Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Scattered

I am not sure how I am doing. I feel like I am handling everything pretty well, but I think it's because I have put myself on a timeout for a week. After this week we will sit down and figure out the future, but for right now I am trying not to focus on anything at all.
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The house seems strangely quiet without our nieces. Al drove them back on Saturday. He wanted me to go with but I didn't feel great and couldn't see spending nine hours in the car as helping my bruised ass at all. Instead I sprawled on the couch reading a book and occasionally crying because I am a moron who thought saving up for a failure of an IVF for three years was a good idea.
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I have had three friends on facebook give birth in the last week and a half and two more are going into labor any day. It's awesome that my failure coincides with the biggest baby boom my friends have ever had.
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My friend that is getting married was kind of overreacting to a small issue on Saturday and decided to get married after all. I think they have bigger issues and will be divorced within two years but I also know nothing I say will be heard at this point. I tried to listen and ask thoughtful questions and let her know I'd support her no matter what. Hopefully I am wrong about their future.
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I need to lay out the options on Sunday. If my parents are still willing to give us the money, do we try IVF again? Or do we start the process towards fostering or adoption? I think A would be okay with being CF but that is not an option for me right now. I don't think he would be okay with donor sperm, but what about donor embryos? I feel like we are starting back at the bottom of the well. I was so focused on IVF for so long and now...I just don't know. I hate it.
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My birthday is on Thursday. For the first time I am not looking forward to it.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

My friend that is getting married in one week just called sobbing and asked if she could spend the night. I guess I better pull it together so I can be the strong one. Jaysus.

Friday, July 27, 2012

I thought they wouldn't call until the afternoon. They called at 11:30. 
You know what? I am going to have sushi for lunch. And a diet coke.
And then I am going to go home and have a drink.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Nada

BFN this morning, didn't go in for beta, was strangely zen despite the insane number of pregnant women at the zoo. (And they were all like ten months along. There must be some lore about the zoo making people go into labor.) I am just tired of waiting for what I already know. I want to get the official word so I can move on, however I am going to do that. Sigh.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

11dp3dt

Why oh why does my clinic make me wait until 13dp3dt to have my beta? Seriously, it's another BFN this morning and I have a bottle of tequila waiting for my official grieving period. Also, I would very much like to stop getting PIO injected each night. My ass hurts. But even though it's pretty fucking clear that this IVF shit is a bust I am still following the rules. And it sucks.

The other day all the old biddies (by which I mean middle aged male firefighters) that I work with were gossiping that I must be pregnant because I haven't been drinking coffee and I haven't been joining them for beer after work.And dammit, maybe it's not a healthy response, but I want a beer, maybe even need a beer. Or five.

I am taking the day off tomorrow to take the nieces to the zoo. I think I am going to call and see if I can just go ahead and do my beta then - if I have to pay to get this shit done I would at least like to do it when I'm already off from work.
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Time for my only-tangentially-related random story that gets me off of my woe-is-me despair kick.

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So, since I am a moron who clearly still had a teeny bit of hope yesterday I stopped to buy more hpts. I have a ton of internet cheapies, but had used all the fancy FRERs. I don't generally go to Walmart, but I was dropping off my bridesmaid's dress to be altered and it was nearby. (A week and a half before the wedding - I thought I might need to wait in case I was all bloated and happy and pregnant. Ha.Ha.) Anywho, I go into the Walmart, fail to find the peesticks for the longest time, then finally find them only to see that somebody had done bought up all the FRERs! I grabbed Answer brand instead since it claimed to be awesome and had three sticks in a package for $9. Boo Walmart I bring it up to the cashier (along with a few other items - I am like a teenager buying condoms, you can't just buy the hpt because then it is glaringly obvious what you came in for. If I buy other things then it's like "Oh I came in here for these Luna Bars and crayons and hmmm...the hpts just somehow fell into my basket so please don't comment on them."
They always do comment on them though. ALWAYS. I don't know if this happens to everybody or if it's an midwest thing or I just look like somebody who wants to hear what you have to say about my pregnancy test or what. Normally, it's something where they are trying to be nice. They'll say "Good luck" and give me a weird smile and I'll smile weirdly back at that and say "thanks" and run the fuck out of the store.
But Walmart apparently has a special breed of cashier who is friendly in a completely different way.

(Um, if you're super pro life you might want to stop reading now.)

The cashier rings everything up without commenting, then asks if that was everything. The biker dude standing behind me jokes about me buying his beer, I laugh at his stupid joke, joke back and then the cashier goes
"OH! I am so sorry, I usually tell people before I ring it up, but you shouldn't buy your pregnancy tests here."
She then proceeds to (loudly) explain that I could go get a *free* test at the crisis pregnancy center down the street because they are soooo nice and will get you and your baby signed up for medicaid and I just have to make an appointment and BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Seriously. Biker dude and I both sort of stood there waiting for her to finish talking. I'm trying to figure out if she realizes the place she is talking about is one of those creepy anti-abortion places that lies to you about shit and whether I should go say something to her manager about the fact that she is promoting this place and dear god is she ever going to stop talking?

She finally finishes, I stare at her for a couple seconds and then I mutter something that makes no sense, like "Oh, these are for IVF so it's okay. Thanks..."


Despite my complete disgust for "crisis pregnancy centers" I will admit that as I walked out I also spent half a second thinking "I wonder if they use FRERs, it might be worth...nah."


Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Nancy

Man do I ever miss Nancy. I keep seeing her pop up in my google results and everything she wrote makes me happysad.

10dp3dt

Still as white as my legs in the sunlight. Which is to say, blindingly white.


Monday, July 23, 2012

9dp3dt and pretending to be normal

Yes, I have been peeing on sticks. Peeing and peeing and peeing. They have all been stark fucking white of course.
95% of the time I am okay, but I have had a few minutes of ugly crying as silently as possible in the bathroom.
Having the nieces means that I am:
A. Mostly wrapped up in actually living, as opposed to staring at posts where everybody got their BFP six days after their three day transfer.
B. Trying my damnedest not to fling myself onto the bed sobbing. I don't need to be pegged as the "crazy aunt"

I remember seeing one of those ecards (or whatever they are called -the ones that have the old fashioned people on them with some witty and/or stupid statement). This one had a lady laughing and said something like "You didn't really think IVF would work on the first try, did you?"

There are a few good stories out there, I know, but each day sucks a little more hope. Not that I had a lot to begin with. I sort of felt like this cycle was going to be a bust. I *expect* those white pee sticks every day. I mean, I couldn't possibly be lucky enough to get a baby, could I? That would be too fucking simple.

I should stop writing about my pathetic negative feelings. It's making me cry and people keep walking into my office.

(Yes, I know I should also stop peeing on sticks, but let's face it. I'm in too deep now.)
_______________

In happier news, my SIL and FIL are both doing well after their surgery. (My SIL donated a kidney to my FIL last week, which is why we have our nieces.) They got out of the hospital yesterday and are supposed to spend a couple days at the hotel before they fly home Wednesday. We're bringing the girls back on Saturday.
For some reason I thought to put the girls in day camp last week, but not this week. I think I was thinking they were going back Wednesday. they both really liked day camp and it was great because it wore them out completely. We'd chill after I picked them up, then we'd eat dinner, take showers and they'd go to bed at 8:15 or so. Completely zonked out. This weekend we went to the park, the library, a play, and to get some braids.

The five year old told me last week "Grandma said not to let Aunt Io do our hair." Which is a good call. I can hardly handle combing my own hair, I definitely don't know what to do with their hair beyond teasing it out and making references to Angela Davis. But the eight year old went swimming at day camp without a cap on and her braids came loose. Irreparably so.

She had a couple days of poofs in ponytails, but it kept coming out on top and wasn't a very workable solution. So I asked a friend where to go and she sent me to an African hair braiding place dead in the middle of the ghetto. (I live in the ghetto, but in like the suburbs of the ghetto. There is a Starbucks and a hipster brewery about five minutes away. And people don't get shot quite as often.) It was really interesting to go into the hair braiding place (and shoe, clothing and incense store. They were diversified.)

Despite the fact that the women working there were talking about me (ladies, I may not speak your language, but I sure can tell if you keep glancing at me and gesturing towards me with your head) they were very nice, if frustrated that I couldn't tell them exactly what type of braids I wanted her to have. (I felt like an idiot for not having researched beforehand. It hadn't occurred to me they would want more direction than "Give her braids that will last at least a week and look appropriate on a child.") N ended up getting cornrows that sort of met where a ponytail would be. She was very happy. 

This week, A took Monday-Wednesday off work, I am taking off Thursday and then on Friday they are going to go have a sleepover with A's younger brother, who also lives in Indy. Which is good, since that is beta day. And if it's a 0 I am going to need that night to be kid free.

Edit: I know it is quite possibly too early to get a second line. But rationality has never been my strong point.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

5dp3dt

What? Of course I am not obsessively googling. Of coooouuuurse not. Nope, not at all, not. at. all. Except maybe a little. Or a lot.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Waiting....waiting...waiting...

I keep typing things and then being unable to really figure out where the story is going...I guess it just rambles.

Saturday felt weird and rushed and like it went on forever.
The embryologist gave us the picture of the two embryos being transferred and slipped into the middle of the conversation that there were no embryos to freeze. It was this weird casual gunshot in the middle of the conversation. I felt like screaming "STOP! I need a moment to grieve."
I didn't, of course. I just bit my lip hard and tried to smile while she talked about how she graded Starbuck and Apollo, what degree of fragmentation they had and that she was going to do some assisted hatching, and wasn't this exciting?
But just like that, after all the follicles I had, we ended up with truly one shot at IVF. There will be no hail mary through FET. And while I know that Starbuck and Apollo could stick around (please please do, kids) I know that they weren't super looking embryos. We don't have a fifty percent chance. We maybe have a 20 or 30 percent chance.
It just doesn't seem fair for her to slip that information in like it wasn't going to hurt.

I haven't cracked open a bottle of wine or stopped taking my vitamins, but I am not feeling terribly hopeful.

(I haven't had a two week wait since A was diagnosed four and a half years ago. I don't know how people do this each month.)

I gave A all the suggestions, but he thought he'd have until Monday to made the CD, so the last minute CD all came from things he had on his computer.
Started off with a little dialogue from Rocky IV:
Now you're gonna have to go through hell, worse than any nightmare that you ever dreamed. But in the end... I know you'll be the one standin´.
You know what you gotta do. Do it


Then of course some Rocky theme music. The doctor and nurse liked that. I did some arm pumping and interpretive dancing in the stirrups since nothing was clamped down on my cervix yet.

Of course we only got through a couple more songs. (Queen's You're my Best Friend; The Killers' All These Things That I've Done - The first is "our song", the second is the song I listen to when I need to feel motivated)

They also made me go to the bathroom and pee just a little because my bladder was too full. Making somebody pee *just a small amount* when their bladder is that full is cruel. I was holding it okay until then. After that it became torture. Their bedrest policy is 20 minutes there, take it easy afterwards with no heavy lifting.

I zoned on the couch for a few hours, tidied up the guest room a bit, A left to get the nieces, and I met up with the bachelorette party at dinner. (Contrary to my expectations, the bride was very nice about my flaking on being the driver.) The waitress was terrible and the food was okay (entrees are generally $30 or so, which is definitely on the high side for Indy) but we had a pretty nice time sitting outside. I am sort of a peripheral member of the friend group, so a couple of them (there were only six of us) I don't see that often. I hadn't met J's new wife, who is super cool (and who later kindly gave me my progesterone shot at the bar) but I definitely approve. More interestingly, they had just had their first adoption meeting that morning. So, hopefully I get a kid, they get a kid, the bride gets a kid (they are going to start soon), and the other two girls...well, they are done with kids but one is getting a new kitchen! So, pretty exciting all around.

I stayed for a bit at karaoke drinking Sprite, getting a shot in the butt, and watching J's new wife totally and unfairly kick ass at karaoke (professional singer - not fair) then skipped out in time to see the nieces off to bed.

Took the nieces to the park and shopping for food and shoes on Sunday (then had to go buy more clothes yesterday evening after realizing that my SIL had packed all of two shirts for the 5 year old to wear for two weeks.) This week they are in day camp, which seems like a wonderful invention. They were so tired yesterday that they went to bed with no protest despite the fact that it was still light out.

Shit, I typed all the above and it's still only Tuesday.
Did I mention that this 2ww stuff sucks?

 

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Progesterone and bachelorette parties

I wonder if I am the first person in the history of our local dive bar to get an injection in the bathroom from a lesbian I just met that night... Probably not.

Meet the kids

Starbuck and Apollo are now hanging tough in my uterus. Starbuck is an 8 cell B- grade and her Apollo is a 6 cell B grade.
No frosties.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Rocking out with my socks

Last night I got an awesome package in the mail from Dora which contained some super lucky socks and a lovely note from her.
I am rocking out with the lucky socks today in honor of Nancy, who was always supportive and always had the best socks.

Aaaand...I'm going to put them on again tomorrow.
I just got a call from the embryologist who said we are on for a 3-day transfer tomorrow. I asked her if the embryos were okay and she kind of hesitated and said they were a little slow and fragmented, which is why they wanted to get them back in the best environment. (Not sure who told her my uterus was the best environment, but we'll go with it.Also, would somebody tell my children that when dividing you should be going for even numbers?! This is what I get for all those years of not paying attention in math.)

So yeah. Tomorrow is going to be interesting.

  • Transfer at 10 am.
  •  At 2:30pm, A leaves to go meet up with his sister halfway to St. Louis and pick up two of our nieces. While his sister is donating a kidney we will have two of the five kids for two weeks. Originally, we were supposed to have all five, then none, now we have just the two younger girls. (Ages 8 and 5) I got them signed up for day camps for next week, so they should have more fun than if they had to come to the office with me all day. The one camp that I found that took five year olds and wasn't either really expensive or far away had no space for an 8 year old, so they are going to different camps, which I feel badly about. 
  • At 3pm I am supposed to be picking up friend to be the designated driver for her bachelorette party. I think I am going to have to back out of some of my duties. The plan was to get pedicures, then have a nice dinner with a small group of girlfriends, then go out karaoking at our favorite hole in the wall that used to be a strip club and is now thankfully smoke free. I am thinking that pedicures sound like a lot of chemicals and I don't want to be out too late. So I will join them for dinner and leave karaoke early. Knowing my friend (who I swear, despite what I am about to say, has a lot of good points) she is going to be pissed and bitch about me not planning my IVF around her wedding plans better. Let me tell you how much I care.
So...I hope you are rocking out with your socks and tattoos out and if you could, send some good vibes/prayers/magical brainwaves/whateveryagot at my slow ass embryos. 



Thursday, July 12, 2012

Songs that encourage knockupedness

On my post-retrieval instruction sheet we got instructions on going into the transfer. The last line about the transfer says:
"You may bring your favorite music CD to listen and relax to during the transfer!"

I was going to listen to Queen's Greatest Hits CD, but perhaps I shouldn't be thinking about my listening pleasure and instead think of the message I should be sending the embryos. After all, my genes do not need encouragement in the Fat Bottom Girls category.

My friend K had a couple of suggestions:

Reunited
Reunited and it feels so good
Reunited 'cause we understood
There's one perfect fit
And, sugar, this one is it
We both are so excited
'Cause we're reunited, hey, hey


Just the two of us
Just the two of us, we can make it if we try
Just the two of us, (Just the two of us)
Just the two of us, building castles in the sky nestling in mom's uterine lining
Just the two of us, you and I


Anybody have any other good suggestions?


Still in the game

Thanks for all the support yesterday you guys! It was nice in my drugged up haze to see people commenting and giving support.

I wasn't expecting my ER to hurt so much! They knocked me out for the actual ER but as soon as I woke up it was like I had been stabbed. I made A stop and get me the prescription for Demerol before we even went home. I arranged about thirty seven pillows on the couch, drank a few gallons of gatorade, ate a couple bowls of Kashi (more protein than an egg! I assume that means it has a lot of protein) and knocked myself out with the drugs.

I feel a lot better this morning. Still a little sharp pain, but it's less and only when I move. My stomach was churning all morning though, waiting for the call from the embryologist. I met her yesterday and she seemed really nice and promised not to pick any funky looking sperm.
At 9:30am I became convinced that she hadn't called yet because they saved the bad news for last. At 9:45 I was frantically googling "eleven eggs retrieved" and reading stories of fertilization gone wrong. (And right, but I ignored those ones as they didn't feed into my fears.)

At 10:09 she finally called. I tried to sound all normal-like on the phone.

Sorry, who is this? Oh yes, almost forgot you were going to call! Why yes, I *am* mildly interested to know how the fertilization went. I wasn't about to puke from nerves or anything, I am a mature adult who recognizes that nothing I do will change anything that happened in the lab OH GOD TELL ME TELL ME!

8 of the eggs were mature, 7 fertilized with ICSI

I am okay with this. I would have liked to have a gazillion eggs, which all fertilized and immediately started tap dancing and dividing, but seven is doable. Seven gives us a good chance to make it to transfer, maybe (hopefully) have a couple left for an FET if it doesn't work this time. I feel neither ecstatic nor devastated.

She wasn't sure yet if we would do a Day 3 or Day 5 transfer -  she's going to wait until tomorrow and check them again before she makes that decision.

Which does make me wonder - do they look like some might arrest? Can you tell at this point that some are crap? That they are ALL crap? Is she thinking we'll need Day 3 because they are all going to go to hell? ...I guess I have my new irrational thing to obsess over.




Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Eggs

Eleven eggs and I think somebody stabbed me in the right kidney.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Triggered

Al gave me the trigger shot yesterday, which was not too bad. (I had the idea doing a muscle shot instead of a SubQ would be a million times more painful, but it really wasn't. I am hoping that the PIO surprises me in a similar manner.) A got home right before he was supposed to inject me, so I got it all prepped and explained what he needed to do.
So, first I tell him to make sure it's all the way up, no air bubbles. Of course, he doesn't brace his fingers properly, just pushes on the syringe as I am telling him to be careful, and sends a tiny squirt up. No big deal, we're doing 10,000 units, it's 95% still there. I tell myself to calm the fuck down.
He does the shot while I talk to him and it's not too bad.
Then this morning I decided to pee on a stick just to make sure that the HCG shot wasn't made of water or something. (And you know...it might be the only time my pee will ever light up a second line. Opportunity not to be missed.)

And nothing. No second line.

This would be the point at which I lost my motherfucking mind.

I asked A about doing the shot and apparently he didn't pull the *plunger* back to check for blood and make sure he hadn't hit a vein. He pulled the *needle* back. A is smart, he really is, but WTF? I was angry at myself for not explaining better, angry at him for not being logical and reading directions, for running late, for not being obsessive and watching videos in advance...at 7:30am I was panicking and pissed. What if he hit a vein and so the HCG shot just...I don't know, whatever HCG shots do when you hit a vein that involves them not triggering you properly for IVF and thus wasting all the money you saved up and squandering your only shot at having a biological child...?!
I ran out to the store, bought another test (the first one was a cheapo that came in a pack of 25 so I could be obsessive as I approached the beta) and peed on it.


And nothing. No second line.

I paged the nurse, then looked at the stick again and there was a second line.Apparently they aren't kidding about waiting more than two seconds after the pee reaches the test area to lose your shit.

The nurse called and laughed and said we are fine.

Edit: No worries, I am feeling okay now, but this morning my brain was on overdrive. Can I blame lupron *withdrawal* for finally going lupron crazy?

Monday, July 9, 2012

Update for my own records someday

Def. going for the trigger tonight. On the right I have three 21s, one 20, two 19s, one 18 and one 17. Plus some undefined "more" that she didn't bother measuring. I have a feeling she only counts the first eight on each ovary. On the left she measure one 21 and four 20s.
I just hope they aren't overripe. Lining is a 12.

On a side note, while I don't begrudge anybody their IVF insurance (my god, I wish I had some of that) I don't appreciate hearing somebody *bitch* about the fact that *every time* you come in for an ultrasound you have to pay a *$35 copay*. Not when I'm paying $450 each time. Ugh. So much for talking to people in the waiting room.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Secret handshake

When I started blogging again I tried looking through my old reader to see who was still around. A lot of people I followed had quit blogging. Some people I had kept in touch with, some I remembered well, a few I hardly remembered. (If I havent stopped in to say hello, tell me to do that!)

I was sad to see that a lot of blog friends that I hadn't kept in touch with were no longer blogging. Nancy was among them. I had almost friended her on facebook a few times, but I am always afraid of friending other people on facebook. I'll accept friendships if I know you vaguely from high school but I always feel like if I try and friend somebody else that they will roll their eyes and click ignore. Especially after I have dropped off the face of the blogging earth. Now I am angry with myself that I didn't click "friend" because she really was. I reread some of the emails we sent back and forth and laughed and cried. She was warm and sassy and felt like the coolest big sister a girl could ever find online. I wish that she had been able to stay forever safe in the golden haze of my memory. Nancy, I'll be rocking out with my socks this week and thinking of you.

And I will have plenty of sock wearing in the next week. I had my second scan on Saturday and my follicles were working overtime. The eight on the right all grew so I have an 18, four 16s, a 15 a 14 and a 13. She said they had recruited were more but didn't measure them. On the left I now have six: an 18, two 16s, a 15 and two 13s. So I am going in tomorrow morning (Monday) for the last scan and triggering tomorrow evening for a Wednesday retrieval.

I can definitely tell at this point that I have some full ass ovaries. I'm not going to lie: I am wearing maternity pants today. (From a garage sale, I couldn't pass them up for $1) None of my regular pants are fitting unless I want to feel like the waistband is getting ready to pop my ovaries. I went to a friends birthday party last night and walked around in a dress looking guttastic and not really caring. It was sort of weird...my best girlfriends were there and they all know about the IVF, but in general I havent told the whole world. But then another friend made a joke about me being pregnant (I was talking about my hair turning curlyish) and it was one of those record scratch moments where we all looked at him. then I had to tell him so he didn't feel bad. And then another friend referenced it in front of her boyfriend so I gave an impromptu explanation to half the party about what my ovaries are up to these days.

Part of me wants to be total normal about it, because I talk about everything else, so why should infertility be taboo? It's not the only thing I want to talk about, but it's a pretty big part of my life, especially right now as I go into a bathroom at the party to mix up my menopur and inject that (burning! Why the fuck does it feel like ACID?) medicine into my stomach before I go back out to drink more tonic water and chat. IVF shouldn't be sometng that anyone is ashamed of. I tell perfect strangers, but then I have never much cared what random people think of me.

But at the same time, I don't want *everybody* in my little world to know because what do I say if it doesn't work? Or I miscarry? Normal people don't have to worry about announcing their every reproductive move and there is a reason they don't announce as soon as they get knocked up.
Also, one of my friends mentioned that she had remembered my blog and looked it up to read. So, I better stop talking trash about her. (hehe, love you Melly)
I know I am jumping around a bit, but the last random thought I had...has anyone ever talked the other women in the waiting room? I want to say hi, but am afraid I will offend somebody or something. Dont laugh at my lameness, but I brought Life from Scratch with me to my last appointment thinking it could serve as a secret code to anybody else who reads IF blogs and wanted to start a conversation.
One of the things Nancy and I had emailed about was having a secret IF handshake so we could recognize fellow IF bloggers. I could use that now.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

1st check post stims

Okay! Follicles and levels checked today. I have eight on the right and four on the left. And my levels are apparently all fine. (I do like that my doctors office gives me all the numbers. I absolutely take them and google and obsess and freak the fuck out, but that makes me so so much happier than if they just said "yes, you are doing fine") So, I am okay with that. An even dozen for today. And most of them are at 11 or 12 (one is at 9 or 10, one is at 14, and maybe one at 13? She gave me the printout but I am not walking ten feet to the table to check) I go back Saturday morning for a check, then I am guessing trigger maybe Monday if I keep progressing about the same. In not as great news, my head might explode before I make it to the weekend. I have a sinus infection and it is breaking me.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

We're all going to die

I love coaching my college kids (speech, not any sort of sport. One of the guys next door apparently had decided that I coach volleyball and said so a couple months ago, at which point my fat uncoordinated ass fell on the floor laughing)

One of the things I don't love about coaching is driving to tournaments. For the most part during the regular season we only travel five or six hours away, but that's a long drive when you're leaving a tournament at 9pm after two days and you've been going since 5:30am. Also, while I don't mind when we get minivans, I hate driving huge Suburbans. And this year they added 12 passenger vans to the fleet.

Turns out that passenger vans are dangerous. In order to drive students in these death traps, all the coaches had to watch a video and pass a quiz for insurance purposes. The video had little segments about different aspects of driving the van and each one basically ended with "if you don't follow instructions you will roll over and die" People. PEOPLE. It is like they made this video just for me. I am absolutely a worst case scenario assumer. Every time I changed lanes in the van I would make all the kids help me triple, quadruple check blind spots before I yelled "We're all going to die, here we go", closed my eyes and changed lanes.

(Okay, I didn't close my eyes.) The kids all found this vastly amusing and one girl did a wicked good impersonation. But I don't think they realized I wasn't completely joking. I would be terribly sore after driving because I was so tensed from being hyper vigilant about the slightest wind gust or being cut off or anything that could possibly kill us. (Because this is what happens when a gust of wind hits the van. You roll over and die.)

This is sort of how I approach a lot of things in life. I assume the worst case scenario. And then when the van doesn't roll over or I don't get fired, I am happy and relieved. And when the worst is true, well...I feel like I have already worked through some of the emotion. So it's not as bad. (This is my theory and yes I totally see the massive gaping batshit crazy flaws in it.)

So this week was awesome in terms of my neurosis. I can only imagine it will get better as the cycle goes on. And by better I mean, oh shit. I took my last bcp on Sunday morning. The doctor guessed I would get it on Wednesday but it didn't show up. Didn't show up Thursday. CLEARLY I was never going to get it. I thought for a half second it showed up Friday so I called and the nurse was like "oh good, come on in" at which point my period stopped. Because CLEARLY something is wrong with me. I had my CD1 check anyways. Okay levels (LH was .95, E was 52, she *said* that was okay) She didn't think I'd get more of a period because my lining was so thin (though Saturday of course my period actually came a little more after I was all, hahahaha silly me wearing these pads in a precautionary manner) and my AFC looked pretty small. She didn't give me a number, but she was pointing them out and it looked like 2 on one ovary and five on the other. I'm hoping there are more and they were just small. Or hiding. Or something. Do they do that on CD0 or CD1? Combining my low AMH levels with this, I have become convinced that most of my eggs are already dead.

In other news...
I started Gonal f this morning. I love the pen. Man, that is a great invention. Menopur starts tonight.
We babysat last night for some friends' girls. It was fun. The youngest was conceived when we started trying at the same time. We had dreams that we'd be able to have kids the same age.
I really need to take my bridesmaid dress in to be fitted. The wedding is a month away. I am going to have to ask them to leave room for bloat, luckily the dress has a weird draping thing in front that should hide it a bit.
A is making granola right now and it smells heavenly. I will ask them to leave room in the dress for a few extra pounds too.