I am good at theoretically planning things.
Not actually planning things - that involves details and thought and...um, other stuff that I clearly don't know anything about. No, I mean planning as in "I PLAN to plan things out next week." Man that sounded so good when I thought it. A and I were going to look at all the options to fixing this whole no-kids thing and we'd discuss thoughtfully and come up with the smartest, bestest, most awesomist solution that would end with us being parents.
Except that I am too tired to implement any of the possible plans that involve us getting a child. (Other than the highly illegal "scoop up the 2 year old standing in the middle of the street and take him home" maneuver that I considered a week ago. My neighbors are are awful fucking parents. I stopped my car so as not to run the kid over and it took a full minute before his dad walked out of the house. If I had been distracted I would have mowed a baby down. That would not look good on an adoption application methinks. Also, I hate people.)
Maybe if I write down my thoughts they will become clearer. Or you can vote on them. Or something.
1. Doing nothing. I like this option somewhat as it appeals to my lazy side (which happens to be both sides, front, back and the soles of my feet) but it does not end in baby. Also, A is turning 40 in October and has indicated that he already feels like he is pushing this age-wise. (Not true for everyone, I know. But I think he is feeling his mortality more with his dad's surgery and two uncles passing away within a week of the surgery.) So this option is pretty much out.
2. Donor sperm. Not going to do it. I think even if A were okay with it, I am not comfortable with it. (But for some reason A asked me if we should do donor eggs. I think he does not understand how this works.)
3. Donor embryos. I have to admit, I haven't really given this option much thought. I can't quite wrap my head around it. I think I would rather do IVF again before this, but it would be a possible next step if that failed. Not sure how many biracial embryos are out there.
Mostly it comes down to two main choices:
4. Doing IVF again. I haven't gone in for a WTF appointment. (And really, I think I have about as good an idea as the doctor.) I need to call and make one, but the tired hits whenever I think about it. The actual process of doing IVF isn't a deterrent. Not that I loved shots or bloat or feeling like I had been stabbed after retrieval, but I know what I would be doing and I feel fine about doing it again. And I would love to have a genetic tie to my child and carry a child. But it is expensive and doesn't have a great chance of working. So if it doesn't work, well then fuck.
5. Adoption. The idea of doing foster-adopt scares the SHIT out of me. My cousin has two children that she adopted through foster care but there was a legal battle and over a year of uncertainty. I don't think I could handle having children taken away from me. And international doesn't really call to me for various reasons. So, I think we would want to do a private domestic adoption. Which is hella expensive. Like, more than IVF. Though there are ways to help with that. But still. It seems very *daunting* to adopt. (Though maybe it's like IVF - it sucks but isn't nearly as bad as people make it out to be.)
I've spent the last several days looking at agency sites and reading forums.
How the hell do you chose where to go? And I am pretty sure I would need to like -change houses completely- in order to pass a home study. They would take one look at our damp scary basement that resides in our messy house that is located in the ghetto and check the "Hell no these people can't have a baby" box. Not to mention, I am guessing most first/birth mothers (ack! I would have to become super involved in learning everything I am supposed to do too) are looking to give their kids better lives in better places. Not sure how appealing a white lapsed Catholic and a black mostly lapsed Muslim that live in the ghetto and are super liberal Star Trek lovers would be to an expectant mother.
On the other hand, I have no concerns about not being totally in love with my child. If you handed me a child today and I had to die for it tomorrow, pretty sure I would. And since we are (obviously) not holding out for a non-black child the wait could theoretically take less time. (Once again, assuming somebody picks us despite all the aforementioned drawbacks of being wildly liberal ghetto dwellers.)
So yeah. I don't know what the fuck we are going to do, but I would like to do it soon. (ish.) But my depressed and lazy brain is not cooperating.
In other news... Work has been busy. (Which has also made blog commenting hard - I have had to do actual work! Madness!) The wedding I was a bridesmaid for was fine, though exhausting. A made their cake, so we both took off that Friday and made it in my office (we have a mile of counter space in the office, as opposed to the inch we have at our house) It was a pain in the ass, but it turned out well.