Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Waiting....waiting...waiting...

I keep typing things and then being unable to really figure out where the story is going...I guess it just rambles.

Saturday felt weird and rushed and like it went on forever.
The embryologist gave us the picture of the two embryos being transferred and slipped into the middle of the conversation that there were no embryos to freeze. It was this weird casual gunshot in the middle of the conversation. I felt like screaming "STOP! I need a moment to grieve."
I didn't, of course. I just bit my lip hard and tried to smile while she talked about how she graded Starbuck and Apollo, what degree of fragmentation they had and that she was going to do some assisted hatching, and wasn't this exciting?
But just like that, after all the follicles I had, we ended up with truly one shot at IVF. There will be no hail mary through FET. And while I know that Starbuck and Apollo could stick around (please please do, kids) I know that they weren't super looking embryos. We don't have a fifty percent chance. We maybe have a 20 or 30 percent chance.
It just doesn't seem fair for her to slip that information in like it wasn't going to hurt.

I haven't cracked open a bottle of wine or stopped taking my vitamins, but I am not feeling terribly hopeful.

(I haven't had a two week wait since A was diagnosed four and a half years ago. I don't know how people do this each month.)

I gave A all the suggestions, but he thought he'd have until Monday to made the CD, so the last minute CD all came from things he had on his computer.
Started off with a little dialogue from Rocky IV:
Now you're gonna have to go through hell, worse than any nightmare that you ever dreamed. But in the end... I know you'll be the one standin´.
You know what you gotta do. Do it


Then of course some Rocky theme music. The doctor and nurse liked that. I did some arm pumping and interpretive dancing in the stirrups since nothing was clamped down on my cervix yet.

Of course we only got through a couple more songs. (Queen's You're my Best Friend; The Killers' All These Things That I've Done - The first is "our song", the second is the song I listen to when I need to feel motivated)

They also made me go to the bathroom and pee just a little because my bladder was too full. Making somebody pee *just a small amount* when their bladder is that full is cruel. I was holding it okay until then. After that it became torture. Their bedrest policy is 20 minutes there, take it easy afterwards with no heavy lifting.

I zoned on the couch for a few hours, tidied up the guest room a bit, A left to get the nieces, and I met up with the bachelorette party at dinner. (Contrary to my expectations, the bride was very nice about my flaking on being the driver.) The waitress was terrible and the food was okay (entrees are generally $30 or so, which is definitely on the high side for Indy) but we had a pretty nice time sitting outside. I am sort of a peripheral member of the friend group, so a couple of them (there were only six of us) I don't see that often. I hadn't met J's new wife, who is super cool (and who later kindly gave me my progesterone shot at the bar) but I definitely approve. More interestingly, they had just had their first adoption meeting that morning. So, hopefully I get a kid, they get a kid, the bride gets a kid (they are going to start soon), and the other two girls...well, they are done with kids but one is getting a new kitchen! So, pretty exciting all around.

I stayed for a bit at karaoke drinking Sprite, getting a shot in the butt, and watching J's new wife totally and unfairly kick ass at karaoke (professional singer - not fair) then skipped out in time to see the nieces off to bed.

Took the nieces to the park and shopping for food and shoes on Sunday (then had to go buy more clothes yesterday evening after realizing that my SIL had packed all of two shirts for the 5 year old to wear for two weeks.) This week they are in day camp, which seems like a wonderful invention. They were so tired yesterday that they went to bed with no protest despite the fact that it was still light out.

Shit, I typed all the above and it's still only Tuesday.
Did I mention that this 2ww stuff sucks?

 

16 comments:

  1. I still am so impressed with your progesterone shot in the bar. That is seriously bad-ass.

    I swear, after what I've seen both in real life and in the 'internet infertility world', I do not put much stock at all in how "great" an embryo looks before they stick it in you. I really do think I've witnessed more examples of not-so-stunning-looking embryos becoming babies than great-looking ones. But maybe that's just because, typically, us IF-ers aren't typically 19 yrs old and the most reproductively olympian in our gametes to start with... I dunno.

    Anyway, yeah, this time SUCKS gigantic big ones. I would recommend isolation in one of those sensory deprivation tanks maybe? I think if you can stay busy and avoid symptom-watch, that's awesome! Also, I dunno... I am in the not-testing-early camp now. Will be curious what you do there.

    Regardless, hang in there. I'm right there with you in having to abstain from booze (me, because of meds), so yeah I know the pain. Keep us posted!

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  2. We did assisted hatching too, on our mediocre embryos, and, well, you know how it ended. Hang in there. Easier said than done if I remember correctly.

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  3. I agree, PIO shot at the bar is definitely BAD ASS!

    I've got lots of hope for you guys!

    I second the keeping busy suggestion.

    Keep us posted and hang in there. You just never know!

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  4. Sounds like the nieces will keep you busy...

    Much luck.

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  5. The 2WW blows. No getting around it. Pure torture. I totally agree about the way you were told about the lack of embies to freeze. Really insensitive. But I'm hoping so hard that one or both of those beauties hangs around for the long haul. BTW, Sunshine, my former day two embie of questionable quality, was helped out by assisted hatching. You have a very good shot at coming out on the right side of those odds. For now, remember you are PUPO!

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  6. I am still amazed that you got your progesterone shot during a bachelorette party in a bar! You rock! The TWW is miserable and the only thing I have found that helps is to stay busy. Enjoy the time with your nieces!

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  7. All These Things That I've Done motivates me too...:)

    Talk about bedside manner. That was a horrible way to give the information.

    Good luck with TWW. You can do it!

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  8. So here is the tips I have gotten so far:

    1. Stay busy.
    2. Read a trashy quick moving book
    3. Watch trashy TV.
    4. Go swimming

    Jendeis recommends accupunture, I am thinking about massage. She also said to shovel or take walks.

    Remember if you need someone to you chat with, shoot me an email. Hang in there.

    Finally, you are such a bad ass... the PIO shot at the bar! Only you.

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  9. Love that you got your PIO shot at the bar, by a lady you just met that night. :)

    It blows that the embryologist delivered the "no frosties" news in that way. Then again, perhaps a lack of bedside manner is why she works primarily in the lab...

    The 2WW sucks. Personally, I found the 2WW between betas and the first ultrasound to be more difficult--probably because the GS was dealing with the symptoms, not me.

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  10. Badass- YOU ARE!!! and I think it's fair to say Nancy was there in spirit! 2WW countdown, don't forget to breathe and hope the days go by fast and talk to those eggies everyday and tell them there are soooo many people who are excited to meet them - so there!

    Hang in there - K

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  11. It isn't fair how she did that. :( wishing all the best!

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  12. You are so much more badass than I even realized! And I love A for making a cd period, much less starting it with Rocky!!!
    2ww's suck no matter what. I was awful at them and obsessed over everything. If you can do whatever you can to take your mind off things it will help. (the hubs is supposed to stop by the post office for me today to help out ;-) )
    Try acupuncture, or massage or anything that helps you stay calm and relaxed (and I know how annoying and impossible that sounds so forgive me)
    As far as the embie quality I am not very knowledgeable... But your hail Mary got me. Our hail Mary was wrapping an iui into a closed challenge test and doing acupuncture. We couldn't afford to even think about ivf and did everything we could- sometimes you ~do~ fall on the right side of the stats. Praying for Starbuck & Apollo & you & A

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  13. Found you through Liddy. Good luck with the TWW.

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  14. Amazing how insensitive they can be. I'm sorry there were no other embryos.

    The TWW is tough. Get acupuncture, if you can. There's some data to back it up. Read genre books (mystery, fantasy, etc.). Play Angry Birds. There are some good timesucks out there. The time will pass...

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  15. I think the embryologists and RE's do this every day, it's so common and not a big deal to them that they don't see things as someone's ONLY or LAST chance. They probably see some of the same people coming back each month, so don't think it's a big deal if you have to do it again. I'm not excusing their behavior AT ALL (drives me crazy having to tell my RE that we can't do IVF!!), I just think thats their state of mind.

    Dude...PIO in the bar?? So.Rad.

    We are now in the 2ww together. It definitely SUCKS. I try to stay away from google, etc...meditate (anjionline.com has some fertility tracks), and relax as much as possible. Easier said than done, I know!

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