogs. I still read here and there, but I didn't immerse myself in it as I did in the days of I'm a Smart One. I couldn't. But you, dear Io, I always came back to see if YOU'D come back. I wanted to know that you weren't still stuck, while the rest of us had moved on in one way or another (some with good results, some with not-so-good results, but at least it was a chance to move somewhere vs. being stuck in the mud).

    I'm rambling. A LOT. And maybe I don't have a point, or at least I can't nail it down properly. But Nancy's passing has put me in the mindset of saying the things you always mean to say before it's too late to tell them to who needs to hear it. So I am really, REALLY glad and happy and excited and all flappy-hands bouncy about you having this chance. And I'm holding my breath and hoping for you like I haven't hoped for anyone or anything in a very long time. <3

  3. Good luck! Thanks for your kind comment on my blog. I share the same confusion about whether to tell or not. A lot of people know my sad reproductive history, but I don't necessarily want to tell all of them about the IVF because, yeah, if it doesn't work then there will be a lot of "Oh, I'm sorry," conversations that I"m not sure I want to have. So I'm telling all my friends, but no one at work. Yet. Dreading the pregnant-esque belly though. How do you hide it in the summer?

  4. Your ovaries are rockin'!

    I always wanted to talk to the other people in the waiting room too - but it just felt really weird, like no one (including me) wanted to admit that we were there. If I had seen someone with either of Mel's books though, I would totally have started a conversation!

  5. I love this post, and I love you! I love how open you're being. You rock!

    As for conversations in the waiting room, generally, no ... but if you're me ... oh, just read this. Realized when I dug up that post for you that Nancy commented on it. Fuck. :-(

    Waiting for your updates, hon. xoxo

  6. Oh! I met one of my dearest friends (another SMC who crossed over when her DE daughter was born during hurricane Irene last summer), over blood draws at the clinic. I was joking around to break the tension.

    I also have a friend I met on IVFC who was cycling at the same time as me, at the same clinic. It was great having someone to talk to in the waiting room. Wonder what the other women thought about us chatting away.

  7. My dear sweet Io. I can not tell you how thrilled I am that you got this amazing report & your follies are wurking it!!!!! In the same vein as our resident gangsta moxie... I am shocked into saying my mind this week. I am sorry I didn't just come out & shout the news, but in all frankness I just didn't believe it. There are a small handful of my internet buddies I count as friends- in the way that I would have you stay at my house friends... And she was one of them. You my friend are another. I am thrilled that you & A are here now and no matter the outcome I am right there with you. My knowledge is not what Nancy's was... She was our resident Dr. Google. But I am an awesome listener and you have my email. Message me if you want my number for encouraging or sympathetic calls.
    As far as the sharing... I never could with Pumpkin. only to the anonymous and vast internets. Its only now that I can share my whole story with no hesitation. I wish it could have been sooner. I can only imagine that there would have been less isolation because I have found so many women who have had some experience with IF. If I had half of Nancy's balls I would have said something, or smiled or invited some interaction in the waiting room at all those early morning appointments.
    After all- we lose nothing really by speaking. Its staying quiet that can keep us alone. I'm sorry if this is rambling. I'm not myself, yet very myself this week-if that makes any sense!
    <3 you girl.

  8. Dayum girl those ovaries have GOT to be feeling full. Those are some great follicles you have growing in there!! :) YAY!

    Hoping and praying this is it for you.

  9. Very exciting! Thinking my best for you! Unfortunately, I kind of suck at finding time to blog lately. The little one has ratcheted up the attention need at 2.5, and I'm cool with that. :) I have no idea how super cool women like Miss Moxie (;-) work and blog and keep it all together. In any case, I hope you have that same beautiful issue soon. So happy to see you still keeping us up to date.

    I talked to people in the waiting room.... not always, but I could often tell by how they looked at me (usually furtively) if they wanted to converse or not. That's how I met one of the sweetest, most genuine women I know. I saw her twice in the same acupuncture office before we started conversing though.

  10. Nancy will definitely be missed. I wondered when she stopped blogging a while ago, but she had always come back to it after breaks, and I just figured she'd start posting again soon.

    As for sharing the IF news, we are quite open about our IF struggles but a good deal more guarded about the actual dates involved (to the point that I "padded" my first due date by almost a month to everyone except my husband and mother. I really, really, really didn't want people writing to ask if I'd had the baby yet, which they most certainly did the second time even though he was freakin' only a day past his due date). I know that some people love the support, but there is something about having to answer face to face questions that can be jarring, even when the news is good. I would be a bit careful of telling everyone the exact retrieval dates, beta day, etc. Even a vague "we're trying to get pregnant" can explain your beverage choice, etc.

    Yay for retrieval this week.

  11. Sounds like your ovaries are doing a fine job!

    I'm not much of a talker, so I never had the urge to talk to people in the waiting room. But I think the secret handshake is a good idea.

  12. Oh wow. Good luck on ER and ET hun! As for the choice between telling and not telling, it's really up to you and what you're comfortable with. For me it's the latter. I find it easier dealing with the whole process that way :)

  13. I'm really glad to have re-found your blog, it's been such a long time. I'm also really excited for your egg collection- I have such a good feeling about it x

  14. I'm glad you're blogging again, and glad you're moving forward :) I'd been wondering where you were and how you were going when you dropped off the face of the earth.

    I'm not blogging any more, but you're welcome to friend me on FB.

  15. "Me" having formerly blogged at scarredbellybutton. "Me" is probably a bit too vague isn't it lol.

  16. Hoping and praying this is the start of something wonderful.

  17. Excited to see you posting and doing a cycle. I'm still invite only blogging but not as often as I was because of recent ill health. You are still on my invite list. Let me know if you need another invite.