Friday, February 7, 2014

New blog

I'm sorry I'm such a dick and I abandoned you all.

If you're still out there, I'm moving my life to a new blog.

If you don't hate me, come on over.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

What's going on?

  • So, I did not drive to Cincy to buy wine - I ended up being too tired and coming up with another good idea for my boss's birthday. I got him a Keurig and one of my friends (who works with us a lot and also sees boss man as a hero/father figure/crazy Irish uncle) went in with me on it. After boss man opened it he sat and stared at it, then said "I either love it or I don't want it at all." Two days later he decided on love and spend a crapton of money buying more coffees for it.
  • OK, conspiracy time. Somebody in medical billing has it out for me. 
    • The first bill isn't really conspiracy fodder, it's more just sad-sigh-crapittyfuck: The polyp removal that they refused to tell me the price for because "insurance will cover it" was not completely covered by insurance and I need to cough up $500. I am taking my time on that.
    • Then it gets really annoying: I got a bill for the anesthesia during IVF. Mind you, the day before egg retrieval the nurse was all "Oh, here's the number you need to call to pay for anesthesia" and I was like "What, thought that shit was included in the large check we wrote?" but I sucked it up and called and paid the $550. So when I got a bill in the mail for $823 (that they had tried to run through insurance too - cute) I was pissed. I called and had to convince the woman that *NO* I did not owe them any money. Finally, she figured out that they had me in the system twice and so had listed the bill and the payment in separate accounts.
    • Now I am starting to get suspicious: The one bill I had sort of known was coming but dreaded so I put it out of my mind - the HCG test. Got it in the mail yesterday. $217.85! Yikes! ...But, what is this? The HCG was only $127. There is a second test for Carbmazepine. Which is apparently a test to measure an anti-seizure medication. One that I do not take seeing as how *I don't fucking have epilepsy*. This fact is apparently irrelevant to the billing woman that I talked to (after waiting on hold for 27 minutes - seriously, hire more people). She was quite convinced that I just didn't know what all I was being tested for - like maybe my doctor had slipped me some anti-seizure medication during my IVF cycle without mentioning it. (speaking of conspiracy theories) She put me on hold for several more minutes so she could "check the document" which I assume means they scan lab orders into the system. But...dum dum was nowhere to be found. At which point, I had to go because I had arrived at school for coaching. She was supposed to call me back and never did, but the RE's office called this morning to tell me that they had talked to her and reassured her that they had not ordered anything but HCG Quantitative.
    • So yeah. If you, scary billing person who hates me, is out there reading this - I am so sorry for whatever it is that I did to piss you off. Probably. I mean, you maybe deserved it. But please stop sending bills.
  • Can I tell you about my baby? When I started coaching speech again M was a freshman and just the gawkiest, nicest kid. He was also awful at the activity. I thought there was no way he would make it. I mean, it was painful to watch him perform. But he worked his butt off and just kept improving. He's a senior now and is amazing. We share a love of poetry and performance. This summer he decided to try doing slam and got invited after his first open mic to compete in a big slam event. A bunch of us went (I am not his only mama) and he ended up getting second and just being generally transcendent. I just had to tell you how awesome he is. 
  • I think there is more but I needs go back to work - stupid busy lately. Work is always cutting into my blog time. Ridiculous.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Can somebody else please just tell me what to do?

It would be totally reasonable for me to drive to Cincinnati (2 and 0 minutes away according to Google) tomorrow afternoon to buy my boss wine, right?

See, I have the world's best boss.* And his birthday is Thursday. And he is one of those people that buys himself everything that he needs. But wine! He always likes having wine. And the Jungle Jim's in Cincinnati has a great selection. (And um, I could maybe also pick up some wine for me. And cheese. And $100 worth of other random things from the international section. Jungle Jim's is awesome and bad for my wallet.)
I am trying to justify this. I don't think it's working.

Truthfully, I probably don't have time. School has started back up again so I am back to coaching. I took a pay cut this year so we could hire another part time coach. Of course, the thinking was that I might be pregnant and want a lighter schedule. Instead, I am not pregnant and it turns out that my coaching load has not lightened very much. Basically, I am working two less hours a week for a $1500 pay cut. Crap. This does mean that I am going to try and be better about saying no. Last year I got a lot of begging from the students to come in extra and stay later, etc. But no more! (I say now, even though I already broke one pledge to not coach the student who makes me want to go all reverse Latrell Sprewell on him. He also happens to be a non traditional student who recently started trying to have a baby with his wife despite his incredible lack of maturity. I do not see this ending well.)

I was kind of hoping y'all would just vote on the options or something in my last post. I am not good at making decisions about my life and neither is A. (We tried to go to a political fundraiser dinner not long ago and the traffic was so bad that we said fuck it and drove away. Since we were dressed up and hungry we wanted to go to a restaurant...but it took us an hour of driving around and discussing it before we decided on one. A full hour. There are really not that many non-chain restaurants in Indy.) If this is how we deal with restaurant choices we are fucked when it comes to deciding whether to do another round of IVF. I am still looking at adoption stuff. And embryo donation. And considering what I can do to optimize my IVF chances...

I need somebody else to play Choose Your Own Adventure with my life because I apparently can't chose which page I want to be on.

* About a week after we failed IVF I was driving my boss to pick up his car from the shop and he asked if the IVF worked. When I told him it didn't he said if we decided to try again he'd pitch in five grand. I would never take it, but I love that he offered .Additionally, he keeps the work fridge stocked with beer, lets me bring my dog to work and reiterated that if I do have a kid we'll put a nursery in the office. Best. Boss. Ever. 

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Sorry for the drop off the face of the earth there...finding the energy to write something has been kind of difficult. I promise I will come catch up on your lives!

I am good at theoretically planning things.

Not actually planning things - that involves details and thought, other stuff that I clearly don't know anything about. No, I mean planning as in "I PLAN to plan things out next week." Man that sounded so good when I thought it. A and I were going to look at all the options to fixing this whole no-kids thing and we'd discuss thoughtfully and come up with the smartest, bestest, most awesomist solution that would end with us being parents.

Except that I am too tired to implement any of the possible plans that involve us getting a child. (Other than the highly illegal "scoop up the 2 year old standing in the middle of the street and take him home" maneuver that I considered a week ago. My neighbors are are awful fucking parents. I stopped my car so as not to run the kid over and it took a full minute before his dad walked out of the house. If I had been distracted I would have mowed a baby down. That would not look good on an adoption application methinks. Also, I hate people.)

Maybe if I write down my thoughts they will become clearer. Or you can vote on them. Or something.
1. Doing nothing. I like this option somewhat as it appeals to my lazy side (which happens to be both sides, front, back and the soles of my feet) but it does not end in baby. Also, A is turning 40 in October and has indicated that he already feels like he is pushing this age-wise. (Not true for everyone, I know. But I think he is feeling his mortality more with his dad's surgery and two uncles passing away within a week of the surgery.) So this option is pretty much out.

2. Donor sperm. Not going to do it. I think even if A were okay with it, I am not comfortable with it. (But for some reason A asked me if we should do donor eggs. I think he does not understand how this works.)

3. Donor embryos. I have to admit, I haven't really given this option much thought. I can't quite wrap my head around it. I think I would rather do IVF again before this, but it would be a possible next step if that failed. Not sure how many biracial embryos are out there.

Mostly it comes down to two main choices:

4. Doing IVF again. I haven't gone in for a WTF appointment. (And really, I think I have about as good an idea as the doctor.) I need to call and make one, but the tired hits whenever I think about it. The actual process of doing IVF isn't a deterrent. Not that I loved shots or bloat or feeling like I had been stabbed after retrieval, but I know what I would be doing and I feel fine about doing it again. And I would love to have a genetic tie to my child and carry a child. But it is expensive and doesn't have a great chance of working. So if it doesn't work, well then fuck.

5. Adoption. The idea of doing foster-adopt scares the SHIT out of me. My cousin has two children that she adopted through foster care but there was a legal battle and over a year of uncertainty. I don't think I could handle having children taken away from me. And international doesn't really call to me for various reasons. So, I think we would want to do a private domestic adoption. Which is hella expensive. Like, more than IVF. Though there are ways to help with that. But still. It seems very *daunting* to adopt. (Though maybe it's like IVF - it sucks but isn't nearly as bad as people make it out to be.)
I've spent the last several days looking at agency sites and reading forums.
How the hell do you chose where to go? And I am pretty sure I would need to like -change houses completely- in order to pass a home study. They would take one look at our damp scary basement that resides in our messy house that is located in the ghetto and check the "Hell no these people can't have a baby" box. Not to mention, I am guessing most first/birth mothers (ack! I would have to become super involved in learning everything I am supposed to do too) are looking to give their kids better lives in better places. Not sure how appealing a white lapsed Catholic and a black mostly lapsed Muslim that live in the ghetto and are super liberal Star Trek lovers would be to an expectant mother.

On the other hand, I have no concerns about not being totally in love with my child. If you handed me a child today and I had to die for it tomorrow, pretty sure I would. And since we are (obviously) not holding out for a non-black child the wait could theoretically take less time. (Once again, assuming somebody picks us despite all the aforementioned drawbacks of being wildly liberal ghetto dwellers.)

So yeah. I don't know what the fuck we are going to do, but I would like to do it soon. (ish.) But my depressed and lazy brain is not cooperating.

 In other news... Work has been busy. (Which has also made blog commenting hard - I have had to do actual work! Madness!) The wedding I was a bridesmaid for was fine, though exhausting. A made their cake, so we both took off that Friday and made it in my office (we have a mile of counter space in the office, as opposed to the inch we have at our house) It was a pain in the ass, but it turned out well.

They look black here, but the ribbon and flowers were navy blue.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012


I am not sure how I am doing. I feel like I am handling everything pretty well, but I think it's because I have put myself on a timeout for a week. After this week we will sit down and figure out the future, but for right now I am trying not to focus on anything at all.
The house seems strangely quiet without our nieces. Al drove them back on Saturday. He wanted me to go with but I didn't feel great and couldn't see spending nine hours in the car as helping my bruised ass at all. Instead I sprawled on the couch reading a book and occasionally crying because I am a moron who thought saving up for a failure of an IVF for three years was a good idea.
I have had three friends on facebook give birth in the last week and a half and two more are going into labor any day. It's awesome that my failure coincides with the biggest baby boom my friends have ever had.
My friend that is getting married was kind of overreacting to a small issue on Saturday and decided to get married after all. I think they have bigger issues and will be divorced within two years but I also know nothing I say will be heard at this point. I tried to listen and ask thoughtful questions and let her know I'd support her no matter what. Hopefully I am wrong about their future.
I need to lay out the options on Sunday. If my parents are still willing to give us the money, do we try IVF again? Or do we start the process towards fostering or adoption? I think A would be okay with being CF but that is not an option for me right now. I don't think he would be okay with donor sperm, but what about donor embryos? I feel like we are starting back at the bottom of the well. I was so focused on IVF for so long and now...I just don't know. I hate it.
My birthday is on Thursday. For the first time I am not looking forward to it.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

My friend that is getting married in one week just called sobbing and asked if she could spend the night. I guess I better pull it together so I can be the strong one. Jaysus.

Friday, July 27, 2012

I thought they wouldn't call until the afternoon. They called at 11:30. 
You know what? I am going to have sushi for lunch. And a diet coke.
And then I am going to go home and have a drink.