Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Sorry for the drop off the face of the earth there...finding the energy to write something has been kind of difficult. I promise I will come catch up on your lives!

I am good at theoretically planning things.

Not actually planning things - that involves details and thought, other stuff that I clearly don't know anything about. No, I mean planning as in "I PLAN to plan things out next week." Man that sounded so good when I thought it. A and I were going to look at all the options to fixing this whole no-kids thing and we'd discuss thoughtfully and come up with the smartest, bestest, most awesomist solution that would end with us being parents.

Except that I am too tired to implement any of the possible plans that involve us getting a child. (Other than the highly illegal "scoop up the 2 year old standing in the middle of the street and take him home" maneuver that I considered a week ago. My neighbors are are awful fucking parents. I stopped my car so as not to run the kid over and it took a full minute before his dad walked out of the house. If I had been distracted I would have mowed a baby down. That would not look good on an adoption application methinks. Also, I hate people.)

Maybe if I write down my thoughts they will become clearer. Or you can vote on them. Or something.
1. Doing nothing. I like this option somewhat as it appeals to my lazy side (which happens to be both sides, front, back and the soles of my feet) but it does not end in baby. Also, A is turning 40 in October and has indicated that he already feels like he is pushing this age-wise. (Not true for everyone, I know. But I think he is feeling his mortality more with his dad's surgery and two uncles passing away within a week of the surgery.) So this option is pretty much out.

2. Donor sperm. Not going to do it. I think even if A were okay with it, I am not comfortable with it. (But for some reason A asked me if we should do donor eggs. I think he does not understand how this works.)

3. Donor embryos. I have to admit, I haven't really given this option much thought. I can't quite wrap my head around it. I think I would rather do IVF again before this, but it would be a possible next step if that failed. Not sure how many biracial embryos are out there.

Mostly it comes down to two main choices:

4. Doing IVF again. I haven't gone in for a WTF appointment. (And really, I think I have about as good an idea as the doctor.) I need to call and make one, but the tired hits whenever I think about it. The actual process of doing IVF isn't a deterrent. Not that I loved shots or bloat or feeling like I had been stabbed after retrieval, but I know what I would be doing and I feel fine about doing it again. And I would love to have a genetic tie to my child and carry a child. But it is expensive and doesn't have a great chance of working. So if it doesn't work, well then fuck.

5. Adoption. The idea of doing foster-adopt scares the SHIT out of me. My cousin has two children that she adopted through foster care but there was a legal battle and over a year of uncertainty. I don't think I could handle having children taken away from me. And international doesn't really call to me for various reasons. So, I think we would want to do a private domestic adoption. Which is hella expensive. Like, more than IVF. Though there are ways to help with that. But still. It seems very *daunting* to adopt. (Though maybe it's like IVF - it sucks but isn't nearly as bad as people make it out to be.)
I've spent the last several days looking at agency sites and reading forums.
How the hell do you chose where to go? And I am pretty sure I would need to like -change houses completely- in order to pass a home study. They would take one look at our damp scary basement that resides in our messy house that is located in the ghetto and check the "Hell no these people can't have a baby" box. Not to mention, I am guessing most first/birth mothers (ack! I would have to become super involved in learning everything I am supposed to do too) are looking to give their kids better lives in better places. Not sure how appealing a white lapsed Catholic and a black mostly lapsed Muslim that live in the ghetto and are super liberal Star Trek lovers would be to an expectant mother.

On the other hand, I have no concerns about not being totally in love with my child. If you handed me a child today and I had to die for it tomorrow, pretty sure I would. And since we are (obviously) not holding out for a non-black child the wait could theoretically take less time. (Once again, assuming somebody picks us despite all the aforementioned drawbacks of being wildly liberal ghetto dwellers.)

So yeah. I don't know what the fuck we are going to do, but I would like to do it soon. (ish.) But my depressed and lazy brain is not cooperating.

 In other news... Work has been busy. (Which has also made blog commenting hard - I have had to do actual work! Madness!) The wedding I was a bridesmaid for was fine, though exhausting. A made their cake, so we both took off that Friday and made it in my office (we have a mile of counter space in the office, as opposed to the inch we have at our house) It was a pain in the ass, but it turned out well.

They look black here, but the ribbon and flowers were navy blue.


  1. Ooooh! Pretty cake!

    Sounds like you've summed up your options pretty well. Choosing is the next difficult step. Good luck with your decision... Get moving and the momentum will keep you going.

  2. It's tiring isn't it having to go through the process all over again, but I'm sure whatever decision you make, it will be the right one.

    Beautiful cake by the way :)

  3. I'm glad you surfaced. I've wondered how you were.

    Ugh, gigantic decisions!

    I literally want to scream at people who think adoption just totally makes the most sense. As if it's breeding dogs vs. going to the kennel - or that's at least what I think a lot of uneducated people think. I did some minimal research into it and was just as intimidated as I was to do IVF.

    I'm looking forward to hearing what you guys choose.

  4. The cake is beautiful!!

    Such decisions...good luck with figuring out what is going to be best for the both of you. Sending positive thoughts your way.

  5. Holy crap, you made that cake?! Look at you, so fancy. I am even more impressed you didn't just sit down with a fork and a bottle of wine and eat the whole thing yourself, which is totally what I would've done.

    Definitely do not beat yourself up for feeling so tired and beat-up right now. I think the doctors really downplay what havoc a cycle wreaks on your body, and the time it takes to get back to normal after. I swear, once I finally had my son after many cycles/miscarriages, I really needed the maternity leave more for recovering from 2yrs of nonstop fertility treatments (and scary pregnancy time) more than the whole oh-here's-a-baby bit.

    Anyway, I am sorry you are in this place. I am sure you've heard people say that a first IVF is like a 'test' your RE is supposed to learn a lot from and you should expect better results next time, but who the hell knows. I've come to realized much of this is just a gigantic roll of the dice and it has nothing to do with anything.

    We did visit some adoption agencies after a couple failed IVFs -- but I also found it tough to just 'dabble' in looking into it while I also had one leg still planted in the fertility-treatment camp. I know RESOLVE had a cool meeting I went to once about when to stop treatment vx. going for adoption that was pretty neat, but at the time my brain was a big mess and I'm not sure what I got out of it. Everyone there seemed ready to stop IVF, and I was like well, I dunno...

    I'll stop babbling here, but I look forward to hearing what's next. And more importantly, knowing how YOU'RE doing. Hang in there, lady. This is such super sucky-ass shit, but I can tell you that out of all the IF ladies I have met online, and through RESOLVE, etc in the past five years, every single person who really wanted to did eventually become a parent in some way. I know the *how" part is agonizing, though, and not yet seeing that light at the end of the tunnel.

  6. I know how you feel, sometimes just walking into the fertility clinic takes all my strength. Everyone there is great, but I just feel incredibly lame that I am still going there. Ugh. But, we just have to push forward.

  7. First, that cake is gorgeous.

    Second, I'm sorry you find yourself in this space, but the only way through it is through it. Give yourself a little time to sort out what feels best. And do you read Chasing a Child? They adopted their son, and then a donor embryo=their second child ( a daughter). I think the embryo was mixed race. The baby is a baby, but I'm so sleep deprived that I can't remember how they came to find their embryo. If I were to vote, I would say donor embryos. They've always seemed more fair to me than donor sperm or donor eggs--both parents are on level emotional ground in terms of genetics. But then, I'm not you, and you gotta do what feels comfortable. Read a lot and walk around imagining you are pregnant and/or parenting under each circumstance. What feels right to you?

    And thirdly, Eid Mubarak to the mostly-lapsed hubs.

  8. PS Olympics post totally coming, but not quite finished and my laptop battery is about to die!

  9. I just want to say that the adoption process was way less scary than I thought it was going to be! As far as home inspections (& sanitary & fire inspections) go, they are not quite as crazy as I had imagined. They asked about where you keep the dangerous chemicals, checked that stairs could be gated off safely, made sure you had a room for the baby, proper smoke detectors, etc. It was very basic. And I really think that you would be a very attractive couple to a birthmother, despite everything you list as your "faults".
    No matter which path you choose, we'll be here rooting for you :).

  10. It's okay to take a little break and follow your gut. I think it's wise, actually. It sounds like your leading options right now are another round of IVF and adoption. I do think that it's extremely rare to get pregnant on the first IVF and that a good doc can learn a lot from the first cycle.And FWIW, our genetic counselor happens to be an adoptive mom and she told me that her adoption agency was so wonderful and supportive that it actually helped her recover from her TTC experience and that once they got on board, she found the process really hopeful. Just throwing that out there in the hope that the next step doesn't have to feel like a slog for you.

    The cake is gorgeous!!

  11. 1. You are doing awesome.

    2. You don't have to make any decisions right this second.

    3. If you go with adoption - this just in, if I were a birthmother I would DEFINITELY pay close attention to you as I'm sure it's a rather large pile of conservative religious people. Plus, the benefit of being interracial is that you stick out in a sea of white couples.

    4. If you go with another IVF you will rock the shit out of it.