Who Shot My Stork?

Heyya

2010-02-23T17:34:00.004-05:00

In case you were worried, I am not face down dead in a ditch somewhere.

I keep writing sentences right here and then deleting them because they sound stupid so I'll just go ahead and say it: I'm depressed. Terribly horribly depressed.

I have certainly had my moments before - I can't imagine anyone struggling with infertility hasn't gone through at least some period of feeling like the world is crushing your soul - but this has been a particularly brutal and chemical feeling. It is different from the despair I felt when A failed the bar, lost his job, and we used up our IVF savings on paying COBRA. That was awful. This...
A couple months ago I had a bit of a toothache and decided to try putting orajel on my tooth. I dabbed a little on and didn't feel anything so I squirted some more out and managed to get it all over my mouth and tongue and lips. Suddenly the orajel took hold and I felt the fat numbness spreading. It sounds stupid but I thought to myself - this is exactly what my life feels like right now. Just nothingness.
I just didn't have the energy to read or comment on blogs or come up with something to say about my life. I didn't care. I know how important it is to not let yourself get sucked in, so I still went to work, I still coached, I still met up with friends for dinner. I still smiled and laughed and joked and commented on facebook but it was like this big act, like maybe if I could fool everyone else into thinking I was normal that I just would be normal.

Depression is a lot like infertility - it's a medical condition and I shouldn't be ashamed of it, but I am. It seems like it should be easy to get over, but it's not. And just like infertility, it took me a while to accept there might be a problem.
Calliope has been great about gently and firmly pushing me to get help. I saw my doctor the other day and I'm trying out some drugs. She also asked me about therapy. I'm not terribly sold on the idea of formal therapy, though I know it works for some people. I do know that when I was blogging, you all were the best support and greatest advisers I could have wanted. So...I am going to try and jump back in. I missed you guys.

2009-10-30T21:08:00.002-04:00

I want to read and comment and all that, but I've been feeling crappy all day. Then tonight I figured it out. I have a motherfucking UTI. I think it has been years since I had one and guess what? It still sucks.

Also, I am out of Halloween candy.

Anyone turning the lights off and yelling at kids to get off their lawn tomorrow?

Explosions!

2009-10-22T22:03:00.003-04:00

I tried to think of something exciting to do, but I couldn't quite bring myself to try the suggested juggling of fireworks. Though we did have a big kaboom in town today when a tanker exploded on a busy section of highway.

Last night I stayed up until midnight working on a speech and really got into it - I think I did a halfway decent job of fixing it up and I had a lot of ideas for where the student can go with it. It's hard - it's supposed to be a type of speech that is very funny, but this kid is very religious so I can't make my completely off color jokes. I have to keep it clean. I struggled with that a LOT.

Today I went to work and then met my fellow coaches for a drink. We ate some garlic fries. Then at home I had some garlic bread that A made. I am going to smell like a garlic factory for a few days. I am one of those people that has garlic and it just ooooozes out of my pores. But I love it so.

Since being tired and smelling like I rub a clove of garlic over my body after showering aren't very exciting, I am going to tell you about things I like.

_________
Things I Like

A few months or years or decades ago, Calliope mentioned something about wanting to do reviews. And then like a gazillion years after that I thought "yeah, that would be fun because I want to tell the world about my bed!" And now, a lifetime after that, I have decided to tell you about things I like.
Why? No reason. How did I pick these things? Um. I bought them all fairly recently and liked them and thought you might like them too? Why should you care? I dunno. Why am I asking questions that you would probably not ask but pretending to be you while I ask them?
Because it's my blog bitches. Shut up.
Wait. I asked that.

1. Sarah Peyton Mattress. (Who the F is Sarah Peyton? Why doe she make mattresses? I do not know. I do not care enough to google it.) I bought a new mattress as soon as A got a job. We bought a big nice cushiony mattress a few years ago and I made A get a pillow top because I love sleeping inside a marshmallow. The only problem is that eventually the marshmallow became molded to his shape and was killing his back. When he was unemployed and we were daydreaming about being able to buy something other than food and COBRA, the first big purchase he always brought up was a new mattress. So after he got a job I ordered the cheapest memory foam mattress I could find. I hate firm, but I thought for him, I would tough it out.
I fucking love this thing. I sleep so well. Other than a couple days of faint chemically smells it has been a dream. And it was less than half the price of our old mattress once you added in the 20% off coupon I found online. I am totally a believer in this foam thing now.
It probably causes cancer and I just don't care. I will make up for it with my other happy healthy things I like. I give it an A-

2. Sweet potatoes. They are delicious, healthy and easy to make. I give them an A+

3. Kashi frozen meals. For all that I have a gourmet chef husband, I often grab a frozen meal to take to work. I bought some of these when the ghetto Kroger had them on manager's special and they were delicious (although one of guys who lobbies for the P0lice walked in and made comments about the extreme garlic smell after I ate one. Like I said.) Anywho. They were on sale for $3 last week adn i had a coupon for $1 off, so it was still a shockingly high $2, but I got a Mayan Harvest Bake. It was just fantastic. (And vegan!) And unlike any other frozen meal you can get. I like Kashi cereal, but Kashi frozen meals? Off the chain my friends, off the chain. I give them an A.

4. Instead cup. I remember in high school having a friend come up and tell me that her Aunt Flo was coming to visit. She was looking at me really intently and asked me if I had anything. It was like somebody had just told me they owned a cat and then asked if I ate breakfast. I had never heard anyone use a euphamism for menstruation and it took several embarrasing moments before she whispered "A PAD! Do you have a PAD?!" I didn't but I had a tampon, which she declined. Somehow she had been transported from a time when tampons were strange and newfangled and a woman should think twice before putting something up her vag*na. I felt like her when I finally tried the instead cup. I am only vaguely crunchy granola when it suits me, so wearing a cup instead of a tampon or pad seemed very foreign. But being all down with being cheap won me over when I saw it on the clearance table. Hot damn I love it. No matter how thin a pad is, is usually feels awkward and I worry that it has bunched to one side and I am bleeding all over yet another pair of underwear. And my period does this thing where it comes super heavy for a day or two, then stops for a day, then gets medium for another day or two. So inevitably, I end up putting in a tampon on the 2nd or 3rd day only to realize six hours later that I have to pull dry cotton out. Or I pee and then the string is all doing its absorbant thing so I have to take it out and put in a new tampon. But the cup thing? I stuck it in and it was (except for cramps and my desire to kill) just like I was not having my period at all. And I coudl leave it in all day. It is a bit messy to take out, but what isn't? There is also the diva cup which is reusable, so I may switch and get one of those when I run out of these. Am I totally behind the times? I have friends that use this and now I feel like they must have viewed me like I viewed my friend in high school. Hello Me! Welcome to the 21st century. I give it an A-

Okay, fill me in. What am I missing out on in life? (Besides the whole kid thing. I know about that one.)

The exciting life of Io

2009-10-20T23:03:00.004-04:00

Not much happening 'round these here parts. I've been busy, it's just not terribly exciting. I'm coaching college spee.ch this year, which I really enjoy, but it takes a lot of time. Friday night I helped run a fundraiser at the Hall which would have been more fun if I could drink (they had good beer too!) but I knew I needed to get up early. I took the kids to a tournament on Saturday. I left my house at 4:30am and got home at 11:30pm and it's just an exhausting activity. It sounds pathetic to say that since it's not like I was running, but it takes lot of mental effort to judge and comment on speeches all day and try and actually give them something constructive to work on.

Sunday was spent with a tournament hangover, Monday after work I attended the team meeting and then had a coaches meeting, and tonight I coached for a couple hours before coming home. So yeah. I have absolutely nothing exciting to write about unless you are just dying to hear about me working on rewriting internal previews or something. (No, you aren't. Trust me.)
More coaching tomorrow night.
Um. That's it. I'll try and have something exciting happen on Thursday so I can blog about it!

Tattoo

2009-10-15T11:31:00.000-04:00

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Weekend

2009-10-14T22:21:00.004-04:00

I'm slightly concerned: After coaching speech interp events tonight I am thinking I have given the kids pieces that are all about IF. There is the infertility duo, the adoption poetry, and now there is a prose about a woman whose husband had his sperm aspirated because he has CBAVD. It's all totally a coincidence, but I feel like people will wonder how our whole team ended up doing pieces about infertility.

Of course, there was also a poetry program about drinking too much, which I certainly did this weekend. (Totally worth it.)

Several girlfriends and I rented a house on Lake Michigan last weekend. I left work early on Friday and was all stressed out because I was running late. One of my friends saw me and looked terribly concerned and asked me what was wrong. I realized I was stressing out about leaving half an hour late for vacation.

Yeah. So I calmed the fuck down.

I drove up with one other friend (one was supposed to come with us, but had the flu, three were coming later, and one lives in Michigan) and after we finally got on the road with our freedom and massive sugary caffeine-filled drinks, we were both loopy with joy. So loopy that half an hour in, we decided to get tattoos. In the next town we passed.

These fancy iphones and blackberries have their evil side - I was able to google tattoo parlors, find one that had a website and looked decent, and get directions there. We decided that so long as it didn't look scary, we'd be good and then M said "It would be awesome if they had some sort of 'buy one, get one!'"

The tattoo parlor did not look scary and wouldn't you know it - on the door there was a sign that for a limited time you could buy one, get one.

Once we got there (about the time the late group was supposed to arrive - whoops! We were supposed to get dinner ready) it was fairly late and we couldn't find the key for a while, but eventually we got into the house that I will buy when I win the lottery. It was nothing terribly fancy, but it was fantastic.

And being there with these amazing women was unbelievable. We drank wine and ate and curled up in front of the fireplace to watch movies and sat in the hot tub and ate and walked on the freezing cold beach and drank wine and ate and went to the little town to try on ridiculous hats and buy overpriced pottery. And ate. (We were all in charge of one meal, but each person somehow brought enough to feed a family for a month. And oh, the ginger almond muffins and chicken salad sandwiches and baked sweet potatoes...)

I just can't express what a wonderful weekend it was. The women I was with are all so amazing and strong and funny in totally offbeat ways. It's nice to feel like you can be yourself completely in a group setting without thinking somebody is giving you the hairy eyeball.
We are planning to do this trip every year (and M and I think everyone else should get tattoos, one a year and there can be a bye year next year because there were two this year. Nobody else seemed to jump on the idea though.)

I was thinking there might be another great group of women to do a stress-free weekend with...Wishing4one, are there any nice rental places in Egypt?!

Random thoughts popping into my head

2009-10-08T21:49:00.004-04:00

Well, once again, I should be doing laundry...It's not that I really mind laundry, it's just the fact that I have to go down to the basement to do it. If we're ever fabulously wealthy (or just not poor) I will have the laundry in my closet.
I'm leaving tomorrow for a weekend in Michigan with my writing group girls, although one has sadly been stricken with the flu. I am going for my flu shot at HQ tomorrow morning. Having the flu last year was the worst three weeks - the whole not being able to get enough oxygen thing sucks ass.
Honeycrisp apples dipped in Greek Gods honey yogurt is seriously amazing.
I am in charge of dinner Saturday night and I bought steaks. They look delicious. I'm also making baked sweet potatoes.
While I was shopping, Charlie was getting pissed off about being left at home so he took a bunch of cat shit out of the litter box and put it under a chair in a pile. Nasty.
I coached speech on Wednesday. I have two girls doing a cutting from the play I mentioned before (What They Have) and I joked to the one who is supposed to be pregnant that the last girl I coached in a duo who was playing pregnant ended up GETTING pregnant. So she better be careful. I hope she doesn't end up pregnant.
After I coached them, the one I joked with stayed to work on her poetry program which is about ad0ption. It was totally an infertility themed night, and somehow I ended up mentioning that we were infertile. She gave me the "You should adopt!" speech, which included mentioning her parents had adopted three children. One "only cost $100!" because he was black. Er. Yeah. I was too tired to really respond to that properly.
I got a kick ass pair of brand new Justin boots for $5 at a garage sale.
I am writing on my work laptop which I have been bringing home ever since I dropped and killed my macbook. I'm hoping our friend can at least salvage my photos, which of course I never backed up.
I love crunchy peanut butter.

Wordless Wednesday. If it works from my phone

2009-10-07T21:19:00.000-04:00

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

My apologies are stale

2009-10-05T08:02:00.004-04:00

Do you read plays?
I started reading plays in high school. Being quite the little drama queen (Shocking, eh?), I got involved with theater. I also did interp events for sp.eech team which involved making cuttings from plays. In college, it was more of the same and I used to spend hours in the dusty stacks of the library (which, as I understand all school libraries are, was supposedly sinking into the ground from the weight of the books) rifling through thin cheaply printed playbooks.
When I went to NYC in August I spent a few hours at the Drama Book Shop flipping through plays trying to find material for the kids I coach. On the shelf of new plays I found one that made my chest tighten as soon as I read the description on the back:

What They Have by Kate Robin
Set in contemporary Los Angeles, the play explores the emotional strains that the decision to have a child -- or the inability to have one -- can put on married couples during the years when a pregnancy can be a tense and potentially traumatic experience, not to mention an expensive one. More broadly, it asks how we get what we want out of life, and how we learn to stop wanting it if we can't get it.

The two couples in the play start with one couple having had three miscarriages and no money to pursue treatment, while the other couple has money and is pregnant and is basically an IFers worst nightmare. But later on, the wealthy friends lose the baby and can't get pregnant again even with IVF, ICSI, etc, while the other couple has finally gotten far into a pregnancy and suddenly forgotten what infertility is like. [Edit: I know most of you have not forgotten, you are all incredible and sweet, it's just this character!]
At one point the two female friends are together and the newly infertile is admitting that they have been trying IVF and failing. After her friend asks her why she didn't tell her, Connie replies:
You don't want to hear about it...trust me. At first you'll feel bad for me, but then, in about ten minutes, I'll be ranting, because I've totally lost my mind, and you'll start thinking maybe I'm a little self-indulgent, what with all the problems in the world, the war and the famine, I can't expect to have everything, and actually now that you think of it, I have gotten everything I ever wanted (which isn't true, at all, but I know you'll think it), so isn't it only fair that this one thing should evade me?Isn't there a really wonderful spiritual lesson, a character building exercise to be found in all this? And the less compassion I feel from you, the more shrill and intolerable I'll become until you'll move past thoughts like "Why doesn't she just adopt?" to "Maybe it's better she not be a mother actually. Some women really shouldn't and Connie's always been a bit brittle, ambitious. She's not nurturing at all. Thank God she can't conceive. In fact, her infertility is yet another proof that God does exist and is always making the best decisions for the greater good."

(There is so much more. If I could buy this play and send it to all of you, I would. It's almost like reading a blog in play form.)

The feeling of almost losing your mind? And recognizing it, being deeply embarrassed by it, but still being unable to stop? I have that.

I'm also embarrassed by my lack of blogging and reading and supporting my friends. But I've played that tune before and my apologies grow stale - I just hope you understand, and if not, well, I understand. (Um, or quite possibly most people barely noticed and are now thinking I should shut up and move along here...)

So I was really busy for a minute there. And then I was lazy. And then I was both lazy and busy. And then I started looking at my reader so I could catch up and it sort of hit me that everyone was pregnant or parenting. (Yes, I know it's not true, but.) On an individual level I am really happy for everyone. I can look at pictures of Calliope's W and fall half in love with him or I can hear about Shinejil's belly growing and be thrilled for her, but it all just sort of adds up somehow.
Also, two of my real life infertile friends posted ultrasounds on their faceb0oks in the last two weeks. And instead of being happy that they had moved beyond, I saw one ultrasound and thought petty dark thought about the fact that all she had to do was a couple IUIs.
I don't want to be a selfish bitch. I just am.

New York was fantastic (and crazy hot - somehow nobody sweats as much as do, I was positively drippy, especially when I walked several miles to a party where I was surrounded by thin gorgeous German women. I think I may have alarmed them with my just-got-out-of-a-pool-with-my-clothes-on appearance.) My best friend L always makes me happy even when we are driving each other nuts. (I try to force her into loving BSG, she tries to force me into loving fondue brunches. She won the fondue argument, I lost the BSG one, but I am convinced it was just because she decided not to love it because I told her she would.)
The best part of NYC was that I got to meet Dora, who is totally a badass and is no doubt going to raise an awesome girl. I wish I had half the cool factor.

Really, not much is new - mostly I'm working. I've been coaching in the evenings, which is half fun and half makes me want to pull my hair out. (Oh sheltered Catholic kids who attend Mass twice on Sundays and use GW Bush as an example of a great president in your impromptu speeches...) I took the kids to their first tournament and taking them to another in a couple weeks where I will hopefully NOT run into A's ex girlfriend who had no trouble popping out a singleton and twins and who hates me despite the fact that she is all happy familied.

Okay, I must get moving now, quite literally, because this house next door that has been on stilts for two months?
They are lowering it today and I don't want to die when it collapses dramatically onto my office, so I'm grabbing up the dogs and heading next door.

Laundry or blogging?

2009-08-13T21:54:00.006-04:00

You win people. I have been a crappy lazy blogger lately, but there is laundry to be done before I leave for NYC tomorrow morning. So clearly, I need to update my blog. Right. Now. (Dora, if you do meet up with me and I look homeless it's because I never moved my clothes into the dryer and I had to patch together fuchsia leggings and neon green cardigans from my goodwill bag. Please don't run away.)(Actually, on second thought I think I want to keep those fuchsia leggings.)

Last weekend was really great. One of those weekends that just makes you feel *content*. A and I went to Pittsburgh to visit my friend E who moved back there last year. (She's the one whose asshole boyfriend dumped her when she was diagnosed with cancer.) I was kind of dreading going because I had somehow decided that it was an eight hour drive. When I realized it was only six and a half, suddenly that seemed totally reasonable!

We left Friday morning and somehow despite my getting us completely lost, made it in time for dinner. E's dad is classic Pittsburgh. He took us all to dinner at the original Primanti Bros. They bring your sandwich out on wax paper and the fries are on the sandwich. Hard to get your mouth around, but once you do...oh lordy. De-freaking-licious.

After we ate we went to a STLCardinals game. Right, they were playing the Pirates, but we were there for the Cards, as it is the family religion. (My mother is a heathen though - Cubs fan.) E's parents have great season tickets in the first row right above the third base line.
I got to see the Pirate Parrot:
The Pierogi(is that the plural too?), as they lined up to race around the field :
And most importantly, my boyfriend Yadier Molina:

The weather was fantastic, there was a breeze, I got to drink Yuengling. The Cardinals won, though considering the Pirates, that's not saying much. Sorry Pirates fans. But it's like how I have to admit that the Pacers make me cry. Or would if I really cared about basketball.

After the game there was a concert by O.A.R.
I didn't know them, but E was kind of a fan and they had a great fireworks show too. The lead singer lost his voice and the band really stepped up to try and put on a great show anyways. (As far as I am concerned, but then I have never been to an actual concert concert. Unless you count the symphony playing Led Zepplin.) Afterwards the band came over to where we were and met fans. They were all extremely gracious, to the point I am thinking I may buy one of their CDs just because of how the sax player stepped it up and because they all signed E's shirt for her.

We got back to E's parents house (she lives with her parents right now) at 1am and enjoyed chocolate milk (I brought Oberweis as requested. Mmm.) and beef bbq sandwiches.

The next morning A and I slept in then had coffee with the family's St. Bernard (so freaking sweet) while everyone else went to E's twin nieces' baptism. After church everyone came back to the house - by everyone I mean E's brothers, their kids, their knocked up girlfriends, their friends, and their friend's knocked up girlfriends. E's dad gave me the "watch out, babies are catching" nudge. Doh.
We had a huge brunch then A and I drove back to Indy in a sugar coma. I do not know how he drove because I was loopy with bacon and cherry pancakes and baptism cake. Maybe it was because he doesn't eat bacon.

We got home and although far too much of the weekend was spent in the car, it was just a really fantastic weekend.

This week was work, which is always fun. The scary house on stilts next door? Is now resting on our gutter. See? My office is on the left, certain death is on the right and all that is protecting me is an aluminum gutter.
I really should go work on my laundry...

But I still have more to ramble on about!

Really!

Um.

I am leaving for New York in the morning and I am really excited for my yearly trip. I usually go alone to visit my best friend. (Except for the year that A surprised me - I didn't get it until I was physically kicked out of the car at the airport by a friend who I thought was taking me to breakfast. I thought he had *accidentally* turned into the airport. I'm not the brightest.)

I'd tell you all about my exciting plans but I don't have any, just a vague idea I might meet up with a couple people and that I need to go the drama store. Gotta buy me some more drama. I'm starting coaching speech next week and I need to find some interp material. I somehow was really surprised today when my boss called to talk about next week because omyfuckingcheescake WHERE did August GO? I'm still living in July.

Laundry. Right.

I don't know why it takes me so long and such a desire to avoid laundry, but I am feeling sort of reluctant to talk about IF. For a supposed infertility blogger, I am pretty good at avoiding anything more detailed than pithy comments about how everyone has a child and I have nothing and woe is me.

A and I had a discussion on our long car drive to Pittsburgh and back. We've not really discussed the whole IVF thing for a while. With him being jobless for a year, it wasn't something that was anywhere within reach so what was the point? Our savings dwindled and he was depressed and I was bitchy. But now that he has a job and is practicing law and our credit cards are paid off, I am feeling itchy again. Not that I don't spend money, but every time A went to play golf or ate lunch out (I bring my lunch every day) I felt myself getting a little more resentful that he wasn't putting every damn dime towards saving. Not that we had talked about it in more than general terms that next spring looked good. I just thought he should KNOW. I mean, I feel crappy enough about this that I have a damn infertility blog!

Something incredible actually happened that made me finally restart the conversation seriously. The incredible Calliope got an email from L who had some, er, "stuff" to donate to somebody who was going to do IVF. And she connected us and A and I now will have a little less to save up. It makes me want to weep with gratitude. (And if you have any mind powers, L's first ultrasound is on the 18th, so send her good wishes.)

So after we talked about where we are, where we need to be, and how we are going to get there, it looks like the beginning of 2010 (barring any crap, which would make me tear my hair out and claw my eyes) is what we are shooting for in terms of IVF. It's going to suck and we are really going to have to be frugal (after this weekend - I reserve the right to spend a couple hundred bucks in NYC), but I plan on having some real shit to bitch about soon. I want to comment on the irony of taking birth control pills and I want shitty lupron side effects and I want to post the obligatory "holy shit, look at all these drugs and syringes" picture.
I'm starting to think I may be slightly masochistic.

Better punish myself by finishing the laundry.

Still alive, kicking

2009-08-04T19:40:00.000-04:00

I'm going to try and type quickly before my computer dies. I broke off the power dealio and A swears that I broke the second power cord over a year ago. Ergh. Not good. But I'm hopeful that the massive tangle of cords that A wouldn't let me throw away has an extra power cord hiding in there somewhere.
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After promising to tell you all about my super exciting time at BlogHer, I was struck down by an evildoer who smeared flu germs all over my bag. At least, Lollipop Goldstein says that's what she did. And I believe her, because I was deathly ill all week. A few days of seventeen hours of sleep and not eating and I am six pounds lighter and still not feeling totally rested.
But before my week that got sucked into the blackhole of sickness, I had an awesome weekend. My old college roommate moved to town a few weeks ago to start law school. (And oh my goodness, tonight she posted on facebook a picture from junior year of us with our other roommate and how young were we!

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DOH. My computer died last night before I got very far. Glad I have a work laptop I can use for a few days until the magic that is ebay sends me a new cord.

I'm not sure where I was going with my old roomie, other than to say that it's exciting to have her in town. A friend of ours who lived across the hall from us freshman year (we were randomly assigned and then had an apartment junior year) came into town because she associate produced a film that showed in the Indy Film Fest, so we all got together and talked about being adults.

The day after we discussed how mature we were I drove up to Chicago where I could be completely immature and act like a teenager seeing sparkly vampires or something. By which I mean I got to meet Emily, Becky, and Melissa, the Stirrup Queen herself!
All three of them are exactly like what you would think meeting them online and it was so exciting to get to meet them in real life. Meeting Emily was like meeting an old friend. Becky was caustic and funny. And Mel is just like her writing - smart and thoughtful and humble. She let me follow her around like a lost puppy and hero worship her, which was very kind. I'm watching for the restraining order in the mail any day now.
Becky had spent the first day at Bl0gHer and was (rightly so) named the funniest damn blogger ever (or something like that) and received this beautiful massive ruby.
She had been invited to some swanky party with a guest list but while she dropped in, Emily and I got to stand out of the rain in the real VIP section. Let me tell you, not just anybody could get past that caution tape. You had to be somebody pretty special to climb over it.

Becky decided not to stay for the second day of the conference and
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Ahem. If you are from the corporate arm of Bl0gHer the rest of this is made up since I don't know if it's kosher
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so I got to take her pass and be her fan club president and pass out her cards the next day! Not only this, but in clearing out her hotel room, she was going to leave behind this guy:

That's right. A Robert Osborne bobblehead. Who's Robert Osborne, you ask? Why, he's the host of Turner Classic Movies. Of course. That's my finger on his shoulder, because we are the best of friends. And I know I look slightly insane, but I was just so happy to be there. Plus, I may be slightly insane.
Who else is good friends with him? Why, Mel is!
That's right, he came to dinner with us. (Though this first picture was actually taken in the bar we went into before realizing that there was nothing we wanted to eat. The waitress was very nice when we decided to leave after drinking our waters.)
Rob hung out with us all night.
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Saturday I met up with Mel again and went to a few of the sessions. A lot of it was over my head or not relevant to me (I don't really care about growing my readership - in fact, who the hell are you people? Mom, are you reading this?! Ack!), but it was interesting to see all these women who feel as passionately about their community as we do about ours. And amusing to see the look of horror when I told the woman next to me that I.have.no.twitter. Gasp.
Of course, it was also sad to sit in a discussion about community and hear somebody say that she was miffed somebody had told her the way to get readers was to comment on other people's blogs. Why should she do that, she wondered.
And I got to go downstairs to get all the silly swag that booth people were handing out. No more Robert Osbornes, but I giddily grabbed everything else I found as though I needed baby food and brown lip gloss.
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Then I went home and was sick for almost a week. I will spare you details.
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This Sunday I had my birthday. We were originally going to have a bbq with friends, but having been sick all week I didn't feel up to it so I just stayed in my pjs all day.

Hmm...what else, what else...

It rained it's ass off today and as I sat in my office with the electricity flickering I was slightly worried about this:
This would be the view from my office porch of the house about five feet away from my office. Perhaps you can't tell what's under that plastic sheeting...

Nothing. Nothing at all. They are renovating the house, which was built in the 1800s, and the foundation work includes lifting the house into the air on two steel beams that are resting on pieces of wood. That are resting in the dirt. That is now mud.

So yeah, no collapse, but I was staying on the far side of my office all day just in case...

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There is a church down the street from me and the new congregation/pastor/whoever fixed it up, which is good, but every time I pass it there are these happy smiley people outside. It's so happy it's starting to creep me out.
----
I'm going to NYC in a week and a half. Anyone out there want to hang out? I'll cry and hug you and post pictures of you with Robert Osborne.
----

Okay, that's all the random totally late updating I have in me for today. There may be developments in me robbing a bank or something coming up though, so stay tuned.

This is too cool

2009-07-25T12:46:00.000-04:00

I will write more when I am not typing on my blackberry's teeny keyboard, but since everyone else at BlogHer is twittery bloggery right now I was feeling left out.
Last night I got to meet Emily from Apron Strings for Emily and Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka. They are both incredibly awesome. Like really really awesome. I will write more about them when I get home and post pictures and what not. Sadly Becky decided to leave BlogHer early and not attend today. HAPPY time though, I have been elected president of her fan club (I was the only voter by the by) and am acting as her rep today. I've been handing out her cards.
I also got to meet Mel. As in THE Mel from Stirrup Queens. Emily and I went and got dinner/dessert with her and we had a good time talking.
I'm sitting with Mel now in a boringish sessionwhere people are asking different random questions. The chick next to me just asked for my twitter handle and was SHOCKED that I don't have one.
My thumbs are getting tired. More later.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Yargh

2009-07-20T18:13:00.006-04:00

I hesitate to use the word "busy" to describe this last week, because it seems to imply work or actual structured events or something. It was just a series of pop-up things that kept me from sitting down to write: My old college roommate moved to town so I took her around one evening to show her where to drink, I had dinner and walked with a friend one evening, the film fest opened and even though I don't work for them anymore, I felt obligated to go to the opening night party to schmooze.
On Saturday, my dad called me while I was at a garage sale with my mom and said that we needed to come pick him up. He'd gone to Cincinnati for a conference and threw himself down some steps on his way in, breaking his elbow, busting his left knee, and bloodying his entire face. Somehow we got him back to Indy, but the day was pretty much a bust. He'll be okay but he can't walk and his right arm is useless. Sunday was spent running errands for my mom.
He tried to get out of bed somehow this evening and ended up falling on the floor. My mom had to call the EMTs to get him back into his wheelchair. She's really upset, because she recognizes that she can't take care of him if this is going to happen.
We'll call tomorrow to see if we can get him in a rehabilitation center or something where there will be professionals to help him as he recovers.
I know he'll get better, but it's a reminder that he is getting old and my mom is going to have trouble taking care of him by herself, even with me nearby to help out.
Yargh.
I'm heading up to Chicago at the end of the week to meet up with the bloggers at BlogHer and hopefully anyone in the Chicago area that wants to find out for themselves that I am not really a thirteen year old boy who just writes an IF blog for shits and giggles.
I'll try and catch up on commenting and emails before then.

How to stop a conversation

2009-07-09T23:47:00.000-04:00

Of course, you already know don't you? Crack a joke about your infertility!
I had my writing group tonight, which was nice as we hadn't met for a while. We generally eat and talk before we write (er, that is *when* we write). Our lovely host has two kids and desperately wants the rest of us to become parents. Somehow she started in on D to get a move on having kids with his wife. He said that they were probably going to stop preventing soon and she said oh it was so much fun, though of course when she and her husband did it they got pregnant the first month both times. So he could only look forward to a few weeks of babymaking sex before they got pregnant.
Naturally I jumped in with "or a few years!" (they all know about our IF).
Strangely, the conversation switched to something else after that. Gee. I hope it wasn't something I said...
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

What? Tuesday already?

2009-07-07T16:49:00.002-04:00

I can't believe the weekend is already over. What the hey?
I worked on Friday, then went out with my friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer. Indeed, that asshole she was convinced was *the one* dumped her. I think in a way she was more upset about that than about the cancer. However, when I (and all the other ladies we were out with) offered to go staple his balls to the back of a portapotty she said that he wasn't worth beating the crap out of.
But if this guy ends up in a river somewhere I won't cry.
And I will make sure I have an alibi ahead of time.

Saturday I was feeling like crappola with a cold and spent most of the day in bed. (And then on the couch watching Battle* Galactic@ - we are over halfway through the third season and we are horribly addicted.)

Sunday we went to Cincinatti for the day to visit a family friend with my parents. A and my dad went to a Red's game, where they watched their beloved St Louis Cards beat the crap out of Cinci. My mom, her friend and I went to Ikea and this awesome grocery store where we bought massive amounts of food for dinner. After we ate, we walked down to Graeters, the most delicious ice cream store ever. Sadly, I didn't have dry ice to pack it in and bring it home. I would fill my freezer with this stuff.
We didn't get home until almost midnight and then I went and got Charlie from his best friends house.
Last night was another late night. I went with some of the Local guys up to beautiful Munc*e to attend a council meeting. Their spiteful mayor has laid off a fourth of the f*refighters up there. I won't go into details, but aside from all the ridiculous political crap, it's just not safe. They are severly understaffed.
Charlie came with so we sat outside, which was fine since the meeting room was full and the A/C hadn't been turned on. Afterwards, a bunch of us went out to dinner and Charlie did a great job of hanging out next to us. Of course, these guys can talk and drink beer forever, so we didn't get home until midnight again.

I suppose none of this is terribly interesting, as I have actually bored myself. But now you know what I've been up to.
I didn't want you to get any ideas.

Oh! And speaking of travel. I am going up to Chicago during BlogHer (July 24 & 25)
Who's meeting me for dinner/drinks/girly things/bizarre happenings?

Coinkydink?

2009-07-02T21:33:00.000-04:00

Just went to the bookstore to buy Mel's book *Navigating the Land of IF* (squeeeeee!). I flipped it open when I picked it up and the page I landed on had a chart for a couple with azoospermia. It looked at the options of IVF w/ ICSI, donor sperm and adoption.
I smiled (how freaking cool is this book going to be?) closed it and bounded up to the checkout.
So. Standing in line...
Both the woman in front of me and the woman behind me had an adorable daughter. Both girls were adopted.
I stood there clutching my fabulous infertility book wondering if the universe was trying to tell me something.
Do you ever question the path you have chosen?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Floored

2009-06-30T19:04:00.009-04:00

What the hell is wrong with me? My brain is clearly wired wrong. You know how women are supposed to forget how bad labor was or something so they'll want to have more kids? I think that part of my brain got rerouted to the home improvement portion of my brain.

A_ went out of town on Friday. He's been planning to have a "man weekend" for over a year. It was supposed to be a celebration of finishing law school/passing the bar. Yeah.
So he finally went off to have it. He drove down to Nashville and a friend of his drove up from Florida and they played golf and went out to a pub and all that not-really-exciting-jazz.

I didn't mention to him that while he was gone I planned on replacing our bathroom floor. Our only bathroom.
Our house was built in the early 1930s and is a small bungalow with some great original bits and some horrid horrid not so original bits. The bathroom floor was dirty stained whitish linoleum that had been placed right over tile, so you could see the pattern pressed through it. I pulled up the linoleum to reveal small tiles in two shades of pink and tiny maroon tiles connecting them. I'm pretty sure it was not the original and was actually put in in the 1950s, so I felt not so bad about destroying it.

I somehow thought that I could:
Rip this up on Friday evening
Put down the new tile on Saturday
Grout on Sunday before A got back.

WHY I thought this, I do not know.

This is my floor Saturday night after twelve hours of prying and scraping up tile.

By the time A got home at 3pm on Sunday I had finished popping up all of the tile except around the toilet. The ancient, ancient toilet.

And being as brilliant as I am, I convinced A that if we took the old toilet up I would be able to pop up the rest of the tile, put down the underlayment, set the new tile and pop a brand new toilet on.
I mean, easy peasy, right?

Ergh.

Luckily my office has full bathrooms with showers and fresh towels and toilets where one can pee. (Oh glorious toilets!)
I finally put in the new toilet last night, though using the bathroom was a problem because we couldn't walk on the tile yet.
I am happy to say the tile is now walkable so once I drag everything out of the bathtub, finish laying some edge pieces and grout the whole thing I'll be done!

_________

Of course...I still have a new bathroom sink in my back closet and I want to rip out the shower surround and retile it...

Testing

2009-06-26T12:18:00.000-04:00

Trying to see if this mobile blog thing will work.
One good thing did happen yesterday - we got our new mattress delivered. For months we had been saying that the first thing we would buy when we had money would be a new mattress. Our old one was four years old and was quite nice for the first year or so.
(This came right after the horrible terrible awful disgusting bed bug period of our lives. I now carefully check my bed everywhere I go.)
So this new bed is a memory foam and I think it will take some getting used to but my back already feels better. It's firm and you can't really shift in bed which I tend to do.
Ok. This is enough inane babbling to make one mobile post.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Fuckshitballs

2009-06-25T19:09:00.003-04:00

One of my really good friends just called and told me she has cancer. Non hodgkins lymphoma. She doesn't know anything yet, just that she has it. She goes in to find out what's next tomorrow morning.
We talked for about an hour and the entire time I tried to stay upbeat because she said it was really hard on her when the people she had told so far got emotional and told her she would be okay. So I tried to let her know I was here for her and joked and talked about her boyfriend (who has suddenly decided that he's not sure he can handle being with her and I swear to GOD I might drive to fucking Pennsylvania and rip his puny little balls right off of him). And the whole time I kept thinking - Shit. Am I going to do the cancer equivalent of telling her to just relax? Am I going to make an inappropriate joke and upset her? Why did I just tell her I signed up to the bone marrow registry as though that means a goddamn thing? What the fuck do I say when all I want to do is wail to the Gods that this is NOT OKAY.
Sorry to unload this here, but I had to get it out. I started bawling after we hung up and needed to get out my rage. I'm supposed to go visit in August. We're going to a baseball game. I don't know if there is anything I can do until then. Anyone ever have cancer? Is there something you would have liked to receive in the mail? Stupid things I should refrain from saying? Anything?

Edit: And Michael Jackson is dead? I feel like I am swimming underwater. This day is not real.

Remember me?

2009-06-24T19:49:00.004-04:00

I was at a garage sale and bought a motherfucking bumbo seat.

For those of you that are not aware, a bumbo seat is this nifty little seat for zee babies.

I saw this seat in its pristine condition and it was a great deal and the people threw in a really cute dog collar for me to give Charlie's best buddy. My mom asked me why I was buying it and I lied. I told her I had a friend that was looking for one. (And no, I'm not coming back to blogging to tell you that I got knocked up and just haven't told my mom yet.) I just wanted one.

I'm sure there is some psychology term for being in denial and having all that crap you try to suppress come squeezing out the cracks somewhere in your life, but my psych class was a huge 8am lecture so I only showed up for the first class and the final. But whatever that is called, my armchair diagnosis came after I bought this motherfucking bumbo seat.

My last post was all about going down to N-ville and having a kick ass time. And I did, people, I did. I drank like my liver was still 20 and I didn't get enough sleep and I laughed. I met a gazillion amazing people and we talked about their films and art and politics and what a dick W*lliam Shitner was for not staying at the party long enough for anyone to meet him. And while I was down there I didn't think about not having kids.

I got back and was reading blogs and it started to feel like every person in the IF blogosphere was either pregnant or parenting. And as happy as I am for each of those friends, I felt like I had to get away for awhile. I wanted to get back to that mental place where I wasn't thinking about kids.

Yeah. That shit didn't work. So I'm back and I am going to be better than ever. (Hmmm..where have we heard that before? Oh. Right. Last time I came back to blogging after dropping off the face of the earth.) Seriously though. If you're reading this on g00gle reader or something, click over and check out my fancy new blog design from Calliope. She did a kick ass job and now I feel all primped and ready to go again. It will hopefully keep me from buying as much baby stuff at garage sales, though Calliope is getting a nice aqua bumbo seat mailed to her.

Let's catch you up to date:

1. A_ passed the bar, which sadly didn't equal sudden and instant wealth or fancy law job. But he did get a job as an associate professor at a university here in town (not the same one he used to teach at.) It pays decently, but nothing extraordinary. But it will keep us from having to beg my parents for a loan or start dealing crack. If we are careful and save, we should be able to try and get knocked up sometime within the next century. (I'm shooting for a year.) He's doing law on the side, though it's slow going to get started and he's spent more then he has made.

2. I am going to have another part time job next year coaching college speech. It doesn't pay massive amounts of money, but it will be really nice to have a team again. They are all good kids and I love the people I will be working with.

3. Charlie is still the cutest dog ever.

4. We took in the mother cat and four kittehs. I managed to adopt out all of them, which was fantastic. I think they all went to good homes and Fat Fluffy (my favorite kitten) and the mama cat are both with people I am friends with on faceb00k and they have posted great pictures.

5. My convention at work was great, other than the night I drank too much tequila (damn guy poured me a FULL GLASS, what was I supposed to do?), had a run in with two whores who didn't understand that nobody wanted to buy their services, and apparently almost got arrested because I was trying to break up a fight between two of my guys by grabbing them both by the collars and shoving their faces together while I growled at them.

6. I am planning to retile my bathroom floor this weekend while A is having a man weekend. We only have one bathroom, so I am slightly worried that we might go down to 0 if I screw this up.

7. I'm thinking about foster care. There is so much to say here that I can't think of what to write. So I will leave that for another post, because yes bitches, I am back to posting.

____________________________
What did I miss while I was gone?

My liver is happy to be back

2009-04-20T19:20:00.008-04:00

Thank you ALL so much for your comments about A passing the bar. It's a big step.

Tomorrow I am going to read through and try and comment on all five million posts I missed while I was gone...tonight I am too tired to do much of anything including type up all the excitement. I will just say that I averaged five hours of sleep a night, drank too goddamn much, and the favorite person I met was the driver for the G*bson bus.
Here are some pictures until my brain is capable of forming words.

On the red carpet with fellow juror Joe and art*stic d*rector Brian

The red carpet in morning before they set up. We were eating delicious cheeseburgers on the third floor.

My favorie guy, Don the bus driver.

Last night I decided that if we were waking up at 5:30am I would cut out and go to bed at 12:30. Which worked until these guys bust into my room at 3:30 am and jumped on top of me.
The fest*val had a tent set up for people with all access passes. It had free food and bar inside. I need a magical tent like this in my backyard.

Wait, my liver disagrees.

We went to a party that you had to have a special invite to and all that jazz. It ended up being lame which was super disappointing. I didn't even see Shat.ner. The food was good though.
Joe again, this time in front of a cool car we saw. It got cooler when Nicole K*dman and her hubby got out of it and walked right past us, but they were really just extra frosting. That building in the back was my hotel, which was awesome so we could stumble back without having to call a cab.

Oh glorious day

2009-04-17T08:32:00.002-04:00

FUCK YES. A passed the b.ar.
I haven't been talking about it because it made me want to puke every time I thought about it. And I couldn't handle any more good wishes. Now I am happy crying and my stomach has untied itself.
OK, going back to bed. It's 7:30 here and I have been up since 6am because I couldn't sleep.

2009-04-13T22:40:00.002-04:00

Ack! Just a quick note to say I'm a bad blogger this week. I'm heading down to Nashv*lle on Thursday afternoon to be on a f*lm fest.ival jury and I'm getting in two movies a night every day after work this week until I leave so I am neglecting all of you. (I may have procrastinated a bit on watching my movies...) And I'm not sure if I will really have time to blog from the festival (I may be too busy partying it up with Bi.ll Shat.ner and Ben Fol.ds - whee! Yay special invite parties! Oh and some country singer I don't know.)
So if you don't hear from me for the next week, I'll be back soon.

Kitteh video

2009-04-09T21:12:00.003-04:00

Oh the kittehs. They make my head esplode with cute. Even my brother was moved to baby talk to them, which shocked the hell out of me. Watch at your own risk.

Holy Crapolla! And SOCKS!

2009-04-08T21:29:00.009-04:00

I have a baby!

Four of them actually.

Ok, so they aren't really mine.

And maybe they aren't actually hoooman babies.

*Warning: I am sure that some of you are going to shake your heads and think or comment on how STUPID my course of action is/was, and I totally accept that, but please try to keep comments along the lines of constructive criticism that I can apply as opposed to telling me what an idiot I am for what is done. I'm already well aware I'm an idiot thankyouverymuch.*
...
This being the ghetto and all, we have lots of stray and feral cats. A few weeks ago this sweet cat started hanging out in our yard and accosting us with love every time he saw us. And meowing loudly for us to feed him.

*Stupid things #1 - should have realized this was not a mean scary feral and taken him to the humane society in hope that he would be adopted or something. But I think the humane society isn't accepting stray cats. And we worried that something would happen and he wouldn't get adopted and would be killed. Does the humane society do this? I don't even know. They are humane, right? But what does that mean?
I didn't put that much thought into it. Like I said, we have lots of strays around here.

*Stupid thing #2 - should not have started feeding him. I blame A for this. He's a softie.
Plus, it put the angry possum in our backyard where it was pepper sprayed by the po po. (We now make sure there is no food left out after dark.)

*Stupid thing #3 - should have realized that it was not a he. A fat he. Because he was a she. A pregnant she.

*Stupid thing #3.5 - should not have let A name her Tiger. No offense to anyone who has named their cat/dog/fish/child/blankie "Tiger"

So I realized that he looked suspiciously like a pregnant she about five or six days ago. And then she disappeared. And reappeared two days ago looking skinnier.

I came home from work today to find her with three itty bitty baby kittens mewling and rolling around. She jumped up to demand food and after she ate, ran off. I babysat for a couple minutes, then she came running back with another mewling kitten in her mouth.

A and I spent all evening watching the kittens and making them a box to live in for a while. It's not very attractive, but it has a warm blanket, it's waterproof, and there is room for Tiger to stretch out and nurse in, unlike the first box we made where she appeared to be laying on top of the kittens who can't crawl enough to get out from under her.She knocked these two out of the small box when she got up to get food. Ack! Wittle baby feets make me start talking wike a MORON.

This one is in the new roomier box with fancy blanket.

So. Maybe when I realized that she was a pregnant she-cat I should have taken her in for a late term cabortion or something, but I didn't. I am an infertile after all. Although I am pro cho*ce. Huh. OK, let's not get too deep, my brain will explode. It's a cat.

So what do I do now oh great internets? I've been trying to read up on what to do. We can't bring them inside - our two cats and dog might now take kindly to them, plus the the thought fleas or feline HIV or something makes me nervous. Apparently we should socialize the kittens to be cool with humans so they can be adopted and not turn into feral cats. But do we try and find them homes? Call the humane society? I just don't know. Tell me.

(One last note...is it wrong that I am sort of jealous of a cat? I mean, the bitch had QUADS.)

____________
Now. For my mush.
I love you guys!
I got some socks. And by some socks, I mean four(!) pairs of very cute socks with hearts and peace signs all over them.
(Oo! I just realized you can kind of see my toenail through there. I just got my first pedicure ever a couple weeks ago because my friend E paid for it as a treat. Bad. So good. Bad.)

I would show you all four, but three of them are somewhere in the great laundry cycle that is the pile slowly taking over my second bedroom. This is because I loved them so much that I immediately
wore them upon tearing open my package from the kick ass Cece. Thank you Cece!!!
You must have known that I don't do laundry often enough and often have a sock shortage.

I had been lurking and occasionally commenting on some ttc & infertility message boards for months when I first found infertility blogs. A had been told by our doctor a few months before he needed to go in to get an SA done as a first step, but he was dragging his feet. I had a feeling *something* was wrong and I guess we qualified as infertile seeing as how we hadn't gotten knocked up despite trying for well over a year. But it wasn't until we finally found out that there was a real solid you-are-definitely-not-having-a-child-without-extraordinary-measures reason that I felt maybe I could join in the blogging. God it was nerve wracking. You guys all seemed SO incredibly cool and interesting and brilliant. For some reason I didn't think I'd be welcome in the club. I felt young and dumb and incapable of writing anything poetic or deep or interesting. It seems stupid, but I still sometimes marvel that anyone is willing to talk to me.
But you do.
I have made some incredible friends. Some have become real life friends, some have become friends that I call on the phone or get presents from, some of you still live in my computer. But all of you have been supportive and affirming and just plain fucking awesome.
Things have not worked out according to plan this past year. We went from hopeful that we could pursue treatment after saving up to being completely poor ass broke. It's humbling and awful and embarrassing. Without you, I honestly think I might have crumbled. Ok, crumbled more than I did. And not been able to pick up the pieces.
I love you.

Hoorah

2009-04-02T12:41:00.001-04:00

Whew. Our beloved VP saw that there was a problem and he fixed it.
And by problem, I mean the fridge was running low on tasty beverages.

He also bought fun size Snickers. I'd show you a picture, but they seem to have (cough) gone (cough) missing...

Checking in

2009-04-01T22:20:00.003-04:00

My little brother (and by "little" I mean 6'2 and 230lbs) is visiting for two weeks from the Czech Republic. He came over to hang out for a while tonight and it was really good to see him as he hasn't been home for a year and a half. He doesn't know what he's doing with his life. He has a job, but it's not really a career. I wish I were able to give him some sort of advice, but I'm afraid I failed miserably in my sisterly duties. So we played Super Mar*o Brothers 3.

Well.
That's about all I have. Sadly (ok, maybe not *sadly* but it means I haven't had anything to write about) we have had no more attempted break-ins, run-ins with the skinheads, or angry possums.

---
A did say something the other night. He doesn't talk much about IF but when he does it makes me sad. He said that if he had known before he met me he probably wouldn't have gotten married. Sure it would have been nice to know, but it wouldn't have changed how I felt. It may have changed how we approached some things with treatment though.

Did you know about IF before you got married/partnered/decided to try? Would it have changed anything?

Ok, here's the plan

2009-03-24T08:45:00.004-04:00

I have magical powers.

WAIT! Where are you going? Don't move your fingers to the mouse and click away from here. Let me explain!

We had a drunk bloody man try to maybe break into our house last night.

See? What did I tell you?! MAGIC.

A and I were just dozing quietly in bed and from nowhere (well, ok, we think he came from the back of our house because him walking down the side of our house is what alerted A) we have a guy trying to look in the windows on our front porch. A called the police who very kindly rushed over, pepper sprayed an angry possum and our grill, and arrested the bloody drunk man. The bloody drunk man claimed he was there because he was told to come to our house for food.

Now, unless he was told that by the angry possum who may or may not be eating some of the cat food we leave out for a stray, it is not true that we indiscriminately hand out food. I mean, if you were hungry and came and knocked on my door and told me "Dude! I read your blog!" I would probably be flattered and hand you half a cantaloupe. But this guy did not appear to be a blog reader and he missed the important step of knocking on the door before attempting entrance.

What, you still don't get the magic part?
See, I figure that I just blogged about how boring my life is and this guy shows up. So whatever I write on my blog, the opposite will happen.

BOY. I SURE AM NOT WEALTHY AND PREGNANT.

(Hopefully this works. If not, well, feel free to come over for cantaloupe.)

Becoming the norm

2009-03-23T21:57:00.004-04:00

Sigh. A applied for a job at a college where we have a really good friend leading the department. It's close by, we love our friend (he actually married us), and it would have been really perfect.
A just talked to him and they offered the job to somebody else. But A was "a strong number two."
Too bad there's no consolation prizes for jobs.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

And A is so hurt by this. For him it's just more confirmation that he is just not good enough. It just seems like crappy news is all we ever get anymore.
I know that in a few years we will look back and be able to talk about this period of being poor and probably laugh over some of it, but I am really, really ready for that time to hurry the fuck up and get here.

monday monday monday

2009-03-23T12:57:00.003-04:00

In my last post I used bullet points. It was really exciting, so I'm going to do it again.

Brace yourself.

There isn't actually anything happening right now to post about but I feel like talking to you instead of thinking about this pension stuff I'm working on. Feel free to skip the whole post.
Seriously, boring shit ahead.
I know, I'm blogging from work. I try not to do that normally.
So there was a meeting over at the Un*on hall today and for some reason we said we'd order pizza for their meeting even though hit had nothing to do with us. Not sure why, but whatever. So I was all about ordering this local pizza that is delicious, even though it costs more and I'd have to pick it up. But they didn't answer the phone. So I ordered doughy chain crap. Don't get me wrong - I ate it. I even kind of enjoyed it. But I was sad on the inside that it was not the local place.
Mizzou won last night in the basketball madness . I can't even begin to tell you how happy that made A. But he was not impressed when I left him hanging by not finishing the M-I-Z he started. I was supposed to yell back Z!-O!-U!
Have you ever been to Anthropologie or however they misspell it? I went in there yesterday to buy a birthday present for a friend of mine who really likes the store. It is really fucking overpriced. I used to buy clothes like that, but they were from thrift stores and cost 84 cents, not 84 dollars. And I must be getting old, because the nineteen year old working behind the counter looking fucking ridiculous with her self conscience layers.
I got her a pretty green trivet that was on clearance and will match her new dining room.
My friend M often gives me books to read and her taste is generally fantastic. Really good lit. So, she went to Montreal last week and bought the first two Twilight books for light reading and then gave them to me. I read them and am somewhat embarrassed to admit that I now am planning to go get the last two in the series so I can read them. They are kind of terrible, but I love trashy novels. Though, I guess it was written by a Mormon for teenagers? So it's not sexy dirty trashy so far.
Charlie is pretending I put a treat in his Kong toy even though I did not. Poor neglected pup.
I ordered a new computer at work. I decided to get a laptop this time. So I got a docking station to go with it, but because I am cheap, even with OPM, I decided not to get a new monitor. I think I am going to regret that. I'll let you know.
I know, the anticipation is killing you.
You probably thought to yourself when I warned you at the beginning of this post "Naw, there is no way that Io really has nothing at all to say. I'll read through and something will no doubt be fascinating."
That was foolish of you.

Show and Tell: Stamps

2009-03-21T21:56:00.006-04:00

I know that it may sometimes appear that all of my time is spent drinking, working, or drinking at work, but in fact I also do the following:

Sleep
Blog
Comment on blogs
Read trashy and not so trashy novels
Watch films that nobody else has seen or likely will ever see
Eat
Play with my animals
Listen to my husband bitch about most of the above
Annoy my husband with incessant kisses while he watches basketball to get him back for the bitching
Help my mom keep from divorcing or dismembering my dad.

My parents have been married for forty something years and my dad retired about six years ago. My mom is retiring at the end of this school year and, while she is thoroughly enjoying being able to speak up about every dumb thing at school because it would take longer for them to fire her than she has time left, she knows that what awaits her at home is going to keep her from enjoying retirement. What awaits her at home is my dad and the five billion stamps with which he has filled two rooms.
My dad has three loves in his life other than his family. He loves the Cathol*c Church, the St. Lou*s Cardinals, and stamps.
I couldn't in good conscience take a picture of my dad's two rooms. Somebody would probably see the picture and call child protective services to warn them that my future children should not be allowed near this deranged man.
There are boxes and piles of stamps filling every corner of both rooms. It's like those Oprah shows with hoarders, only instead of going to the mall or watching QVC, my dad goes to stamp shows and orders off of eb@y and from private collectors.
My mom, seeing her future, has decided it is time to work towards not having to bury my dad's body under her apple tree. He is a large man after all.
I have been going over to my parents' house every week the past few months to help sort my dad's stamps. We're halfway through one room, but progress is stymied by my dad
A. Refusing to let us throw anything away. That L*nn's Stamp News from 1992? He might need to read it again.
B. Taking boxes we have sorted and mixing them together again. Clearly, whatever we were doing was incorrect so he apparently thinks we should stat from scratch.
C. Pretending to help sort, but instead sitting and exclaiming over stamps (Oh hey! This is a good stamp block! Let me tell you all about it!) and then sorting the pile I gave him into one pile. Which, in case you're wondering, is not sorting at all.
D. LAUGHING when my mother yells at him for one of the above.

The saddest part of all this is that despite my father's best efforts, none of his kids ever got into stamp collecting. Or the church for that matter. I am a Cards fan though, as is A.
This does not mean he's given up though - just as he tried to remind me that it would be nice if I came back to the church before I have kids (Ha! Little does he know. Plus, the church doesn't approve of the way in which I plan to have kids.) he jumps on any interest I show in a stamp.
Some of them are pretty cool - there seems to be a stamp for damn near anything you can think of except of course for infertility. (There is a really neat Portuguese stamp, but my dad collects US only.)
Today I got a few to take home.You can't really see them from my crappy picture, but he gave A a current Civil Rights Pioneers sheet and I took some Labor Unions and some Collective Bargaining stamps home.
I love the Collective Bargaining stamp - you can totally tell it's from the 1970s too. It says "out of conflict...accord."

Unfortunately, most of the other 4,999,999,999 stamps hold little interest for me. Sorry dad.

2009-03-20T09:11:00.001-04:00

I'm alive and unharmed.

Ghetto Life

2009-03-19T21:59:00.003-04:00

Oh for fucks sake. If you don't hear from me in a few days, would somebody who knows me in real life please check to make sure I'm not dead? And if I am, let the police know that it was the skinhead who lives on the corner three houses up. Dirty white house, chain link fence with a dog that seems sad and lonely, and a project car they seem to be fixing with black spray paint, duct tape, and stupidity.

Generally, I don't mind where we live. It's really close to downtown, it's cheap, I like my house...
but it's a little bit ghetto. (A is reading over my shoulder here and he says it's a lot a bit of ghetto.) There is a mix of old people who have lived here for years, young couples, gay couples, weird hayseed types, and random ghetto trash of all races. It's pretty diverse.
And in general I have felt fairly safe here. We do have some really great neighbors. If you're not directly involved with say, dealing drugs, drug dealers aren't really going to pay you any mind. Hey, we even had a fairly cordial relationship with our resident crack dealer until he moved away. (Granted, this was after a huge group of neighbors along with a police escort and news cameras went and told him to clean his act up. Another story for another time.)

But this afternoon I took Charlie out to go to the bathroom after we got home from work and this huge pit bull, with the biggest chain collar I have ever seen, ran down the street. Charlie barked at her, not realizing he weighs six pounds, so she turned and started running at us. I scooped him up and yelled at the dog sternly. It stopped and just looked at us. I walked back into the house trying to be all hardcore and not let the dog know I had almost pissed myself. (After I thought about it I realized I knew this dog because she used to get out fairly often and was actually kind of sweet. But she could totally eat Charlie.) I told A and he stuck his head out the door to yell at the dog who was getting ready to take a huge dump in the middle of our yard.
As he's doing this, the dog's owner came down the sidewalk and yelled at A for yelling at his dog and STUPIDLY my husband talked back, telling the guy that we have leash laws and to get his dog before it shit in our yard. So they yelled some stuff back and forth about beating each others asses and I believe the guy promised to come back tonight.

I'm pissed at A for not backing off and placating the guy, though I know he feels bad and being pissed won't do any good. But now I am sitting in bed with my laptop instead of sitting in the living room, because how am I to know if this idiot won't do some sort of drive by?

I grew up in suburbia, people! I want my mommy.

And normally I am all "yay urban redevelopment! clean up the old houses! teeheee heeee I can live with crack whores!" But tonight I am a little more in the "Fuck, I should have let A talk me into buying a vinyl house with a 45 minute commute" feeling. I don't think I am going to sleep very well.
So yeah. Here's hoping that my house doesn't get broken, bulleted, or burnt. Same with my car.

Because I would hate to have to cut a bitch. But I will.

Just another drunk blogger. You ARE drunk too, right?

2009-03-17T19:05:00.002-04:00

Oh yes, it was a glorious day. The sun was shining, the faces were smiling, and the beer was flowing.
I wasn't as able to get as pissass drunk as last year (never fear, I am still having to delete and retype half my words here, but the key is that I am coherent enough to know that I am wrong and go fix it. At least, I think I am. I may look at this tomorrow and wonder why anyone takes a damn thing I say seriously. Um, right-io then.)
What was I saying? Typing. Whatever. In my head it's comig out words, so you understand.
Yes. The day started well with the dogs in teh office.
Charlie and Betty were very interested to watch out the front door as people got ready to head over to the parade. R0ger, who is the world's biggest sweetheart, has to run out teh door because the second truck was leaving without him. This is his dog Magg*e, who is also a sweetheart. She doesnt bark or look cross unless you get out a broomm and them she will attack the broom. When she was a littel pup they would sweep her across the floor at teh station.

I think my typing is getting sloppy. Screw it, Im giving in. Hope you can still read this. If you care. If you don't then we both win!

After the ret*rees left for the parade, I went over to the unioon hall where the lovely Sc0tt (check the green pants - he was afraid he looked fat)
handed me this:
Lovely. Please note it is not green, just delicious.

I had to work for most of the event but I got a chance to eat my stew, drink a few more beers, and tkae a couple pictures so you can see what you should all come to next year. (I can house somebody for free, so whoever calls dibs...anyone? Cmon, you know you want to get runk with me.)
This is the beer tent.

This lady was awesome. i wonder how long it will take to get the green out. Or maybe this is just how she wears her hair all year. I don't judge.
And finally, if anyone wants to know why I am now deaf, watch this, press your computer's speakers to your ears and pretend it is 100x louder.

EDIT: Oh, and now looking at pictures, apparently I was already looking a bit bleary halfway through. This is me with B, a kick ass f*irefighter who, and Ge0rge, who is a very special helper.

Happy Best Holiday of the Year!

2009-03-17T09:38:00.004-04:00

I wish you all the best of days on this most special day when we remember St. Patrick, who drove the snakes out of Ireland, by drinking beer. (We drink the beer, not St. Pat.)
I wish you could all join me at the union hall to drink beer, eat stew and have a grand time, but since you can't, I will raise a glass and drink to you.
Go n-eírí an bóthar leat.

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
And may you all get knocked up.

Lazy, bad, and not yo momma.

2009-03-13T17:50:00.009-04:00

You guys are all the best - thank you for your suggestions about what to do for my anniversary. I figure I have four and a half hours until A gets home for me to figure it out and start working on it.

(Yeah, I may have a small problem with procrastinating. But other than booking the site and buying a dress off the rack, I didn't do anything with my wedding until the week of. So putting this off is kind of like a tribute to our wedding, right? Right?)

We have decided to go down tomorrow to our favorite small town (where Shinejil lives! You should all go visit her) and have bagels where we used to go on Sundays to sit and read the paper. Then A is going to make me meatloaf and mashed potatoes (my favorite) and we'll drink the wine my best friend D gave us as a wedding gift. As for the rest, well, go read Kym's pasties suggestion two posts ago...

So, speaking of the fact that I am a LAZY. BAD. PERSON.
*cough*
I really am. And I am feeling awful about it. Remember a couple weeks ago when Mel had to take a time out from Lost and Found to ask about the Clicker system? I was thinking - gee, I've been a bad blogger in general lately, but I read my section's blogs most of the time and try to get important info turned in. And I was kind of offended by the original questioner saying that the Clickers had cliques and didn't turn in stuff that wasn't from their friends. Because it's *really* not like that at all. I turn in everyone's information. And I am *always* willing to make new friends. But I knew I needed to be better and update my list too.

And then today...
Oh Jesus. Now I am thinking it was probably somebody from my lists, because I have been the WORST CLICKER EVER. I realized I needed to go through and add blogs that have been added recently to my google reader, but Holy crappola. People, there were like 5570923 blogs that I have not been reading that I am supposed to be watching over. I am a dipshit. And don't try and tell me I'm not, because this is not about me - it's about all that incredible work Mel and others do to try and make sure everyone feels supported. I know there will be times when life gets busy and I miss something, but I am beyond horrified to realize that maybe somebody didn't feel supported because I was too lazy to check for new blogs to add to my google reader.
So. If I click for your category (Azoospermia, CBAVD, Clotting/Immunology, Endometriosis, Surrogacy, Varicocele) and there has been a time when you desperately wanted somebody to reach out and cry with you or celebrate with you or help you and it did not happen...

I am so, so very sorry. From the bottom of my heart.

Feel free to call me names and curse me. (Although, please do realize that I've already got infertility, a severely underemployed husband, and a yeast infection, so cursing me might not get you much more...)

I will do better. I promise.

-----
And in more Tales from Infertile Bitches...
I've been feeling very melancholy since last night. I went to my writing group (or as my friend M's five year old daughter exclaimed last night "It's not writing group! It's eating group!" The emperor has no clothes, people.) and while we were waiting for the third member B to arrive, I was playing with M's twenty month old, Lu. She was standing in front of me grabbing for a toy on the coffee table, and when she couldn't reach it she turned to me, grabbed my hand, and said "Mama! Mama!" in that way that means "Mom! Aren't you going to help me get this?"

Except of course that I'm not her mom.

And that moment of silence before M tried to quickly explain that Lu's been calling all women mama lately and then change the subject...
FUCK. It HURT. It hurt SO FUCKING MUCH.

Normally it doesn't really bother me being around M's kids. I'm like an aunt to them and they are awesome, just like their mom. It does stink that M suggested we try to get pregnant together (when I'd already been trying for eight months) and she now has an twenty month old and I have nothing, but FUCK. This was like somebody punching me out of nowhere. I couldn't breathe.

I hope Lu grows out of this calling all women "mama" stage quickly. Like before I see her again. My heart can't take that.

2009-03-12T12:27:00.002-04:00

ARGHHHHH. My nipples feel like they are being sliced up. Goddamn period.
(EDIT: OK, the death pangs stopped. Whew.)

Just had to share that. Now go read my last post and make a suggestion.

You are SOOOOO pretty

2009-03-11T20:16:00.005-04:00

You know what, I am cheap, which is one of the reasons why blogging works for me. Do you have any idea how much money y'all have saved me in therapy bills? It's amazing to throw stuff out into the universe and get responses back. I feel so blessed to be a part of this community. You are all goddesses.

Ok, now that I have you buttered up...*

Solve my problems!
Well, one of them. I probably can't expect any of you to knock me up or get A a job or perform liposuction on my thighs.

But perhaps you could help me with something a bit easier.

A and I have our fifth anniversary this Friday. Because he teaches a class from 6-10pm on Fridays (Yeah, I know, but it pays so...oh right. Poorly.) we are going to celebrate on Saturday. So here's the problem. I have no idea what to do for him. I need to think of something cheap and not too incredibly time consuming to prepare. And probably not food, what with him being a chef and almost poisoning him the first time I cooked for him and all. Anyone have any brilliant ideas?
Or not so brilliant ideas? I'll take anthing ya got.

Other random thing - anyone in Nashv*lle or thereabouts? I'm going to be on a jury for the f*lm fest down there in mid-April. (Which means that I have to watch 1054 minutes of film in the next month. Oy.) I'll be pretty busy watching f*lms, doing my duty, and of course going to fabulous! parties! but if anyone is in the area, I'd love to grab coffee.

*Everything in that first part is true though.

Odds and ends

2009-03-10T12:33:00.004-04:00

Sadly, I think I have temporarily run out of gross body things to talk about. I know, I know...what good am I?

And the only exciting thing I have to talk about is that after somebody (no, amazingly not me!) in my office finished off the girl scout cookies, I got a call from my friend Jen saying that they had a box for me! So I once again have Samoas. Now I just have to keep from eating the whole box.

Ah. And I have found an excuse for my not blogging. Teh Charlie will not allow the typing while he is resting. Which is most of the time. Clearly my wrist is the best place for his head.

Of course, it could always be worse.

I can kill a man with one blow.

2009-03-08T21:49:00.005-04:00

I said I would post something else so that you had something other than my last post to look at. Of course, now he only thing I have to talk about is how bad my breath smells. A_ made fish and a caesar salad. The salad was the real deal with garlic and anchovies.

I could actually kill somebody by breathing on them right now. It is so not right. I'm about to go brush my teeth, but I think I will smell for the next few days.

Speaking of stinky breath, if anyone knows about whether babies are supposed to have stinky breath and if there is anything to do about it, go tell Rachel.

Ok, that's all I have for nasty bodily functions today. But don't worry - the garlic will no doubt migrate to my sweat tomorrow. Stay tuned.

EDIT: I have been terribly lazy and have neglected to put a gazillion people in my google reader. So if for some reason you want me leaving inane and insane comments on your blog (and don't already do it) tell me to whats what and to add you. Do it now while I am feeling guilty.

You probably don't want to read this

2009-03-07T21:49:00.005-05:00

Ok, fair warning here: If you don't want to hear about my yeast infection, stop reading now. I'll post something else soon enough and you can comment on that and pretend like you never read the last sentence.
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I assume I am now talking to myself.

I generally try not to take medication unless I'm really sick. I'll take something for cramps, but I usually wait until I have bitched and moaned for the first day before I grab the sweet relief of midol. When I quit smoking the doctor offered Ch.a.nt*x, but I wanted to go without anything so I quit cold turkey (Not that there is anything wrong with medicine, I don't care if you need an entire pharmacy to function, I just don't like taking pills.) And I really hate that people try and get antibiotics for every damn thing, even when it's clearly a virus. We're creating superbugs that will destroy us! Doom and gloom! World is ending! Etc.

But after three weeks of the flu, I became convinced that something bacterial might have settled in on top of it. So when the doctor offered antibiotics, I agreed.

It had been a while and I forgot about another side effect of antibiotics besides the destruction of the world - the destruction of my hooha. Oh the itching and burning. Not cool. Not cool at all.

And while last time I went all natural and used yogurt for a messy and slow but effective cure, this time I was feeling like I needed something a bit more immediate.

Two things:
1. The drugstore recently did a whole overhaul and moved everything around so you can't find it. I had to wander around the aisles confused because the signs haven't all been switched yet and while an aisle may *say* it's got the coochie cream, apparently it's now where they keep the crackers. Not the same. So I finally find the family planning and female this and that aisle only to find that they now keep the monistat locked up with the condoms and pregnancy tests.

I understand that because it's embarrassing to buy these things that people sometimes steal them and that the store is trying to cut back on theft. But it is much more embarrassing when you have to hunt down the old guy with the key so he can open the case for you and ask which one of the many difference yeast infection creams you would like. I mean really. I have little shame and a burning cooter, so I will do it, but the teenager that needs a condom? Might not be willing to suffer that.

2. I ran into my neighbor F in line. He smiled and said hello and then asked me "So what are you buying?"
Dude. I am holding something that is clearly marked with the word vaginal. Do you really want me to answer that?

That is all.

EDIT: Mwaha. At least I didn't make this a show and tell post!

Dancing on my couch

2009-03-07T00:21:00.003-05:00

It's like 12:30 am and I need to go to bed, but I just want to state for the record (ya know, in case something changes) that I am feeling good. Like, sing the I'm feeling good song feeling good.

It's a combination of a few things (gratitude? s.e. is so good at doing this and I really admire it):
1. I am not sick anymore. With the colds/flu that I got multiples of and then would not go away, I seem to have been sick most of winter. And now being normal again is so different, its fantastic. I can BREATHE people. Oxygen is getting to my BRAIN!

2. The weather. My god, the weather. is. fantastic. It was in the high 60s today. Is it melodramatic of me that I could totally cry tears of joy that I didn't have to wear a coat? I don't care. It was awesome. I can feel myself welling up with gratitude to the weather gods just thinking about it.

3. Our big legislative conference hellcrap is over at work. The legislative session is still going and all that jazz, but planning this thing is no longer hanging over me. And it was fantastic. We totally kicked ass and everything went smoothly. Although I didn't get to go out Monday night after our reception because I was so damn tired. Which is probably for the best. Some of the guys were out until 1am. I'll party at our convention when I'll have a hotel room to collapse into. I am looking forward to it.

4. Speaking of parties with my guys, St. Patrick's day is coming up soon! Beer!

5. I got old school Super Mar*o Brot.hers 3 on the wii and it's terribly fun.

6. Because of this fantastic weather, Charlie and I went over to my friend B's house so we could walk him and her dog/Charlie's friend, Halle Straw.b.erry the C0met D0g. We walked a couple miles to get gyros and then sat out on her screened in porch with tea and chocolate. Is it totally pathetic that I carried Charlie a small part of the way? He got too tired to walk.

7. While we were walking I was talking to B about how I am a worst case scenorio kind of gal. I freak out thinking about the worst possible situations that could happen and compile and A and I will end up living on the streets. She mentioned how positive she is that we will have all the best possible situations happen. It's nice to have somebody who will reach in and drag you out of your self inflicted depression.

8. Speaking of kick ass friends, you know what really makes me happy? I am with my bloggy friends again.

Ok, A just lost again in the desert world of Mario, so it's time to take it to bed.

No sex or rock'n'roll, just drugs

2009-03-01T20:30:00.006-05:00

Well, the doctor I saw Thursday was pretty sure I would live and it appears that I have. By Saturday I was feeling a lot better, though I still have a wicked cough and clogged nose. My fever has gone away and I can stand up without feeling dizzy from lack of oxygen. The doctor prescribed me an inhaler which has been a big help. The only problem being that the new insurance I was so relived to finally get apparently has the crappiest prescription coverage EVER. I went to CVS where they charged me $42 for the inhaler. Insurance didn't cover a cent because it wasn't on their "approved" list of drugs, but I was so sick I didn't have the energy to fight it or figure out where it might be cheaper. I went home, took my drugs and went to bed at 5pm.
A of course hadn't gotten his diabetes medicine yet with the new insurance and after seeing what happened with me he called to ask why it wasn't covered - when we got the insurance it said something like $10 copay for generic, $20 for brand. Turns out, they don't cover some drugs for some reason - including one of his diabetes drugs. Which costs $200 a month. And there is no generic for it in the US.
Um, fuck.
So now we need to figure out how to buy Canadian drugs or something, because we're already paying more for our bills then we have coming in. Anna, I might be coming to visit.

ETA: Sorry I haven't caught up on commenting yet. Besides being sick, work has been really busy. We have a conference this week I've been getting ready for and I had to be at work today for it so although I know I am constantly full of shit I WILL get to you all soon.

Sounds romantic

2009-02-25T18:41:00.003-05:00

Well, I've consulted with Dr. Annacyclopedia and she agrees - I clearly have consumption. I had the flu all last week and then some and I thought I was finally at the tail end but I just keep coughing. It's not a productive cough, but it's deep and persistent (never fear, I have already realized I need to get to a real doctor and make sure it's not consumption, romantic as it sounds).

It's probably partly my fault - I went to Nashville last weekend to visit friends and stayed up all night drinking and gossiping loudly. It was fun, but not really conducive to getting healthy. And at work we have a conference coming up on Monday and Tuesday. Our VP had a death in the family, so I have to handle his shit on top of mine. Also making me tired.

Next fall, somebody, anybody, please remember to remind me to get my damn flu shot. I have been sick far too much this winter.

So assuming the consumtion doesn't take me in the middle of the night, until I can get in to the doctor, does anyone have any suggestions for what works for them in terms of sinus pressure and chest congestion? I'm drinking lots and lots of water, took some Robitusin, sucking cough drops like they'll make us fertile, using a humidifier...

Proof

2009-02-20T13:56:00.002-05:00

And to prove that I am not going to disappear for another two months (ok, I know this proves diddlysquat, what with it coming two seconds after the last and being very short) I will post a second time today.
Also, I realized this was bugging me.

Why, if you are a former infertile, who had the marvelous luck to spontaneously gestate as soon as you started the adoption process (really? REALLY?) and are now brewing a second delicious mochaccino baby, would you think that your still infertile friend would be delighted to be charged with finding you a secondhand crib?

I know I'm a bargain hunter, but come the fuck on dude.

I'm a stinky blog friend but I will buy you a bottle of wine to make up for it if I see you in real life

2009-02-20T12:42:00.004-05:00

I KNOW! What the hell, right? I just go and disappear of the edge of the earth without so much as a...um, whatever people do before they disappear. Peep?

For the past month or so I've started probably five or six posts, but I never finish them because I get lost in all the muckity muck. It seems like I should write a lot since I've been gone for so long, but then I realize it's all stuff I've written before.

One year ago A_ was about to take the bar He's about to do it again. Hopefully to better results this time.

One year ago I was performing in the Vagina monologues? Well, I'm not performing this year, but I'm putting together a film piece for it again.

One year ago A_ was having surgery to retrieve sperm and I was bitching that we couldn't afford IVF yet. He's not having surgery again, but we just got a bill for $400 so his sperm can sit in a freezer for another year. And I'm still bitching that we can't afford IVF because all those savings are making up the gap between my income and our bills.

This probably comes across as more whiny or angry or whatever other strong emotion you can think of that fits, but I don't really feel upset. I just feel resigned. It's like living in this big Groundhogs Day, only it's an entire year.

I'm stuck again for what I want to say, but I don't want to start and abandon another post or I'll never get back to blogging. So yeah. I know I have a lot I want to sort out and I am a no good wumplebuttheadsnufugus for ignoring my amazing friends for so long, so really, seriously, I am back this time.

2008-12-21T16:24:00.003-05:00

Well geeze.
I've recovered from the flu, but the past few weeks I've felt like a big depressed walking panic attack. I stopped blogging because I can walk around depressed and survive. But if I turn to introspection (Don't laugh. I count this as thought. For reals.) I start to panic and I can't breath. And whenever I tried to comment on somebody's blog I felt like I was going to spread my crazy. If something good happened I felt like people would see through my congratulatory words to me screaming and if something bad happened I wouldn't be able to cheer you up, I'd just encourage you to go off the cliff with me. (No, no, not suicidal. Just occasionally binge drinking and (god help me it';s hideous I know, I know) smoking. As a friend said to me as she saw me pick up a cigarette "What the fuck? When did you start smoking?! Think of your ovaries!"
Fuck my ovaries.)

So. As soon as I start to think I'm going to clean out my four hundred strong google reader and get my shit together (I signed up for ICLW. Good for forcing me to get it together.) my computer's airport card dies. So my internet access is going to spotty at best.
But I promise to come back soon. I miss you guys.

Still recovering

2008-11-30T19:44:00.003-05:00

I'm still alive, despite my worries about dehydration yesterday. I couldn't even keep down small bits of water. Isn't projectile vomiting fun? (/sarcasm)

I woke up today feeling a million times better and had some soup and just ate a small plate of leftovers. If I still feel good in a little while, I am going to try a small piece of sweet potato pie since I didn't have any on Thanksgiving.

It was good to see family, and Thanksgiving was okay, but I'm going to blame my sickness for being weak and too tired to write anything about it right now. Instead, I'm going to ask if anyone read this essay in the NYT magazine about using a surrogate. While I doubt I would ever be best friends with the author, I appreciated it and her honesty and was *disgusted* by the comments that people left. I get that people don't see infertility as on the same level as other diseases, but I don't understand the vitrol that it seems to inspire. What other disease gets you labeled as "selfish" for trying to treat it?

2008-11-29T15:18:00.002-05:00

I'll tell you all about my exciting (not really, but it was nice) holiday just as soon as I can stop throwing up. Right now I have menstrual cramps, a cold sore the size of Montana on my lip, and all I've had today is a little tea and ginger ale, all of which promptly came flying out of my mouth.

On the plus side, I don't think I will have any weight gain from this four day weekend.

Please, somebody put me out of my misery.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T20:29:00.006-05:00

Oh Thanksgiving. I'm trying, I am.

I have been painful depressed the past few days. Not quite take all the food out of the refrigerator and curl up inside it depressed, just go to bed early and not talk to A because I don't feel like I can say anything that won't just be guttural wailing depressed.
I decided not to apply for that job I asked you all about. I know it's silly, but I felt like if I applied and got it I would feel obligated to take it for the money. And it made me actually cry to think about leaving my job. It's one thing if I have to leave it because of A finding work somewhere, but choosing to leave so *I* can move somewhere and take another job? I would not be happy. And I know that might seem irrational to many of you, but unless I absolutely have to , I am not going to leave. And A agreed. It didn't feel right to either of us.

So it's back to hoping A gets a job here in town. He's got a few classes he can pick up Spring semester at the U he was teaching at before, and while it will be part time, it should be enough to keep our heads above water for a bit. So we'll continue to tread.

I am feeling better today and looking forward to Thanksgiving. It is important to remember all the wonderful things I do have. (Like a husband who cleaned the house today - oh how I love that he cooks and cleans.) I am also so very very thankful to have such amazing people living in my computer.

A and I first became a couple on Thanksgiving, so it's always a nice memory to have. We knew each other and were friendly. He had told me to give him a call if I came into town and I did. We went out for coffee and I ended up staying at his apartment until 4am, talking.

We always do Thanksgiving with his family. They don't do Christmas, so this is their holiday. And they always do it up right. I mean, I always loved T-day food and all, but wow. This family can COOK. I do feel bad about my parents being all alone this year though. My brother won't be coming home to visit until March and my sister won't come back until Christmas. In past years, they spent Thanksgiving with their best friends in town, but last year their friends both died within two weeks of one another. We invited them to come with us, but my mom said they would be fine by themselves. We are leaving Charlie with them, which I think my mom is looking forward to. She really misses her dog and I know she is looking forward to retirement this year so she can get another one. In the meantime, her grandpuppy is a good fill in.

In addition to the usual family Thanksgiving dinner, we are in Indy in the morning. One of my friends from high school has a brunch every year that her mom has hosted since we graduated. Originally it was a way of everyone catching up on college break, but this is the eleventh year and we are hoping to go forever. There are usually ten to twelve people. We have drinks, eat fresh fruit and bagels and sweet bread and her mom makes the most delicious noodle kugel ever. (God, the kugel is something I know everyone looks forward to every year. It is AMAZING. I got the recipie a few years ago but it was missing the magic touch.) We get some silly turkey gift and take a group picture which goes in the official Turkey Book.

So after a huge brunch, a huge dinner, and leftovers on Friday, I will be back twenty pounds heavier, with more leftovers and sweet potato pie. Until then, I wish all of you a happy Thanksgiving. For those of you not in the US, I will eat some extra for you. It's a sacrifice, but one that I am willing to make.

EDIT: Oh! And I am thankful, despite the fact that I wanted to go to bed early tonight so I could get sleep before tomorrow, that I am about to go out and meet up with my friends. My old speech partner proposed to his girlfriend at a basketball game tonight and (I assume she said yes) we're all supposed to go congratulate them.

I lead an exciting life

2008-11-23T20:49:00.008-05:00

Sunday night always comes way too quickly. It was a good weekend though.
Friday we didn't really do anything, other than finding Samoa ice cream, but! my cheap move of the week was noticing that there were no rotisserie chickens. It was 6:45 and the sign said they guaranteed it between 5pm and 7pm. So I have a coupon for a free chicken! I called my mom and she was very proud. She thinks it's hilarious that I get such a kick out of stuff like that. I have the ability to get ridiculously enthusiastic about the most mundane things.
I also drooled over an online fabric retailer my friend told me about. A couple made me giggle though. I wonder if my boss wants a pillow made of this fabric for a Christmas present? (EDIT: Bwahaha...sorry Nancy, no, it's not vagina fabric.)

Saturday afternoon I went to my best friend's mom's house. His mom was having a jewelry show of stuff she had made. Darling genius D gave me a gift certificate which was very sweet of him, so I got a couple pairs of earrings and a bracelet.
I love D's parents. I hung out for a couple hours giving his dad shit and catching up with his mom. When they introduced me to people they said I was D's friend and that I was family. It's always nice to be included in somebody's family.

Saturday evening we went to my parents for dinner, and had spaghetti. There was also egg nog. Non-alcoholic. That's about as exciting as that gets.

Then today I went over to my friend M's house. She and her husband want to sell their house at some point and her garage was full of stuff. So another friend of hers and I helped her start organizing. It took six hours but we managed to take a huge load to Goodwill, throw out bags and bags, shred six years of documents they don't need, convince her husband that the moldy stuffed animals from his childhood would never again go to bed with him, and

EEK!

A lot of time was spent cleaning up a ton of mouse poop. And a mouse nest. And more mouse poop. And some nibbled paper. And some more mouse poop. Those fuckers *love* to poop. Luckily, M's other friend is of the non-squeamish variety and did the majority of the cleaning up. M's five year old wanted to help with the garage, but that gave us a great excuse to keep her inside. Gross. I must have washed my hands fifty times today.

So tell me you all did glamorous and exciting things this weekend so I can live vicariously...

My wild Friday night

2008-11-21T22:23:00.005-05:00

I really don't keep track of my cycles anymore. I figure there is no point unless I meet Brad Pitt and then I can only assume I will wake up the next day pregnant with triplets and adoptive mother to twelve.
But I always have plenty of warning when my period is on its way. I become a raging bitch about a week beforehand. (As opposed to my usual sunshiney personality, y'know.)
Poor A. I've been royally beyond cranky today.

But you know what I found at the store today? Girl Scout Cookie ice cream. (They had Samoa and Thin Mint.) That helps. Now if those little girls would knock on my door with some actual Samoas, we would be in business.

Choose my own adventure? Nah. You do it.

2008-11-20T17:28:00.005-05:00

I'm probably being ridiculous and there is a really obvious answer here.
Humor me anyways.

A is just not finding a job. I think it's a combination of a few things - I think there aren't a lot of jobs out there, his law degree isn't terribly useful since he didn't pass the bar and his experience is as an educator, all the ed jobs he's applied for aren't beginning until next fall and he might still get one but it's a long ways off. Also, I think he's depressed and not really doing much in the way of networking.
Many, if not most, of the jobs he's applying for are not here. And while I don't particularly want to leave if we have to, we have to. (Sorry Lollipop, no DC, but we are looking at BFE Illinois, BFE Ohio, St. Louis, North Carolina (Kate!), and BFE Colorado.)

So there is a decent chance that we will move.

That being so...
I don't want to leave my job. I love my job. I adore my boss, I can bring Charlie to work, I think a lot of the stuff I do is really interesting and important and good. There is beer in the fridge, I can talk back all I want, and if this mythical baby ever comes into being my boss wants me to just bring the kid with and keep working.

There is a job posting in Ch*cago. I think I fit what they want pretty perfectly. They pay really well.
And Illinois mandates IF coverage.

If there is a good chance that we will have to move anyways, and I will leave my happy little job, perhaps I should apply for this job. Chicago is a big town and A would have plenty of time and a financial cushion while he takes the bar again and finds a job.

Of course, this job might suck, I might hate it, Al might find a job here where I want to stay, I wouldn't be able to bring Charlie or the mythical kid, we own a house here that lord knows we might not be able to sell and housing in Chicago isn't cheap. My parents are here, my friends are here (though we have a few in Chicago too).

Do I apply? I know that I might not even get it, that even if it is offered I wouldn't have to take it.... but I'm still hesitating.

Tell me what to do oh great internets.

Away Message

2008-11-19T20:51:00.004-05:00

I just got home from work and I still need to do paperwork and I need to be back at 7:30 tomorrow morning, but I feel like I need to leave some sort of away message. I've been too busy to comment the past few days.
I wish blogging had something like facebook where I could leave my status. I don't mean to ignore you guys, I know there are important things happening in your lives and I promise to comment tomorrow night!

Do you see it?

2008-11-18T11:28:00.005-05:00

So this is what the artboard on the building currently looks like:

And then there is the next proposal...

I don't want to post the whole thing, but below is the middle third of the picture my boss was certain was a lady's nah nah-nana. The original has an identical girl on either side and their hair meets in the middle. This is the middle.

Now imagine it twenty feet high, looming ahead of you as you drive into downtown every morning...

Change!

2008-11-17T20:06:00.008-05:00

I'm so bloggy today.

So I can't post the vagina picture in it's entirety, but I will try and post the uh, controversial section of the picture tomorrow. I don't want to post the whole thing since it's somebody's artwork and presumably not in a public place yet, but I know you're all dying to see if my boss was correct.

In the meantime, I will show you a non-dirty picture.
A few weeks ago the adorable & sexy Annacyclopedia posted a picture of her new haircut (she looks beeeoooootiful) and I was like "Hey! That looks like my haircut!" I then made the absurd claim that I would post a picture of my hair. See, her hair *did* look like my hair - right after I got it cut and the stylist made it look all pretty. But my hair, although it is straight, is nutso and does not want to go in any normal direction. And I couldn't get it to look like Anna's again.
So no picure of it like that. Because then I got frustrated and, in a fit of boredem, cut some uneven bangs with nail scissors.

Sexytime, ya?

Er, maybe not.

Then today I decided to finish it off, so I went and got my hair cut.

Now is sexytime?
Ya?
Ok, it looks like angryandconfusedtime (maybe I should look at shit before I post it) but I do like it.

2008-11-17T11:15:00.002-05:00

Why do I love my boss?
Because we got a proposal from the arts council people about a proposed piece to go on the side of the next door building. (They have a big billboard area that has a piece of art that gets switched out yearly.)
My boss looked at the proposed artwork and asked me what I saw. I told him I saw two mirror image women and he's like "That's it? You don't see the vagina? Because I see a goddamn vagina. Trust me, I know a vagina when I see one. And if those guys [next door] can't tell that's a vagina they're either gay or they don't spend the right kind of time with their wives."

Yeah, after he mentioned it, I could totally see the vagina.

The arts people are sending another picture proposal.

Freeeeeedom!

2008-11-14T18:38:00.008-05:00

I don't know if I've ever mentioned my irrational phone phobia. I can talk on the phone to people I know, that's fine. But I have sometimes have mini panic attacks when it comes to calling somebody I don't. I psych myself out, thinking they'll not hear me right and think I am saying obscene things or I'll mishear them and respond by saying obscene things. Or maybe I'll just be nervous and "Fuck you shitwad" will come flying out of my mouth. Also, they cant see me, so what if they can't tell I'm using sarcasm? Is the meaning lost if you can't see me making a jack off motion in the air?
(I sometimes worry about this when I leave messages on people's blogs too. In my head I can hear myself saying one thing, but I think maybe without the inflection and scrunched faces people sometimes think I am just a weirdo.)
Anyways, I've always had this phobia. It's gotten better, but as a teenager when my mom told me to call the driving school to register for the class, I couldn't do it. I just knew that if I tried calling I would screw something up. So I didn't sign up to learn how to drive. It wasn't until the next summer, when I figured out I could pay my little brother five bucks to make him do it, that I signed up for driving school.
I can't believe it took me that long.
Once I went through driving school and got my license, it was like a whole new world. Indianapolis is sadly lacking in any real public transportation system, so being able to drive is really the only way to break free from your parents. I didn't have my own car, but I could borrow my mom's. (And my boyfriend had a car. What an amazing little Honda that was...) I loved being able to hop in the car and go wherever I wanted. Finally I was the master of my little seven mile universe.
As much as I love A, I feel like finally getting my car back on Thursday was like getting my license all over again. Two weeks of having to have him drive me to work every day was getting to me. And because his car is a stick and I am pathetic, (I never learned how to drive stick shift and the next person who tells me how much more *fuuuun* it is to drive a stick gets said stick shoved up their left nostril) I had to ask friends to pick me up if we did anything. It was like junior year when everyone else had their license and I had to beg them to let me bum a ride with them to the Perkins to drink coffee and play cards. Pathetic.

But now I have my trusty girl back. And let me tell you - getting new steering, tires and brakes makes a difference. She sticks to the road as we hug curves. She flies over train tracks without pulling. She actually stops when little kids and pregnant women run out in front of her.
Well. Little kids anyways. I make no promises about pregnant women.

Today A had a friend over to watch the football, and I ran out to the Ghetto Kroger to get them a frozen pizza. All.by.myself.

Yesterday? I decided I wanted to go to the Value City that was going out of business and had everything 80% off. So I went. All.by.myself.

Friday? I drove to work. All.by.myself.

Thursday evening? I drove up to a friends house to walk dogs for an hour in her dark crunchy-leaf neighborhood. Kind of all.by.myself, except for Charlie. Who also loves the freedom of the car.

**********
There were a couple of nice moments that come from not having my car. A drove me to work every day (and picked me up, which sucked for him, because it always takes me 30 minutes longer to leave than I think it will) and so it was nice to have that routine. Also, I babysat for a friend on Wednesday. I was supposed to have my car back, but the mechanic set off my airbags and had to have them reset, so I didn't get it back until Thursday. So A had to drive me way the fuck up into suburbia and since he would have had to turn right back around to get me, he stayed and watched the girls.

My friend M has the smartest cutest darn kids. Her daughter Am who just turned five a month ago is reading like a champ, flying through books without hesitation. She asks these amazing questions and has perfected her disparaging look when you try to talk around one of the answers.
M's one year old Av, the one she wanted to have at the same time as me, is totally edible. I could just gnaw on her cheeks all day. We brought Charlie and she was delighted to have a stuffed animal that would kiss her and steal her bear.
A and I had a great time with the kids. He's going to be such a good father someday.

But god I'm glad I don't need him to drive me around anymore.

Edit:
By the way, this heat thing? Awesome. I love it. And now I can screech at people to close the door because I am *not* trying to heat the entire world, do I *look* like I am made of money. Of course, by people, I mean Charlie when I am bringing him back in from going outside and he pauses before running into the house. I gotta practice though.
And the animals don't think it's all that warm. Thomas is sleeping under the covers like he always does
and both he and Charlie tried to sleep in my lap today.

Nirvana

2008-11-11T18:18:00.003-05:00

Oh people. It is truly an amazing feeling, this "warmth" of which I had heard tell.
Last night I sat on my couch with a hat, scarf, blanket, long underwear, sweater, polarfleece over my sweater, and three animals who were all pissed off at me.

This morning I woke up with a cold, snot filled nose and said "No more!" I turned the furnace on. That's right. I was done being cold. Done.
A started to protest, then fell over frozen solid, so I flipped the switch. Within three minutes there was this strange sensation...

I could feel my toes.

Last week randomness

2008-11-09T20:52:00.006-05:00

Is it really Sunday night already?
Last week was such an amazing week. All week I was sleep deprived and after Tuesday night, giddy. I can't count the number of times I cried, just feeling overwhelmed with pride and hope and joy all intermingled.
Indiana had the biggest change in Rs to Ds of any state. My friend M told me that when she was driving to school Wednesday and heard that Indiana had gone blue she started sobbing. It's been kind of like that.

On Wednesday I got to see the amazing Shinejil who was in town for a conference. I think we were both a bit loopy from the night before, but we had a nice time talking. She is seriously one of the coolest people I have ever met. If I could grow up to be her, I would, but I think it's too late for that, so I will just claim her as a friend and hope some cool rubs off.

Last night we went to a friends house for a re-warming party. K&B had their house broken into a few weeks ago, so they wanted to bring some good karma back in. A stayed home because he is depressed about the bar and his job situation and there were some people from his old department there who are kind of assholish. I said A was sick and avoided those people. I really hope something works out for A soon. A couple of my friends met up with him for lunch a couple of weeks ago and have separately told me they're worried about him.

This morning I took my car over to a friends house and he fixed my brakes for the $60 it cost me in parts. Unfortunately, while he said the mechanics were jerking me around on the brakes hardcore, the steering really is fucked. And he doesn't have the equipment to do that. So I still need to come up with $800 (EDIT: Fuck. Make that $1100) for that. But it's a lot better than $1700. A lot better.

Let's see. What else?

The crappy -
A got a call from a friend and when he asked her about her son she told him she was pregnant again. It just doesn't bother him like it does me and that bothers me. She's the person who always comments on facebook pictures of me with kids by saying "Watch out, babies are contagious" and shit like that. She's really A's friend and I wish he would tell her that we can't have kids so she would stfu.

The fun -

I finally took the mirrors and picture frames I got for a buck and spray painted them glossy orange. (They were gold.) This is after the first coat. I'm making my guest room the most colorful room possible. Now I just need to figure out what I want to put in the little picture frames. Any ideas?

2008-11-04T23:17:00.004-05:00

There are so many reasons I am excited about President Obama. These reasons have nothing to do with the color of his skin.
But it makes me cry with joy at someday having biracial children who will be able to see a President who looks like them.
That hits me square in the heart.

Beeeeer, where are you?

2008-11-04T17:50:00.002-05:00

Oh for fucks sake Indiana! It's bad enough that on Sundays you can't buy beer at the store, but on election day I can't have beer until the polls close?! I had forgotten this stupid arcane rule and was so ready for a drink at 4:30 and there you go crushing my hopes and dreams with your laws.

Ok, seven more minutes and I am in the bar.

Nov. 4

2008-11-04T12:07:00.004-05:00

Whew, waking up at 4am is starting to catch up with me. I am not working the polls today, but A is and I needed him to drop me off at work on his way. Charlie and I walked over the *bucks as soon as it opened to get some coffee. Then my boss took me out for coffee again. And lack of sleep plus lots of caffeine is making me all gooey in the brain area.

In case you somehow missed it, today is Election Day. So go vote.

But it's also Kelly's anniversary. She's still mad in love with that man of hers, so go tell her congratulations.

On a sad note, today was Karis and Addison's due date. Today is understandably an unspeakably hard day for Mandy. Go hold her hand.

Fuck Fuck FUCK

2008-10-31T16:11:00.003-04:00

Seriously. I love my car. But it is costing way too much this year, the year that I have no fucking money.
My wonderful amazing way too generous boss decided my tires were crap (which they were) and is buying me nice new ones for Christmas. (He's buying them now before I crash and die. He wants me to keep coming to work.)

I took my car in this afternoon top get the tires and asked them to check my brakes too because a couple days ago my brake warning light came on (and then turned off).

I just called to see if my car was ready to be picked up yet and apparently my front brakes are shot and I need new rotors, something about my suspension is about to fall off or something, and I'm leaking steering fluid like mad. The guy was really nice about and told me he hated to ruin my Friday like this.

A isn't getting called back about jobs. A couple have said they might not be filling the positions after all, but most have just ignored him.

Happy fucking Halloween. I hope y'all get the treats, because I am apparently getting the tricks.

EDIT: So the estimate is about $1700. And the mechanic is a nice guy who ushers at church with my dad, so I know he wasn't bullshitting me. I pathetically started crying right there at the counter with the two mechanics trying to console me that it was just a car, not the end of the world. I drove home on fancy new tires in a car that is about to either lose braking power or steering. I'm going to see if my neighbor who runs an illegal garage out in the alley can do some of it cheaper.
And then after I get home and grab a beer to cry into, I see that I have a letter from Kara and a package from JJ. (Filled with chocolate, a cool magazine, lip balm, tea, and presents for Charlie! The chocolate saved me from eating all the trick or treaters chocolate, so I'm sure if they knew what she did they would be grateful as well.) It was exactly what I needed to calm down and stop hyperventilating. I will survive. It's just a car.
I can't thank all my blog friends enough. What would I have done this past year without you guys?

Meme-ing it up again

2008-10-29T18:39:00.003-04:00

Nancy's post reminded me that I never did this meme that somebody (I can't remember who now because I stink) tagged me for. But I am avoiding paperwork while I wait for A to finish making lasagna, so I figured I'd do it.
I'm supposed to post the fourth picture from the fourth folder on my computer.

Drumroll please...

Um, not sure why I have a picture of my messy side desk. But there you go.

Sweet Mother of Stirrup Queens, we're almost there!

2008-10-29T10:55:00.002-04:00

Look people! Look to the right!
U.T.E.R.U.S. is SO almost there. If we sold everything left on the ebay and etsy, we would totally make more than enough. Or if a few of us clicked the direct donation link.

I'm just saying. Don't you want to be the hero who pushes it over the edge and has me send you the georgeous print that OhEmily did? (Plus, I'd put my return address on it and then you could send me fan mail.)
Dream that dream and go buy something.

Keeping warm

2008-10-28T22:24:00.005-04:00

I've always been cheap. Of course I like to think of it as frugal. I can't help it. It's the way I was raised.

Among our weekly chores, we all got a thick pile of coupons to cut and sort.

Clothes were found at thrift stores and garage sales.

And of course, when it got cold out, instead of reaching for the thermostat, my mom handed us sweaters.

So when it got cold this week, I looked deep into A's warm brown eyes, slid my hand into his, leaned in...and told him to put on a goddamn sweater.

Of course, I forgot that A has the unfortunate tendency to not only buy in to my frugality once I've had my rant, but to sometimes take it even further. So I woke up this morning with twelve blankets, two cats, a dog, a husband, and a cold nose. Because despite the freeze warnings last night and my flashbacks to Laura Ingalls Wilder writing about not sleeping if it was too cold because you MIGHT NOT WAKE UP, A decided we could totally make it another night without turning on the heat.

Look, I know it hasn't even gotten below 29 F yet and I do not live in Duluth MN like my mother did and lord knows she had to shovel snow higher than her car and still go to school to teach the ungrateful children and somewhere in the countryside my dad was carrying his two sisters on his back through the snow barefoot uphill both ways across broken glass and ice and blahblahfuckityblahblah....

But I have been cold. I reached out to the themostat before A stopped me about a second before I flipped the switch. I am wearing two pairs of socks, leggings under my pants, and two hoodies over my shirt. But my little toe was still going numb, so with no hope of sneaking the furnace on, I decided to warm it up the frugal way...

with hot apple cider!

And then I made it better with some caramel syrup... (50 cents at a garage sale)
And really better with some vodka I got for my birthday...

(Oh! Frugal alert - Organic cream for 95 cents!)
Which turns into whipped cream...
Which goes onto the cider with a dash of cinnamon...

And suddenly I have warm feeling about being cheap again.

Show and Tell: Pomegranate

2008-10-26T22:02:00.003-04:00

I've known amazing people. Maria Nichols was head and shoulders above them all.

The best woman I have ever known wasn't much to look at: A tiny hunched over figure with gray frazzled hair and an arm swollen from cancer treatments. She wore thick polyester clothes and had a long face that drooped with age and experience. Her feet would be stuffed into colorless orthopedic shoes.

She wore glasses and when she wanted to make a point to the middle schoolers she taught she would stare through her glasses' thick lenses and slowly, deliberately, push them up her nose with her gnarled middle finger.

She wove amazing tales and prodded students to think and cursed us out in foreign languages while appealing to her sister, Minerva, the goddess, to knock some sense into us.

She also introduced me to pomegranates.

Mrs. Nichols, my mama Maria, taught my social studies class in 7th and 8th grade. (I don't think it was called social studies though. It was the gifted/talented class and I think they called it something else. D, if you're reading, do you remember?) She also let a handful of us eat lunch in her room. We were the social outcasts who would clutch our lunch trays looking for traps to avoid, but once she opened her room to us, it was like our own personal Lyceum. We would eat and talk and listen. And one day we were talking about Persephone, who was tricked into eating pomegranate seeds by Hades to make her return to the underworld. One of us mentioned we had never had a pomegranate, so Mama Maria brought one in sometime shortly after.

I thought of her earlier today as I cracked open a pomegranate. Whenever I see the pomegranate thread the infertility community uses as a symbol, I can't help but think that in another time she would have been a great and wild blogger.She was a true teacher - she didn't just recite facts and expect them recited back. She told stories and made us live them and make connections between them. She wanted us to experience life, not just know some version of it from a book.

My Mama Maria passed away when I was in my senior year of college. Everyone who knew her felt the loss deeply. She made so many feel as though they were her prize student, her special child.

She never said goodbye, she would just send me off with an Irish blessing, as she called me her Irish Colleen.

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Only after "May the wind always be at your back" she would mutter "and not of ye'."

Tagged all over

2008-10-25T11:57:00.005-04:00

I am just getting tagged all over the place! So this will be my catchup post for all the memes. So if you want to know random things about me, here ya go:

Endobaby tagged me for this:
1. Do you have the same friends since childhood?
Not from when I was young, but my two best friends have been my best friends since middle school. L moved to Indy from NYC to live with her dad in 7th grade and we recognized kindred spirits in each other. D went to middle school with us. He was on the quiz team and in the gifted classes and did Math Counts and all the other nerdy things with us, but he didn't really become a *friend* until the summer before high school. He went to a different high school, but we would spend hours talking on the phone. D's seen me through a lot. Both L&D are still the best friends a girl could have.
2. What do you value most about your friends?
With D- Being able to sit in silence. My mom never understood the way D and I could be on the phone for hours and have these big periods of silence. I guess it is kind of weird. But if you can be with somebody and be comfortable just *being*, I think that says a lot.

So many of my friends fulfill different needs, but I think all my close friends share the ability to just be completely bizarre together. We are so weird sometimes.

3. Are your friends sounding boards?
Yes, and you, my blog friends, are some of the best.

4. What is your favorite activity to share with friends?
Sitting and talking. Or just sitting and being silent because you already know everything the other person thinks and you can just enjoy having their presence.
I like going out to eat or karaoke or shopping, but it all comes back to just hanging out.

Kate, and Anna and I believe somebody else tagged me for this (we are such an incestuous bunch, aren't we):
1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Where is your significant other? kitchen
3. Your hair color? depends
4. Your mother? me
5. Your father? gruff
6. Your favorite thing? sleep
7. Your dream last night? blank
8. Your dream/goal? happiness
9. The room you’re in? cold
10. Your hobby? incomplete
11. Your fear? emptiness
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Jamaica
13. Where were you last night? home
14. What you’re not? tidy
15. One of your wish list items? blanket
16. Where you grew up? suburbia
17. The last thing you did? cuddle
18. What are you wearing? sweatshirt
19. Your T.V.? fancy
20. Your pet? sleepy
21. Your computer? powerbook
22. Your mood? indecisive
23. Missing someone? david
24. Your car? sassy
25. Something you’re not wearing? shoes
26. Favorite store? thrift
27. Your Summer? gone
28. Love someone? Al
29. Your favorite color? orange
30. When is the last time you laughed? always
31. Last time you cried? days?

And my new ICLW friend Caba has tagged me for this:

The rules are:
1. To link the tagger and provide the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs.
(Ok, I may have said some of these before, but my memory stinks.)

1. I chew on my lower lip when I am worried. It drives A nuts.
2. In college every year I did my taxes with my friend Mel while sitting in the same booth in an Irish Bar.
3. I would not admit this to many real life friends, but I am voting for a Republ*can this year. (No, not for president! Heh. As if.) Please do not spread this fact around as it would damage my liberal nutjob image.
4. My favorite fair food is a corndog. I love a good corndog with mustard. Oh how I love them.
5. We have not yet turned on our heat despite it being 45 degrees out right now. And our insulation is crap, so believe me, I can feel it.
6. In middle school I would go through food phases, where I would eat the same thing as a snack every day after school for weeks. The weirdest one was my eggnog phase. I made real eggnog everyday for two weeks. Thinking about all those raw eggs now is gross.
7. I do not wear my engagement ring. I used to wear it, but I am always bumping into things, so I would hit it and snag it, so I put it up.

I would tag people, but I am lazy after doing all those.

Pretend you didn't read that last post.

2008-10-24T10:15:00.002-04:00

Uh, I am deleting last night's drunken blog entry.

Yeah. Little hungover this morning. Already sent the "sorry I'm an asshole" email to the nice guy that drove me home despite me being obnoxious. He wrote back saying it was fine and he was amused by the screechy and profanity filled gun control lecture I gave to one of the other guys.

Heh.

Still here, still bitching and moaning

2008-10-21T20:10:00.012-04:00

Whew. I just went through google reader and tried to comment on everyone's most recent post and cleared off the old ones. If I missed somebody or something incredibly important, I'm sorry.

So let's see..what's happening here...

Last week my sister flew in for an evening on her way elsewhere. Mel came over and had dinner with us (A made Mac and Cheese. Mmmm.) Mel's having a rough time, so please send good vibes her way. Even though we were both wallowing, it was good to wallow together. (I did get to give baby Simone some burp cloths though! With fire trucks on them! She will be quite a badass when she's born.)

Saturday I got up and had an abbreviated garage sale junket with my mom. It may have been the last one until spring, but it did yield a real Coach purse for $8. (They had marked $10, but as my mother taught me, *always* ask if they will take less, especially if they are having bloody Marys.) It was a nice cap off to the season. (I need to get some cleaner as it has a few scuffs.)
Randomly, I also found a wedding picture belonging to a fellow blogger, Bon. Stupidly, I didn't buy it. (More in a moment.)
I had to go to a board meeting for work in the afternoon, which was boringish, but it only ran an hour and a half over (believe me, with my boss, that's *amazing*) and then we had our annual fall dinner with the board, which is always nice. I truly like all of the guys and gal I work with and they are the best people with which to eat and drink. And drink. And drink.
(At the age of twenty seven, I can't even BEGIN to keep up with these forty somethings. Staying out drinking until 4am? At 11pm, I am usually ready to climb into bed. ) We had a super nice dinner that yielded leftover fillet mignon and chocolate cake, along with a nice wine buzz. We went across the street to keep drinking, but I gave in quickly and had A take me home.

Sunday after I eventually woke up from my slightly drunken stupor, I went and met up with Bon for coffee and a walk. We did not solve the mystery of her wedding picture being at a rummage sale, but it was nice to finally meet her in person.
**********

What other random things have I been up to?

Last week (or the week before? My time has been all jumbled) I finally put together all my Ikea bookcases. As I was doing that, I listened to CDs that the amazing Kate sent me - one to wallow to and one to dance to. A has decided that based on her musical taste, Kate is indeed a good friend to have.
Of course, something had to go wrong - I had been so proud of myself for having just the perfectly sized space for three and a half bookshelves. Except of course that I had measured from the wall and not the floor. We have huge baseboards. I don't want to cut into our antique baseboards for some Ikea shelves, so I just put the little one at an angle. It still looks pretty good.

Before:

After(ish - I still need to get all our books up there and organize them):You can get a sense of how big they actually are from the chair - it's not a small chair. I painted the walls a carmel color and got some baskets at a garage sale and put this cool 1895 Art Nouveau wrapping paper on my magazine holders:

I've also been trying to find a chair to put in there and I found this midcentury Plycraft Mr. Chair on Cra*gslist, but now it is sitting in my living room and is so comfortable that it might not make it any further:

And now your moment of cuteness:

Also, the Etsy and Ebay U.T.E.R.U.S. things are going well! I have a couple things to put up on etsy tomorrow morning, so look over there tomorrow to see what fantasticness you can buy.

Oh, and thank you all for offering virtual drinks. If they were all real, I would worry about my liver.

Shake your crafty money makers!

2008-10-17T09:01:00.004-04:00

What's that you say? Did Io steal the below directly from Lollipop Goldstein? Why yes I did.
****************************************************************
Um, some pretty freakin' amazing things happening with U.T.E.R.U.S. When we last left off, we had $837.12 in hand. And then an anonymous donor issued a challenge. She will match bloggers dollar for dollar over any amount made through the eBay auction, the etsy site, or direct donations. In other words, if you donate some pottery to the etsy store and it sells for $40, it actually sold for $80 because this person is matching you dollar for dollar.

Wait.

You really need to read this new again.

Whatever you donate--either itemwise or as a direct donation--will be matched dollar for dollar. If you give $5, it's really like giving $10. Why is she doing this? Because she wants to kick you into action. She wants you to remember a time someone did something for you and she wants you to pay it forward.

So what can you do to get into the giving spirit? There are numerous ways to get involved in this--one does not even require you to give anything at all beyond your time...

Donate directly via the paypal link on the right sidebar (it's midway down the sidebar with the U.T.E.R.U.S. updates).
Donate an item to our eBay auctions or bid on an item yourself.
Donate an item to our etsy store or buy one yourself.
Sell ad space on your blog and donate the ad revenue to U.T.E.R.U.S.
Donate a skill--web design, etc--or run a garage sale at home (and then donate the money)
Do this really cool thing that Lori found and donate the money you make from it. Remember--$10 is really $20 in donation form.
Tell people about U.T.E.R.U.S. and ask them to get involved too.

*********************************************************************

OK, Io here again. We have sold three of the six things in the etsy store, so we need to get more stock! If you knit, donate a blanket or some mittens or something! (If you *thought* you wanted to knit so you have nice yarn that you never used, you're me. Donate the yarn.) If you an an artist, consider how good it would feel to have somebody buy your work and hang it on their wall! (Kate sold a picture!) If you make jewelry or stuffed bears or purses or anything craftylike, please consider donating some of your work. And if you don't, come buy it!

Still alive

2008-10-14T21:24:00.004-04:00

I'm not even really sure what to say.

I go back and forth between feeling like I am being a melodramatic queen to feeling like no, this really does call for some heavy sighing and weeping and hand wringing and whatever else I can pick up from starchy Victorian novels. (And I generally feel like an asshole for ignoring all of your sweet comments and loving emails. And I'm afraid when googlereader hit 200, I hit clear, so I'm sorry for not commenting on all your happy/sad/random news. I love and appreciate all of you SO MUCH, but every time I saw somebody had left a message I burst into tears and had to close my laptop.)

A year ago we had just found out why two years of ttc hadn't been working. And even with all my bitching and moaning about how we couldn't afford IVF, I knew that A was graduating in December, that he'd get a job making more money than he did teaching, that we wouldn't have the extra expenses of l@w school. I figured that we would be able to save and it would be a wait, but we'd make it within a year. Easy.
And then A flunked the b@r.
Man, did that suck. We've been living off of my salary (love my job, but I am paid next to nothing) and our savings. A studied again and decided not to get a job on the (oh, it seems SO. FUCKING.STUPID. now) belief that he would pass in October and get a l@w job. So it would be ridiculous to get some other job in the meantime! Just hang out a while longer and do stuff around the house! And then we'd get back on track and maybe we could do IVF sometime in the spring!
And now he's flunked again.
And the economy is in the shitter.

Even if we could get pregnant with that good old-fashioned s-e-x, now would not be the time.

Everything is kind of jumbly.
A is looking at jobs pretty much everywhere. If he gets a job somewhere else, he might move while I stayed here. It's hard to figure out what he can do though - there's a lot of stuff that he would be great at, but his backround is all over the place, so actually getting hired? Might be hard.

He could cook - he has a culinary degree and was a professional chef. But that was eight or nine years ago, so getting hired to a decent kitchen might be hard.
He could teach - he'd been teaching C*mmunications at the university level for seven years until he quit last winter to study for the b@r. But it's the middle of the school year. So he *might* be able to get another job making shit money *next* fall, but that doesn't do us much good.
He has a law degree...but, well, you know how that goes.

We're both depressed and touchy and nervous. A feels like he has let me down and is embarrassed. I hate having to tell people. And I'm sure they hate figuring out what to say.
He's not stupid and he certainly studied (I am hitting the next asshole who tries to explain how they studied and maybe he should try their method that SERIOUSLYpeople heTOOKthefuckingclassesandDIDallthesameshitYOUdid, so shutthefuckup.) (Oh, and please don't tell me that JFK Jr had to take the bar two or three times or whatever. I don't think he was living in the ghetto while he was waiting to take it again. And saying that doesn't make it seem any better that A doesn't have a job. Plus JFK Jr. died. Just sayin'.)

There is no way that we will be having a child in the next year.

Oh, and last Monday? Heard from the clinic about donating. Fucking perfect.
While it would be nice to have the money and I still would like to help, right now I am unhealthy and stressed and probably mentally unstable.Extra hormones right now might push me over the edge. So I am withdrawing my profile. Boo.

And other shitty things - I fucked up at work last week, nothing huge, but I hate fucking up. One of my best friends here and his husband are moving out of state. My friend R (who is *that person* who was in the process of adopting, but got pregnant) is pregnant again. She's kicks ass and I am happy for her, but talking to her last week and the combination of hearing her say she was sorry about the b@r, tell me that she's pregnant and wants a girl, and that I'd be pregnant *soon* just about killed me.

Aw fuck, here I go veering off into melodrama.

***
There is good stuff too:

I put up my Ikea shelves and while they don't quite fit right (I measured from the wall and forgot about the baseboard, so the skinny shelf is at an angle. Doh.) they look really good in my freshly painted office/library.

My sister is coming into town tomorrow, so that makes me super fucking happy. She will drink wine with me and trade out a couple of books and lecture me about what I should do, but in a way that makes me feel inspired, not shamed.

Um. Cinnamon ice cream. That's good.

OH! And hot damn, UTERUS is good! Go look at the ebay stuff (wanna win my hamburger phone?) and also look at our etsy store, which I am running. uterus.etsy.com
And please consider donating items or money.

***
So tell me people, what did I miss in your lives last week?

2008-10-03T08:54:00.000-04:00

BFN.

I was going to liveblog

2008-10-02T22:30:00.001-04:00

I was planning on liveblogging the VP debate, but I can't because I just keep breaking out in laughter. Palin is ridunkulous.

Ten hours.

Ack

2008-10-02T10:46:00.001-04:00

Less than 22 hours until we hear about the bar and I simply can't concentrate on anything. I'm crawling out of my skin.
I have work sitting in front of me, but it's not exactly holding my attention.
Quick, somebody distract me.

Oh my god we're back again...

2008-09-30T19:37:00.003-04:00

You know what is awesome and amazing?
(Well, besides me. I am pretty awesome and amazing...according to my mother. And ok, she was talking about how "amazing" it was that I had no shame in bringing a diaper out to the living room while we had company when I was four and putting it on myself in preparation for bedtime. Geesh Mom, did you have to remind me, as though I don't have enough embarrassing things from my childhood that are forever burned into my memory, that I was not only an exhibitionist but also a bedwetter until I was five? Ack!)
Um. Sorry. That was not awesome.
AS I WAS SAYING.
You know whats awesome and amazing?

This community is.

I was reading Calliope's blog this morning and she mentioned a year ago making pumpkin ravioli.
That was one of the first IF blog posts I remember reading. After almost two years of trying, we finally had an answer to why there was no screaming baby in our house and I was desperately searching the Internets for more. When I found blogs I became obsessed. I sucked in IF blogs like they were air and I was drowning. There were people who felt like I did, who had been where I was, who had gone where I wanted to.

So a month later I started my blog.
And I read people's blogs and commented.
And people read my blog and commented.
And I got a package from Anna and from Kate.
And I sent a package to Jen.
And I met shinejil and Kelly.
And I got a call from Kara.

It hasn't even been a year, but it seems so much longer.
I have found my home with all of you. People who are so far away - wishingforone in Egypt! Tracy, who's a republican (which ideologically is really, really far away from me)! We're all so much stronger because of each other.

Which brings me back to Calli.
Calliope let us show off what we could do together. What we could accomplish. (OK, yes, it also took Calli's ovaries and uterus and some sperm and doctors and drugs and...ok, but we *helped* is the point.)

Calliope has given up a lot to take care of her grandmother and one of those things is being able to have one of those "paying job" things. After a devastating miscarriage last winter, she didn't have enough money to move forward with an FET. A lot of amazing people came together and created U.T.E.R.U.S.
And partially because of U.T.E.R.U.S., Calli had an opportunity to get the Snork all up in her ute, snuggled in and growing every day.

(Do you guys know where I am going with this? Yeah? Aren't you *excited*? Don't you want to get *involved*?!)

It's time for U.T.E.R.U.S. to spring back into action. You can read about the latest recipients and how you can help over at the incomparable Lollipop Goldstein's place. (You *may* have heard of it...Stirrup Queens ring a bell? Yeah, if I were her I would walk around saying "Don't you know who I *am*?" every five minutes. Which is probably why I am not her.)

So I expect all of you will either:
A) Donate money!
B) Donate stuff for the ebay auction! (I'm sending a hamburger phone from the movie Juno!)
C) Buy something from the ebay auction! (Don't you want my hamburger phone? It has fake sesame seeds on the bun!)
D) Donate something crafty for our etsy store (New addition! And I am running it!)
E) Buy something from the etsy store! (I am putting up beautiful green alpaca wool from Chile. From the 1970s. My mother passed along her "Oh, knitting would be fun, so I'll buy wool while I'm living in this foreign county, but geeze, I don't actually want to knit so I'll just let this wool sit here for thirtyfive years..." gene. And her wool too. She passed that along. And now it could be yours!)
F) Arrange travel stuff for Vee and Max!
G) Donate money!

Whatever you do, don't let this be something that you think "Oh, that might be fun but I don't have much ability to help..." We can do such amazing things for each other. Together.

Please help.

Keeping it together

2008-09-28T21:36:00.005-04:00

We are engaging in distraction therapy this week. So I will mention this once and then hopefully not say anything again (because I am so busy doing fun! exciting! things) until Friday, when I erupt with joy.

Bar results come out on Friday.

***

Ok! Moving on.
I survived seeing my friend J on Thursday. Her little girl E slept the whole time and I held her for most of the visit while J ate her dinner.

It's not actually being there that gets me. When I'm with a baby I'm too busy being mesmerized by her tiny hand curling around my finger or that incredibly soft swoop from her forehead to her nose. I'm sad but its tempered with awe of this little life.

It's when I leave and can feel how alone I am in the car, separated from my other travelers, glancing in my rearview window to a backseat that is empty, that it hits me in the gut.

***

This weekend I figured that as long as we're slowly whittling down our IVF savings to pay bills and fun things like that, I might as well spend some more of it. If we're not having IVF any time soon, why not go all out with a great big "fuck it"?

So this weekend I made the pilgrimage to Ikea with my friend E and another friend of hers. (E is temporarily rocking a Durango. We went to Cincinnati, which is less than two hours away. The three of us spent most of the day walking through the maze of cheap bright home scenes until one person would wander off, distracted by shiny Swedish doodads, and had to be hunted down by the other two. (Um, that was mostly me being distracted and wandering away...I can't blame the dad who had his kid on a leash in there. I probably should have been on one.)

Ikea is fantastic, but it does have drawbacks: I thought maybe it was just me, but E's friend J also pointed out that she had never seen so many pregnant women in one place before. They were freaking everywhere.

I managed to get out without picking up too many random objects, but I did drop a huge chunk of change on four bookshelves with height extenders so they are almost eight feet tall.

Of course, right now they look like this:

(Take away the sleepy cat and pretend you don't see my dining room floor that still has not been refinished.)

And the space they are going into in the office? Currently looks likes this:

Er. Yeah. That is all part of the distraction plan - A will be working on cleaning that space out and assembling bookshelves this week.

And now, because A took a picture when I wasn't here and it transfered over from my camera and my furbabies are just so darn cute, I give you KD and Thomas:

Charlie done a bad bad thing

2008-09-25T09:12:00.007-04:00

A and I actually went out last night. On a Wednesday! We left the house at 9:30pm!

Madness.

My dear friends M&B are moving away. They were my first friends when I moved back here after college. A was working and going to law school at night and traveling for work on the weekends, so I practically lived at their house. B and I worked together starting his baby, the f*lm fest*val.

B recently got his dream job, but it's all the way in Tennessee. He's already moved down there while M stays here for a little while and tries to sell his business. (Anyone want to buy a psychotherapy practice? You could come live here and be my bestest friend!) Everyone is happy for B of course, but we're so sad to lose them. Everyone has been sobbing goodbye on their porch. I suspect a few people might be hatching plans to kidnap them so they can't leave.

Last night M was lonely so A and I met him at the bar down the block and sat and talked for a while. It was good, but sad.

We stayed a couple hours then went back home to find out that I am a terrible mother. I had left things where Charlie could get to them. Charlie had ripped open a package I was planing to mail today to a certain birthday girl and opened the chocolate bar and eaten the chocolate. Which kills dogs.

He jumped up to greet us and you could smell it on his breath.

A kept asking me what I was thinking and I kept freaking out. Finally, I figured out that the amount he had eaten was less than a sixth of what he would need to eat for it to be toxic, but all night I kept waking up and checking on him.

He's totally fine - you'd never know he had eaten anything. He went right to bed, didn't puke, bright eyed and bushy tailed today, playing with Betty here at work.

Little stinker's breath still smells like chocolate.

***

Tonight I'm making meatloaf and mashed potatoes to bring for my friend J, who just had her daughter a week ago. She broke her tailbone giving birth and I know she's overwhelmed, so I offered. She is a friend and I do want to help her out and meet her new daughter, even if it is somewhat bittersweet for me.
When I talked to her on the phone she told me how amazing it is being a mother.

Wish me luck at not falling apart.

Now I remember why I hate the Ghetto Kroger

2008-09-23T18:14:00.008-04:00

We went back and got a few more frozen deals from the Ghetto Kroger the other day. (Mmmm..Amy's Chili with cornbread! More Julie's Ice Cream, in my favorite flavor, blackberry! Tofurky stuffed with cranberry dressing! Ok, the last one was kind of gross.)

So tonight I went back because we were out of a couple important staples - yogurt, sugar, olive oil. Of course, I got a few extra scores in my special markdown area. Organic corn meal half off! Mango salsa half off! Half and half half off (say that five times fast)!
I even managed to get some nice tampons half off ! Of course, one of the many beautiful things about being infertile is that I know I will need tampons next month. And the month after that. That's right - I can buy ahead! And in bulk! Take that, fertiles! Booyah!

Despite my tampon score (Oh! And if any Indy area ladies are looking for clearblue easy fertility stick things, they are half price in the bins, right next to the bulgar wheat and the Nascar M&Ms.) I was reminded of why infertility also sucks.

Crack whores. They love this Kroger. (And no, I'm afraid this type of woman is not a related species of Infertile Whore.)

Ok, maybe she wasn't a crack whore. I don't *specifically* remember seeing her standing out on tenth street. But she gave off the same vibe.
This zoned out woman managed to follow me approximately 1.7 miles through the store, all the while ignoring her crying son except to occasionally snap at him to shut up. Which, in my experience, usually doesn't work with two year olds.

I'm not really one for snatching babies, but I wouldn't mind smacking some mothers.

Edit: I forgot to mention the pregnant woman smoking in the parking lot. Classy.

The USA needs to play catch up

2008-09-22T20:24:00.004-04:00

How fantastic is this:

Australian lesbians can now have both partners recognized on their children's birth certificates.

Congrats to my Australian friends. I know there is still a long way to go, but it's better than what we have here.

Show and tell: Dead Sexy Io

2008-09-20T16:41:00.002-04:00

Thank you all for being happy my mom doesn't have cancer - we're pretty happy about it too.
Since she's ok, she and my dad have gone to Illinois for my dad's fiftieth high school reunion. I think there were about eight people in his graduating class. (By the way would-be-robbers reading this: Not only do my parents have an alarm they have the nosiest neighbor in the world. Don't bother breaking in - Mr. Jones might be ninety-four, but he will fuck you up.)

Of course, this means that my momudee wasn't around to garage sale. So I had my own garage sale. Which seemed like a good idea. At 5pm last night.

Somehow I managed to get my sale thrown together by 8am. I strongly strongly subscribe to the just-get-it-gone philosophy, so everything was a quarter. One guy bought four dining chairs, a rocking chair, a cat scratched club chair, a computer monitor, and a whole bunch of little doodads, and somehow put them ON TOP OF his little car which was already filled up with a large wife and other assorted items.
Just as I was about to put everything up to take to G**dwill, two people showed up and I sold them everything I had left (except my books) for a couple bucks. One of them just couldn't stop grinning. He was really excited about getting things: a purse for his mom, VHS tapes for himself, candles for his sister. He said I made his day, which totally made my day.

So now I just have a bookshelf and about eighty books sitting on my porch. My BIL claims he is going to come take them away but if anyone is in the area and wants a whole bunch of trashy paperbacks, you can have 'em.

When I decided last night that I was having a garage sale I realized that I would need some card tables so I went and borrowed some from my parents. While I was grabbing them from my dad's office I noticed a pile of pictures and thought I would share one with you to prove that, yes, I *have* always been this dead sexy.

You know you wish you had those glasses.

Edit: Heh. And if you don't agree with me, meet my 14 year old self. She will kick your ass and set you straight.

I was such a teenager.

The good, the bad, that's all.

2008-09-18T18:15:00.001-04:00

The good: My mom does not have cancer.

The bad that should be good except I'm a motherfuckin infertile: Remember my friend J? She of the drugs and drinking and accidental knockedupedness?
Yeah, just got a text from her letting me know that she's giving birth to her daughter tonight.

That's all: Gotta go eat some Tofutti.

Reason to love the ghetto

2008-09-17T21:11:00.009-04:00

You know, living in the ghetto has a lot of drawbacks. Some of my neighbors are trashy (but the crack dealer is gone!), our air conditioner was torn apart for copper (but it was old anyways and insurance helped us buy another nice new one!), and there are occasionally dead bodies found in trash cans (ok, no nice way to spin that other than saying it wasn't *our* trash can).

But one of the things that would at first glance seem to be a drawback has actually proven to be awesome.

The Ghetto Kroger.
(For those of you who are unaware, Kroger is a grocery store 'round these here parts.)

Disclaimer: You know that person who brags about how cheap they are? Yeah, I am that person. I can't help it - I was raised that way. So skip this if you find it annoying. Because that is the whole post: Me, bragging about grocery shopping scores.

Our Ghetto Kroger is a step up from the one we used to go to. When we lived in downtown proper, the choices were either ghetto Ghetto Kroger or high-ass-prices grocery store. There was also a ghetto Kroger that was so bad nobody I know would go in it.

Ours is a bit better - it's a lot bigger, has a produce section that is doesn't *completely* make me wonder about the racist/classist practices of the corporation, and has an organic section.

Don't get me wrong - it's still ghetto. The produce is not as bountiful or fresh as stores in my parents neighborhood. There is no olive bar. The store seems to have a policy of only opening two lanes, even if there are twenty people in line, which there always are. Despite our pleadings, they don't carry the New York Times like the Kroger down the road closer to suburbia(we used to get it delivered, but it turns out nobody would deliver to the ghetto and we had to cancel because we never got our paper.)

And I can't completely blame them for some of these things. Hell, I know I wouldn't use the olive bar, so I know that the crack whores probably aren't bemoaning the lack of one.
But here (finally, I know, where the hell is my point?) is my point. Because people are poor around here, they don't buy some things very often. Therefore they have manager's special stickers all the time to get rid of things that people aren't buying. I have become an expert at spotting the orange stickers from a distance. The organic/natural foods area is one of the best places for these. And tonight I scored.
The past couple of weeks, the organic section has been getting spare. They haven't been restocking. Which had me worried that perhaps they were going to do away with Amy's Pizza and Kashi.
It turns out they were getting new products, so tonight all the leftover stuff was marked way off and stuck in a freezer bin for me to find and get way too excited about.

My freezer had been close to empty - tonight, I filled up my freezer. There was a teeny bit of room left after I put everything away so I went back to buy more.
This is a shot of one small section of the freezer to give you an idea:

That Amy's Cornmeal crust with organic fire roasted vegetable pizza that is normally seven bucks? $1.25. That Julie's Organic Ice cream that's normally $4.29? Fifty six cents. That Tofuti fake ice cream crap? Actually quite tasty. And seventy cents. And I got like four huge bags of edamame for seventy five cents apiece.

I love the ghetto.

Blahs

2008-09-15T09:12:00.007-04:00

My last post asked what you do to get out of a funk and it turns out one of the best things is having lots of awesome online friends comment on a post about happy things. (I puffy heart all of you more than you can know.) I also read a trashy novel and gave Charlie lots of kisses. And watched the opening of SNL. Tiny Fey worked wonders for my mood.

(Going to the birthday party of a one year old and seeing an incredibly pregnant lady who kept touching her belly? Shockingly, this did not make me fart rainbows and butterflies. The cake was good though.)

I'm still feeling a little blah, though I'm sure it has a lot to do with the cold gray weather and the tickers across the bottom of CNN announcing the latest stock market numbers and the fact that we have less than three weeks until we know about the bar and I think the anxiety is slowly and steadily increasing. (Plus there's that whole getting a j.o.b. thing in this economy even if he does pass.)
My mom just went in to have a biopsy on her jaw because there is something on her jaw and they weren't sure if it was just an infection or... She's supposed to find out Thursday so I'm trying not to think about it - no sense it worrying until we know.

----
I think I'm with Emily - I feel like I need to apologize for not being able to shake the funk. I know it's ridiculous, but I feel stupid for being such a cranker.

Blah blah blah.

Advice

2008-09-13T16:28:00.002-04:00

I'm having another feeling-sorry-for-myself day. Monthly hormonal demons have possessed me, so I know it will pass, but in the meantime...

When you feel like everything is crap, what is your favorite thing to make you feel better?
(Other than shopping, eating, or running. I'm poor, fat and lazy right now so those are not going to work.)

I remember

2008-09-11T18:30:00.004-04:00

I feel fuzzy today. It's a gray quiet day outside and online I've been reading 9/11 postings that bring me back over and over again.

It was so quiet.

I had walked onto campus and was sitting and reading on the steps of the speech team office, which was housed in the grad student wing of old barrack-style dorms that had been converted into the Communication Department's building.
It was beautiful out.

Matt, the grad student who had the office next to ours, walked up and told me. I went upstairs and reloaded CNN.com over and over, until the towers collapsed.

I went back downstairs and sat on the steps. I didn't know what to do.
My coach walked up and I said "Did you hear?"
I suppose I will always be a part of his memory of that day.

We sat and listened to the radio. For weeks, everything I heard seemed like it had the same scratchy static white noise wrapped around it.

I tried calling my aunt who worked near the towers, my sister who drove past the Pentagon every day. I tried calling my best friend.

I don't remember when I finally got a hold of everyone or what we said, except that my sister had seen the smoke, had just left her house. That everyone was alive.

The next weeks were so quiet. Fighter planes zipped over our heads and the world hung awkwardly off its axis. My friend M and I sat and watched Bill O'Reilly because she was writing about him and he started talking about Bloomington, Indiana, "that hotbed of terrorism."

Strangely, and a bit sadly, it was a return to at least a small part of normalcy, where we yelled at conservative talking heads instead of just crying.

Ker-pow

2008-09-08T21:23:00.003-04:00

Thanks for putting up with my political rambling as of late - I know it's probably annoying for some people since it has nothing to do with IF and it can be divisive. But I had to let out some of my rage. I find if I don't let it out, if I internalize, that I just feel worse.
I came home today with a bad headache. I shared my opinion on something (I know, shocking) and it was apparently broadcast and I got a call from a chief who was kind of an asshole in telling me he thought I was wrong. And I can't really tell this chief that he's a damn idiot. So I apologized and shut my mouth. Messed up my head.

***

As usual my mom and I went garage sailing last weekend. It's so sad. We go nuts for baby stuff. There is always somebody we can justify buying it for. Clearly the brand new StrideRite saddle shoes for a dollar should go to somebody! So I quickly try to figure out who might have a little girl who is going to be a size 7. Meanwhile, my mom is trying to single-handedly clothe her handyman's son and my cousin's foster daughter. (Sad story - my cousin is trying to adopt her and her younger brother and her first mom came back to the state to fight for her, NOT because she wants her, but "so [her] kids know [she] didn't just give them up." WTF)

I always find a few things that I don't know if anyone would need them. So if anyone wants a brand new graco pack n play sheet, I got one for a quarter and don't have anyone who needs it.

I have so much stuff for other people that I collect that I almost worry for when I finally have my own kid - will buying these things for other people's kids now be enough to let off the pressure? Or will this be like my headaches and when I finally get a kid my mom and I will finally go so nuts that we'll drown them in our garage sale treasures?

Soft Core Politics: She's a mahhhhthur!

2008-09-05T21:09:00.009-04:00

OK, if you read my blog regularly, you might have picked up that I am not a fan of McCain-Palin.*
Despite my political beliefs, I really don't mean the following post to be a gripe about any particular party or person, though it's possible some of my preference might be evident. It's more of an observation about politics in general. And, I suppose, life in general.

Of all the things that bother me about Palin, one thing has been bugging me: The fact that she's a mother. OK, not really that she is a mother. I think it's great that she's a mother. (Really. However any of us want to judge or applaud her choices, I 'm sure her kids love her and she loves them.) What I have an issue with is that during the speaking breaks (or when they decided that the speaker wasn't important enough to stay with thankgodforCspanwheretheymostlyshoweverything...) at the RNC, when they interviewed people here is what I heard:

"I think she's great. The fact that she's a mom..."

The first word of the video to introduce her: Mother.

The headline to a story about her: Sarah Palin: Mother of five...

Obviously, a lot of this identification as "mother" comes from her own telling of her story. But surely this woman, as much as I don't think she should be vice-president, could be identified for other things? What if Sarah Palin didn't have any children? What would the narrative be? Would she ever have even gotten elected as Mayor if she didn't have the PTA?
Sexism of course makes this more of an issue for her - we might still be discussing this if she were a man, but not as much and more of the glory and more of the sniping would be directed towards the female spouse. (And the PTA thing - I know that sounded sexist, but I am trying to view it as people would view her - as somebody with no kids, not as somebody without drive or ideas - does that make sense? I hope so.)

But seriously, are women with children that much BETTER than those of us without? This idea of "mother" is put on such a pedestal. That being "mother" makes you wiser, more patient, more caring. It's the subtle condescension I hear from friends who tell me I'll understand when I am a mother.

I mean really? What the fuck is that? I can accept that maybe I can't completely know the kind of love that comes with being a mother because I can feel the absence of that love. But patience? Wisdom? Generosity? The ability to potty train? Bullshit. I was a live in nanny for years to the extent I really was part of the family. I have "done" the age three with six different boys. I *know* potty training, people. (And because of all that potty training, I *really* know patience.)

And it's not just mother. Let's say the Obamas didn't have children. I don't think Obama would be on the ticket. Not that he makes a big deal out of his kids. He mentions them certainly, and they were used as part of the pageantry at the DNC, just as all candidates parade their families, but they're not a central part of whatever narrative most of us assign him. (Granted, this is due in part to being a man - once again with the sexism.) But even then, no kids and what happens?

Barack losses his ability for compassion. Michelle becomes nothing more than a cold career woman. How can they care about the future if they have nobody to create a future for?

America does not trust people without children who are running for office. (We *really* don't trust people who are single without kids who are running for public office.) Obviously, there are exceptions to this rule, but I do believe they are few and far between.

Did anyone really think Charlie Crist stood a chance being picked as McCain's running mate? Here's what I know about him: He's really tan, he's a Republican, he's a single man with no kids. (Yes, I also know he's now engaged. And maybe a couple other things. But those are the first three things that come to mind.)

I think his status as a single man with no kids ruled him out as a choice - it makes him a playboy, selfish, childish himself. Possibly gay. Poor guy. Other than being a Republican and probably a good candidate for skin cancer, he's probably great and thoughtful and all that jazz. But Americans would never accept somebody who can't haul a family on stage after the speeches.
Hell, I wonder if part of the thought process that went into picking VPs was how many children they could add to the milieu on stage. (And Biden had such a great backstory for his sons. A horribly sad and life changing one, but it plays well in Peoria.)

I think being a parent changes your life, I really do, even if I haven't had a chance at it yet. But I think that even now, dealing with infertility, it's easy to fall back into the idea that it somehow makes you a better person. I think it can. But parenthood is not the only path or even a certain path to all those qualities we like to ascribe to it.

Feel free to share your thoughts. (Kate, I'd love to hear your thoughts on Clinton - I kind of left her for you since I figured you'd have better stuff to say there.) I know this was kind of disjointed and random and maybe I contradicted myself somewhere. It's complicated and there is no definite right or wrong. But it's what I've been thinking about.

*For those of you somehow not aware, I am a flaming liberal: I am pro-choice, for gun control and gay rights. I think if you want to burn a flag, you should be able to do so even if I don't like it. I believe in economic justice and the regulation of industries that could profit from harming people or the earth. I believe that discrimination on the basis of race or religion or sex or a million other things is wrong. I believe most conservatives need to expand their understanding of what discrimination means. I believe that until we have a perfect justice system, the death penalty will be imperfectly used. I believe banning books is a crime and creationism is ridiculous. But if you want to have a book about creationism, I'll let you put it in my library. I won't teach it in my science class though, because it's not science. It's religion. I believe that speaking up about what my government is doing overseas IS patriotic. I believe that letting people die because they don't have health insurance is criminal.
Don't worry my Republican friends - I believe in a lot of other more universal things too: chocolate, puppies, booze, sleep.

OK, done for now

2008-09-04T23:26:00.002-04:00

It's safe, RNC is over, I'm done snarking about politics for a while.

I have been thinking about how on both sides motherhood/parenthood is such a key word. Never would a single and/or childless woman (or man, actually) be able to be considered for President or Vice President.
More on that coming up tomorrow.

2008-09-04T20:41:00.016-04:00

The Republicans have jumped the 9/11 shark. That video was offensive.
-----

Senator Graham - Who decided to put the gravestones in Arlington behind him on the screen as he said "We are on the road to Victory"?! Doh.
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A just pointed out that our friend B would totally be the perfect person to play Sen Graham on SNL. He looks like him. And is gaaay. Not that Senator Graham is.
---------

Oh my. Mother. Moosehunter. Maverick...the video on Palin is...um. Are the Republicans parodying themselves? Am I watching the new Wag the Dog? What?
-------

Drink every time you hear the word Maverick!
-----

If the first word of your video is "Mother" why do you think that we can't scrutinize that?
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Cindy and John lied to each other about their ages when they first met...was that supposed to be cute? That they lie?
------

Everyone, speakers and media alike, has used baseball metaphors CONSTANTLY during both the DNC and the RNC. What is with that? Can we find a new freaking sport to expand to at least?
------

Poor Cindy. I actually think she would have done better without a teleprompter. I kind of like her in that way that I can like some Republicans. Nice people, just misguided.
-------

Argh. These video people are missing some key stuff - it was cute when his mom interrupted the serious with "mama's boy" but you know how to temporarily break/set up for laughs.
Wait, am I trying to help the Republicans with my fab advice? I'll shut up.
---------

The video says McCain's not petty. He's above it all. Somebody should have told all those speakers last night.
-------

I get it. He was a POW in a tiny dank cell where he found strength. Presumably by thinking of his country or how to leave his wife once he found a young heiress. Ok, that was low. Even for me.
------

This green screen behind JMac is burning my eyes.
------

Jmac just said she's worked with her hands and nose. I know it was supposed to be knows, but he had an inappropriate pause. I was confused for a second until A screamed "He was a POW! leave him alone!"
Once again, low. But hey - it's been his answer to a lot of tough questions.
-----

He believes in neighborhoods and communities? And I...don't? And if he believes in communities, does he believe in, you know...community organizers?
------

DUDES. He is taking a line Barack did in his speech about replacing old jobs with new manufacturing jobs and gave it again as his own after bashing Obama on it and my head is about to explode!
-------

Meh, ok so he stole a bunch of Obama's speech and made it crappier and added a lot about his being tortured and loving America. Tired. Going to bed.

2008-09-03T21:43:00.006-04:00

Oh Huckabee, I would never have voted for you, you crazy conservative, but you are adorably stupid/stupidly adorable. Way to get facts wrong in your speech (Um, Lincoln/Ford - both cars, but not the same president.) and call Obama out for those "European" ideas. God forbid we have European ideas. Wouldn't want any of that "Highest standard of living" like Norway or something. Or, god forbid, French cheeses.

EDIT:
And on a not so light note, Giuliani needs to go fuck himself. I hate him. How dare he get up there and talk about leading people in crisis when he is complicit in the deaths of 121 firefighters on 9/11. I seriously am shaking with anger. He passed off craptastic radio systems to the firefighters before the attacks and then pulled firefighters off the site to dump the remains like so much trash afterwards. FUCK you Giuliani. Seriously. FUCK you.

Edit: I wonder if the books Obama wrote that she talks about are the same ones she wanted to ban?

What?

2008-09-01T16:39:00.002-04:00

What? I didn't say anything about doing the dining room floor this weekend, did I? Surely not. That would have been *ridiculous* of me.

Uh, yeah. Haven't touched the floor.

But I did go running this morning!
And by running I mean mostly walking while my friends ran.

Doh. It's a start.
Other than that? Well, the lawn is mowed.

Suddenly I'm not sure how this long weekend got to be so short.

OK, off to Google Reader's five million posts for me to read.

Aw. Somebody likes me.

2008-08-29T20:04:00.004-04:00

Oh it's Friday. And a three day weekend. How fantastic is that? (Despite the fact that McCain went with Sarah Palin. I mean really? Pander much? And I am really uncomfortable with her super anti-abortion stance. I admire that she had her fifth child despite it having Down's, but don't tell me what I can do with my body. And don't tell me that a victim of rape or incest has to carry a child they don't want. And if she is as anti-abortion as it seems, I bet big money she is against IVF.)

OK, ok, enough politics.

Nothing doing on the clinic front, but I did get an email from a woman looking for an independent donor. I seriously doubt that I'll end up being a good match for her - while we have similar coloring and I think intelligence is important to her, she's taller than I am and thin. But she has written several times and each time she has just said the nicest things. I think it's partially just getting to talk to somebody real, instead of reading silly answers to those cheesy questions they ask on donor forms.
She seems discouraged by the agencies she's looked at and I feel so sad for her. I think about if IVF doesn't work and we move on to DI - will we end up looking and looking, never able to find somebody whose genes we're comfortable with?
And then I think about trying to do this stuff without you guys - and I just can't imagine it.

Gack. All this politics nonsense has rotted my brain and made me all gushy.

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend! I am going to try and tackle the floor, so if you're (ha - if *I'm* actually) really lucky my Show and Tell on Sunday will be of flooring miracles.

Politics and Whine

2008-08-28T16:23:00.004-04:00

A couple of people asked why I was in Republican HQ yesterday - my job involves politics and working with both sides. Which is cool. Even though I myself am a nutjob liberal Democrat, I have Republican friends and even like a few Republican politicians, though I don't necessarily agree with their politics. (Shhh! Don't tell anyone. I will admit this only to you my bloggy friends.)
Still, walking into the temple of Bush? Creeeeepy.

Speaking of politics, I have enjoyed watching the DNC. I thought I would go through withdrawal from the Olympics and this has become my methdone. I'm sure I will be watching the GOP, which will raise my blood pressure, but then what? I don't know what I'll do.

Also! I got my new favorite t-shirt today! Here, check my b00bies:

***

Disclaimer: The following is nothing but one big fat slightly incoherent whine, and yes, I know it is my blog and I am entitled to whine, which is why I am doing it, but you are totally welcome to skip it.

The great Lollipop Goldstein just posted about wishes and asked everyone to post their wish.
I posted my wish to have a 2ww. God, what I would give for a chance. Even if it didn't work, just so I could say, ok I had a chance and now I need to try something else.

I haven't really been talking about IF much lately, because what is there to say?
I am in the same exact place that I was at the end of February. We have sperm in the freezer. And that's it.

We aren't in any danger of not being able to pay our mortgage (Yay for living cheaply in the ghetto?!) but we're not where I thought we would be. Our savings are slowly going down instead of going up. If things had stayed as they were, we would have the money and I would be about to start IVF. I want to cry every time I think about that. We worked so hard for these savings and they were supposed to give us a shot at a baby.

Because we paid the money and A had the surgery, I feel like we *have* to try IVF. We're 1/3 of the way in in terms of cost! We have to ability to (try) to make biological children. And yet here we are, with our cats and stolen dog, cooing sadly at our visiting friend's baby. (She was about to adopt and what happened? She got pregnant. I'm happy for her even though it makes her that person who fertiles refer to sometimes as if adoption is the best way for infertiles to get pregnant.)

A gets the b*r results October 3 and I am painfully nervous. He's already failed once and he was so depressed that I don't think he studied as well as he should have the second time. He refuses to discuss in any concrete terms what we would do if he fails again.

Either way, I want it to get here so we can do something.

***

Ok, end of that sadness. Here's a video of Charlie making his funny growly noises that he makes when A picks him up while he's sleepy.

No really, I love my Republican bloggy buddies...

2008-08-27T12:32:00.003-04:00

You know what's creepy?
Walking into Republ*can HQ.

It's like my version of a haunted house. Except instead of severed heads there are huge posters with W's smiling face. And instead of mummy's leaping out, imperious 24 year old white boys tear their eyes away from the computer to ask if they can help me.
And then the McCain posters start closing in...

AHHHHHHHHH!

Show and Tell: Carpet

2008-08-24T21:30:00.003-04:00

When we bought our house three years ago one of the things we were sure we would be doing was pulling up the carpet in the dining room. We weren't sure why it was there in the first place: there were hardwoods underneath, it's pretty much the same room as the living room so the divider of carpet is weird, the carpet was (WAS) cream which is stupid for eating over.
Of course, for the past three years every time we spilled something we wouldn't be terribly worried about staining. After all, the carpet was temporary, right?
When Charlie was a wee puppy who liked to wee wee, well, clean it up and thank goodness we're pulling the carpet up soon.
When we tromped snow and mud and dust through the house because the dining room is what you have to walk through to get to the rest of the rooms, well, the carpet was not long for this world.

Needless to say, our carpet was disgusting. And today I couldn't take it anymore.
So after a fantastic breakfast with a friend who was in town from California, we came home and I cut a little tiny piece of the carpet. And then put it back. And sat down. And casually mentioned to A that I had cut it. Just a little bit. Just to check the wood underneath.

So of course A realized I wanted us to spend the rest of the day pulling up the carpet. Because he is smart enough to understand my rug cutting as a cry for help.

So we started pulling it up (oh god, please don't judge me for these nasty stains)
We uncovered some lovely green cheap ass carpet padding.We also pulled out the quarter-round and then I went through and did the tack strips and staples, which took forever, but thankfully not as long as it could have. In some areas there were hardly any staples/nails and in others there would be a whole clusterfuck of the buggers.

This is what is left:
It is sticky and tarred and there is crap from where apparently it was once tiled (wtf?!).
So now we need to scrape, sand and varnish.
Shit.

Fantasy L*t League

2008-08-24T12:39:00.003-04:00

Last night was hella fun. My friend that hosts writing group (Another privilege of having kids - we used to switch off but now we always go to her house, which is way the fuck out in suburbia, because she has two kids. And I understand that it's easier for everyone and probably sometimes a burden to have to host and all that. But still.) hosted the first meeting of our new Fantasy L*terature League.

That's right. We are that nerdy. While her husband and his friends gathered in the dining room (with mini wieners and bagel dip) to draft their football players, we sat in the living room (with cucumber sandwiches and olives) and drafted authors.

People, I have the best team. I am going to KICK ASS. And TAKE NAMES.
I have the Bard. I have Oscar Wilde. I have Judy Bloom and Dr. Seuss. I have Kerouac and Langston Hughes and Amy Sedaris. Don't FUCK with me bitches.

Every week we will draw a theme from the hat and have the week to come up with our best quotations/passages on the theme from our authors. Then we will go head to head to determine who has the best team of authors. We're still working out some of the rules.

We had a few people M had talked into coming who started out thinking we were crazy. We had to convince them to go along with the draft, but you know what? By the end of the evening we had converted them into believers. They BELIEVE in the Fantasy L*terature League.

If you would like to root for me, my team is the Ipanema Iron*es.

Whoooooo!

In other news, the Wee Little Gnome is going to go to the next person who needs some luck and love. The first person to ask for his sweet gnomey ass will be receiving him in the mail. The only catch is that after you tell him what you are asking for, you must then send him on to the next person needing of a tiny bit'o'luck.

I will catch up on my blog reading later and send my love - now I am going to work on my poor neglected house.

I have such great friends

2008-08-22T20:44:00.001-04:00

You know, on Wednesday I went to writing group (um, we didn't even pretend to pick up paper and pen, but once upon a time many moons ago we used to write) and it was quite fantastic. We ate, we drank, we gossiped. My friends are super and I just don't see them enough.
At the end of the evening one of them apologized (quite needlessly) for talking about her life and not asking abut ours. Then she asked me what was up with me - I said not much and then I said something about my blog friends and how wonderful you all are. And you know what? It's true. You are all wonderful.
And not only are you all wonderful, but I got things in the mail from Kate and Kara!

Kate sent me this naked woman postcard, which is AWESOME except that A forgot to give it to me until today (thanks Kate!):

And Kara sent me a Wee Little Garden Gnome!!!
With a tiny bit o'luck! I need that! And I think that the Gnome is going to travel and spread the luck...

When did I get so boring?

2008-08-21T11:55:00.004-04:00

There is absolutely nothing happening.
Seriously people, my life could not be less bloggable right now.

The most exciting thing that has happened was one of my friends saying that our infertility didn't matter right now because since A didn't have a job we wouldn't want to be trying to have a kid anyways.
Gee, way to make me feel better about not having a kid.
Reminding me that not only can we not have children, afford to *try* to have child or afford a child at a date in time that five months ago I thought we would have enough money to start IVF? Not making me feel better.
I recognize that now wouldn't be the best time to get pregnant, but never fear my fertile friend - we won't be having a whoops! child at an inconvenient time.

Honestly though, I'm really too bored to be all that annoyed by it.

I'll let you know if something else happens beyond the thrill of going next door to eat lunch with the retirees.