When I started blogging again I tried looking through my old reader to see who was still around. A lot of people I followed had quit blogging. Some people I had kept in touch with, some I remembered well, a few I hardly remembered. (If I havent stopped in to say hello, tell me to do that!)
I was sad to see that a lot of blog friends that I hadn't kept in touch with were no longer blogging. Nancy was among them. I had almost friended her on facebook a few times, but I am always afraid of friending other people on facebook. I'll accept friendships if I know you vaguely from high school but I always feel like if I try and friend somebody else that they will roll their eyes and click ignore. Especially after I have dropped off the face of the blogging earth. Now I am angry with myself that I didn't click "friend" because she really was. I reread some of the emails we sent back and forth and laughed and cried. She was warm and sassy and felt like the coolest big sister a girl could ever find online. I wish that she had been able to stay forever safe in the golden haze of my memory. Nancy, I'll be rocking out with my socks this week and thinking of you.
And I will have plenty of sock wearing in the next week. I had my second scan on Saturday and my follicles were working overtime. The eight on the right all grew so I have an 18, four 16s, a 15 a 14 and a 13. She said they had recruited were more but didn't measure them. On the left I now have six: an 18, two 16s, a 15 and two 13s. So I am going in tomorrow morning (Monday) for the last scan and triggering tomorrow evening for a Wednesday retrieval.
I can definitely tell at this point that I have some full ass ovaries. I'm not going to lie: I am wearing maternity pants today. (From a garage sale, I couldn't pass them up for $1) None of my regular pants are fitting unless I want to feel like the waistband is getting ready to pop my ovaries. I went to a friends birthday party last night and walked around in a dress looking guttastic and not really caring. It was sort of weird...my best girlfriends were there and they all know about the IVF, but in general I havent told the whole world. But then another friend made a joke about me being pregnant (I was talking about my hair turning curlyish) and it was one of those record scratch moments where we all looked at him. then I had to tell him so he didn't feel bad. And then another friend referenced it in front of her boyfriend so I gave an impromptu explanation to half the party about what my ovaries are up to these days.
Part of me wants to be total normal about it, because I talk about everything else, so why should infertility be taboo? It's not the only thing I want to talk about, but it's a pretty big part of my life, especially right now as I go into a bathroom at the party to mix up my menopur and inject that (burning! Why the fuck does it feel like ACID?) medicine into my stomach before I go back out to drink more tonic water and chat. IVF shouldn't be sometng that anyone is ashamed of. I tell perfect strangers, but then I have never much cared what random people think of me.
But at the same time, I don't want *everybody* in my little world to know because what do I say if it doesn't work? Or I miscarry? Normal people don't have to worry about announcing their every reproductive move and there is a reason they don't announce as soon as they get knocked up.
Also, one of my friends mentioned that she had remembered my blog and looked it up to read. So, I better stop talking trash about her. (hehe, love you Melly)
I know I am jumping around a bit, but the last random thought I had...has anyone ever talked the other women in the waiting room? I want to say hi, but am afraid I will offend somebody or something. Dont laugh at my lameness, but I brought Life from Scratch with me to my last appointment thinking it could serve as a secret code to anybody else who reads IF blogs and wanted to start a conversation.
One of the things Nancy and I had emailed about was having a secret IF handshake so we could recognize fellow IF bloggers. I could use that now.